Caregiving: A Love Story
By Paula Spencer Scott, Caring.com senior editor
I recently wrote here about how caregivers often hate their situation, the disease at hand, and sometimes even the sick person. And with good reason, according to readers’ comments. Yet they keep on giving anyway -- sometimes in ways that surprise and amaze.
Take this story I recently heard, told in the words of a doctor....
How to dance in the rain
"It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80s arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00am. I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.
"While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor’s appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry.
"The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health. He told me that she’d been there for several years and that she was a victim of Alzheimer’s Disease.
"As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.
"I was surprised, and asked him, 'And you still go every morning, even though she doesn’t know who you are?'
"He smiled as he patted my hand and said, 'She doesn’t know me, but I still know who she is.'
"I had to hold back tears as he left. With goosebumps on my arm, I thought, That is the kind of love I want in my life.
"True love is neither physical, nor romantic. True love is an acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not be.
"The happiest people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the best of everything they have.
"Life isn’t about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."
Forgive me if you've already heard that one; it's been viral for at least three years now. I can't pinpoint its origins. But it's a pretty extraordinary example of caregiving love.
I wonder: Do you find the man inspiring, or worrisome? Is he motivated by selfless compassion and the true meaning of love, or is he a martyr who's perhaps endangering his own well being? How far should love push you? All the way? Part of the way? Where's the line, and how do you "make the best of everything" when that includes really bad things?
Whether you love caregiving right now or have come to hate it, what does this story say to you?
Since 2005 when she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's at age 54, my wife Sharon and I have done our best to "dance in the rain." I have to admit, there are days when just surviving the torrent is the best we can do. We decided early that we could curse the darkness or we could choose to light a candle. Our "lit candle" is our participation in a clinical trial (see ourclinicaltrial.info ). I know that here will come a time when, as the author stated, she will not know me. I pray that Alzheimer's will never keep me from knowing her and that God will allow me to be at her side, helping her, until the day he takes her home.
It is a wonderful story. I am dealing with my father who has alzheimer's and I plan on keeping him at home for as long as I can. I have people take care of him while I am at work and I am home at night and weekends and if I have to go out I take him with me if I can or get someone t stay with him. This story made me feel better.
Hugs Paula Spencer Scott
She doesn't know me , but I still know who she is, says it all. Very thoughtful insight, one I will always remember (as long as dementia doesn't get to me first} I hope to apply that sentiment to others as I live in a Senior/handicapped complex.
Hugs Paula Spencer Scott
I agree with ShannonM and offer an Inspirational caregiver love story between friends at http://www.thecaregiversvoice.com/latest-news/inspirational-caregiver-love-story-between-friends/ Paula Spencer, I am glad you shared this touching story even if I've also seen it via email several times. As an author of eight books, I've noticed, people pull out inspirational excerpts from books and post them online--often without attribution. If the author of this story is known, I would love to know. Related to the doctor's story is Ten Glorious Seconds--you can find this ten-minute video at: http://www.thecaregiversvoice.com/latest-news/ten-glorious-seconds-new-video-premiere/
Wow, the part in the story about "where do your marriage vows say you have to do this alone?" really hits home. I'm one of those who has to get past the "I love him so I have to do it all." It's only in 2011 that I've started to ask for help on a more regular basis. The last 5 years it's been for emergencies only. That is starting to take its toll and I realize I need to show my love for my hubby (with Alz) by letting others help me. Otherwise I might not make it another 5 years or however long this will continue, and I want to be there for him until the end. He now goes to a daycare while I'm at work; his sister comes over to keep him company for a few hours once a week while I'm at singing rehearsal; his brother is coming for a few hours this weekend so I can go somewhere all by myself just for fun. I know that some restoration to my spirits will allow me to show him better care in the loving way I want to. He's losing so much - I WILL preserve his knowledge that I love him as long as his Alz allows.
Hugs Braida, Piver, squirrels nest
Prayers hereistand
We are caring for my father in law and we make it a point to see him at least twice a day at the SNF where ihe is now. We do still know him as our "Papa Al" and always willl love him dearly.
I loved this story. It made me think of my husband while he was living. He was that kind of man. I know he would have done that also. But no one has to go that far. It all depends on doing a loving thing.Some do more in other ways when they take care of someone. Every person is different and you do what you can do . The main thing is to put as much love into that care as you can. I know it is hard many times, but God helps us.
Hugs Paula Spencer Scott
I love this story-it touches me. Though agree it's individualized...and people shouldn't feel guilty for not having the same perspective as this gentleman. Guess it could be perceived negatively if reading from that perspective. In my years as a geriatric care manager, we have seen every kind of relationship and history...and learned not to judge someone (especially before knowing all that) based on my personal beliefs or the way my family operates. Here is another caregiver's story I like to share: http://www.agingwisely.com/one-couples-story-til-death-do-us-part/. I think it illustrates the qualities of love and dedication, and also shows the process of readjusting as one realizes that perhaps doing it all alone isn't really what those marriage vows are all about (or the best way to help your loved one).