What Comes First When EVERYTHING’s a Priority?
By Paula Spencer Scott, Caring.com senior editor
I’m in one of those patches any caregiver knows well: Too many competing demands on my time and attention all at once. I feel like I'm not serving anyone really well, even with my usual “support system” of helping hands, listening ears, and red wine. In my case, the week’s overload involved a needy child, an urgent deadline, a crashed laptop, a divorce settlement, the possibility of a moved-up house closing date and searching for a new home -- layered like not-so-sweet baklava all in one week -- followed by the topper, a beloved mother-in-law dying at 94. (Not a surprise, yet a sting.)
Tilt! Tilt!
A friend going through a similar week nailed it: “How do we prioritize when all the priorities seem equally important?”
One process:
1. First, sort. Which thing(s) MUST be taken care of immediately, this day, or this week? Usually when you stop and really examine each competing priority, some are more “code red” than others on that particular day.
2. Put off. Important things that fall lower on the most-urgent list -- even if they’re incredibly important -- must get postponed. So a small example in my case, no bills are being paid early this week, any non-urgent medical appointments postponed, “hanging out” time with family trimmed.
3. Fight the fires. Forget trying to multi-task 24/7. Devote some concentrated time to what you’ve sorted out as most-urgent that day. You drop everything for a health crisis. Or maybe you help your parent or spouse untangle a mounting insurance issue. Or you finish your work report. Simply putting your mental energy to just one thing at a time makes you more attentive and therefore productive. The downside: Other stuff stacks up. See the next point.
4. Cut yourself lots of slack. Even if you tackle it all fire-by-fire, you’ll still feel nagged by not living up to everything as well as you’d like. But hey, in a perfect storm of crises, just getting through is admirable.
5. But also realize this: You’re not a professional firefighter. By that I mean that while caregivers battle many blazes constantly, between eldercare and other competing needs (family, self, job), a week like mine -- where each urgent matter is in its own white-hot, super-needy mode at the same time -- should be relatively unusual. Those weeks stink, but they happen. They’re quirks. If multi-system chronic-crisis is your everyday life, every week, however, that's a red warning flare. Without more help and fewer burdens, you’ll soon crash and burn. (As in [burnout] (http://www.caring.com/caregiver-stress).)
“We live in ages and stages,” my late mother-in-law was fond of saying. And for those in the caregiving-sandwich stage, it's a challenge not to turn into pulled pork on burned(out) toast.
How do you decide which competing priority to focus on first? I really want to know. Especially this week....
First, let me say you sound like a very brave and caring person. Dealing with your own diagnosis/surgery/treatments would seem like a full plate. I send you a very big hug & hope you are in a good place with your treatment. Sorry you're in that "blender on high speed". These times sound so familiar and stressful. When I was working, my company knew of my family situation and some health issues (not cancer), and suggested that I go for stress counseling. Fortunately, this was covered by company insurance with a reasonably affordable co-pay (not cheap), and I was able to take advantage of it with my company's blessing. I found it very helpful as I went to a very capable and understanding psychologist and she was easy to talk to. I was able to explain my various situations and she would give me coping techniques. I learned to vent and prioritize and delegate. The only things that weren't completely possible since my husband is brain-injured/totally handicapped and I had my elderly mother with dementia living with us while working a full-time, stressful, very busy job: Take time for yourself. Take care of yourself. This was not always possible because of being "the sandwich" but I did take what I could from the sessions and they even help me to this very day. I once again find myself (now retired) in a blender on fast speed. Do try to take care of yourself - the stress is not good for your condition. Your mother's memory will not be helped by exhausting yourself - she really cannot comprehend the effort you and your family are giving to her situation. After I retired I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer (aggressive)I remember being in chemo/radiation and dragging myselt to nursing home where my mom finally had to go to visit her and having her so surprised to see me and telling me she thought I had died. It is sad, but you are now the adult and she's the child. When all is said and done, you are a hero and you will make it thru. Continue to vent--you are not whining. My thoughts an prayers for strength and endurance are with you.
Hugs LauraL, beatbreastcancer
What comes first? YOU! It is important that you put YOU in the picture, even if it is just a quiet cup of tea in a beautiful cup at the end of the day with peaceful music playing. Or, stepping into the backyard or garden and doing a deep breathing exercise. Or watching something funny on TV like Ellen (get up and dance with her. Just remember YOU are the most important person in the experience because if you get sick everything really does fall apart. In love and caring, Joy (author of the most important person in the experience is you.)
Oh, I'm in a week like that, too, only it's been going on about 3 weeks now, with little eyes of the storm just long enough for a deep breath. My problem is there are some things I just can't DO ANYTHING about, like my 2nd stage Alzheimer's mom calling in tears and telling me how none of her 6 kids come to visit her (when 2 kids show up every day to get her food and meds), how she misses us, how lonely she is and how she can't stand it any more. I can't tell her we DO come, because then she gets defensive and agitated and angry, telling me do I think she doesn't know her own mind and she knows who she sees and when. All I can do is let her go on until she calms down some and then make small talk about my kids and my day. When I hang up, I'm wrung out, angry at Alzheimer's, and ready to cry myself. There's financial problems as well, a son who's been sick all week and we don't know what's wrong, a changed insurance that pays for a LOT less, esp. meds, and lots of other junk I don't want to dump on you all. I'm so stressed out I'm having trouble finding the small bits of joy that come every day when you look for them; I'm trying not to let the stress overflow on my kids (9 and 11), because then they'll get worried and stressed. They do try to help, but I don't want them worrying any more than is necessary; they will, they've done it in the past, esp. when I was going through surgeries and chemo. Oh, I could go on, but I don't want to whine; some of it is my own fault (I'm a champion procrastinator!). My husband does what he can, but he's a lawyer (no, we're NOT rich), and his time is not his own; he's out early and works late and part of the weekend, so Saturday is our family day. I know there are lots of people out there in worse states than ours; at least he has a job. I just wish we could have a bit of trouble-free time to try to catch up with life. Thanks for letting me vent!
i hear you loud and clear.I'm the middle of one of those weeks but today my mom's radiation got canceled so what a relief. Who knew! Even she was relieved. Sometimes a window opens..... sending you strength.