How often have you heard the advice, "Just let it roll off your back"? Pretty often, if you've read much of my work here at Caring, because I seem to say it a lot as a de-stressing tactic, whether in quoting an outside expert in caregiving or psychology, or when offering my own ten cents. I said it just last week in my post about how to cope with relatives who heap extra stress on caregiving.
In the comments on that post, someone asked for help on just how to do that. Good question!
How do you let criticisms roll off your back? How do you ignore busybodies who create chaos, not help? How do you make yourself impervious to the stress?
Try these self-psyching ideas:
1. Ask yourself, frankly, if there's any truth in the comment.
Better to get this part out of the way first: Deep in your heart, do you know it's true that, say, you can't continue dealing with Mom's incontinence without help? Or that your partner might benefit from a different doctor or therapy?
Most, but not all, criticisms are unproductive. But sometimes we're annoyed by truths we don't want to hear -- and that's important to be able to recognize.
2. Try to parse out what it is about the annoying comments that's so annoying.
Even when comments are unproductive, asking yourself why, exactly, you're so bugged can reveal a useful nugget to work with. For example:
Is your sister lack of action rather than her words that really gets your goat? That cues you that this isn’t about you, but her, and should make it easier to ignore (or point out).
Is it that she's your older sister and her criticisms make you feel like a fifth grader again? Then you know it's really about your own insecurities, and you can draw power from remembering that you're a fully functioning, competent grown-up now.
Is it that the comments are so relentless? Then you can tune them out by picturing the speaker like the grownup voices as heard by the kids in the old Charlie Brown cartoons: "Myah-myah-myah-myah."
3. Run through a quick self-praise list.
After taking a deep breath, remind yourself of an inventory of all you're doing right: I'm looking after Dad. Dad is happy and safe. My husband loves me. I have three great kids. I have dear friends. I always balance my checkbook. Last week the doctor praised me for how well I've been helping Dad manage his blood sugar.
Sounds corny, but actually articulating your strengths, blessings, and skills is like putting up an invisible shield against the slings and arrows of outside offenses.
4. Smile and keep moving,
The best way to skip past hurts is to not stop and dwell on them. Arch your brows, frown, or smile, whichever suits you -- and then move your mind and body onto something else. Sound hard? It gets easier with practice.
5. Turn the tables.
I love this tactic, from a wise reader of that same post: "Play dumb, like their 'wisdom' is an offer to volunteer," she suggests: 'Oh, wow, thanks so much for your help! Those are some great suggestions! You know what?... I'll take you up on that! You can stay with Mom a couple hours this Friday, so I can go to a doctor appointment! That will give me some much-needed help - thanks SO much! … You're a lifesaver! Boy, I didn't know what I was going to do about Mom during that appointment until you volunteered! Thanks a million!' Then hope they either put up or shut up."
Good luck!
Anything else the thicker-skinned can share with the rest of us?
HIlaryC, my mom does not lash out, but over the last 4 to 5 years, she has done or said some incredibly hurtful things to people around her, but in her mind she always has an incredibly ridiculous version of the story that makes her the victim. i.e for months she promised the use of a small cabin she owned to one of her granddaughters when they moved back from out of state and would need a house to live in while their new home was constructed. When the date came for them to move in and they were actually in their U-Haul van on the way to the cabin, she denied she ever had promised. To make herself, look like a victim, she concocted a story about her granddaughter leaving their suburban in the cabin's garage, and how she had to crawl on her belly under the suburban, because there was something she needed on the opposite side of the garage. When my brother came by the next day,there was about 5 feet between the back of the suburban and the garage door that she could have walked through. When this was pointed out to her, the response was "well, someone must have moved it." Even in stories we have heard for years about her childhood etc, the stories have changed so that she is the hero or was somehow wronged.
I have 3 points I would disagree with in the article. 1) in the first bullet in #2, the (or point out) would only lead to a huge argument since obviously the sister in the example thinks she has the right answer, 2) the problem here then leads to the person thinking they are correct and you are agreeing with them, no matter how stupid the comment (my father-in-law has been enabled this way for years by his children), and 3) in #5, this might work with most people, but my brother-in-law (younger than my wife by about 8 years) no matter what the request, his response (especially if his dad is around), is "boy I would REALLY like to but I am just SLAMMED", so my wife is always stuck with care for her dad, her mom and their older brain damaged brother. Actually, if his dad is around, he usually turns this around by saying WE should really do this for the older brother, of course the WE is really my wife because when it comes time to actually doing something he is just SLAMMED, and his father has enough dementia to not question it.
Thanks so much for your insight and advice in such an encouraging and understanding way. Your advice makes sense and rings true. As I work w/ dad's physician, I told him yesterday of my brothers' request and he supported my taking him to a local psychiatrist to evaluate dad: possibly putting him on a new or increased dose of antidepressant as they are able to prescribe. I DO want the best and most beneficial care for dad, and it's encouraging to have it be noticed and praised. I feel guilty blogging to get that from someone other than family, but I guess every long term caregiver needs that . I'm no different. Thanks again.
Daughter-to-a-Dad - Please take heart. You have NOT been missing symptoms. If your father is on Zoloft, that is treatment for depression. Your father may be depressed, HOWEVER, the other symptoms that you mention - short term memory loss, shuffling gait, incontinence, all flag me to dementia of some sort - don't forget AD is one type of dementia. Sometimes men are unable to cope with the aging of their male family members. My own brother couldn't cope with the 'hospital psychosis' that our Father had when he was in the hospital for a time, so I basically had to pul 24 hour shifts for multiple days in a row because the big burly guy couldn't cope with a Dad trying to get out of bed and go to the kitchen (thought he was at home), or working on putting pills in a weekly pill minder (all air movements, like a dog running in it's sleep). Take your Dad to the Psychiatrist, then get the records from the Psych to show your brother that your Dad is truly in dementia. Maybe it is time for the Zoloft to be replaced with something else. Trust your instincts as an RN. You are doing great!
Well, I guess I'm looking for a place to vent. Had a conversation with my oldest brother the other night. Diplomatic and friendly, he basically told me that our dad maybe doesn't have alzheimers, but is possibly just depressed. He subtly inferred that as an RN, I should have known that and gone out and sought a proper evaluation of dad. I told him how I took dad to his physician and at that time, dad was alert, followed directions, dressed and undressed himself. The physician told me I was doing a good job. The physician also said that he doesn't see evidence of dad having dimentia, only severe memory loss for dailyEncouraged me to get him in more social situations and activities. This is about impossible to do when Dad requires someone to initiate any conversation which ends 'flat' with minimal or no response from him. Dad has always been quiet, reserved and passive. He has bouts of confusion which frustrate him more and he then begins to wander trying to figure out what he's looking for, is sure he's headed for whatever he thinks he's looking for. I'm sure many can relate and understand. He has significant memory loss to the point of which he cannot remmeber was he ate 1 hour ago, nor whether or not he went to church that same day. Anyway, my brother went to some symposium that three 'expert' physicians spoke at., informing people that many times elderly patients are diagnosed w/ alzheimers when it is truly depression. He now wants me to ("spend some of dads assetts") (as if I've been holding out on getting dad the care he needs), arrange for Dad to be seen by a clinical psycologist, so that proper antidepression meds can be prescribed for Dad. We have him on zoloft which we began 3 years ago when Dad was becoming withdrawn, had a shuffling gait and was sleeping much of the time. These symptoms are back again, but worse. Is it alzheimers? He's withdrawn, apathetic, has no interest in anything, has to be reminded to eat his meal several times throughout it, and he sleeps as much as we will allow him to. I'm frustrated to realize that my brother is of the opinion that as a nurse who works in an ICU (for the last 20 years of my life) I don't know what I'm doing as I care for dad throughout his periods of confusion, incontinence, daily activities of daily living. My brother is of the opinion that I am keeping dad back from receiving needed socialization, interaction, stimuli. Now also that perhaps I've been accepting these awful and evident symptoms of severe depression: calling it alzheimers. That makes me SICK of heart to think that this may be true. And here I was thinking my husband and I were doing a good thing by taking dad in, feeding, clothing, bathing and loving him. Any information/support/encouragement would be appreciated. Thanks.
(anonymous) Well it is dificult to change a person,specially if that person is depressive,the solution is to conditioned her staying to seek profesional help and call it for what it is psychological help so she can cope with her health and depression
Take a vacation for a week or go to help another family member for a week or two and let your siblings take over for that week (or two, three, four). They quickly learn what you've been doing when you're there all of the time. So if your parent says you don't do anything, they'll know the truth.
The mind and the body has to believe anything you tell it to, or none of the processes will work. Apparently if you were unable to let it roll off your for back for years, then it will take a process for it to roll off in one The mind has to think what the body is feeling, together, because sometimes the body remembers hate and the mind wants to forget but if they are not on the same page, it will not happen. The body has a memory as well as the brain, the body has receptors that hold on to chemicals that are released from the hypothalamus in the brain, that matches any emotion that one has and it travels through the body, so the body has to feel whatever the mind thinks. If the body has bee trained to be upset for years and then the mind wants to automatically change, the body is not prepared yet. But there are things we can to to change this process.
My older sister ( 74) developed Parkinson's and Lewy Body dementia 6 or 7 years ago. Her four sons are scattered around the country and have families to care for. My younger brothers and I decided the only answer was for us to care for her as long as possible. In February, we moved her to a memory care center, where she is well cared for. Her sons were feeling so guilty about having her placed; a lovely social worker reminded all of us that we couldn't make her happy anymore, but we could keep her SAFE and Comfortable. That's the best advice we ever got and we are grateful for what we could do. It was long and difficult for six years but now we are able to visit and know we are doing the best we can. Any care we offer another soul is what is needed - not perfect, but what we are able to give. Guilt is only useful if you have done something wrong, not useful for "judging" difficult decisions. Blessings to all of you who make the effort.
To Haleema, I also strongly believe in karma and know how it can turn back on you at any time! I've witnessed it so many times! However, the eldest sibling "wrote the family off" over 20 years ago! We are not in "her social circle"! Personally, I wouldn't want to be there! There is no excuse for a sibling who choose to be estranged from the family for so long only to show up with it is time for the Estate to be settled. Then to discover that the Estate isn't "set up" as they feel it should be - bring on a ridiculous lawsuit because of their "hurt feelings!" Just because the "eldest" believed it was THEIR DECISION what to do with our parents estate doesnt excuse the 20+ years of "not being in touch with the family"! "Family Lore" as it was presented in Court was such a crock! That was when Will's did not exist! Mom wrote her Will while Dad was still living and they both agreed on what they wanted done! It was the Court system that got tired of the eldest siblings filing of Motions after Motions (a second job in their life - the list of the number of times listed as "Plaintiff" was shocking!) that it was decided to ingnore the wishes in my Mother's Will! Not only that, missing bank accounts which I have copies of signatures cards, trying to protect my brother's Estate - went to the eldest sibling because the Court decided! I'm sure it is a "practice" done to "oil the squeaky wheel" instead of enforcing the law! Yes, our deceased parents would hope we would find peace and love. But when there has been no love shown from the eldest sibling for over 20+ years, could you honestly say a promise you made to your Mom about the wishes in her Will be done as she set up ("and make sure that #*)@### doesn't get a red cent"!)! We all knew a lawsuit was going to happen! It was the eldest siblings' "style"! It was talked about for years prior to either parent becoming ill - during "family meetings". The eldest was never a part - never "called for family meeting"! Sometimes, we just happen to have certain family members that we wonder if they really are "family" - I wanted a DNA test done! It amazes me how the four of my family members were "grounded and had common sense" and then the eldest was way out there in outer space!
My mother's comment when she heard anyone talking about someone else was, "There is so much good in the worse of us and so much bad in the best of us that it behooves any of us to talk about the rest of us" She didn't make that up, just quoted what she heard someone else say. None of us are exactly alike. God made us who we are and He has equipped us to hear Him, read His Word and allow Him to keep working on us. That's a big job right there! ☺
I appreciated both pages of suggestions and comments, especially the comment by Robertson. It is difficult. I was once told by a clinical pschologist to leave my mate because he was emotionally selfish. I told her I could not do that because he had done nothing Biblical to warrant leaving him. But if he had, I would have to consider forgiveness. She looked at me like I was from outter space. She even passed her thoughts to my doctor and rheumatologist, who also faced me with, "If you choose to stay with him, there's not a whole lot more we can do for you." But, here it is 15 years later and we're still together. He has not been intimate with me for around 7 years (after I had a mastectomy). He said it was too confusing. Nobody said it would be easy. Its not as though I'm without sin.
I read some of these comments and my heart goes out to all the wonderful caregivers. But I must add that there is too much sibling rivalry when it comes to parental care and death wishes/or wills. People, life is too short. Even if we reach a century. Is it really worth it to be angry if a sibling is not doing enough? Should we scratch and snarl like animals because one sibling gets more than another in a settlement? We are all too guilty of greed and selfishness. We cannot love a sibling if we count everything he/she did or did not do. Some people lose an opportunity to make good with parents and the universe, by not being around in their parents' time of need. That is THEIR loss. They will one day grow old too and karma is a cruel dispenser of justice. In the mean time, do what has to be done for parents. They did their best (sometimes in the worst of circumstances) for us. And I honestly do not believe that a deceased parent would mind if things did not work as they planned. What matters most to a parent is that the family love remains intact and there is PEACE.
reinforcing what is in the article, but hard to remember when i am overwhelmed and really tired. thank you.
Until people "walk in our shoes" - they have no idea of how tremendously exhausting caregiving can be! My brother and I took care of our Mother in what turned out to be the last month of her life. We were told 3-4 months on May 13th (Friday) - same as our Dad - Friday, August 13 - that Mom was terminal and there was nothing else they could do for her. There was no way we could get the "older sibling" to come see either parent in their last days. Her "social calendar wouldn't allow it"! The selfishness shown by the eldest sibling was the "icing on the cake" of how she treated the entire family! Too bad, she missed out on the most treasured moments! After Mom passed, she didn't hesitate in filing a lawsuit against my brother (Executor of Mom's Will). She had thought during the last month of Mom's life, we took her to her banks and had our names put on Mom's accounts! Little did she know and even though the Judge refused her Petitions for checking things out - she later found that Mom set things up after Dad passed in 1994! This was 2005! Unfortunately, my brother had to change a court hearing date due to bladder cancer surgery. He really hated that she would find out! Two weeks later, I'm named as a Defendant as well - she knows the Court Systems very well - what that did was cause the Court to appoint an Administrator (another lawyer) to Mom's Estate! Fraud committed, missing accounts, and her filing motions after motions - caused the Judge to go against Mom's Will and gave her more than Mom had set up! I'm still fighting over it and it's been going on since August 2005! When my brother unexpectedly passed and the Administrator was appointed, it was unbelievable the amount of collusion going on between the attorneys just to get the Estate closed with an "altered document" with my signature! Even my attorney told them all that "it was done after the fact". They all knew I was standing my ground to make sure my promise to my Mother - "Make sure the wishes in my Will are done as set up"! The stress of dealing with the corruption, fraud, and the Bar Association seeing "nothing to investigate" even though I was Mom's organizer and my husband was her CPA for over 25 years has taken it's toll on me! I have Mom's orignial bank statements, Will, etc. and the proof of the fraud, the "altered document" could not have been signed in front of my attorney's wife who notarized it because there was nothing on the page - she has a day job somewhere else and I even have the hotel bill to proof the date the notary put in (I left blank) that I wasn't even in town! So, I'm still fighting! My brother's estate is another mess! It couldn't be settled until Mom's Estate was settled. As soon as the Judge ignored my plea of "asking for time to find another attorney due to the fraud and collusion taking place" and providing evidence - he closed Mom's Estate and my brother's Executor immediately closed my brother's estate before I could get an attorney in that state "caught up with the facts" even though I wrote a letter to the Court in that State! Now, still fighting in both States and under a tremendous amount of stress, I was having medical problems. After months and months of tests, Ultrasounds, etc., it was discovered that I have a right frontal brain lesion with insignificant growth since October 2004 - I didn't even know that then!! My husband of 37-1/2 years "can't deal with it all" and we seperated two years ago. The beginning of October of this year, I was served with divorce papers. Thanks - I needed more stress right now! Instead of helping me with the Courts and having to do physical therapy for over 6 months - now I'm dealing with a man I don't even recognize any more! I didn't know we got to pick and choose which vow we wanted to honor and when! We were high school sweethearts and even married a month before graduation because it was a year after his proposal and I wanted to get married on the same day the following year! We have two children - our son was 17 years old when we lost him 18 years ago in an auto accident (not his fault, wrong place, wrong time). Our daughter has given us two beautiful Grandsons! My husband takes our daughter and Grandsons on trips - leaving me out! I raised both Grandsons from infancy until age 3 - we have a very close relationship which is being "held hostage" by our daughter! I get my Grandsons sport schedules from my ex-son-in-law. It makes my daughter very upset that I talk with him but like I tell her - "you won't email me their schedules and he is the Father of my Grandsons"! So as I go through this divorce and still trying to keep up with fighting the Court systems - it is so overwhelming! There are days I'm so glad I have a physciatrist and psycholist helping me - otherwise, staying in the garage with the car running and going to "sleep" sounded like my only way to get rid of the stress! Then I remember the promise I made to my Mother and how my brother and I were determined to make sure her wishes were done as she set up in her Will! Some days are overwhelming, some days are determination. However, I don't think I will ever forget what my husband has done! I can "forgive" but I don't have to "forget"! I cannot allow him to stress me out, there is enough of other things going on! I just cannot believe at one of the worse times in our lifes - we made it through losing our son and staying together - that was the worse nightmare any parent could live through! We are never supposed to bury our children! I thought if we made it through losing our son - we could make it through anything! Think again! I'm just stunned!!!!! So, as I said before - "until others have walked in our shoes" their comments and opinions are just statements! We do what we feel in our gut what needs to be done and we shouldn't allow guilt through other people's words cause us to second guess ourselves! Hugs and Prayers to all!!!!! We all need them so very much!!!!!
My mom and dad made a promise many years ago that they would always take care of each other in the end and never put each other in a nursing home. Last month I realized that my father (who has 1/4 of his heart working, Vascular Dimentia, diabetes, kidney failure, incontinence and can't walk) needed to be in a nursing home. He originally went in for rehab but can't walk on his legs due to almost non-existant circulation. The problem is my mother cries terribly every night. You see my mom found out in May that she had cancer in her lungs and liver. She's been undergoing chemotherapy and is very week. My dad needs 24/7 care. (He's 80 and mom is 65) I've been there with her through everything. I do have 2 brothers and niece who all do nothing. I try to explain to her that when she made this promised to my father years ago she never knew that she would be sick. It's heartbreaking but my dad is getting the care he needs. And when friends say (and have said) that they can't believe she put him in a home I get so angry. How is a woman who is battling her own desease suppose to take care of a hospital bedded man who can't walk and has dimentia? She's been taking care of him for 30 years (since his open heart surgery) and I try to remind her that she DID live up to her bargain by the 30 years of care she gave him. She had to concentrate on getting herself well. People should always be careful what they say because they only know the basics of what a family deals with. Thanks for your website and helping this caretaker vent.
While I was in the 3 year period of caring for my husband after his stroke, and was just devastated by all the changes in our lives, the only time when I though that I really couldn't handle it was when we were told that he needed to have Open Heart Surgery. At that point, late one night (he went to bed fairly early) in a prayer, I told Heavenly Father that I really couldn't take this additional burden. Heavenly Father gave me a split second glimpse of how devastatingly bad my life would be having to live with myself divorcing a man that was doing the best he could. That split second was so unbelievably awful, that I asked forgiveness and told Him that I would deal the best I could with whatever came along. When my husband passed away after his surgery, it was nowhere near as devastating as the split second had been. I know that I did the best I could and that Heavenly Father made sure that I had the spiritual resources I needed to go on. Of course, nearly a year BEFORE my husband passed away, I needed to caregive my parents as well, and am still caregiving them. My caregiving load has been difficult over the past 5 years, but it is satisfying knowing that I am doing the best for my family. When a sibling criticizes me, I work very hard to recognize that the comments are well-meaning, and that the criticism is most likely coming from a sense of guilt for being unable or unwilling to assist. We were never promised that life would be easy, only that we would learn and it would be worth the journey. Remember that the destination IS the journey.
I believe when i made my wedding vows i meant exactly what i vowed and still do. What a horrible idea to think of your self and ignore in a sense the needs of your loved one. It gets hard, yes, and when others don't understand or seem to care to help or think of you, one just has to trust the LORD to see your thru. He cares about you even when it seems no one else does. i know without GOD'S love and help i would be a basket case . When things get too hard i just call on HIM and he answers my prayers. i could have shed tears when my hubby turned to me, as i was helping him with his shower, and in a sad voice said, "i am so sorry to put you thru ALL THIS!". i told him i loved him and that I only get crabby with him when he doesn't mind me. We both laughed then. i have prayed that GOD will allow me to always be able to take care of him and never have to put him in a home. I trust the LORD with this, and i can have peace of mind. i know others have worse problems THAN MINE, but i would encourage to take them all to the LORD in prayer. He understands and gives peace we need. He is 95, and we have been married 62 years in March.
This is good advice if you can just remember and put it in practice. My ex boyfriend told me that my mother knows which buttons to push to get to me. I am slowly learning to just ignore the constant criticism, but since I grew up hearing it, I'm afraid that it has left a mark on how I deal with people. I guess that if you know what to expect - some negative remark every day - it should make it easier to let it go in one ear and out the other!
Well, I have been taking 'green' language lessons (greenlanguage.com). It has paid off in many ways, most of all in dealing with siblings in the care of Mom and Dad, which I am responsible for. At times, it's difficult, since I am the youngest of 4 children, and the nearest in age is 4 years older than I, the oldest 7 years older than I. Pretty much my whole life has been being a long stemmed rose in a stiff breeze - being whipped this way and that. I am the caregiver, because I know our parents as an adult, since I was the only child at home during high school, and spending oodles of time with them as an adult on vacations. It is a surprise to them sometimes when they try to 'guilt' me or 'logic' me into doing things their way, rather than looking at what would work with Mom and Dad the best. I use the positive 'green' language and am able to keep clear about the needs and wishes of Mom and Dad. Makes me feel better about myself as well.
@NCR1: I'm by no means a Physician, but spent 30 years of my work life in Social Work. Have you mentioned this to her Dr.? Sounds like depression of which a lot of elderly folks have, as us younger ones too. My friend who is a Caretaker for her Father was deeply depressed. He is now on medication and doing much better. At least he is smiling and joking a little.
How about how to let my Mom's behavior roll off my back? She will mutter for hours about how she is "a lonely old lady, no one cares...." This happens every day, even right after an outing, pleasant time with me. She lives with us, but cannot find happiness in any activity. Of course, I understand that her memory of any event is gone as soon as it is done. But it is so wearing to not be able to escape her constant muttering and notes about how miserable she is.
Wishing you all the best :)))
@ Oldladygolfer: 1st, you need to determine if your husband really needs nursing home care or if his needs can be taken care of within your home. The best place to start is to contact your local Council on Aging. They are full of great resources not only for your husband, but you as a Caretaker as well. I would contact them first. The name is different in every area, but look up Elder Care Services on the Web in your area. And I'm confused as to why your children would want your Husband in a nursing home, yet they aren't doing anything to contribute to his care? You do what's best for your husband and you! And it sounds like you guys need a good in-home assessment of needs.
My children think I want my Dear 87 year husband in a nursing home-I do not get help from them-how do I deal with this problem ?
HilaryC-- you are absolutely right, great addition, thanks.
I don't get any grief from my family or friends re: my 93 yr. old Mother's care. However, my Mother has these lashing out moments at me. A few times, she has called, lashed out at me, and hung up. At first, it made me cry hysterically. I was thinking "as POA, I'm doing the best I can". Why is she doing this to me? Then, Mom would call me later like nothing happened. However, being the "victim" of her outbursts, her comments would stay on my mind for a long time. Well, after a few of these lashing out episodes, I can now let it roll off my back. I came to an understanding that lashing out behavior can be part of dementia, as well as the aging process. The other day, Mother had another episode and I was able to hang up, after she was done of course LOL, and move on. I finally was able to treat it as "well, she'll be fine the next time I speak to her" and it worked! Next conversation was wonderful, I wasn't harboring any negative feelings.
awesome! wish I knew this then! but maybe it can help my sister who has my dad now! thank you soooo much!!
My Mom is always commenting on how my sister hardly ever really helps her. The house looks it. And my sister has a bad atitutde most of the time. My sister has alot of health problems her self. And my Mom is 91 and cann't live by herself anymore and my sister has no where to go. My sister is older then me ha. I told my Mom write a note about what she exspects of my sister and give me a copie too. And don't let this problem stay this way any longer. What else can I do?