I'm your classic burned out caregiver and don't know how much longer I can do this.
I'm your classic burned out caregiver and don't know how much longer I can do this.
My mother-in-law has lived with us for 17 years; for almost a decade she's required 24/7 care. My husband promised her he'd never put her in a nursing home, and with the help of my husband and three teenage sons, I've been able to keep her at our home. (My brother- and sister-in-law don't help.) But I'm at the point where I cannot physically or mentally handle being her caregiver. I'm so tired and depressed.
Every time I talk to my husband about the issue, he gets angry. How do I help him soften to the idea of moving her to a nursing home?
Sadly, many families have the attitude that caregiving is primarily a "woman's job." It's going to be tough on you, and even on your marriage, but you're going to have to speak up, speak out, and stick to your guns to get yourself out of this situation.
You've unselfishly devoted yourself to your mother-in-law for years; it's time you started being appreciated. His family has gotten so used to you being the caregiver that they're taking advantage of you. Even if you didn't do a thing from now on, you've already given plenty.
Before you start to set your boundaries, mull over possible compromises. If your husband and his family were willing to pitch in, hire some part-time care, and use community resources, would you consider continuing part-time? Or if you were paid for some of your care services, would that make a difference? If so, you could remind his family that a care-nursing assistant gets $12 to $15 an hour and that you deserve something for all you've given.
If you decide you don't want to continue caregiving even part-time, which is understandable given your burnout, do your homework on alternative care options for your mother-in-law, both in-home and elsewhere. Then sit down and have a real conversation with your husband -- not in the car on the way to the hardware store, and not while the television is on.
He may have some outdated assumptions about "nursing homes." For one thing, there are many kinds of care homes, from small group homes with only four to eight residents to graduated-care homes where your mother-in-law could get more involved care as needed. I don't doubt for a second that you can find a clean, well-run home that's close enough to where you live that you, your husband, and others can check on her often.
Tell him that when you agreed to care for his mother, you never imagined it would turn into such a long-term, all-inclusive situation. Reassure him that you do care about him and his mom, but be honest about how this is getting to you physically and emotionally. Your life matters, too. Share how isolated, lonely, and unhappy you feel. Remind him that as much as he loves his mom, his first loyalty should be to you and your marriage.
If this discussion doesn't help, you may need to pull out the big guns and call a family meeting. Say what you need to say with love and kindness and emphasize that while you care deeply, it's unfair that you've been saddled with this and that you can no longer continue to be their mother's caregiver. Give them a time frame to make other arrangements. Don't argue, but do insist that they come up with a solution. Also don't let yourself get sucked in by guilt tactics and bribes. ("Just two more years!" or "How could you do this to her?")
It will be a lot easier to get your family to stop relying on you if you get out of the house. Whatever your age, consider finding at least a part-time job or a volunteer job. This will kick things into motion and open up a new chapter in your life. And you may well love the change.
Will your home life be uncomfortable for a while? Probably, but my marriage has survived many disagreements, and I find that when I stick to my guns, I earn respect -- first from myself and then from others.
As scary and difficult as this transition might be, someday you might realize it's the best thing you could have done not only for yourself but for your husband's family. Your mother-in-law may even wind up liking her care home better! Many people make friends and get involved in activities, and family relationships often improve because their family starts visiting rather than resenting.
After the initial shock has worn off for your husband, you can begin to rekindle your marriage. Let's face it, it's hard to resist someone who is once again vibrant, attractive, joyful, and affectionate. All of these feelings can return to your life once you have choices. You've been a wonderful caregiver to your mother-in-law, and she can continue to receive good care from others. But for you, it's time for some self-care.
Sometimes you have to just get out of the situation! You have to follow through, too. Making idle threats tends to lead them to believe you're just 'blowin' off steam' & won't take you seriously. I went through 10 yrs. w/ husband. I, finally, had to take action!
Go visit care homes in your area. Call your local health authority and enlist thier help. Go to your doctor and your M-i-l's doctor and enlist thier help. Tell them you need a respite break at the very least. Put your M-I-L in respite care for a minimum of 2 weeks--with or without your husbands help.Let him know you are doing this and if he refuses to consider it just do it anyway. Refuse to argue with him about this till the end of the respite. Breathe deeply for those couple of weeks and let your shouldors go back to the bottom of your neck rather than up beside your ears.You don't have to go on a holiday, maybe you just need to have a nap, have a massage, get your hair done--read a lirary book without interuption. If you'vehadMom nnkidsfor 17 years you might just njoyour home. At the end of that time, and a very short time it is, call a family meeting. Let hem all know how you feel. Thank your husband & sons for stepping up to the plate for you. Tell the extended family you need and i emphasize need thier help, and see what you can plan out together. At the very least you have a break and perhaps both you and your husband will be able to see the value of a care home. And as an aside, tell your kids to do what is right for the occassion when your time comes--don't be bond by a promise made years ago while you were in a moment of fearing the aging process.
I agree with Caregiver Expert...you should be ready to pack your bags...maybe you can get to know your sons in a new way. Your husband is prioritizing the wrong woman...it should be and should have been you all these years.
Listen to the advice given very carefully my dear! I was caregiver 65 yrs out of my 70 yr. life & am now too broken down to enjoy any form of life. My wonderful husband fell right into the trap of careing for both our families & he too has been disabled for the past 13 yrs. following a 26 yr. illness & death.of our youngest son. Our heart was in the right place, but it will kill you! Just celebrated our 55th Wedding Anniversary & are just as much in love as the day we met, we are truly blessed. Should have set aside time for ourselves & two wonderful sons instead of caring for & adopting children who are nothing but ingrates to us now. There are narcistic personalities in most every family who will drain every ounce of life from one & never look back. Demanding a life for yourself is not selfish, it's a blessing from God & if others choose not to make the right choices it isn't our obligation to do it for them. I pray you find peace & (Get a life!)
As a family caregiver expert with more than twenty years experience in the field, there is a lot more to be said here than meets the eyes. If she has been doing this for 17 years and has 3 teenage sons, they have been substantially impacted by family caregiving – directly and indirectly. Each of the kids has had more than 10 years of active family caregiving. The loss of mom to burnout – means the loss of mom in a normal role – soccer mom, scouts, and sports activities. Plus the responsibilities of grandmother have been delegated and legislated without much explanation. From the time frame and the age of the kids, this event looks like it literally happened from the time they returned from their honeymoon. Was seventeen years of this responsibility inserted into the marriage vows? Her husband made the “pledge” to mom not her. This woman hasn’t had a normal day in all of her marriage. This isn’t a cry for help this needs to be a declaration of independence. This woman and her children have sacrificed almost two decades to two very selfish people her husband (their father) and his mother (their grandmother). The idea that at this point he could get angry when the subject gets raised says that there is little marriage to be retrieved. Anyone who truly needs 7/24 care for a decade either didn’t need it in the first place or has been treated in a location and with people who can truly no longer meet her needs. No to be funny, but this is “abuse by the elderly”. This is way beyond a ‘family intervention”. The brother and sister-in-law gave up having a dog in this fight a generation ago. She needs to tell her husband “mom goes” or, “I go.” I doubt that romance in this relationship could be rekindled with a blow torch and the lost childhood of the sons can never be redeemed. Too often the pledge of “no nursing home” becomes the “curse” of family normalcy.