The Emotion Nobody Talks About
By Paula Spencer Scott, Caring.com senior editor
Let’s be blunt: Do you ever resent your role as caregiver?
Many caregivers I’ve asked say rather quickly, “No, not really...Mom needs me.” Or, “Oh no, she’s my wife.” Or some such. It’s only after chatting awhile that hints of a different answer seep out: Feeling a little trapped when they’re unable to plan a summer vacation. Being ignored by siblings who assume they have it all under control (without asking how they’re really doing). Having to abandon or scale back hobbies, and missing them. Admitting to wondering -- even if only in the weary wee hours -- “Why me?”
There's a simmering cauldron of tough emotions that most caregivers experience: Guilt, anger, worry, confusion, fear, frustration, imbalance, depression, grief. But I want to zero in on resentment because I think more people feel it than say they do. It’s a caregiving byproduct we’re not socially “allowed” to cop to.
In fact resentment is such an under-the-socially-acceptable-radar emotion, many of us have a hard time even identifying it in ourselves.
Resentment is emblematic of “the problem that has no name.” (That’s Jonathan Rausch brilliantly borrowing from Betty Friedan in his April Atlantic essay, “Letting Go of My Father”: “Today’s invisible caregivers...are being asked to do alone and out of sight what in fact requires not just private sympathy and toleration but public acknowledgement and protective assistance.” Why shouldn’t a person feel resentful, sometimes, about having his or her life hijacked by an unexpected, deeply consuming experience for which there is little preparation or formal support?
To live alongside resentment in peace, try asking yourself these questions:
- 1. Do I believe I deserve to feel resentful?
Resenting the fix you're in doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you a candid one, and being honest about challenges is the best starting place for addressing them. But first you have to give yourself permission to have this hard emotion.
- 2. Do I come up for air to see the big picture -- at least sometimes?
An individual day may stink. The whole year may stink. Taking in a broader perspective of what you’re doing (living the Golden Rule) sometimes helps make it more bearable.
- 3. Do I have ways to express my resentment?
Part of what makes this a tough emotion is that others so often view it as “unloving” or not “nice.” Kinda makes it tough, then, to vent about it to such people! Crucial: Find one or two to whom you can unload utterly freely, knowing they’ll love and support you no matter what innermost feelings slip your lips. With caregiving, sometimes your best bet is a [stranger who’s been there] (http://www.caring.com/forums). A private journal or blog works wonders, too.
- 4. Am I allowing myself to be paralyzed or galvanized by resentment?
No doubt, resentment has a dark side. It can fester into anger that harms your blood pressure, saps energy, and leads you into unhealthy pressure valves (drinking, smoking, overeating). It can lead you to treat your loved one in ways you had no intention of doing. Bad stuff.
So while it’s great to own up to this complex feeling, it's better if you can put it to good use. Consider it fuel to help you find helpful resources, enlist others in ways large and small, and defend your own health and sanity -- things that tamp down the resentment.
Ultimately you know that what you resent is the situation, not your loved one. And while any caregiving situation is daunting, it’s not completely uncontrollable. You hold the remote.
to Ellyn16: As women we are conditioned to take care of everyone around us, and as Christians, we have been socialized in church to believe that we should always 'do as Jesus did'. However, we live in a hurt and hurting world and sometimes need to take care of ourselves first. If your brother can, leave him in the nursing home (if he can't stay, talk with his doctor and aging services in your area) and work with a counselor until you can forgive him and really want to care for him. For me, it was 3 counselors (I have trouble completing things) and 25 years before I forgave my caree.
to Ellyn16: God does not expect us to continue to be abused by people. You would not be a bad person or a terrible christian if you refused to continue caring for your brother. There are systems in place for the state to assume care of people. I also think it would be beneficial for you to seek counseling to deal with the past abuse...perhaps your counselor could direct you in obtaining the appropriate care for your brother. We must keep toxic people at arm's length for our own health...physical and mental.
I resent my role as a caregiver every single day. This is NOT what I wanted and I hate hate hate her for being an idiot and not disclosing her symptoms completely to her doctor when her aneurysm was in progress. Doing so would have saved her and me from a great deal of trouble. Thankfully, I have moved 120 miles away from her and her real caregivers are able to step in more. It also helps that she's much more self-sufficient now. But her constant complaining, whining, and negativity, combined with her obnoxious and immature behavior have alienated friends and family. My brother hasn't spoken with her in nearly a year and says he likely will never speak to her again. I am sorry she's in this position but three + years of trying to help someone who is the most annoying person on the planet have left me raw. The past six months, I have visited on the weekends, but this will stop. I have not been able to enjoy my weekend time. Being around her makes all of my terrible qualities come out, and this makes me feel ever more angry and resentful. There is no getting around it...caregiving sucks. Those who require care should not rely on their families but instead on training professionals. Being my mother's aneurysm, I liked her quite a bit. Now I f-ing hate her guts.
I've read slot of the comments on here but I wish there was someone on here that has been through what I am going throuh and could give some advice. I am a Christian woman, yes I said Christian. With that being said I can say that I certainly don't act like one most of the time. I am taking care of mybrother going on two years. He has dementia and irregular heart beat. At this time he is in the nursing home for rehab to get strong enough to walk again. Then I will bring him home. I am very ashamed of the way I act and the things that I say at times. I was molested by him when I was a child and I very much resent the fact that I have to take care of him now. There is no one else in our family to do this and I feel like I am supposed to do this. I pray and I try very hard to love him and take care of him as Jesus would want me to. We are supposed to love everyone and forgive everyone. I struggle with this daily. Can anyone help me?
Reply Unconitional love... I'm 27 I've been looking after an ex-girlfriend with cancer for 2.5 years, and she keeps me on such a tight leash its suffocating. We argue everyother day, literally. If I don't phone her of an evening she says im ignoring her and don't care... its compleatly exhasting. She calls me the most God awful names, and has isolated me from my family and friends. I'm tired for work everday, everyday im compleatly shattered. Apart from the above my resentment comes from handing her most my deposit money for a house, paying off all her depts, buying her food. hospital travel money 6 days a week, buying her a computer so she can work. She is so compleatly reliant on me it hurts. I want to get find someone I love and get married. Get a house and have kids like my brothers and sister. She knows I'll never leave her. I dont blame her, its not her fault she got cancer, I just wish she'd understand that I need, NEED time to think. Ive had advice, ive been told her having cancer is no excuse, I’ve argued my points but its completely pointless because any threat i make of leaving is just air out my mouth. Whats more is that she has these life threatening poisons grows over her body that get bigger when her blood pressure goes up, so every time 'I' stress her out she goes for a scan and they get bigger. Its like medial blackmail. Every time I retaliate and do some venting of my own, it effects her health. Its so completely f--ked f--ked f--ked. I was born and raised into a loving family, my intentions have always been good through this whole thing but slowly slowly slowly over time my once happy life has turned into torcher. I feel like a spectator in my own life desparetly wanting peace and to find what ever the f--k I'M suppose to be doingl Everything I’ve written above is only a fraction of how I feel - this is my anger written on a forum about resentment. I have literally just had another argument with her so this s--t is pouring out of me. Please don't judge me on these words alone. If you met me I know you'd see im not a bad person. ...
well I DO resent being a carer I am 36 I am YOUNG I love my Husband but hate my caring role I have lost the love of my life to acute pancreatitis and depression . do not know my husband anymore. It is a horrible situation I don not resent HIM as a preson but I resent his conditions. I am struggling. I want to have fun with our kids and a normal happy life like we used to. My hubby is a shell of a man :( I get cross with the whole situation beacuse I am working and caring for 5 children too. This isnt the life we were meant have and YEAH I HATE IT :(
I am appreciative of this article because it is helping me put my feelings in check. I think for a long time, I tried to believe that if I was a good person, I wouldn't have these feelings (frustration, anger and resentment) towards my mother in law. Did she make a lot of mistakes in her life that lead to the problems that her son (my husband), myself and she has to deal with? Yes. Did she marry an alcoholic so abandoned her without any money? Yes Did she eat like a pig for 20 years and balloon to 300 pounds only to have numerous health problems? Yes. Did she not save a dime and work low paying jobs so she has no savings or retirement? Yes When my husband discovered what terrible shape she was in, he asked if she could move in. I said yes because I thought it would help her life on a new path. Her health has improved somewhat but she doesn't exercise to the amount that she should. Did she start saving money? She paid off some bills but then went out an bought a new car because she paid off some bills. I am getting better about not trying to see things as black and white. It is really grey. I thought things would work out a certain way and it is clear that there are some things that are better but some that are worse. By being able to express my resentment, I can say that she has gotten the better part of the deal.
Hugs Paula Spencer Scott
I am so glad that I happened on this article. My mother in law has lived with us for the last 4 years and within the last 6 months, I have started to really struggle. It has been a slippery slope and now it has a name on it: resentment. I don't know what to do about our situation because she has grown to depend and love living with us. I could help pack her bags today. At least I don't feel like the World's Worst Person...
Here is my formula for avoiding "resentment". We cannot change the physical situation for our love one. In my case, my wife. So, what do I do when she asks a question regarding someone or an event of a time past? I talk with her about that in the time period she is in. She will not remember this in a short period of time, but she is happy for the time being Over the past four and one-half years this has served us well and we continue living in her time warp - when it occurs. We continue to go out to dinner two or three times a week, we take our trips (and I keep a "tight eye" on her so she does not get separated from me) and we continue with life very happily as we have done for the last 61 years (57 of which were pre-Alzheimer's). Be like "Mikey". "Try it, you might like it". Geezer81
Hugs Paula Spencer Scott
Workerpriest, you're in my thoughts -- I was glad to see you use the word "proactive" about seeking balance in spite of everything. Your mother is lucky to have you whether she "knows" this or not.
Hugs workerpriest
I spent all day reading this posts yesterday July 1, Canada Day. Oh, I did have my alone celebrations and included my Mom I caretake in watching some TV she likes though lately she just stares at the screen at programs she so recently liked. Resentment is huge for me because she is verbally and emotionally abusive in numerous paranoias and suspicions. She particularly gets suspicious when I go out alone or spend time alone late at night watching programs on TV in my "me time." She thinks I am doing something wrong if I fall asleep in the living room while watching these programs...that I am,...drinking or drugging. She has a particular paranoia about this regarding the younger generations and had it before dementia began setting in so now it is intensified. It is unerstandable that the other siblings do nor come around because they would not be able to stay and be really who they are with her, She is my birthmother with whom I had a re-union in 1986 and for the 2 of us it went very well as she was 62 then and I was 47. There were healing dimensions for both of us in that time of our life and my returning and actual presence freed up a capacity for affection she had not been able to express and it turned the family upside down. They couldn't believe this happened and they had been deprived of it all those years of their growing up. I asked them to wait just a bit and be patient and maybe they could forge a new relationship and give her a chance to be affectionate with them too. But they went intp total rejection and shunned me for years, I stuck it out with my Mom as her husband was ill and I helped her nurse him through this various health crises until he died in 1997. At that time I continued in my professional career as as Professor and at least had my weeks away and helped out then every weekend and in vacation times. The rest of the family was uninvolved then except to come around several times and a weeks before he died at Xmas 1996 and they had a kind of superficial party that felt entirely inappropriate for his condition and they were in hilariy mode. I could not believe my senses and have never forgotten it. The minute they left he went to bed exhausted and a week later, he went to bed never to get up again. After he died, my Mom came to live with me and because she had limited pensions I supported her in a way that could let her have a good life and fun during her 70's while her health was still good. Once I retired, all that had to change as I could not afford to support her in that manner and it has been very difficult for her to adapt to having to pay for half the utilities and groceries. Now she has scads of money at the end of the month and I am in overdraught because I need to use my money for keeping up my life and preparing my future after her. The financial chaos and abuse with her has been a nightmare for many years and now we are completing so many aspects of her life with a lack of life skills intensified as the effects of her terminal cancer bring on deteriorations. So she is a difficult and crusty personality personally abusive in many ways and now misinterpreting so much in paranoia and suspicions and she will not let me rest in peace not for one minute but that I am doing something wrong if I take time for myself. Or if I have to rest because I am in pain because of some of my own chronic conditions....she will say I just brought it on myself. She refuses to socialize at daycare which would be the best thing for her as she is very extroverted when out of the house and out of intimate relationships and people find her a barrel of laughs and fun...or did. I understand completely the effectsof the past traumas of her life and mine but it does not make it any easier to get through each day with her now.We are abandoned basically by her other daughters. They have expressed a desire to be involved but that does not mean in any practical way. Rather they want to be in the information loop and I communicated with them during a recent hospitalization of Mom but as soon as she got home I said she would take over communicating for herself. I did this because they barely responded to my communications which were very accurate. But I did not do them on their time schedule requirements and my reasons were only that I wanted to give them accurate information from the doctor once I had it. I have an aunt who interfered and is very much in denial about Mom's condition and who had communicated with me about a member of her family who was sick and so she could not come up to see us as planned. Then when I communicated this to someone I had the wrong person and she claims I got his name wrong whereas I swear it was not the name she gave me and I would know because I had never heard of the man. I do not know her relations. She said to the others that I do not always get my facts straight which brought terrible intensification of the others demands of me. I could see that I was going to have to set up a careful shield around Mom regarding Power of Attorney...which we did. She was in entire agreement about this until the notary came to the house and then we could hardly get her to follow thought but she did but not without another great conflict about denial that she needed this. In her communications with her daughters now she does not tell them the truth of how she is and she is deteriorating rapidly..huge changes every week and the oncologist now thinks she has brain metastasis.Yes, I can take care of her physical needs and we have home support which will increase as she worsens but my resentments are this. I feel besieged by antagonistic people and unappreciated as the lone caregiver and I feel like my Mom is my jailer and torturer. I often just want to be left alone. I am a compassionate person and cannot abandon someone with such impairments especially in life skills at this time but recently I have come to something new in my recognitions. I see that she has increasing dementia and I am going to promote the brain scan idea because I need to know if she is home to die as is our arrangement or if she has dementia that will be prolonged and she is not indeed dying. If that is the case, then other arrangements will need to be made as I will not take care of her further in this abusive situation if it is to be prolonged. I have the good fortune to have many interests outside of her that I keep up over the internet including teaching a course online and working on another degree myself even though I am retired myself now. I have a new life evolving as a priest and have made great strides in this over the past 5 years but I sure do not feel like a priest at this time in my private life. All I can do for me daily is to keep this aspect of my life alive and moving even from within my increased confinement in the household while continuing to try to forge a respectful environment for my Mom and me. I am gradually catching on to some strategies to work with her that are more effective and to re-arrange my day where I am using my energies better so that I do not feel quite so stressed and I am accepting that she will come up with her paranoid suspicions daily. The nurse supervisor and I are in contact with the doctor to see if there is not a good medication that will help her agitations and excessive unrealities a bit. It is not good for her to have to feel that way all the time or for me. Really, currently, because of lack of support and sufficient help I do feel stranded somewhat although having home care even a bit is helping but it is not enough for me. As you can read....I am grateful to be able to tell the horror part of the story and to say...Yes, I feel mega resentful and as if I am imprisoned by a torturer. But not always. I am being as pro-active as I can possibly be to work against this condition. I do love her in her sweetness. I do not love her in her impaired behaviours that are abusive and that are enacted in such a way that I end up feeling like the abuser. That's it for now. Things are happening so rapidly that I can't imagine that we won't reach a decisive turning point soon. workerpriest
Hugs FrancesC
unconditional love: Hold the remote? how many remotes do we all have in our homes today? they are everywhere, old ones, new ones, and then we have this "Caregiver" remote u speak of; if only! The very LAST thing a caregiver needs is for someone like you to pronounce "SHAME" on them. How dare you, you sound like my mother. It is SO unhealthy to spit those words on anyone! especially, an overburden caregiver. To me those are just plain "fighting" words, and you should expect a negative response. If any of us could, we would RUN away!!!!!! not walk, skip or jump but "RUN" really fast..
being a caregiver is certainly different for all of us. We can't all have the 'warm fuzzy' feeling of satisfaction, joy, whatever when caring for another person, particularly when you know that person is only going to lose abilities. I have been a caregiver for my father whom I will admit is not my favorite person. HOWEVER, I look at my care giving role as something I do for my mother rather than him. Yes, he's getting the care, but she benefits much more from it than he does. Anyone would be capable of taking care of him, but I know that she isn't comfortable with his care unless I'm doing it. Given my choice, I wouldn't bother, but again, I do this for my mother, who is still "all there" and with me.
I see why no one wants to discuss this issue, it sucks for everyone!!! I think of the person that needs the care and understand the frustration of not being able to do what you once could, and this angers me as well for them! Then to have to deal with the person who can't do for themselves, and their anger and resentment at life, and all the stuff we have to do for them so they can remain alive one more day to bitch and complain and hope for it to be over soon since life has changed for the worst for them. THE WHOLE SITUATION SUCKS!!! Boy I feel like ending it all after this discussion!
"I don't feel the "caregiver" role is the only one that feels occasional resentment. Every role from expectant mother, mother of little ones, mother of teens, father's role... caregiver... on and on. Cycle of Life... We all have had those feelings but they move on and so do we." The problem with the above statement is....in each of our previous roles we knew the next day, week, year would be better. Each small step or hurdle met with a huge achievement. My mother has dementia. Now each day is slowly going in reverse. The loved one I am caring for is slowly getting worse, no steps forward only backwards. My mother has become totally dependent on me. I must shower her daily, dress her, prepare her meals (she feeds herself), get her ready for bed, all the while taking care of our home and my husband. Yes, I am sometimes resentful. All she does is sit in a chair, watch tv, and nap. Whenever I take her somewhere, she walks for a few minutes then is ready to go home. She tells everyone that she has lived her life and is now waiting to die(I resent her for saying that). But my resentment doesn't linger because each night at dinner she tells me what a wonderful meal I've prepared and at bedtime she tells me goodnight and thank you. She has been with us for 4years now and she is a very healthy 88 years old. Yes, we do "move on", I just didn't think I'd be so gosh darn tired all the time. I thank my lucky stars for my wonderful, caring, gentle husband of 42 years. He listens to my woes (never saying anything bad about my mom), puts his loving arms around me daily and always brings a smile to my face!
How about those who are being cared for? What about our resentment at being ill? We aren't the same person we used to be. We used to get up and go and go and go. We could keep up with any challenge life or work threw at us. Now our spouse, child(ren), or grandchild(ren) are telling us exactly what and when to do things and our bodies aren't doing what we want or we just can't seem to make sense of what they are saying. Life was good BI (before illness). Now our bodies and/or brains are mush or hurt all the time (opps, I think I got that backwards). Caregivers resent taking care of the ill, well care recipients resent having to be taken care of. Lets all remember that the common enemy is the illness and not the people. I used to be a caregiver to my father and am now a (sometimes) recipient from my spouse.
Unconditional love, if we were to walk away, who the HELL would take care of the ones we love?!? I can't just walk away from the woman who gave me birth, raised me to be a wonderful, caring human being, and is now facing the hardest things someone can face, namely losing her memory and deteriorating mental faculties! I could never live with myself if I did that. Take a break? Yeah, I'd love to, and my brother and sister do what they can. Leave her??? NO WAY!!!! If you've never been there, quit being so judgemental!!!!
Hugs firecontrolgal
I don't feel the "caregiver" role is the only one that feels occasional resentment. Every role from expectant mother, mother of little ones, mother of teens, father's role... caregiver... on and on. Cycle of Life... We all have had those feelings but they move on and so do we.
Unconditional Love, how exactly do you "just walk away"? Could you explain that? I believe this thread was started to allow people who feel resentment to vent, not be berated for their feelings. I feel ALOT of resentment towards a verbally abusive mother who won't quit smoking even after the doctors told her it would kill her and the medicine and cigarettes are just cancelling each other out...a mother who constantly belittles every person she's ever seen or known...a mother who laughed at and berated me for exercising regularly in my teen years...a mother who verbally abused my father until it literally drove him crazy. Because she's made such crappy choices with her health and I am an only child and she's alienated the few other family members that exist, I have to be her caregiver?! IT SUCKS!!!!!!!! Walk a mile in someone else's shoes before passing judgment...not everyone has a loving, caring family member to which they can feel privileged to care for until the end!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey Anonymous, you're the real honest one here. You have it really tough. Look forward to your Dad getting into the VA. Meantime, ask someone to stay with him, even for an hour so you can get away. This was so helpful to me. It is the #1 thing you can do for yourself. There are people that would jump at the chance to help you out. My husband has a severe traumatic brain injury, and the anger was so bad in the beginning that I seriously thought about taking my life. I couldn't understand why he could not be appreciative of what I was trying to do. I have to buy my own Christmas and birthday presents because he only thinks of himself and the sadness of it is that he wasn't like that before. Hang in there and here's a giant hug from me.
There isn't a day that goes by when I don't resent my caregiver situation. There isn't a week that goes without me actively planning how I would end my life if I were diagnosed with ALZ while able to understand its implications. I'm lucky, so far, that my father is somewhat functional, but since I've been waiting on him he can't feed himself anything but cookies instead of the fruits and yogurt I buy.(I want to keep him out of the kitchen because of his lousy hygiene habits - he wipes his nose and the dishes with the same paper towel, doesn't wash hands after toilet - and insists on leaving the water running "for the cats", sometimes for hours before I discover it). I've been unemployed for almost 19 months, so it made sense to take him in initially. But I've lived alone by choice for over 25 years so the financial benefits barely offset the stress, loss of freedom and spontaneity, and privacy. Coupled with the loss of a well paid and respected professional job - I'm losing it. The only thing that keeps me from chucking it all is my family of cats. I need to find a job -lost the one I had because for the umpteenth time I kept riding to the rescue whenever he would call, even midday at work. I'll be happy when he's admitted to the VA facility sometime this summer - he'll have lots of guys to talk to (I am on my computer or looking for work or working around my house most days.) He'll have someone around 24/7. And he's close enough to visit every weekend if not more. I walk away from him more times than not because I'm tired of trying to explain, repeat, ignore his tirades when he gets fussy or aggressive. He's fallen twice when he's attempted to push or hit me. I don't need the additional stress of a bedridden ALZ father at this point. So, yeah, resentment comes with the role of caregiver. "unconditional love:" I've yet to feel that warm fuzzy caregivers are supposed to feel. I'm tired, stressed and depressed, at this point, I'd rather hold ambivalent feelings than go over to some truly dark place. If he were to die tomorrow, the memories I have of him are now tainted by the last few years of our relationship - I know he's not the father I once had.
Unconditional love -- I applaud that web name -- points up the problem people face if they confess to twinges of resentment, that the rest of their loving caregiving doesn't count somehow. Can't you be resentful (at least some of the time) and also a good caregiver? What think?
Resentments are a natural response to the heavy emotional and physical loads a caregiver has. Perspective and a breather are always needed. I cannot imagine, in another life, putting up with the demands, hard work, and no breaks (or pay) for what I do everyday. My thanks and acknowledgement come from seeing my Dad, happy, clean, well fed, engaged in life.
Yes we do hold the remote- Shame on whoever resents caring for a loved one- Maybe you should have walked away also!
" You hold the remote." Boy, aint this the truth! Great post and it says it all!