Caregiver Sex (Not)
By Paula Spencer Scott, Caring.com senior editor
Do you have a physical disorder that’s said to affect more than one in ten midlife American women -- or are you, um, a caregiver?
There’s a new drug being called “Viagra for women” to treat hypoactive sexual desire disorder, a.k.a. low sex drive.
Lost libido is a “disease,” say the makers of the drug (flibanserin), for which they’re seeking FDA approval. Critics are saying, ”Whoa, Nelly!” These experts believe that normal sexual desire in women covers a broad range and that medicalizing low sex drive -- calling it a "problem" -- will make healthy women think there's something "wrong" with them, when there's not.
Like...
Maybe they’re just stressed out! Burned out! Maybe a middle-aged woman with low sex drive is too taxed by work and kids and house and caregiving to even think about sex. Maybe her partner is sick. Maybe her mom with dementia lives in the next room and keeps the daughter up all night with her wandering. Maybe she lies awake at night worried about money. Maybe she argues with a spouse over priorities and lack of support. Maybe she’s grieving a relationship with a partner forever changed by illness.
Is it any coincidence hypoactive sexual desire disorder strikes middle-aged or older women most?!
I was snickering out loud when I got to the ending of the New York Times article about the drug:
“Boehringer [the manufacturer] has also sponsored medical education classes for doctors and nurses about hypoactive sexual desire disorder.
In one course, released online in May, a quiz asked doctors to diagnose the condition of a 42-year-old working mother who takes care of three children and her own sick mother, and who had no desire for sex. (Her husband is mentioned only in passing.)
The correct answer? Schedule a follow-up visit to evaluate whether she has diagnosable hypoactive sexual desire disorder.”
Or gee, maybe instead of being so quick to slip her a drug, the doctor could prescribe her some respite care. Or better yet for that particular example, prescribe her a bottle of wine and a solo weekend, all by herself -- while her husband takes care of the kids and the mother. That’s the way to recharge her batteries and feel more amorous toward him when she gets back!
On the other hand, I'm sick of doctors NOT willing to help me out with a prescription because they diagnose all women's problems as stress, or worse, that we are shy about sex ("start with cuddling or back rubs"). Men get their viagra, women get ridiculous ideas that don't recognize that women have sexual desire too.
I'm 64 and my husband is 71. He has vascular dementia, which has slowly progressed over the last 10 years. And although it has been many years since he has actually "asked" for sex, my sense is that he still would find it very pleasurable. But that is not my reality! And so, about 8 months ago, I decided I was done!! I love my husband, and am deeply commited to his overall well being. However, intimacy from sexual intercourse (with my husband of 35 years) has become an undesireable experience. And so, an "executive decision" was made...but not without guilt and doubt. Fortunately, I found comfort and support, from the staff at the adult day care center where he goes M-F. I was assured that I must honor myself...that I must not sacrifice my personal needs, wants and desires, in lieu of what I think "I owe my husband, as his wife"! Indeed, caregiver's (and in my opinion, especially wives), have their hands full enough, without this added pressure of on-going sexual responsibities to their spouses.
Where there is money, there is a pill to relieve you of it!
Exactly! Recharging is the best idea I have heard yet!
Amen to tweaker's comment! There's something terribly pathetic about a doctor who is so ready to offer such a pill. He/she is someone who doesn't have a clue about the real lives of real people, especially those with heavier burdens than lack of libido.
Thanks for your encouragement and recognition that a woman can have any level of sexual desire whatsoever (!) and still be NORMAL!!!
Don't you love it--Viagra for men--the rudest drug in the world. You know " Hey, I'm ready"--and the reply should be--Just hold on a moment and I'll work myself into a frenzy--and now it's a pill for women. Just thimk of it--Hey Sweetie--get it up--I'm ready now. Wonder how that will go over!
Where's the pill that enlightens partners to the load some carry and how sex naturally pulls down the priority list given the 24 hour time limit in a day? Sometimes compassion goes even further than regular old passion in a relationship.
Thank you for taking a stand on this issue! I have been suffering now, for over 1 1/2 yrs., with an undiagnosed fungal infection of the intestines. I have seen 13 different specialists. At least one has now been able to stabilize my condition for which I experience horrible incapacitating symptoms! (I am on my way to see yet another who somewhat sounds promising.) One of the last (witch) docs that I saw said that all I needed was to improve my sex life, "& then everything will be fine"! He then wrote me out the Rx to, "fix my problem"! OMG! I feel like we are still in the middle of the, "Dark-ages"! I am seriously considering trying to start another type of grassroots, "Women's Suffrage Movement" to address this injustice! I am now just trying to get the word out, let my voice be heard, & pray for: HELP!
yes sir, nothing says desire like having an ill partner you are caring for on your own, who has had sexual problems, who is now nasty and mean spirited to you, who is now moderately incontinant turn to you expecting sex and for you both to enjoy it! maybe I better take a pill--or maybe leave me alone and let me read my book in peace!
So I have hypoactive sexual desire disorder!!! Who knew?!? All this time I thought it was because I'm holding down a full-time job, while taking care of the special needs of my husband in mid-stage Alzheimer's, while watching his mind slip farther and farther away, while taking over more and more of the responsibilities that keep the house and yard going, while wondering how much more quality time we have left together, while worrying about how much money will be left to care for ME after this is all over, while seeing HIS libido and performance being affected by the depression and the meds, while grieving the loss of our dreams for the future... And all I need is a pill!!!!!
You go! That's the first sense I've heard in a long time.