Caregiving Isn't Funny -- Sometimes, It's Hilarious
By Paula Spencer Scott, Caring.com senior editor
There's absolutely nothing funny about dementia, cancer, Parkinson's disease, COPD, et. al. Except sometimes, there is.
What I mean is that terrible diseases are no laughing matters, yet they're rife with small absurdities, comic insights, and nervous energy that we often can't help releasing as quips and giggles.
A new British Alzheimer's Society poll finds that dementia is the most joked-about medical condition. Although almost a quarter of those surveyed said they regularly hear dementia jokes, only 8 percent believe it's acceptable to make fun of dementia. The society's president called this prevalence of dementia humor "shocking."
Is it shocking, or sanity saving, to laugh at horrible diseases?
Does being a caregiver give you a special pass?
I'm thinking of my grandmother's elaborate ruses to disguise her incontinence -- like carefully removing soiled clothes to "air them" on the hot radiator, which only worsened the smell. Exasperating, but funny. Or the Keystone Cops routine it took for four of us to change my mom's bed while she was in it during home hospice. Or the moment my dad gazed into the eyes of his dying wife and said, "I'll always remember you!" … to which she replied, "No you won't! You can't remember anything lately!" We kids all stared at each other in disbelief until we saw our parents smiling affectionately at each other -- and then we all cracked up.
I'm thinking, too, of the uneasy jokes so many of us have made about having Alzheimer's when we can't remember why we entered a room. Not like there are many distractions on our minds....
Even tasteless jokes ease stress. It's the whole point of gallows humor.
Too bad these outbursts often leave us feeling guilty or embarrassed, or even downright inappropriate. Sickness may be no laughing matter, but laughing is healthy. And if you're a stressed-out caregiver, you need all the sources of health-stoking you can get.
The first time my husband was taken to his neurologist for the MIME test he was doing OK on answering the questions. Then the doctor started pointing the collar on his shirt, then the cuff, etc. Asking, "What is this called?" When he got to his tie and tugged on it, my husband said, "That's a damn ugly tie!" For years, after he had forgotten many things, he always answered, damn ugly tie, and we all laughed.
My mother with Alzheimer's lives with my husband, kids, and I. He was out back working on our new deck. My mom looks out there and asks who that man is. I tell her his name. She asks "and he's related to you?" I say yes, he is my husband. Without a skipping a beat, my mother says..."I had one of those once." I just about split myself laughing after ducking out of the room. My parents have been divorced for over 30 years.... It is very stressful being the caretaker, but if you can't find humor in it some days, you will go nuts!
My cousin just sent me the link to this website. I love it. Very readable and informative. I am caretaking my 83-year old Mom 'way out in the country. My cousin is caretaking her Mom and my aunt, who will be 93. It's a laugh riot. I totally agree, if you can't giggle about it, it's probably not worth doing. Here's my "ALL TIME FAVORITE" that I hardly ever get to share becuz we're a little "churchy" and authoritative in the fam (policemen, teachers, military, etc.) One of the kids goes to a gentlemen's (strip) club with his paycheck and one of the "ladies" takes a shine to him. (He's cute and personable, and, hey, he's got his paycheck, right?) She starts feeding him Xanex and he's in her control for about a week. Scary! Wild escapades follow, including the lady "borrowing" her brother's car from his driveway for a few hours. Later ( this was YEARS ago) the kid looks at me with big, blue eyes and says, "Mom, steal a car and run away with ONE LITTLE STRIPPER and society just TURNS AGAINST YOU! Ya THINK?????? They don't seem to appreciate this story down at the local elementary school. What's up with that?
Hugs O LYN
Bless your heart, Paula! You are so right on sooo many levels! I DO think as a caregiver we have a special "pass"! It's like an inside joke. Thanks for sharing the beautiful, uniquely funny moment between your parents. I know it was a very difficult time for you, your dad, & your siblings, but thank goodness for a last laugh together as a family! God Bless You & yours! Laughter IS the BEST MEDICINE!
Hugs Paula Spencer Scott
Joy -- I admit: I laughed out loud. Just goes to show there's never one right answer in any aspect of dementia care....
Hugs Joy, EmmyM
There is a great book I just found. What's So Funny about long-term care? It's by Patt Schwab, PH.D. Tips, ideas, and examples of how to find humor. When my husband was in memory support, at 4 o clock, they lined everyone around the tv set and turned on Animal Planet. Well, those shows are not always the best! One time I was the only one in the room besides residents. They were training a dog not to hump peoples legs. While I looked fast for the remote, one man stared at the tv, then said, "That's a dang horny dog!"
This article has reiterated my stance on laughing and joking through this condition. Time with my Mom is always easier when we take the time to laugh.
Hello imoksheis2, Thank you very much for your question. I'm sorry to hear your mother has been having some trouble lately. If you'd like, you can post your question in our Ask & Answer section, here: ( http://www.caring.com/ask ). Take care -- Emily | Community Manager
I seem to be the only one visiting my mom nowadays,and she is not even IN a convalescent or Alzheimer's home.Mom and I were never close; But I must tell you, even though Sometimes I dread driving up to see her(she's 2 1/2 hrs from us, my bother's idea to house her it "half way" between the two of us), ---he has visited her but three times in a year.ANYway, what I was saying was: I love being with my mom when she talks, She is hilarious! really, the things she comes up with...you can't help but smile, even if her stories are all made up, which they usually arent. She will be 85 in NOv, and has had Alzheiemer's for almost 5 years.It is still in semi-early to mid stages, she still can make a pot of coffee, she still showers herself daily, still loves to go for rides in the car and to the store sometimes,,,, but yes,hiding the wet sheets is starting to become more frequent :( What do you do when it gets like this? She is really not ready for alzheimers' unit,nor could we afford any more than what we are paying where she is, a senior living community.
Hugs bosco2blessed
At Bible study one day , the pastor asked each to pray for whatever was on our minds. As each one gave their prayer ,I thought of the most important things I needed as a caregiver for my husband- I said -- Dear Father , Please give me patience and may I never lose my sense of humor. My husband and I have been married 62 years and though he has lost so much of himself in the last year, he can still appreciate simple humor and we can laugh together. I won't forget that. God Bless You All-- It is so hard even in the good times.
Hugs Paula Spencer Scott
One day my husband was feeling depressed and said "I am just a burden to you,you would be better off without me." I told him"You are not a burden, if you weren't here I would have to talk to myself and they would put me away!" There was another time when I told him I was going to the Town Dump and would be right back. He thought for a moment and said" The Dump! Take me to the Dump" I said there wasn't any place for people, just metal and cardboard and regular trash. He smiled and again said I should take take him to the Dump. I said how would he get there? He said he would walk, I told him the Dump would be closed by the time he got there and he just smiled and said"The Dump, I never thought of that." What surprises me is that it will be eleven years on Sept.20 since he died and I can still remember almost every word or incident when he was alive. Fidencia
I've had some funny visits with Mom to. I'm glad I found this site to. I actually used some of the advice on here yesterday and we had a great visit, about 2 hrs worth. I wish with all my heart I could bring her home but I just can't handle it 24/7 because Mom's up and down at night and I couldn't get any rest for her waking me up. I know how it was before when she lived with me. Mom could get real aggressive sometimes to the point of slapping and hitting me, but we had some fun times too
Hugs Paula Spencer Scott, The Caregiver's Voice
Caregiver's Voice you know this subject well -- and I like your subtitle, sometimes very apt.
HUMOR is so important. Think of it, we have the choice to enjoy the time with our loved ones or grow seriously saddened by the ordeal. After telling funny stories about my own challenges caring for my father, caregivers came up after my presentations to share their stories. (Theirs were funnier!) Since then 2 volumes of JOYFUL caregiver stories and photos have been released in a series called Finding the JOY in ... Alzheimer's. And it was a Brit who looked askance when he saw that title and needed an explanation! The subtitle of one of the volumes says it all: When Tears are Dried with Laughter.
My mom kept her sense of humor thru the two years she was dying of bowel cancer. One day Dad had to literally drag her into their trailer, after her radiation treatment, because she was so weak and she quipped: "I feel like one of the dead end kids!" Another time he was leaning over her in the hospital bed when the wind up alarm clock went off (for time to give her pills) and he was so startled that he fell across her. She said, "Don't go getting frisky Charlie!" and they both laughed heartily. My personal motto is: "If you can laugh at it, you can live with it" and I learned that it's true after watching my parents who are both gone now.
Hugs Paula Spencer Scott, connie p
Prayers bosco2blessed
My Mother has been disabled her entire life from Polio. We have stories we tell that split the sides of most folks. Now that she is getting older the stuff that happens is even funnier. Sometimes we laugh so hard the situation gets even worse! If we couldn't laugh at ourselves I believe we would just be too ordinary. She has made me promise to either do stand-up or write a book about all the crazy stuff that you have to face when you are disabled or aging. It will send the message that it is always ok to laugh at your situation.
I agree a sense of humor is very important and it has helped me greatly to survive . During the time my husband had Dementia he asked me if I had divorced him yet. I said" You know you can't get rid of me!" He asked"How long are we married?" I said "42 Years" He replied"How the Hell did that happen?" I said" One day at a time." I got the idea of using a tape recorder sometimes when we were together and I am glad I did. When I listen to the tapes I can hear him laugh and remember there were times he did, not all the times were sad. Like the time I approached him holding a Razor and Shaving Cream in my hands. He looked a me nervously and asked me what was I going to do. I said shave him, he asked if I had done this before? I said yes and never had a accident with anyone. He didn't let me shave him for days at a time so his whiskers were like wires. I had to draw blood to test his sugar because he had type 2 Diabetes and again he was fearful. He didn't understand why I was jabbing his finger tips with the lancet. Sometimes I couldn' t get any blood in the first finger and had to use some others. To get him to eat was difficult, I have a tape where I was trying to convince him to eat a Tuna Fish sandwich on a toasted hot dog roll. He told me to eat it, I said I would eat half and to spite me he could eat the other half but no way was he going to it eat it. Some days I didn't think I could go on but every morning I thought of something I had read " Lord, let me remember that nothing that is going to happen today that You and I can't handle together" That helped me alot. Keep your Chin up but don't trip over anything while you are doing it. God Bless you! Fidencia
Hugs RandyS
To her dying day, my mom's most memorable quote was..."sometimes you just have to have a bit of fun." We had fun and lots of laughter, at everyone's expense.
A sense of humor can save you life, so learning to laugh at ourselves and the human condition is one of the best ways to survive.
It is easy to see how laughter and humor eases the caregivers on this site - even if only for a while. who would feel that it is appropriate to deny them a chuckle or too, when there is sooooo much un-funny stuff going on in their lives!
Hugs Capt. Foxie
I love this! I think we just laugh at ourselves instead of going nuts. You have to laugh. Laughter is a great stress reliever too. And sometimes laughter can difuse a tense situation while being a caregiver. We have found on our web site that we often tell amusing things that have happened during our day. Someone always will comment and say thanks, I needed a laugh today!
i love this i am new at all of this and if i didnt find the humor in some of the things my parents are doing with one having moderate ad and the other one having mild i thing i would be in the crazy house and not able to take care of them i am very lucky that i have friends and found this site to vent and get info that and help finding the humor instead of always being negative
Anything can relieve stress! Even if it seems distasteful to some people.