Would you? Could you? Should you? Long-term caregiving situations sometimes cause spouses to stray into extramarital relationships, reports Next Avenue. Known as "well-spouse affairs," they're said to be more prevalent than many people might imagine, even among devoted mates.
“This is a very special set of circumstances,” says New York City psychotherapist Michael Batshaw. “People who would never have an affair might have one in this situation because what often pulls people back from the affair is the hope that things will change. But this is a situation where your needs are not going to get met. Period."
How many caregivers do this? Nobody tracks such numbers. As Next Avenue says, "who’s going to fess up [to a pollster] to pulling a John Edwards or a Newt Gingrich, tumbling in the sheets with someone else while his or her spouse is seriously ill or dying?" Lawrence Bocchiere III, president of the Well Spouse Association, estimates that about 5 to 6 percent of its members are involved in extramarital relationships.
The situation especially comes up in dementia caregiving, when a couple's sex life often changes and the disease can progress for many years. Many caregivers never stray, no matter what, of course.
But for other caregiving spouses, the Next Avenue story notes, the relationships are a way to cope with extreme stress. Others are lonely after intensive caregiving to a mate who is mentally or physically impaired. Some relationships sustain the well-spouse so that he or she can continue to care for a partner without feeling like a martyr, one expert says. These affairs aren't always about sex; some well-spouses crave companionship and emotional connection.
Some partners even discuss the desire for an outside relationship with the sick spouse, when the couple has that level of communication and understanding.
Others believe that "in sickness and in health" allows no exceptions.
Should you? Could you? Would you?
Image by Flickr user Lel4nd, used under a Creative Commons license.
While I can't say that I condone an extramarital affair, I can say I understand it. My husband suffered an anoxic brain injury 2 years ago, and is full cares, does not know me or our 2.5 year old and 3.5 year old kids... I still care for him, as in take care of him... but I do not feel like his wife, just his care giver.. I'm only 29, neither of us asked for this, and it hurts so much...some days I want to just have someone hold me...tell me that life will be ok.... and things will work out... but with no end or resolution or recovery in sight... this is my life... not a pretty one...
How do I meet someone who lonely due to a sick wife. I have a sick husband and would like to meet some one in Orange County Ca.
HELLO I AM THE DAUGHTER, MY MOTHER HAS DEMENTIA MY DAD IS THE CAREGIVER BUT ALSO PAYS AND OLDER LADY TO HELP CARE FOR HER AT NIGHT. MY PARENTS HAVE BEEN MARRIED 62 YEARS AND I SEE MY DAD LIKE HE WANTS THIS WOMEN TO BE AROUND MORE OFTEN AND IT JUST BREAKS MY HEART CAUSE WE ARE A HAPPY FAMILY AND HAS ALWAYS STUCK TOGETHER I GO OVER EVERYDAY AFTER WORK AND WEEKENDS TO HELP I JUST DONT THINK ITS RIGHT MY MOM CANT SPEAK TO WELL NOR KNOWS WHAT IS GOING ON AT TIMES BUT I FEEL AT TIMES SHE DOES I DONT EVEN KNOW IF SHE HAS SEEN OR HEARD ANY THING SINCE MY DAD AND THAT LADY ARE THERE AT NIGHT I WANT TO TELL MY DAD WHAT I HAVE PICKED UP ON BUT I AM AFRAID OF CAUSING A FAMILY FUED SO I FEEL DEPRESSED THIS LADY MAKES COMMENTS TO THE FAMILY THAT MY DAD WANTS HER THERE MORE TIME MY DAD IS IN THE RESTROOM TAKING A SHOWER IN MY MOTHERS BEDROOM AND SHE WILL KNOCK ON THE DOOR THAT SHE NEEDS A TOWEL OR SOMETHING AND MY DAD TELLS HER TO GO IN THAT JUST PISSES ME OF SHE DID THIS IN FRONT OF ME SO I FEEL SHE IS TO CONFORTABLE AND THAT IS DISRESPECTFUL TO ME AND MY MOTHER I CAN GO ON WITH OTHER THINGS BUT PLS TELL ME WHAT YOU ALL THINK I SHOULD DO. I LOVE MY PARENTS TO DEATH!
It is hard isn't it wellspouse. Now you have 3 people hurting. How many years did you so this?
Tamio: Yes
Wellspouse you say you went outside the marriage. Did you Love the other person?
<<<Tamio>>> Here's a hug. It takes all kinds of spousal caregivers to keep the home fires burning for their ill spouses. Some don't ever think of going outside the marriage; many are wracked by guilt over that thought, and some like you do and I did, go outside the marriage. In every case I reckon that the main concern for the caregiver is still the welfare and care of their ill partner... Long-term spousal caregivers long ago made that commitment. More power to you. Check out the Well Spouse@ Association, http://wellspouse.org
I have been in an affair. It kept me sain. To have someone to tell my feelings to and a hug when I need it. Friends would not understand. I could not turn to them. My husband is not the man that I married. Both physically and mentally he has changed. I stay cause I do not know what he would do if I left. I don't love him the way a wife should love a husband and I can not help the way I feel. I am 43 years old and I don't want my life to be over. But it seems that way.
Dear Ms. Scott, very interested in your article since it relates completely to my book which will be published POD through Createspace. The title of the book is THE CAREGIVER WHO STRAYED. It is fiction. I was a dedicated caregiver for my wife who passed away from complications of Alzheimer's. Obv iously, a part of me and her is in the book. It took me ten years to finally finish it after many false starts and rewrites. Keep up the good work, Eli Freedman, elifreepa@aol.com
Well, last night I had my first 'outing' alone with a man. It's been 2 years, 9 months, and 19 days (I could do hours and minutes, but I won't bore you), since my husband passed away. I am glad that I waited as long as I did. Each of us has our own 'right' time to be interested in someone else, as this blog clearly shows. While my 'outing' was a casual dinner, we both enjoyed ourselves and hopefully this will be the start of a friendship, as without friendship, a relationship won't work. I wish all of you well on your journeys to find happiness. Be well.
Dear eca: I am right where you are with my husband. I too am in counseling for the grief that I am going through. My husband is no longer verbal but I can see in his eyes some recognition (not always though). I feel that you are doing the right thing by not getting involved with anyone else right now. Both of us have so many feelings to process through. They call this the "long goodbye" for a reason. I have no desire to get involved with anyone at all, so that part of this is easier for me. I do think that a person going through what we are should not get involved with someone else so long as our loved one is still living and as for me, I am going to wait at least two years after he has departed to even think about it. The grieving process is a long one and as for me, I think it would be unfair to someone else to get involved before I have gone through the entire process of grief and I am able to give myself fully to someone else, if that ever happens. May the good Lord shower you with blessings.
Reading through the responses just shows how differently this desease affects us all. We all as, both families and individuals have different sets of circumstances. For me I found that emotionally a friend has helped, she listens to my fears, my sense of loss, my struggle to cope without my wife of 37 years who is now in full time care. My friend would like more from our "relationship", I am not ready - my love for my wife is as strong as it has ever been and to be honest the thought of an intimate relationship with someone else I find a bit scarey. Having said that if I did go that extra step, it would never take the love away I have for my wife, nor my respect for her, nor would it erase all the beautiful memories that I have of her. During a conversation dith my wife recently during one of her lucid moments she said "I bet your lonely", she suggested I have a young lady friend, I laughed and said I don't want a young lady friend, she laughed and said ok an old lady friend then. It was a magical moment where she could see where we were at and typical of her and one of the many reasons I love her so much. I am 60 now Slowly I am trying to enjoy a few things again, with the aid of councelling I am trying to do that without feeling guilty and trying to rebuild my confidence. The road is difficult enough so be kind to one and other, no matter what your views.
This is a sensitive subject and one I feel some are uncomfortable with. So it is not surprising that some of the comments appear judgemental in content. My own personal viewpoint on this or any issue is to keep on open mind. The challenges faced by people on this difficult journey are not easy, and not knowing the history and life circumstances of others makes me pause. My heart goes out to anyone experinencing the daily struggles and deep loneliness loss of a partner can bring.
tinribs andGeneG - so sorry to see you leave. This is a sensitive subject, and there are many different ways to look at it or 'justify' your own decisions. We'll miss you. For me it has been nice to see all the different perspectives, even though I never considered anything like this while caring for my husband. In fact, he's been gone almost 3 years now, and tonight I am meeting a man for a 'bite after work' to get to know him better. I am nervous - haven't dated in over 14 years, and then it was only my husband that I dated.
I am with tinribs - I've had it with this thread so I am unsubscribing.
I guess what it comes down to is if you can't, don't. If you can and you feel that it will help you in your individual situation then do it. I know that it will help my situation. Good luck to each of you in your individual journeys.
To Tinribs, Sorry or the misunderstanding. I did address the last comment to Annoymous, and it in him/her post that I referred to the last sentence and the last part of that sentence: Annoymous wrote (last sentence) "Besides the guilt that may occur (though I am not judging anybody else who may feel compelled to have an affair) it would hurt me to hurt the one I love most." This is what I agreed with. "It would hurt me to hurt the one I love most."
I think I've had it with this. Take me off your list. Thanks.
To AnnRomick, You said what you liked best was but who/what were you referring to? Communication is important, but you did not say who - . . . were we supposed to guess? Cmmunication is important in every day life and in business, guess work causes problems and frustration Miss.
Annoymous, yes there were many good comments, but what I liked best about your post was the last sentence, and the last part of that sentence. That's the well-put part. I totally agree. I could never hurt the one I have loved most in all the world even if he never knew. We have always had complete trust in one another.
So many have said the same thing, anonymous,
To Annoymous: Well put.
This is certainly no easy situation to deal with, especially caring for someone you have loved for years. There was a rough patch in my husband's and my marriage, which fortunately, has passed and we are very close. The only thing lacking is sex, which once was great. I cannot feel comfortable having an affair even if it were beckoning to me, as I remember the many good years we have had, nothing to me that should be "thrown away". Besides the guilt that may occur (though I am not judging any body else who may feel compelled to have an affair), it would hurt me to hurt the one I love most.
Hi All, If you're interested in joining the conversation that was moved to the online support group platform by "tired guy," you can find the conversation here: http://www.caring.com/support-groups/caring-for-a-spouse/3de9418b (please copy and paste the URL to your web browser). You may also start your own conversation here: http://www.caring.com/support-groups/caring-for-a-spouse
Hi "Felicity1," The comment section is not closed. However, if you would like to carry on a conversation in a support group setting, which is designed for continuous dialogue and multiple conversations, you can join our Online Support Groups here: www.caring.com/support-groups (copy and paste the URL into your browser) Don't hesitate to contact our team if we may help you find additional resources. Kind regards, Sho of the Caring.com Community Team
This blog has really made think deeply about this important subject. I am not sure if the last comment where 2 bloggers were referred to another site means the comment section is closed. Please advise.
Hello "TiredGuy" "EGLord", and others, Thanks for all the great comments on this topic! The "Caring for a Spouse" online support group is another place on Caring.com where you can have discussions like this one: http://www.caring.com/support-groups/caring-for-a-spouse (you can copy and paste the URL). The support group platform is more robust than the blog comments section, and you can also start new groups if you don't see one that fits your specific needs or interests: http://www.caring.com/support-groups Please don't hesitate to reach out if you have any questions (via blue Feedback tab on right margin of this page, or the Contact us link at bottom of the page). Thanks!
My situation is a bit different than most others on this thread. My wife has had ms for over 22 years. I found this site and asked a question of the experts and started receiving various emails regarding my question. I responded to the question "Are well=spouse affairs different than others" and I ended up here. My wife does not have dementia, she is totally disabled with ms. Now, a little more information about my situation. After 8 years of marriage I realized that I wanted a divorce. I stayed for my kids. I planned to divorce my wife after the kids were adults. But my plan changed, because she came down with ms. I raised 5 kids and have been taking care of a woman that I do not love for over 22 years of a 33 years marriage. Our adult children will have nothing to do with their mother. I won't go into what living with her befor the ms, or after the ms has been like. But with all of our children refusing to have a relationship with her you can imagine for yourself what it's been like. My children have suggested that I divorce my wife and just move on with my life. Well i'm not wealthy and I cannot afford to place her in a care facility and I will not abandon her. So that's why I came to this site. To try to get some advise. My kids are worried about my health. I have to agree with them that my marriage is starting to effect my health. My kids have suggested that I go online and join a hook up site. Well I did, but the only women that showed any interest turned out to be prostitutes. So there you have it. I am just plain tired of my life as it is. I am looking for a companion/affair. The problem with this is that it's all new to me and I am just learning how to go about it. I hope each of you that have to deal with loved ones with dementia find what you need to cope. That's what i'm trying to do.
I can understand wanting to reach out for another to replace the loving, physical relationship you have lost. This is not for me, however. I know that no one could ever replace the love my husband and I have and had for one another. Instead of reaching out for what for me would be a meaningless affair, I have reached up and strengthened my relationship with God. I hope this doesn't sound trite, it may to some, but I have grown stronger in my faith and in myself because of it. I will never abandon my husband and to reach out for the arms of another would be abandoning him, even if it is just for a moment. Plus, as I said before, how much of myself can I give another person at this point? Just my physical body? This is just not for me. Although, as I said, I understand the pain and loneliness that the well spouse feels because I am one. Blessings to all of you.
If the writer who "needed to be touched" had a one-night stand or five, would she be more unfaithful than the spouse who runs to the phone, dreams about her friend, confides in him, holds his hand with longing? I say no. Gosh, we are so into taboo. Give me the spouse who stays emotionally intimate with me and gets elsewhere the physical affection that I cannot provide.
I could and I did. My heart was broken, not only by the approaching death and drop-by-drop slow decline but by the complete desertion of friends and family. We had kids that I still had to account for. If I could have, I would have died with him. I almost would have preferred that to facing the pain of living without him. So I found someone who gave me sexual release, emotional support and short vacations from the hell of watching my beloved father of my children slowly die before my eyes. I never ever would have thought it was something I would have done, but I knew I had to, or perish. I never pretended to be a saint, never wanted to be a martyr and certainly never wanted his death. Did making love to a lover for a minute make me forget my husband, his suffering and his coming death? Not for a minute. Did it help me survive, and sustain me so I could care for him and my children in his last days? Yes, it did. Was it pretty, no it was not. Ultimately we have to choose the living. We just do.
My partner taught me that jealousy or possessiveness is about her, not love for me. I have always been free to pursue an outside relationship--as long as there is honesty. I never have. It feels great to be loved so much that she wants me to learn what I need to learn. When the time comes and I need more than she can give, she will encourage me to find an emotional partner, a sexual partner, whatever I need. I can't know, but I doubt I will take her up on it. I know she loves me unconditionally, and that will probably be enough. Others may argue that an outside relationship would damage commitment. Then those folks should refrain. With honesty, mine is strengthened. After years of her example, I have left my jealousy behind, and she has never taken a lover.
No, I would never do this. I would never judge someone else about it, but I think that entering into a relationship with someone else while my dear husband suffers in a nursing home is not for me, and well, must plain wrong. I understand the loneliness that a person feels, believe me. I have gone through 18 years of such loneliness, particularly the past 8 since my husband has really slipped into dementia. But as I have told others, I really did take my marriage vows seriously. Also, at this point I don't know that I will ever be able to be in a realtionship with another man. I love my husband too much to think about it right now. I realize that he cannot give me the relationship that I want to have with him, but that is an adjustment that I just have had to make, not just for his sake, but for my own. I don't mean to sound so much noble, as self protective. I know that I would feel HORRIBLE if I was in a relationship with someone else. I also know that I could not possibly give another person all of me. I still belong to someone else--my dear husband.
Did they not make a comittment for better or worse? Their are plenty of alternatives for companionship that don't involve sex. Have we come to that? Where we define the quality of life by whether we are able to have sex with our spouse??? Real intimacy is not sex but rather makes sex more enjoyable. I say keep your pants on and keep your self-respect.
Hi. I had guillian Barre syndrom in 2007, following a severe stroke. Three months earlier, I was diagnosed with early on-set Alzheimer s. My well spouse had affairs. And still does. Fifteen year of lies, now I look forward to losing some memories, the ones of us. Then I will stop hurting Just saying, Wendy
Tiredguy, go online and check out -- http://www.meetup.com/find/ -- and follow the steps. This is a national meet up method to find groups of similar interests and ages in your area that you could check out and join. Anything and everything is there for you, including single senior groups looking for all kinds of activities, including to meet other singles, someone to dine with, play cards with, support groups of all kinds....check it out. Hope this helps.
EGLord, I would be willing to participate in a discussion group with other spouses that are in a similar situation as I am. At least we would have a measure of understanding of what the other people in the group were or have been going through.
For the man who said "He didn't know how to start a relationship". You advertise in 'big city' paper and state something like this:- "Married 40 (or whatever) years, and am demented wife's caregiver. She is unaware of who I am., I am so lonely for companionship, conversation, dining out, movies and strolls, I would enjoy a lady friend. Write if you are interested in having a relationship under these circumstances. Thank you". Box # etc. There are many lonely ladies out there, and many lonely men. How is it the Beatles knew about this when in their early twenties thesong "All those lonely people, where do they all come from?" Don't hesitate, write in today . . . .and lots of luck.
@ Tiredguy ~ you have a point there and maybe this would be a wonderful discussion to open up. I think it would be good to have spouses who are serious about establishing a new relationship form a special group. That way they would all have at least one thing in common. What do you think? Dr. Ethelle Lord Pioneers in Alzheimer's Coaching
I am the well-spouse and the caregiver and have been for over 22 years. I would love to have an affair. I just don't know how to go about it.
I forgot to say "Of course the well-spouse affair is different from the care-givers affair", one is guilt ridden and the other is for self preservation and would be acceptable by the "old testament" teachings.
R/lavine - I really like your comment, and I agree that g-d and Moses would not mind if the caregiver spouse had a relationship, especially if the ill spouse is demented and probably does not know who YOU are anyway. To have a companion, someone to whom you are looking forward to meeting to go to the movies, out to dinner, or even to dance on Hilton's dance floor, just to have someone, the same person, to meet at regular intervals, to talk and to laugh with, is so important to the caregiver's health, which of course helps to care more evenly. Looking forward to time out together alters your whole attitude to everything in your (caregiver's life), I know I've been there.
Thank you for your common sense, non judgemental comments. If no one is being hurt by the relationship, I can see only positive benifits towards the ill spouse. It is difficult to keep giving when you nothing left to give. We are, after all just human beings with need for support and companionship, especially during stressful times. My husband was ill for several years before passing, and it was not always easy to find time for myself. I found myself slowly withdrawing from social circles and my energy was alway focused on my ill spouse. Others may have thought I was a saint, but believe me I had lots of feelings of anger, resentment, and guilt and loneliness. Not very healthy when you are the caregiver and you want to positively support someone who is chronically ill. Even though I did the best I could, many times I did not have the emotional resources to give back, I was so depleted by the caretaking involved. My husband has been gone 16 mos and continue to put the pieces back together without someone new. Even though I have never been involved in a relationship outside of my marriage, I I don't feel this is a black and white issue in these relationships.. Having companionship, whether through friendship, or intimacy should be a choice for "grownups". From my own experience I think this situation should be looked at with a broader view of circumstances.
Been faithful for 44 years and a caregiver for over 6 years. While as many of you have pointed out it is not just about sex, but intimacy is a major part that I miss very much. In reality I would very much like to have a very loving relationship with a woman, but I do not think I could do it while married to my wife. I plan on fulfilling my commitment, but I have a much less callous view of those who are not able to remain faithful. It is so very difficult to love someone that can be such a burden and does not return any love. I have been fortunate to see my father become sole caregiver to my mother for many years as she suffered with dementia. Never saw him falter; and another friend who’s wife suffered with MS for almost 20 years and he was always there for her. I think about the parents with children with special needs and their loyalty and I guess I do not have it so rough after all; I am going through this at the tail end of life, and I had a great beginning. :)
I personally haven't had the opportunity to experience caring for my spouse, simply because my spouse choose to diviorce me back in 1991. Since then I have encountered caring for two grand parents who had strokes and was paralized on one side or another. We all lived in the same household, and they both had nurses aides visiting along with physical theraphy care. I was there 24 hours and worked outside with the children during school hours. In 2004, while transporting school children and patients to medical facilities, I couldn't hold my water, I keep urinating on myself. Finally after visiting a clinic, I was diagnoised as a diabetic, this lead to heart problems, then surgery, 2011 a defiborator was placed in my heart to prevent me from having a heart attach.. Other health issues occuring now, alzheimers, liver issues, and bone marrow problems. I don't have any one to care for me, other then the health team, who checks on me from time t6o time. I pray alot and leave my worries in Gods hand. God bless you all!!!
All comments have been very interesting to me. I was honored to have been able to be there for my husband when he needed me. He was a good man, husband, father, grandfather and provider, and after his years of faithfulness, and even his unselfish care of me when I was bedridden, requiring him not only to care for me, but to care for our preschoolers while working and flying in the US Navy, What a privilege it was to love him through his illness. Reading all the previous comments, reminded me of to notes he wrote to me before he lost the ability to read and write. I found those notes a year after his death. I had forgotten them. He wrote to me how much he loved me and appreciate my being there to help him. He also released me of my commitment to him and said he would understand if I would like to divorce and find myself a new and more worthy husband. He also many times prior to his death thanked me for always taking such good care of him. That was reward enough for me. With God's help, I was able to have the strength and patience to be with my husband until the end. And I am glad I did.
My Dad passed away last year after a long illness. My Mother deteriorated tremendously for the last 5 years of his life and she practially refused to leave his side his finalt 18 months, which included 12 hospitalizations, and several times in rehab. My Mom was so depressed and socially withdrawl after his death (despite our attempts to keep her circulating, socializing, taking care of HERSELF, etc) that it did permanent damage to her brain (she would not take her blood pressure meds or go to visit the doctor). She developed vascular dementia which has robbed her of her memory, her ability to drive, and of her personal safety. However, she is now dating two wonderful men who were in love with her when she was in her late teens; she has come to life and is happier than she has been in the past 50 years. If she had had an "affair" during those last 5 years instead of so loyally watching over my Dad (who had full time care) it may have motivated her to take better care of herself and prevented some of her mental and physical deterioration. Morally should could not have done that, but after reading this article, I think that I would have understood and accept it if she did it discreetly without hurting my Dad's feelings. He never wanted her to suffer, either, and I think he would have been devastated in realizing that her social withdrawal for his sake harmed her in any way.
Yes, it happens. Not for many, because of reasons cited above -- fatigue, guilt, sticking to their vows no matter what, etc. The first, and main concern must be the care of the ill spouse. If by having an "outside relationship" the spousal caregiver is helped emotionally to keep the good caregiving going for their ill spouse, then I say, go for it.
A very valid point from the anonymous poster. If an affair has the potential to hurt anyone, it is not justified
I was the ill spouse. Ill but not at all mentally or physically incapacitated. I was wounded grievously by my wife's infidelity. She blamed it on my illness but it was unnecessary, horribly painful & unjustified. I was not present only in body. In fact my body & mind still work quite well. No it does not make it less painful to blame an affair on the spouse's illness. Having said that, seems to me that someone with a spouse that is here only in that their body lives but they, as a person are gone has rendered the well spouse a widow and they should be accorded all they rights & respect of a widow. It does seem callous & unloving though if they then fail to care for their ill spouse, thus fulfilling, "Til Death Do Us Part."
I care for my older husband who has Lewy Body dementia. I need some fun, I need to be touched. I can't take care of him and our chld if I am totally burned out. As long as I am discreet, I feel that it is acceptable to have what they call a "well spouse" affair. I know many won't agree, but that's the way I feel about it. Carpe diem, I say.
You are so right gorilla gaurd, planning is an art. It takes about 2 hours to get ready, as you say, and as soon as we get there he wants to leave. And I have to plan around his need to go to the bathroom because that won't wait. I used to think our activities would be limited only by my imagination but I was wrong. As for the idea of an affair, on thinking about it, I can't see any appeal at all. A friendship, yes, but after all the care I have to do for my husband the idea of physical intimacy is not appealing.
ash, your comment about planning makes plenty of sense. Planning, I've found takes up almost as much time as certain activities for which we plan. We could have a separate discussion just about planning. For example, if my wife and I go out for dinner, I begin planning about two hour before we actually leave the house. There is an attire ensemble to be selected, security too be checked, are the pets OK, does the hair get washed, etc.
When I was a young registered nurse in UK, I went to get insurance, (for a trip to Greece with a girlfriend). The insurance agent was a good friend of my father's and I trusted his advice. When I returned from the trip I had to see the agent as I'd had some things stolen in the hotel. It was then that the agent, who was a well educated, goodlooking man, about 25 years my senior, explained that his wife was bedridden, and terminally ill. How he missed having a companion to wine/dine and go out generally, and would I be interested in being his companion. Well, I was shocked! Here I was, a "good girl" so what made him think I'd be his mistress when I was an eligible young woman, my morals were still "goody-goody". I was polite and told him I was still "brand new" and available for marriage to someone more my own age. I didn't tell my father because he and the agent were quite good friends, and anyway what good would that have done? But now that I'm older and more understanding of life and all its happenings, I can understand where he was coming from. I think it is better for the spouse to have a nice relationship (sexual too) than divorce a terminally sick spouse. So, I've matured in my thinking. But I still think the agent picked the wrong gal suggesting that I might be the one to help him out.
My husband had a devastating stroke 4 years ago. He is incontinent, almost completely helpless, there is some cognitive damage and he has no stamina, so even going to a restaurant is a trial. I spend my days feeding him then changing diapers. I have wondered what it would be like to go out for dinner with a man I don't have to feed. And to have a real conversation. But where would I meet this man and how would I find the time? Seems very unlikely. The planning required to make it possible would also make it feel dishonorable, if that makes any sense.
Such good advice. Exhaustion pretty eliminatesany additional needs I might have, and I was pleased to see so many acknowledge their marriage vows, not taking them lightly. A while back Rev. Pat Robertson advised a caregiving husband to divorce his wife, while not forsaking her, so he could openly be with a woman with whom he was already having an affair. Both Pat and the husband received a lot of flack about this. However, it's not for any to judge anothers need or decisions. I commend the Rev. for reminding the husband that his first responsibility was still his first wife, her well being and care. (After all the husband had already left the marriage.) AD and other dementias are the great thieves is our lives, and we get through this trial as best we can as individuals. Hopefully, we will all remember who, other than ourselves, is the most important person to be considered, and never neglect him or her and the promises made.
I was married for 30 years when I divorced my husband. I discovered his affair, and altho' I tried to forgive and get on with my life I felt devastated. He never really regretted his wanderings, after all he was a medical doctor! I had helped him through two residences and he was a marvellous medical man, but I had sacrificed my advancement for his, so I was resentful. I moved on, went to the opposite coast of US and at 62 started a new life. My adult children were successful, happy and wouldn't want me hanging over them. I met an adorable man, my age and I fell in love. He had been divorced twice, due to being a work-aholic. He worked from 6 am to 9 or more, because at both ends of the day no one was there to pester and he could get on to developing the most incredible things . . . I was always attracted to brilliant men, (mainly for breeding purposes, I didn't want stupid offspring, takes a lot of time and money to raise a child well), but anyway I was passed breeding. I was raised to think that you NEVER strayed from the one you were married to, no matter what the difficulties were. I had maintained my figure and my looks and I had worked two evenings a week in the local hospital's ER, I was a registered nurse. This new b/f had similar morals and tastes as I had, and I really fell hard. But I had to think of myself, I did not like dinner at 10pm and I certainly did not like breakfast at 5.30am, so I up and left the country. I went to Mx and started a B&B. He visits me here for two weeks each month, and he returns to his job and works two weeks. I would love him to be with me the whole time, but he needs to work, not for the money but for his 'essence' his purpose in life. I go out with groups, and I paint, and write, have dinner parties, I love to cook. So I'm busy. My book came out last year "Through Her Eyes- An Infidel's Perspective" - Amazon; look for it but don't forget the whole title as there are several just "Through Her Eyes".
A subject I guess that will polorise opinion. I have been married to my wife Dee for 37 years, I have never strayed, she has been and still is the love of my life. She is 58 and just over 6 months ago went into full time care because of severe hallucinations paranoia and aggression associated with her moderate stage Alzheimer's. I have been her sole carer for a number of years and like most carers have suffered tiredness, fatigue, loss of confidence (we dont get out enough) financial stress, loss of a social life, you all know how it goes. Recently I have been having lunch and coffee with another lady, she knows about Dee and we talk about her alot and my situation. I have been to the movies with her, lunch at her house and been out to dinner a couple of times. This week I stayed overnight so that we could go out early monrning and take some photos. I took a sleeping bag and stayed in the spare room. She told me this week she has feelings for me and that would like it if our relationship would at some stage turn romantic. I like this woman I am comfortable with her and can talk easily with her, she makes me laugh and she cares. I have told her that I am still very much in love with my wife, but I know that Dee will never come home, the doctors have told me as much. I go and see her every day, on good days I take her out for walks or even a coffee. I am currently having councelling, because the loss of my wife, our intimacy, conversation all the things we used to do and share together are no longer there. It leaves a huge emotional void. For me I as I have said I love my wife as much as I have always done and there isn't a day that I dont have a tear in my eye about OUR loss. On the other side I am 60 I don't want to spend the rest of my life on my own, I both want and need someone to share the real stuff with. At the moment my relationship with the other woman is as a friend and she has said she won't pressure me into anything, but I have also told her that nothing romantic will happen until my head and heart are in the right place, and then only if she is the right one. I have also told the other woman that Dee will always be part of my life, I will visit and make sure I have time with her and make sure her care is as good as it can be. I need companionship but my heart is with Dee which makes a future romantic involvement more difficult.
I send big 'bear' hugs to all who like me are going through this dreadful ride of their and loved lives.
No, "Well-Spouse Affairs' are not different from others. Temptation to stray for both my husband and me has always been there, long before his triple by-pass surgery and fifteen years later aortic valve replacement surgery, 3 months later an accident and four years later Eary Stage Dementia-Alzheimer's. I have no interest in seeking whatever the emotion may be called. I am fully engaged with studying the disease and his full time care and I never forget he was/is the jealous type. I have only to look in his eyes and know straying has never been nor will ever be worth what I could not recapture.
The Alzheimer's Association advises the spouses to develop another intimate relationship because at the end, the person living with Alzheimer's is not capable of being intimate. My personal experience was not so positive. First, it takes a lot of time and energy to develop a good relationship. I do not have either when all of my attention needs to be on my husband at a time like this. I was surprised the Alzheimer's Association recommended such a choice because most people cannot just find that time and energy, let alone work through the daily grieving for the existing relationship. Another thing I have discovered is that a person living with Alzheimer's is teaching all of us how to live in the present. In the present my husband really needs me to be his advocate and watch over him. Dr. Ethelle Lord Pioneers in Alzheimer's Coaching
Caring for my wife who is in the mid-stages of dementia requires my full attention. At the end of the day, I am weary and ready to turn in. Even tough I think I am able, an extra-marital sexual relationship would only complicate our already busy lives. My own moral compass would not allow it anyway. But I do miss innocent interaction with females. My wife is the jealous type and I must be very careful about my contact with other females. She does not mind certain ones, but others, for whatever reason, she thinks are trying to lure me to their beds.
As I reflect on what I have seen and heard, all I can say is for me...personally, I keep thinking of "for better, or worse; in sickness and in health; "til death us do part. " Each person has to come to terms with their true feelings. I try not to judge and keep hoping for the best outcome.
I have an acquaintance who has been partners for a number of years. She is single and he is married with a wife who has dementia. His wife is in a care facility and is attentive to his wife. I do not think that God or Moses would be troubled if people have relationships whether social or intimate. People are social and need a social life. This is helpful for care givers who with stress emotionally, physically, and financially. Relationships is not about sex but it maybe part of the relationship. Rather then worry about the sex -- enjoy friends, family, and another partner. Men need companionship as much as women. If people are condecending, dismissive, and judgmental -- find new friends or tell people "get over it."
I don't know if I would or not, since I've never been in that situation and probably never will be. But this article has made me think more kindly of my ex-lover. whose wife has been ill for many years now, with no hope of getting better, and who simply couldn't be faithful. I have tended to think bad of him and me. But we really shouldn't judge anyone. The on person we can pass judgment on is our own selves.
I also take care of my husband of 47yrs the last ten with AD... I do long for adult conversation, a dinner, a movie.. and not always with girlfriends.. on occasion I have been asked out or at least a remark would be dropped if I was interested, it all sounds tempting, but in reality, life is already complicated.. do I want to bring in a third person into my life.. sure wouldn't be fair to them, I can't leave for a vacation or go to the theater at the trop of the hat, besides they would have to take the back seat in my life.. So all things considered, no I would not seek an extra marital affair..too much trouble vs the benefit. Once again never say Never-
I did stay true to my vows, although we had only been married 15 months when he had his fronto-posterio-parietal stroke (broken logic, and left shoulder, arm, hand were partially impaired), along with occaisionaly urinary incontinence/PED. The thought did not cross my mind. When we were told 3 years after his stroke that he would have to have open heart surgery, I did fall into despair. One evening in prayer, I told Heavenly Father that I could no longer be his wife. He showed me a split second of how much despair would be in my life, should I choose to 'quit' the relationship. That split second was so devastatingly bad, the thought never crossed my mind again. My husband died about 3 weeks later, 5th day postop. He started having complications shortly after he initially woke up from the surgery - was never off the ventilator, so speech was not possible. It's been nearly 3 years since his passing. I just recently started thinking about dating, have tried going without my wedding rings for a few hours a day. It's difficult. I'm very happy that I was strong enough to stay true to him.
Taking care of my husband with dementia (FTD) and working full time at the same time, I was too tired to consider even the option of an extra-marital relationship. I did go out a couple times a month with female friends, when my kids were available to be with their father. I also held to the commitment I made over 40 years before, and was thankful I was available and able to care for my husband. He was at the stage of needing assistance with bathing and dressing, and could not carry on a real conversation when he suddenly died, so I never had to deal with a husband who had totally lost himself in the disease. I would like to think I would be true to my marriage vows, but I can not judge anyone who has walked deeper into the care giving of someone lost in dementia of any kind.