The Happy Test
By Paula Spencer Scott, Caring.com senior editor
“When's the last time you were happy?” It’s not a trick question. It’s a simple, straightforward one. So why can it be so hard to answer? When somebody asked me during a dark patch awhile back – sick parent, sick marriage, sick of everything being hard, thankless, and scary – I actually drew a blank.
”Happy…happy...let’s see….” I finally dredged up a memory of feeling happy on a vacation: sitting on a cliff, in the mountains, fresh air, no worries, yep, happy.
On a trip two years earlier.
I knew this was a pathetic answer. Two years of unhappiness? Happy should be easy! Happiness needn’t only come on vacations. (Interestingly, I just read a study that said people are happier *planning * a vacation than they are actually taking one!) Happy should be a daily thing. That’s not to say we should expect to walk around in a chronic state of bliss (let’s be real!). But a constant state of blah?
Buying flowers can be happy. Trading a joke with a friend. Counting your blessings. Eating a good meal. Sitting on a back screen porch with a trashy book. Being around someone you love. Happy isn’t really too much to ask or too hard to attain.
But not even one of those weeny-happy moments registered for me when I was asked.
Which is why I started crying right after I answered. I'd been too overloaded by crud to register pleasure, much less joy. On some level, I hadn’t even felt entitled to be happy – because if I had, I'd never have let myself grow so distant from it.
I wanted happy! I was suddenly greedy for happy! Corny as it may sound, that question was a wake-up call. I began to look for little ways to reclaim everyday cheer. (Yes, chocolate was involved.) And I resolved to begin some big-picture work, too, on what it would take to right myself.
When's the last time you felt happy? What makes you happy? I ask myself that every day now. You?
I loved the Happy list of ideas. I am going to try the hand massage, scrapbooking and decoupage. My Mother who is in mid severe range loves to play dominoes, and easy card games so it is possible that this could also bring joy to others. My Mother already does folding laundry, feeding the birds, and her cat (which gives her great pleasure). Helping me seems to console her, even though the "help" sometimes makes my work harder and take longer. I do take her to church, but now I will start talking with her more about lessons and psalms. I will try and see if reading to her is enjoyable, she does not watch tv or listen to the radio. I just keep postive and try to give her the love and joy she gave me growing up!
Hugs Paula Spencer Scott
My mother was always very positive. She passed away in January in my home, in my arms. I miss her so much as dificult as it was taking care of her. You truly need to treasure each moment. We danced and laughed right up until her sickness and then I had to help her with the transition of dying. She was confused, but she knew she was dying. When I made a photo memorial of her, I realized just how happy she was in life. Always smiling. Let happiness be our guide.
This is a timely article for me, my life is not what I want it to be, but I must fight to make my surrounding and life as pleasant as I can for myself. We don't get a do-over in life. The good, the bad and the ugly are thing you have to just try and deal with, most times you just have to accept the hand you have been dealt and try and make the most of it.
Hugs Paula Spencer Scott
listening to music makes me happy,it relaxes me.let's see,being positive/having a conversation,you see i find even the littleist things in life i appreciate and that also makes me happy .when my husband makes me laugh,when i sing to myself it makes me happy.although when i am sad,i am happy.
yes,it was helpful,i find being positive,being around positive people/enviroment can make you happy,i like making someone else happy, makes me happy, seeing the expression on their faces,just being able to loving,and caring, and making someone smile really makes my day,being happy is truly a blessing.
31 days ago my beloved husband of 60 years was given 4-6 weeks to live. It has been the worst experience of my life. Tears have been abundant. Friends' kindnesses have been overwhelming. Family support has been phenomenal. Yet, nothing numbs the hurt and loneliness. I try to think positive thoughts but the fact that death is fast approaching seems to be all I can think of. Facing his eminent death plus the additional financial burden of nursing home care not covered by medicare has taken it's toll on me. Sorry for myself? Sure. I pray everyday for guidance and I hope that somehow I can continue to be there for him and let him know just how much he is loved. Life will go on for be but it will never be the same. Will it get easier? I am sure it will but how long will it take? I am thankful for 60 great years and hopefully those memories will sustain me along with the support of family and friends.
I want to be happy, and I believe God (or whoever/whatever you call your Higher Power) wants for us to be happy. Having said that, of course, I'm not always happy. But I try. I try to find things to laugh at. I try not to take myself too seriously. I've been called "silly" many times, and I consider it a compliment! My dad is in a nursing home with Parkinson's & dementia, but he's getting good care and he looks great. And because Dad's in the n.h., Mom is able to have much more joy in her life. She was falling apart at the seams before--physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual exhaustion. Now she enjoys her visits with Dad; she can chuckle at the silly things that go with dementia. My huband (age 57) was just diagnosed with PSP (progressive supranuclear palsy). Because it's progressive, he will only get worse with time. Right now he can use a rolling walker. I know there are a lot of changes coming in the next few years for us, but right now, I just want to get as much enjoyment out of life as we can. I want us to do everything that we are capable of doing now. We all stumble through life as if it will last forever. Deep down we know it won't, but we don't tend to live very intentionally. I feel like my husband and I have been given a chance to live with intentionality--to make every day count. Because we know with certainty that it won't last forever. My husband is more of a pessimist, so I'm the family cheerleader (not a pretty sight at age 52!). But we're going to be happy, even if it kills us! (Sorry for that bad humor.)
Lying in bed last night I thought to myself, I'll probably never be "happy" again. First, I had to define what "hapiness" means to me. I guess it means that all is well and I "enjoy" each day, for the most part. My wife and I are both 70 and she has dementia, so that is the source of my "unhappiness", if I should call it that. As I think about it, i know there are many things to be thankful for: Her personality hasn't changed for the worse as happens with some who have dementia. She's still the same loving person she always was. She can still get around albeit shakily at times. She can still wash dishes and fold clothes, and bathe herself. I do the rest. We still tease each other and laugh together. And this provides snippets of happiness. We were able to sell our lake place quickly, a place we enjoyed for nearly 19 years together up until the last year when she didn't enjoy it anymore and it became just a place for me to work. I have faith in God and have a place to go when I get down. So I don't really think of myself as "unhappy", I just don't have that gung-ho, smiley-faced "happiness" that I used to have. Therefore, back to the question of when was the last time I was happy? Probably five to eight years ago when my wife was closer to her normal self, I had reitred recently, and we were getting to travel through the state to watch our granddaughter play volleyball in college. Those were carefree days. Maybe part, or all, of this is my fault. Several posts have stated that happiness is a choice. I know that could be true from similar experiences in life. It is time for an attitude adjustment in my own life. Thanks for the encouragements I see in blogs like this along with the responses.
Wow-so glad I found this site and these topics and these comments. I tend to be a "down" kind of person anyway and the last year has been awful. Dad had stroke-though he mostly came back from it ok. Mom died suddenly. Dad immediately started acting very weird. Had to have him put in psych ward for evaluation (I convinced him the dr. did it so he wouldn't be mad at me about it). Diagnosis? Just like I'd been telling my sibs-dementia. They kept saying it was grief but I KNEW it was not that. A word about POA: couldn't do that because he was already IN dementia and not fit to make that decision! Had to spend thousands going to court to get what amounted to full guardianship over him and anything pertaining to him. In hindsight this may have been better anyway. God was good-though I am still mad at HIM about mom. I'd found what i thought was a great home for him for -when the time came-but it was not as close as I'd like. So at lunch i went to visit one right by us. I had not before cause it was old, etc. Anyway, the people were great, I was very impressed. That afternoon started the series of events that forced me to have him evaluated. I called the home and they immediately started the paperwork for him to move there when the hospital was done with his eval. He has to have someone around 24/7 just to make sure he doesn't hurt himself or anything, so a home was the only answer for us. This home has been tremendous. Can't say enough about them. Now, I've finished cleaning out his apt and getting rid of things and I know he is safe and well taken care of. NOW-I have to find some way to take care of me. This site has been so helpful in that, and many other ways!
Hugs caregiving wife
"caregiving wife" has great suggestions -- see also the Caring.com To Do lists, which cover specific situations: http://www.caring.com/to_do_lists
to DianeW and anyone else this could help... Legal things - so many but so important. I'm still learning all the things that need to be done, but here's a starter list. These will all be much easier if you take care of them while the person you're caring for still has the presence of mind to approve them. If you wait too long and they can no longer state that they agree to these things, you'll have to go through more paperwork (and expense) to prove these things should be done: Establish Power of Attorney for finances and health Get them a state I.D. card if they aren't driving anymore (The driver's license will expire and they won't have a current form of I.D.) Get your wills set up Get someone set up as executor for their disability checks (That person will fill out an annual report that states they've used the money for care and expenses, not to jet off to Tahiti!) Get them a medical alert I.D. I also have one. It states that I care for someone with a memory disorder, so if something happens to me, the I.D. gives a number to call so someone can make sure my husband gets the help he needs. (I used www.medicalert.org/SafeReturn) Register with the V.A. if the person is a U.S. veteran Register with the department of aging in the person's county of residence (The last 2 can help with services and financial aid) Start looking into options for in-home care or care facilities so you aren't caught off-guard when the time comes I'm sure there's more, but these are the ones I know about so far. Best of luck to everyone, God bless you, and hang in there!
Hugs mjsessa
Hi all. I'm looking for all the help I can get. My 57-year-old husband was just diagnosed with PSP, which means he is as good as he'll get; it will only get worse from here. I usually tend to be pretty happy and optimistic, but my husband is the pessimist. It's hard to be 'up" all the time for him. He's been in the hospital for a week and then in the nursing home for rehab for two weeks and is coming home tomorrow. I just hope we can try to get on with living our life, and not just waiting to die. Thanks for listening.
trying to stay "up" .At times I do get depressed and happy is hard to find.Most days I do well because I have my little art studio to keep me reasonably busy.I also love to read fiction books,mostly mysteries to get away from reality.I am basically a happy person but really Happy is hard to remember.I need a beach trip by myself,that always makes my happy.Next month for sure!
I get up every morning and say out loud "I am in a state of joy." When I started doing this - I wasn't - now I am. Sadness and happiness exist only between your ears - I've learned it's a choice! Tell your self (outloud) what you are choosing and start listening. http://www.facebook.com/pages/Toilet-Riser/128257350547563?filter=3
Hugs marinparent
Some days, I have to make my own sunshire. Found out years ago, when you try to cheer up someone else - it just rubs off on you! So now no matter what the weather is like outside...the sun is always shining in my office... it's my choice. Sure Mom still has dementia and my marriage of nearly 40 years is shakey; can I change them? No,...but I can still make sunshine! By being pleasant and kind and upbeat with everyone I see today, I will receive the Blessing of Happiness, when it "rubs off" on me. God Bless You, each and every one.
Too much sadness... makes me realize I'm actually doing pretty well. I get down because things aren't the same: my hubby's Alz is taking him away a little at a time, things keep getting more difficult for him, we'll never go on a real get-away vacation trip together again, I'll need to keep taking over more and more responsibility and work as time goes on, and so on. HOWEVER, I still hear the birds singing their cheerful "good morning" songs, I still see beautiful sunsets, hubby and I still enjoy hugs and ice cream cones and music and funny movies and concerts in the park. My anti-depressant helps me keep my chin up but doesn't suppress the tears, so I have that release (and use it often!) I may not have the really cheerful, bubbly, giggly times, but I have reasons to smile, especially if I LOOK for them. I have to agree wtih ESeaton1. Happiness is something you can cultivate. Easier for some than for others, but not impossible. Find a pretty journal book and write down ANYTHING that makes you smile - a shooting star, a goldfinch in the front yard, a child giggling - and go back to your list as often as you can. "Oh yeah, I remember last Halloween when that little girl was so cute in her princess costume..." A good place for a laugh is "Icanhazcheezburger.com". Some of the pics are so funny that you just have to feel better, even if only for a little while. Here's to that smile!
Hugs uncadiane, uncadiane
So many poignant stories...my heart goes out to you all...is recognizing the need the first step to getting there do you think?
For sop832-You are loved by God..."It's been 2 years at least. My 95 yo mom moved in w/ my DH and I 2 yrs ago. My marriage is in shambles, my sister ignores us an d I could use a good cry but my antidepressant suppresses that physical release..." I am so sorry your marriage is in such bad shape. I know I could not still be married and still be taking care of my dad, (who is 89) if I was not divorced. He would probably be in a nursing home because my ex wife, I am not sure, would she want to? probably not if she wasn't the woman for me. Anyway, I believe God is testing me, my courage, when I became divorced to see if I can handle the pressure put upon me now. My love for my dad keeps me going on and on. I am clinically depressed, have anxiety and panic attacks and ADD. I cry whenever I have the need to, my anti-depressants don't stop me from doing that. "...Even 1 weeks vacation last fall was not as fun as it should have been, it was cut short by mom being hospitalized from respite care. I look at myself and see a woman with no light in her eyes and those turned-down things around my mouth. I see no end in sight except if my marriage dissolves- my mom is ridiculously healthy for her age..." Talk to your DH and explain what you are going through and hope to keep your marriage strong. In that way you can both go through this together. I have no DH or anyone except my therapist and my younger sister, (who doesn't really understand what I go through every day with the depression and the anxiety) my dad and I have no other visitors come to our place except whenever my sister and her family decide to visit or when I ask her to. My biggest obstacle is the loneliness I face from lack of a social life; which I didn't have until I was married, when my marriage failed, so did my social life. It's funny, I didn't realize how important this was until I lost it completely. My therapist is kind and caring and wants to help me any way she can however, she is no mind reader and most of the time I can't express really what is going on. She's the closest person who knows me so well. However, she's married and has her own familuy needs, same as my sister, with three beautiful children going to college, a loving husband and a mortgage she's paying by having them both work full time. Yes, some days it can be rough, the only enjoyment my dad has it seems is watching a baseball game be played by his favorite Boston Red Sox or Boston Celtics or the New England Patriots, yet I find he's content with just being where he is, at home. May God Bless you. Amen. Mc Huggs :)
It's been 2 years at least. My 95 yo mom moved in w/ my DH and I 2 yrs ago. My marriage is in shambles, my sister ignores us an d I could use a good cry but my antidepressant supresses that physical release. Even 1 weeks vacation last fall was not as fun as it should have been, it was cut short by mom being hospitalized from respite care. I llok at myself and see a woman with no light in her eyes and those turned-down things around my mouth. I see no end in sight except if my marriage dissolves- my mom is ridiculously healthy for her age.
Prayers Mc Huggs
As someone who deals with depression, sadness, frustration and anxiety in their lives, I find it challenging to feel happy all the time. Dealing with the multiple side effects of medication, restrictions placed by insurance companies and Doctor's who prescribe these drugs can also be a challenge. Luckily I can turn to the caring and support of therapists who understand my ordeals. I know if I wasn't here my elderly dad would be in a nursing home, (not that there's anything wrong with nursing homes, I just feel hen should live inn his own home.) As a caretaker the pressure of being on call 24/7 and living with him all the time just adds to the pressure. I love my dad, and they would be nothing I would not do for him however, it's a small sacrifice I have made after my second marriage fell apart and my loving mother died in January 2007 from a courageous battle with cancer the year before. However, I see my dad who is 89 years young, who was just interviewed and accepted for a research study for his hip replacement surgery last May, answering questions that he's the happy one, he loves his life, he's not depressed or feels helpless, yet needs help every step of the way to move himself from point A to Point B. He is a inspiration to my sister and myself and a miracle of nature. I should not feel sorry for myself and will remember his plight before I think I am the unhappy one. Thank you for your inspiring comments. Nameste.
How timely this article is! These same thoughts went through my mind the other night while lying in bed. I too could not answer. Oh, I had a moment here and there and maybe a giggle or two but nothing that lasted even a whole day. All I could think of was all the family members who are now gone, ages 6 to 68 who are no longer here. I thought about my marriage and how after waiting "all those years" I tied the knot only to have him suffer a horrible fall in a super market resulting in 22 operations. He will never walk normally again. Then, my sister and I recently put our dad into a nursing home as a result of his dementia and that didn't make us feel very good. Yes, he's safe and he is getting good care. We are both trying to find our "happy zones" and I found walking through a garden center feels good - even if I don't buy anything. It tells me that it all goes back to the simple things. When I read the part about the vacation planning being a happier time than the actual vacation, I thought of words my mother once told me............"Anticipation is greater than the realization."
To quote you Paula..... "On some level, I hadn’t even felt entitled to be happy – because if I had, I'd never have let myself grow so distant from it."..... This is where I am at this point. Am too tired to even try. There's just nothing. That happy, silly, fun, bubbly, cheerful me is lost. Seems like another lifetime.............
Certain things make me feel happy. As a care giver to my dad some times I am not always happy. I believe we sense being, "unhappy with ourselves when we witness an event that we used to be familiar with...and now we can't. It could be a reminder of a broken relationship, something that reminds you of the death of a close family member, or even a pet that passed away and sometime sparks something in your mind to bring those images back. Then, we feel sadness and react with tears or sadness. We can all feel happy at one point of our lives the question is, "can we do this so that our happiness is real and that our unhappy moments don't consume us and we feel overwhelmed." When I feel overwhelmed, rushed, can't do it all, need help emotionally and physically, I am not a happy camper.
Being Happy is a habit that is easy to cultivate. I feel that if you can walk, talk, chew your food and go to the bathroom alone - you're doing GREAT!! These are four things that most of us take for granted and to others they are just wishful thinking. Don't look at what you don't have, look at what you have. I know this is easy to say but, I've been depressed and was able to come out of it. Try to find something positive in your life, even if it's just a blade of grass. It's growing and alive and that's something positive.