Last updated:
29-Aug-2009
My sister didn't call in time for me to say goodbye to my mom, and I can't get over the hurt.
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I hope you will be able to contact your sister and speak directly with her about the time surrounding your mother's death. If you can join each other in grieving and appreciating your mother's life it may be a great gift for both of you. It sounds as if you have made some assumptions about the communication around the time of your mother's stroke...what you said may be true, but when life and death are happening there are many levels converging around a caregiver(s). Your sister may have simply been overwhelmed and not able to make the calls that were needed, and may seem obvious in retrospect. This has happened to me at the time of my mother's death-- I did not commmunicate quickly enough with everyone in the few days before she died. Please take time to feel the love and affirmation of all the supportive people around you, including this web community.
A prayer and hug for you: Isaiah 40:31 "But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as EAGLES they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint"
I had the same thing happen to me but under different circumstances. The person I was wronged by was a step-mother that was never very close to me any way; this did not help the feelings. I had to move on so I did use some of the suggestions given here. It still took a long time. The reason for the length on time was my refusal to talk to my step-mother. When you don't give people a chance to forgive you for possible hurts you have done to them you yourself have a hard time forgiving and with out forgiveness there is almost no closure. Get in touch with your sister and talk it out. As you said you and her have no one else now, don't let this drive a wedge between you. Life is too short.
I can understand your resentment... However in a very real sense it only hurts you... It appears that your brother dosen't care and I know that is hard for you to understand... I have much the same situation. My parents are 85 and 82, my older sister appears to be oblivious to their situation. I am their caregiver and would not change that. It just seems hard to understand when someone dosen't care. I do think that some men have trouble with identifying their feelings and dealing with them. I do not have anything against men I have 3 sons and a husband I love dearly however they are wired differantly emotionally as well as physically... take care and know that your Dad loves you, even if he can't tell you now...
Is it possible that your sister did not realize your Mom was going to die. I am not making excuses for her it is just a thought. I understand that you feel hurt, but it will not change anything for you. I would encourage you to forgive your sister (I have two sisters) and try to say pay tribute to your Mom by doing something positive. Plant a tree or rose bush in her honor. Contribute to a favorite charity of hers. Volunteer at a senior center. Those are just a few ideas that come to me... take care and know that your Mom is not suffering anymore. God Bless, J
Excellent answer. I wonder if the poster was in good communication with her mother and sister before her Mom had the stroke. Did she make an effort to stay in touch and visit after she moved away? I have one brother, living 2 hours from me and our Dad, who isn't in touch AT ALL, and doesn't return my phone calls. When my Dad dies, I will let him know, but beyond that, I am not leaving any more updates on his answering machine until we actually speak to each other. My Dad is 88, is in a SNF near me, and has end-stage Alzheimer's. I have been his caregiver for the past several years. Do I have a little resentment against my brother??? You bet.