Seeing Is Believing…but What Happens When You’re the Only One Looking?
By Paula Spencer Scott, Caring.com senior editor
Seems like every family in an eldercare situation splits, at various points, into the ones who see (the memory loss, the shuffle, the house falling apart around Mom, the need to plan ahead) and the ones who refuse to see.
I call ‘em the do-ers and the deniers.
How do you become one or the other when a caregiving crisis lurks, or explodes?
This week, I was interviewed for the Wall Street Journal ’s midlife work-family blog, “The Juggle,” about [when elder care duties lead to sibling rivalry] (http://blogs.wsj.com/juggle/2010/08/23/when-elder-care-duties-lead-to-sibling-rivalry/). And this subject of denial (though it wasn’t a topic in the post) came up over and over in the reader Comments section.
All kinds of denial:
“Mom’s got a health issue she’s literally sweeping under the rug.”
“My mom’s younger sister refused to accept how bad my grandmother’s condition was and offered no help with anything.”
“I have been stunned at how oblivious my brother is to my Mother’s decline…he can’t even see that she needs help paying bills and such, even though she’s hard pressed to even remember what day of the week it is.”
“My parents don’t really care to discuss things.”
“This subject stresses me out. My father hasn’t got a plan, is stubborn and refuses help.”
My family, too, has had its do-ers and deniers. Not all of us caught on at the same time to my parents’ various declines – and frankly, the two of them were the worst of the bunch! Mom ignored her own symptoms and covered for Dad’s. Dad was oblivious. And the day I dared to bring up the words “living will” will live in infamy. (They finally did them when Mom was in the hospital, just given a diagnosis of terminal cancer.) But even among the siblings and other relatives, while we were all in sync by critical junctures, there was a fair amount of frustration at the lollygaggers at various points along the way.
What do you suppose makes you a do-er? (I say do-er, because that’s obviously what you are if you’re reading this.) Are we more responsible types in general? More observant? More realistic about life?
And what’s up with those in denial? Wishful thinking that blinds them to reality? Longing for the past? A dislike of getting their hands dirty, or spending the money, or the time? Some quirk of birth order? Personality?
I’m not talking about who’s near or far physically. I’m talking about who’s psychologically on board with what must be done and tries to help, as opposed to who’s out in Neverland.
Their oblivion is our added stress. The remedy, psychologists say, is patience, and reassurance, and calmly presenting facts and asking for reconsideration. But that’s hard work for the worried caregiver who has enough to do already! One consolation: The knowledge that doing anything is better than standing by and doing nothing, even if you feel like you're hauling a two-ton truck up a cliff with dental floss all by yourself.
Good for YOU!!! youngest daughter!!! You spoke right up and took good care of yourself. You should be proud.
What stuck home for me is the way that some try to tell you how to do it and are over critical but not hands on helping. I call it too many chiefs & not enough Indians! I have found when this happens and I am getting throw a bunch of "you need to do this, this way" comments from my three older siblings, I just sit back, take a breath, calmly look them in the eyes and say, "I can understand how that's important to you, I have my hands full taking care of Mom and I support you to just go right ahead and take care of that!" They usually back down & get quiet but there are times when they step up and get it done.
The observers, who see a problem and are afraid to confront is a good description, but one that is hard to change. I saw a lot going on in a facility that I wanted to report, but I couldn't for fear that they would retaliate against my loved one. I tried having a meeting with the manager, but they were not at all pleased and called me a trouble maker.
Forwarding this to your family is a great idea. Thanks CA Claire! I was so thankful that my family all pitched in, even those out of town.
francesc -- thanks for that "dollar's worth" (worth more than two cents!) Advocate is a good word to remember--
Thanks for a great article. I think these days the deniers just don't want to be bothered with it all. I noticed this same type of phenomena 20-ish years ago when my now-grown children were in daycare. There were parents who wanted to know what their children did during the day and were truly concerned about any problems that may have arisen (whether their child was the instigator or not). And then there were the parents who really didn't care (I actually heard one say "I don't want to hear it" when confronted with a problem behavior from their child). I think it's the same thing with elder care. In many cases (and obviously not all) the children of the elder person do not want to be "bothered" by the problems/issues that arise involving the care of their elder person. Sad, but seemingly true. I think there may be a third category in all this that fits somewhere between the "doers" and "deniers" but I'm not sure what to call it. Observers maybe? Here's my description of that: When a responsible person doesn't want to "get someone in trouble" if they report care issues, be it in a facility or even with another family member. It seems to me that if you've take on the responsibility (whether you wanted to or not) to ensure an elder has good care. If you see things that aren't being handled appropriately and you refuse to report it/point it out to try and remedy the situation my opinion is you're as guilty of not doing your job as the person who is physically not doing their job. in all cases the elder person being cared for suffers to some extent from this type of behavior. Anyone who cares for or has a responsibility for an elder person needs to take on the role of ADVOCATE in addition to any other jobs they have for that elder. Just my two cents (although I think it was more than that!!!) <grin>
great identifying the two positions....but no necessarily 'right' and 'wrong.' I think the 'do-ers' are more skilled and ready to see what is happening to their loved one while the 'denier' don't know what to look for or are too afraid to face the decline of their family member.
helpful since it shows our family is not the only one split over what's the situation with 88yr old parents
because it's nice to know that there are others hauling a two-ton truck up a cliff with dental floss all by myself! I can not explain just how hard this has been until you actually walk in my shoes!
This article was to the point and so real. That's my family.