My sister says I'll regret cutting off my father, but I think I've earned the right to protect myself.
My sister says I'll regret cutting off my father, but I think I've earned the right to protect myself.
My father, who's approaching 80, has gotten meaner and meaner over the years. As kids we were scared of him, and as young adults we just tolerated or avoided him. But now that I'm in my 40s, I'm no longer willing to put up with his abusive behavior. After he said some hurtful, insulting things to me and my children earlier this year -- part of a pattern of behavior he's shown for years -- I haven't spoken to him in nearly a year now.
My sister puts major guilt trips on me, saying he's old and I'll regret ceasing contact. I think I have the right to say "stop!" and "enough!" What are your thoughts?
Tender-hearted, sensitive people often end up absorbing other people's pain. And I assure you, your dad's behavior most likely comes from a place of pain. You may be the target for him -- he may bully you because he thinks he can or you remind him of someone else. His relationship with your sister might be very different than yours. Is it okay that your sister continues to see him and you don't? Absolutely. The two of you just have to learn how to respect each other's choices.
Choosing to walk away from your dad puts you in a position of power, and maybe you need to feel in control for a change. But it doesn't have to be forever. I hope you'll consider talking to a therapist or spiritual advisor, because cutting off your dad won't heal the hurt or keep you from re-creating it in another relationship. Life has a way of presenting us the same lessons over and over until we "get" it.
After some real time apart from him, you may eventually realize that what you need is to feel that you have some say-so in your relationship. You may even someday find that he no longer threatens you emotionally.
Although some people are just plain ornery, another thing to consider is whether your father has some neurological disease such as Alzheimer's that exacerbates his behavior -- and has for years.
That said, some relationships can't be saved. Sadly, some are toxic -- they can be unhealthy and even dangerous. After working it through, you may end up deciding that you're okay with letting your relationship with your dad go. Either way, though, nurture your relationship with your sister. Laugh together and just be sisters, apart from your conflict about your dad.
I broke off my relationship with my mother after 47 years of constant abuse by her. I have never felt better. I have healed and am happy for the first time in my life. She will never change but I am entitled to be happy, she chose by her personal choices to not be a part of it. I wish her no ill will but her issues are her own, I will not own them.
I broke off my relationship with my father about five years ago. He is in his mid 70's. Like your family, my siblings (and my mother) all grew up in fear of him and he never really stopped being abusive. Some elders do mellow and change but some do not. With some relationships there is really only one choice because you have to protect yourself. It can be sad and hard to stay away from an abusive parent but sometimes it is the only healthy answer. I remember reading a book about this very subject several years ago and the author, who herself had been an abused child, gave advice to adult children who have a bad relationship with an elderly parent in need. Her recommendation was that an adult child in this circumstance, do what was only absolutely necessary for the elderly parent and leave the rest to others who could take care of the elder more objectively. This way an adult child fulfills an obligation but is able to protect themselves and/or the elderly parent from an emotionally charged, possibly abusive situation.
I've had exactly the same experience, although my sister understood my need to cut things off with Dad. He was physically abusive to me as a child, and verbally abusive to me as an adult. I just couldn't take it anymore. I hung the phone on him during one of his insulting tirades, a didn't speak to him for a couple of years. That gave me time to heal. And it gave me back my power. I tried to talk to him about it once, and he dismissed me. So I gave up having a father/daughter relationship with him. After I forgave him for his behavior, I felt very much at peace. I recognized the problem was his; I wasn't the awful person he tried to make me believe I was. And his approval wasn't important. You have children, and can't afford to let him destroy them or your family.We all have a heavenly father who loves us more than even we can imagine. That's all any of us needs!