A New Definition of Love
By Paula Spencer Scott, Caring.com senior editor
When the person you love is dramatically altered -- by dementia, brain injury, or serious illness -- what then? For most couples, it becomes time for a "new definition of love," say ethicists, clergy, and medical experts in a Religion News Service (RNS) report, appearing in USA Today, The Washington Post, and elsewhere.
Most couples choose to live out the vow, "for better or for worse," these experts say. The struggle with brain-related changes is to find a satisfying way to live within an ever-changing "new normal."
This can be challenging. Take the new movie called "The Vow," which deals with a young married couple whose serious car accident left the wife unable to recognize her husband. Based on a true story, the plot centers on the husband trying to convince her that they're married.
With brain damage such as Alzheimer's disease, one of the toughest challenges is that a relationship is no longer equally reciprocal; it tends to increasingly resemble a one-way street. Questions about Alzheimer's, sexuality, and marriage can be especially fraught.
Some caregivers in dire situations choose different courses. Last month, the Washington Post Magazine ran a sensitive feature about a wife who looked after her husband after he'd suffered irreparable brain damage and cognitive changes following a heart attack at 45, requiring him to live in assisted living. She served as his devoted caregiver throughout the ordeal, and five years later, divorced him to remarry -- but only after making careful arrangements to continue to be an active care partner, along with her new husband.
"There's always an obligation, I think, to keep faith with your spouse but the shape that that can take, morally speaking, can vary," Darlene Fozard Weaver, an ethicist at Villanova University in Pennsylvania, told RNS writer Adelle M. Banks.
Some caregivers lean on faith, and memory, to see them through hard times. Others focus on a shifting sense of what love is and what it means to love. And none say it's easy.
Image by Rev Dan Catt used under a Creative Commons Attribution-Share Alike license.
The love of money can also cause someone to make unwise discession and cost them lose everything.
We have been married 49 yrs. and we got married right out of high school. My husband has been the love of my live and I could not ever dream of getting a divorce. My husband was always faithful and I ran the household. This has been a way of live for me for a long, long time. Because he was diagnoise with a mental disease back in the 70's. I alway felt bless because he had a good job and our two kids got college degrees and were "A" students. I worked outside the household up until 5 yrs. ago and now my husband needs me more than ever, but really doesn't know it. My background was admin. support and work in offices where there were lots of men but never cross my mind to stray. I was always close to my parents too.
Hugs Paula Spencer Scott
I have had MS for 20 years. For the first 7 I did not tell anyone as I feared my husband would leave while the kids were still young. In fact, he stayed and has become kinder and more supportive & considerate every year. At the time he said "I have had 20 happy years so how could I leave now". Bless him. We are happier now than ever.
Hugs tracy1022
@Redneck Angel - What a great bunch of easy, affordable ideas ! Another one is to take an old jar, can, or whatever and fill it with little hearts (cut out of any type of paper; magazine ads, newspapers, leftover gift wrapping, mailed envelopes, ca\lendars, etc). On the little hearts, "loving" words can be written. This works for individuals, classes, assisted care facilities (my Mother is in one), V-day gatherings, and on & on.
@Redneck Angel - excellent plans and motivational to others !
I am not in this situation but my thoughts and prayers will always go out to those who are in this terrible thing. I think if it were me I'd like to think I 'd be faithful, but I'm not really sure. Please forgive me if it sounds rather strange but I'd be probably looking to see if the 'grass is greener on the other side!'
I am one of those going through this right now, you can read about my journey by searching for " Living with Bob and Al". Valentines is a lonely day indeed...or it is what you make of it.
Hugs #
Valentine's Day--bah, humbug!?! My husband's been dead for over 20 years & at 41 y/o I was relatively young when he passed, so Valentines' Day has never been a favorite of mine. However I am the principal caregiver for my elderly Mom who I recently had to place in a assisted care facility plus I have two friends in nursing homes--all in different towns(but near-by, within 20 miles). We are all widows or divorced, for my sis-in-law it will be the 1st Valentines' since her husband (my deceased youngest brother) died. On Valentines' Day I plan to load up my sis-in-law & spend the day visiting them all taking what I consider an appriopiate "Valentine" for each: For Mom, I am giving her artifical flowers because she tends to try to keep real flowers until they look terrible & I've also bought 5 dozen heart shaped snack cakes to give to the staff on her unit to distribute to the residents & also to themselves as a treat that evening, for one of the friends that is a diabetic I will buy a Valentines bouquet at the groccery store --the cost there is very reasonable, and for the other I bought a heart-shaped box of candy for under $5--at WalMart. For my Sis & me; well on the way between friend's' homes we will be passing a little restaurant that is known for it's local "flavor" just about at lunch time, my treat! Things are what you make it...
Hugs Paula Spencer Scott, Haven Poe