Intimate relationships happen in nursing homes just as they do in any other housing situation. But nursing-home staff and family members often discourage residents from expressing their sexuality, says a report in the Journal of Medical Ethics.
That's because nursing home sex can be uncomfortable for younger generations to contemplate, or because policies are unclear or controversial.
"You get couples who have been living together for 50 years and then they move into a residential care facility. Suddenly they have to have separate beds, and that can be quite distressing for them," lead author Laura Tarzia, a researcher at the Australian Centre for Evidence Based Aged Care, told the NPR "Shots" blog. "But I think it's even more difficult for people who form new relationships in a residential care facility, because then staff don't really always know how to deal with it, and sometimes families have objections."
Things can get even more complicated when the person making or receiving advances, or having sex, has Alzheimer's. Some family members with [power of attorney] seek to make decisions about intimacy. Tarzia, who's working to create a sensitivity self-assessment tool for residential care facilities, says that's inappropriate.
"We need to normalize the idea that older people are human beings," gerontologist William H. Thomas told "Shots." "They have the same needs and same desires they had before. Age changes those needs and desires, but they are still there." "There are laws about consent for sexual activity, by state, but there's no top age on those laws," Thomas says.
Thomas recommends that adult children talk with parents about the issue of sexuality in nursing homes. That seems rather far-fetched, given that most adult children have difficulty navigating conversations about advanced health care directives and living wills or even driving.
Is that a conversation you've had? Plan to have? Or could even imagine?
Image by Flickr user mackenzienicole, used under a Creative Commons license.
Interesting. My father is 59 with Young Onset AZ. He doesn't even know how to have sex or what to do any more. He is still at home with my mother and I as caregivers. It has been devastating to my mother as they have been together since they were 16 and sex of course was a big part of their lives. I would be interested to hear if these spouses that think it is ok to still have sex with someone with AZ believes that their spouse still knows what is going on and what is happening to them if they have to be in a facility. I would beg to argue that it would classifies as not consensual hence if someone has a certain state of AZ or Dementia, hence why caregivers or employees of these facilities have issues with it. Skilled care facilities are legally obligated to monitor those under their care at all times. The fear of something happening while behind close doors and being held liable is obviously what is the main concern, not necessarily being unwilling to acknowledge senior sex. This short article did not take all these issues into full consideration, but still, good to bring this up.
FYI - ?Ethics Committee
It's easy to talk about the value of sex between married couples, but what about the situation in an old age home when either or both the Home residents who form a sexual relationship have Alzheimer's / Dementia ? Often their behaviour is inappropriately public and one can encourage their use of private places but I have seen an elderly lady getting very sexually involved with the kind of man who according to the family, she would never dream of getting involved with in more mentally aware days. Do we step in and protect her dignity on her behalf or do we take an "as long as she's happy it's ok " attitude ? This is a dilemma .
My parents always had a very active sex life - kind of like every-night-Josephine. We were never allowed to go into their bedroom without first knocking and waiting for a reply. Getting into bed with them as kids was never allowed. They were active until they were about 83, when Mom had a vaginal prolapse. Their Dr. refused to do an A/P repair on Mom, and the alternative (pessary) did not work for them. That was the starting point of their decline mentally. They stayed in their Queen bed until Mom starting falling out of bed last November - just after she was diagnosed with a mesenteric tumor (very rare, and was fatal for her). Having to take the Queen bed away from them was awful! In all their married years, nearly 62 years, they had never had twin beds, except once or twice on vacation. Mom passed last January at 90 years old. We thought Dad would go soon after, but he is actually doing better - not having to worry so much about Mom. He is still in a twin bed, and we have no plans to purchase him a big one again. He is quite popular at the social things in the Assisted Living facility he is in. The ladies flirt with him shamelessly, which is fun to watch. I doubt very much that he will become sexually active again, as he needed Viagra for help for a few years prior to Mom's prolapse. I would support him becoming active again, should he wish to, as I know how important that intimate relationship was to me (prior to my husband's death), and I know that I am really missing that part of my life.
I wondered about this until I read about a man, President of a college in fact, quit a few years before he would have been the recipient of national acclaim. He was in his field just about to peak. His wife needed full time care do to Alzheimer's. The college offered to pay for full time care at home or a nursing home. He refused & resigned. He cared for with the help of two private nurses. He never stopped having sex with her. His attitude was that sex was one of the things she still remembered about their relationship . He stayed faithfully by her until she passed away. Friends that commented about what a sacrifice he made were met with a bewildered look and the response, I loved her for 30 years. Why would I stop simply because she is ill? It's difficult but when she smiles, it makes everything wonderful. And yes, I cried.
I also agree that if a couple need to both go into a nursing home they should have the right to a double bad so they can cuddle up together. Sex between consenting people should never be denied to anyone, unless there are reasons why this shouldn't happen of course! Sex does us all good and helps us feel good too, let it go ahead!
Being sexually active keeps you young. Go for it.
Oh and it doesnt matter where they live. What matters is everyone has a right to be happy and feel good about themselves. Young, in the middle, or old. No one should ever be ashamed of sex or intimacy. It is what made us.
My mother is a baby boomer & has always spoken frankly about sex. She never hid anything when it came to the relationship of sex & being alive. What hinders the discussion is that it IS an intimate act. To get past this we must understand that we all have at one time committed the act. Whether it was with ourselves or with another. Then we must decide on what part of the act we wish to talk about. Also the use of words is very important. Some words may be offensive where as others are not. Being open to talking about yourself helps a great deal as well. In any case sex is something every living thing does. From the time we hit puberty to the time we pass away. Whether its first, second, or third base it is on our minds. We just have to understand that it is a topic that must be discussed, start off slow, and that everyone had done IT at some point in life. PLEASE remember no matter how old you are it’s a part of being human. We can‘t just shut the feelings off and they don’t depreciate with age. It is the act that is played out that changes. The feelings and needs will always be with us. We feel most alive when we can share ourselves with that special someone. I hope this has helped anyone who needed a boost in finding the right way to start the conversation or understanding why we need to talk about what makes us intimately happy. Remember the movie "The Note Book"?
Just because seniors have to move to an assisted living facility doesn't mean they should have to be separated at night (separate beds); cuddling is somethimes all the intimacy they need. Do they young attendents worry about what people think when they are with their special friend (hugging, kissing in public) don't think so. Maybe it is time they realize that old folks have a life also. Our granddaughter (18) stated ((I don't even want to imagine you and Pap and sex at the same time) Funny!!!!!!
You are right on with religion causing a problem with sex education and understanding of sexuality at all ages.
It would seem to me that if parents have managed to manage their sex life for 70 years that they probably know more about it than children, social workers and caregivers. It would seem to me that there are alot more things that these well meaning folks could do rather than tend to someone's personal business. Seems to me that these children of the parents should be worried about who their children are sleeping around with...... Tell ya what...buy the parents a trundle bed for their room for Christmas.
I think we have a lot of lack of sex education information in the United States.I would think it is caused by religion.
What about intimacy between the Alzheimer spouse and her husband who now lives alone? Actual intercourse is now out of the question, but 'cudling' and lying close together is possible, though attendants in the Alzheimer unit seem disturbed and surprised to find us together...... It does seem to help her mood, and it certainly helps mine though it can be frustrating... Any thoughts??????
Our parents didn't discuss their intimate lives with us in the past, in fact in our generation (the so-called "boomers"), many of them didn't discuss sex in any form. What makes anybody think they would want to discuss it with us now? I suggest that these gerontologists stop passing the buck & THEY discuss it with our parents! If you listen & do all the things suggested by them, the social workers & physicians--all of the caregivers, you'd be busy 24/7...