When Your Help Isn’t Any Help

I too have so many siblings and

so little help. My mother has 5 daughters and two sons. The boys really don't get it and probably don't want to. One once said, well I'll take mom in, but she has to go by my rules. Totally not aware of dementia and it's presence. Oldest daughter in nursing home on dialysis. One more out of state. I'm here, and I have a stent in my heart, but it appears I am the healthiest out of the bunch. Biggest problem, I have a job and cannot retire for 2 more years. Mom's in her own place right now, but I'm there 3x a week. I take her out for groceries and for pleasure. She has now become very dependent on me and doesn't seem to trust anyone else. I've e-mailed siblings links to information regarding dimentia and I keep them informed. One sister who doesnt' drive has decided to accompany me and I am teaching her what needs to be done. She is very angry that no one else helps and I remind her that mom needs all of us no matter what. We need to respect and honor her therefore, we will take any help any of them want to give. If they just visit 3x a year, then ok that's great! Life is very complicated for all of them. I was divorced 7 years ago and I'm 53 so I don't have a social life anymore, but I still work, visit my kids and grandkids and make time for me. I don't have friends anymore, but when I go to work, I have acquaintances and that helps. I feel blessed to know that if this is the duty God has decided I should manage, then so be it. I am glad to be healthy and loving and capable of being a caretaker. It seems she has chosen me and I will try to organize and assist my siblings in whatever role they decide on in helping out with mom. Everyone has special talents and abilities and I see mom benefit from each one. With Donna, they talk about cleaning windows and shampooing floors. With Vicky, mom talks about the difficulties in raising kids. Still trying to pass on her motherly wisdom. Rose does her best bringing mom food that she knows she enjoys. That's all okay, but I still run the show to a point. Mom still needs each of us in her own way, whether it's just a conversation and especially when there is something good going on to share. I drew a big family tree that hangs above her dining table that helps mom to remember that she has alot of people who love her. I use alot of humor and I always show respect. There are times I have to be more assertive than I want to be, but it works and mom trusts me. Mom, you need to use your ottoman and put your feet up to get the swelling down. If you don't use it, I won't be able to bring you any pizza until you do. She gets it and I pick up the pizza. It's tough, and it will get tougher, but I love her. The one who cares the most is the one who gets to do the most, but remember that each one has/had a special relationship with mom once upon a time. Allow them and her to keep it alive in their own unique way.

You hit the nail on the head

My younger sister says I am a bully and she knows better what Mom needs as she works in the geriatics field at a big hospital so weve had some major conflicts and now so wont even talk to me Ive tried approaching sent xmas card sent xmas present NO RESPONSE AT ALL so now my wonderful neices dont call anymore either its hard at age 62 to feel like you dont have any family I dont have any energy left to fight this anymore

This is a super article. Most of

are tired not only from caregiving but the added stress from situations we read about from Paula. I find I get very frustrated from people who mean well but utter those other famous cliches of " so sorry you're going through this" and the most annoying one...."hang in there" which to me is heartless. I would rather they say nothing at all than that. I have also found that "friends" are no longer around as much. They don't want to hear anything about my caregiving issues so when they do call which is seldom, I never bring up the caregiving part. Some day, this will be them and they will see for themselves. This is such a great website and since my city offers no support groups for caregiving, this is a really nice place to come to.

I have a slightly different question.

I do not to have any caregivers in the house just yet, but my husband has lived in this town for 70 and very active and yet no one seems to want to come and visit or take him out for coffee. Along with that the dog has become overly protective of him and doesn't want me to help him or touch him. This site is a godsend!

Thanks Paula. This artical was

great. Right on with lots of things for people to try. I know many people that are dealing with issue right now. I will pass along your great article.

OUCH! That worthless lable is

hard for me to hear, but it is true. My Dad who has severe arthritis and is on meds for alz., fell off a ladder and broke his sacrum stringing lights around the house at Christmas. I thought, this is it! I have to move closer, I have to help out. But my Mom didn't want me to come. I myself am physically disabled, obese and have depression. At 50, my health is more fragile than my parents who are in their 80s. Physically there is not much I could do. I would be more a burden myself than a help. My Dad and I too have always had a rocky relationship. Though I have a degree in sociology and psychology, These are the fields for which Dad has least respect. So behind the big red door in the graphic I go. I will stay away, try not to meddle or give advice, and try not to add to the burden any more than I already have. It sucks, but the best thing I can do for my folks is stay out of their life as much as possible. I have no purpose in their lives or in my siblings. Horrible but true, they are better off without me.

This is GREAT! Love the Caregiver

Types! It's true! To take a different view... Let’s say YOU’RE the one typecast as one of these not-so-desirable types. Be open about your involvement. An example is to sooth the primary caregiver's stress and perceptions by confessing, "I may be showing up only during crises or to provide an opinion (such as, ‘Don't place Mom in a nursing home!’), but I want to help. Help me to help you, because I know you are shouldering much of the burden.” Now, what primary caregiver would turn down a confession and an offer like that? It takes strength to be open and speak as a mature adult. Try it! It's for the good of your loved one!

This was such an upper for me.

I have problems with this issue and others do not understand. I have backed off asking for help because after 6 years, to be honest, the children and other relatives are "burned out". Outsiders become so much work for me that I have also backed off from that. If I have to organize everything then it seems to me it is just easier to do it myself. Poor attitude, but that is about where it has gotten. The one thing I have to remember is to let things go. Don't hold a grudge. I know that one day this will be over and there will be fun times again and I have to make sure I don't ruin relationships for the future.

Excellent article! I for one believe

families would be better served if they could begin to be proactive in the considerations for the long term care of their aging loved ones. Frankly, if we could all just sit down as siblings and parents prior to the stress of having to make urgent decision we could plan and set expectations for who will be responsible for what. This will never eliminate the personalities that will surely come into play but, there will be a "roadmap of care" that we can point to as a reminder of what's most important. Ed Caracappa - President & CEO, AtGuardianAngel, Inc. www.issueswithcaregiving.com

Goes to show ya ~ Caring.com will

broach any and all subjects! The reason why we must all get the word out that Caring.com exists for our caregiving friends! I tell everyone I know, or meet who I suspect are at the task. Please, friends, help your friends realize, they are not alone. We've no idea, the burdens Careing.com can help relieve. . . . . . just suggesting. . . . . . I for one, send major kudos to this fantastic site ! ! !