Step One: Find the "I" in Caring
By Paula Spencer Scott, Caring.com senior editor
First steps don't have to be big to get you somewhere. That was my big "bingo" moment while listening to stress expert Eva Selhub, the senior physician at the Benson/Henry Institute for Mind/Body Medicine at Massachusetts General Hospital and author of The Love Response. (What she dubs the "love response" is the antidote to the body's well-known "stress response," a stress buffer that's created by self love, social love, and spiritual love.)
Every caregiver has heard about the "attach your oxygen mask first" message about the importance of self care. Well how many of you then thought, Yeah, right? We all want to lower our risk of heart disease, depression, hostility, obesity, and all the other glum scenarios (premature death!) that too often befall those who care of someone who's ill, frail, or disabled. Putting our good intentions into action is another matter.
Selhub makes it simple. She boils down the caregiver's dilemma to asking yourself one question:
What do I need in order to give?
Notice there's an "I" in that sentence –- right along with the word "giving." Both are important. "In order to know what you need, you have to pay attention to your body's signals, to the thoughts in your head, and the longings in your heart," Selhub says. "You can't know what you want or need if you are so busy taking care of others that you're ignoring yourself."
Giving without receiving, she says, is the recipe for burnout.
The very first step to caregiver self care, then, is simply to be aware. You don't even have to answer the question, not yet. First, just recognize the validity of looking in the mirror (or into your soul) and asking, What do I need in order to give?
Small step. Right direction.
In future posts I'll be exploring ways to figure out the answer (which is, for most of us, more accurately a zillion answers). Better yet, I'll offer up ways to put the answers into action – especially when you feel you lack courage, time, money, or support. I'll talk to other caregivers about what hurts, what works, and why. I'll look at new studies on caring and healing through the lens of the caregiver's experience. (I call it the "but what does that mean for me" perspective.) I'll point out companies and corporate policies that are helping – or hindering. And I'll pitch common caring complaints to experts in stress, time management, wellness, and other disciplines, mining for nuggets that go beyond those "yeah, right" clichés like "have a long, hot bath" and "don't forget to take a vacation!"
Every other person around me seems to be in caregiver mode, and I've been there myself: Both parents and a grandmother; cancers, dementias, stroke, broken bones; in the hospital, at home, in a nursing home, in rehab, in hospice. I know from all our stories that there are wonderful moments to this odd life stage – but also that sometimes there aren't good solutions to the stress marks on our psyches, aside from venting and eating chocolate.
I'm on a mission to keep the "I" in caring capitalized.
Hi judyfarmer, Thanks for your comment. Hallucinations and false beliefs, like the ones your mother is having, are common with Alzheimer's patients. You can learn more about them and how to manage them, here: ( http://www.caring.com/alzheimers-hallucinations ). I hope that helps. Take care! Emily | Community Manager
Has anyone dealt with their AD person saying they have bugs crawling in their hair. My mom has insisted that she has lice because she can feel the bugs crawling. Of course, there are no bugs.
too general - didn't get a caring "feeling" from the author
as I am the old person & not a care giver it had nothing to do with me
I took to heart your advice and finally back to my normal self,back to work and a care giving here at home and a continent away.After a disability I am more cautious now,I do not wish to be at the end of being taken cared when I am still capable.I give a credit to Anoymous for caring for their elderly parents.I don't have parents now but my siblings and I have our elderly aunts and uncles who are unmarried and had no children but have various nephews,nieces like us.They are my father's cousin.We were just praying they will not get sick all at the same time.It will be logistical nightmare.
GET A PUP. YOU WILL NEED TO WALK IT SEVERAL TIMES A DAY. VERY GOOD EXERCIZE FOR BOTH YOU AND THE PUPPY.
Care giving to our love ones are the most difficult one compared to stranger except when they go to Nursing home,care home. I was told that staff who really cares often get attach to their patient and consider them as their own.I give these people a credit.Some of us are lucky with big family.We should utilize that by asking help even for half hour,an hour just to relive you while you run errant or a time out for yourself a coffee break or short walk that's for me.A hug for everyone. We were there for our love ones.
Kidme56: I drive myself crazy trying to rethink my situation and if the best choices have been made and if I had tried to keep mom at home with dad and then I have to call a supportive friend and say, "Did I do the right thing?" and she always reassures me that the nursing home is the safest place for mom now. Make sure that you have friends or a support group or sites like this that you can let out your concerns to. Remember take care of yourself.
I am on disability,pain is the most difficult to deal with at night.Exercise is part of the plan for recovery.The pain killer ordered by the Md. does work well,but I'm afraid to take a stronger one too.And I cannot find the leaves my grandmother use to apply to a sore area,but then there are no pristine forest anymore and I have not seen the plant for along time.
To DMJ, Thank you for validating something I already knew,but guilt, grieve, and anger is so great that some times it is not easy to look at a situation rationally.Talking about it some how and there is someone to listen helps.Thank you again.
Each week as part of the worship service we are asked to share joys and/or concerns. Today there were several prayer requests regarding loved ones' new cancer diagnoses along with a serious pregnancy complication for one of the young couples. This small 100 member multicultural, multiracial protestant church is such a wonderful place to "recharge our batteries", to be nurtured spiritually and to share after services with others who are also caregivers or who were former caregivers. Seems like the "I" is beginning to be felt....a tiny little bit! Having spring arrive helps tremendously, also. MNPsych MNPsych
kidme56: Who should you help firt? Finally, I know the answer to one of these questions. You must help yourself first and take care of yourself so that you can help others.
It is so difficult to be a caregiver when, you have to give it a continent a away.There is the guilt to deal with,there is the delegation of duty and provision of monetary support while I work to be able to met that obligation meantime I have to provide care giving also to myself while I am sick since no one is there to give.And I have to ask myself who shall I help first me or them?
My son and I had this discussion last night. My husband and I are caring for both our mothers, aged 88 and 101 in our home. I tried to do it all, but was constantly exhausted physically and emotionally. We found someone to come in three hours a day and help with their baths. My husband has also retired and is very helpful. Two things have helped me tremendously in addition to the outside help. One is that we go to the Recreation Center and walk most every morning while our helper is here. After walking, I participate in an aquatic class. I told our son I feel guilty about taking so much time for myself, but he assured me that taking care of myself needs to be a top priority. The class gives me relaxing exercise and also some social contacts. The other thing that we did that has saved me mentally was to take our extra bedroom and make a tv room. My mother-in-law was sitting in our open living, dining, kitchen area 14 hours a day. I had no privacy and it was more than I could take. Now she has her own place to sit and watch tv. I wish we had done that sooner.
I really needed to read all these letters tonight. I cared for my mother and father for 5 years. My mother lived in an apartment on the same campus where my father was in a nursing home. He had dementia, maculardegeneration, and couldn't hear. My mother was okay for the first two or three years, but she couldn't hear either! Of course, we took them to get tested for hearing aids, but when they discovered the testing would cost money, they refused to be tested. Later, my mother also got dementia. After my dad died, my mother got even worse. Just before Christmas this past year, she suffered a stroke and died the evening after Christmas. They were 97 and 98 when they died. And as one woman said, I have not grieved either. And now my husband has early stage of Alheimers. Now, I need the "I" in caring!!
My nearly a decade-long life of caregiving ended 8 months ago tomorrow when my spouse of 24 years died from heart muscle damage, resultant pulmony edema, heart failure, etc. He had experienced a period of remission from his prostate cancer, but it was active again, also. He fell, was increasingly frail, demanding, angry and frightened. We spent our days going from one specialist to another for all of the ills. The nun from his RC parish convinced him that Hospice help was a very good thing, and he agreed! However, that was 20 days prior to his death and the in-house hospice help, for us, amounted to a daily bath and linen change [took about an hour and a half, max] then the rest of the days and nights were mine. I'm just beginning to be past the worst of the sleep deprivation and now can start the grieving process. Although I know that anticipating loss of one's love should count toward the grief work process, it doesn't seem to help when the time to grieve really begins.
I too look forward to future posts on this subject. I am 41 and care for my 3 yr old and 2 parents in their 70's, who suffer with dementia/alzheimers. For years I've been suffering with a lot of fatigue and when my parents moved in with me and my husband 7 months ago the fatigue became chronic! I just started seeking a doctor's help (naturalpathic doctor)just this month and came to find out that I suffer from adrenal fatigue as well as some low thyroid from my blood test results. For too long I've been doing doing doing waaaay too much!! Now it's time to shift the other direction and rest rest rest. My doctor (who has been a caregiver too) suggested I make a list of things that I can do for at least 30 minutes every day. Something just for me, relaxing and fun; walking, going out to eat, going to see a movie, dancing, taking yoga or tai chi classes, reading a book at the park. Whatever it is it must be done outside the place where you do your caregiving. It is so important to take the time for you, schedule it in like an appointment, it's how we can become the best caregivers to those we love.
Anonymous, age 65: You are in my thoughts (well, all of you are--). No matter what the specific circumstances, the reality of holding onto your self and sanity is hard, especially while simultaneously loving and grieving. And yes, something I'll be exploring a LOT more as it's the heart of the challenge...
I didn't see this post until now & I am looking forward to more suggests. I exercise, eat right but my mind can not concentrate and I am sad. I just think I get a handle on my emotions and bam I am bawling like a baby which leaves a person exhausted for the day. Thanks for any suggestions you can offer. By the way I find a nice long bath helps a little.
At the ages of 65 my husband and I care for 3 elderly parents: 90, 91, and 94 with varying stages of dementia and physical weaknesses. We should be joining our friends in retirement, traveling, and grandchildren. I don't see how you who are working, raising children and caring for the elderly even begin to do it all. I will look forward to future posts as I am not taking care of myself, know that I should exercise, but am exhausted from caring for our parents and my own arthritis. We are blessed that they live in a care facility but grieve over why the end of life has to be so hard.
One of the best things a caregiver can do is to make time for at least some exercise. It's the one thing that helps keep me sane and physically fit enough to handle the time demands and stress of working full-time, caring for an 11-year-old son and an 85-year-old mother with dementia.