I am SOOO glad I found this site. I have been a caregiver since 1997 when my dad became ill and my mom wasn't caring for him the way he needed cared for. I was 37 when I took both my mom and dad in to live with us. I have a husband and three children. At that time, my kids were 11, 8, and 7. They experienced very much at a young age, from caregiving, to illness, to my dad dying on our couch and the kids finding him (my husband was home with them at the time) while I was at the hospital with my mother who was very ill at the same time. My dad passed away in 1999. My mom continued to stay with us. In 2001, my father in law became ill (Alzheimers). He moved in with us along with my mom still being there. she had/has absolutely no patience with anyone or anything, even though when someone is around, she acts like the sweetest person on earth. she is wicked, degrading,, belittling.......and she only does this to my husband and I. Neither of us can do any right by her. but then there's my brother who was a drug addict (and by the way, I took him in on 3 separate occasions after prison, the latter being for over a year) and my sister who helps by taking her to doctors appt. But when it comes down to it, im the primary caregiver (the youngest of 3 children) and it gets very stressful. she is still able to do some ADLs on her own but cannot live alone. I keep reverting back to my childhood....when (and this may sound petty) my brother and sister used to get dressed up, go to church with my mom and I'd have to stay home. There are pictures of all of them together and I even remember being told to stay on the sideline while they took the pics. i remember my mom always telling me i was an accident.....she didn't want another child. and at age 52 it STILL bothers me. why do i keep hanging onto that??? did if affect me that deeply or am i just a big fricking baby?? there are many other things i can recall from childhood. a few years back when my mom and i got into an argument, i mentioned things from my childhood. she called ME crazy, said she was never like that, etc. And to this day, she continues to put the blame of EVERYTHING on me....regardless of what it is and i mean REGARDLESS. it gets to the point where i can't stand to have her in my home. the only time i get a break and have her go stay elsewhere is when i reach my breaking point and pretty much kick her out. it should never happen like that. then i sit here, feel guilty, wonder why i am like i am...... am i wrong for feeling like i do. before she left to go to my sisters she told me "and when I die I don't want you to say 'oh how sweet she was' and how i miss her....etc. and ya know what, I love my mom but i don't like her or the way she is. will i miss her when she is gone? YES. will i ever get over these feelings she never truly even loved me? NO, i probably won't. I don't remember a time when she actually showed any love or affection. its strange. at 52 my life just seems soooo f***** up. i guess i'll live the rest of my life with a feeling of guilt, when there is no reason for me to feel quilty; a feeling of being unloved and unwanted as told by my mom.......i don't know. anyone have any suggestions? I am rambling now and feel like i'm losing my mind.