venus

24 days ago

this site is so important,they give us all a chance to vent,to share and surport each other.to no i am not alone,wow.Im glad I found this site.Alzheimers sure does put a lot on us.my mom at nite time,makes me crazy.sundowning is whhat its called.they cry become more confused.cry more become by far more hateful.mom starts around 4p.m acting very mad,begins to cuss at me.crys without end.this continues until shes in bed.this may be hours.i believe its because she wants to go home, an it appears I wont take her.mom is at home.she fights me all the way.for some reason shes scared to set down to go potty? I have to pull her downward to sit.Then she screems out loud,like a bad movie.My wish is mom would feel safe,an feel the love around her.But then, that would not be alzeimers.then she crys herself to sleep.other family members need to realize,caregivers need caregiving.we need others to care for us,help to give us a break.so we can continue to give the best care for those we are caring for.But people fall into being too comfortable in the fact they dont have to take care of this person,an forget about what we the caregivers my need.so Im glad we are here together,supporting one another. VENUS

Sheri

about 1 month ago

I want to thank all of you that have posted to this site. I have been reading all the thoughts, feelings that each and everyone one of you have as well as what you are experiencing. I thank you for all of you have saved my sanity and my life. I placed my mother into what I was told a Alzheimers Assisted living 3 days ago, yes folks I did the duty the move and yes it is catastrohic for her, however she made it 1 1/2 days in the center and they called me at 10:30 at night to come get her they couldn't handle her. So here we are today her living with me. And like most of you I have not had the closest relationship with my mother for her emotional, verbally and sometimes physically abusivenesses coupled with manipulation is alive and well just as when I was a kid. I tell people yes my mother has Alzheimers and yes through it I am living back in my childhoold at the age of 48. Taking this on 4 years ago I myself have almost lost everything from my job to my business to relationships. I take 1 day at a time, and minute by minute, I am depressed and suffer from anxiety but my dr also has uped my medication. Tomorrow I am checking out a locked facility for my mother, and if all goes well I will do the move again. It is not just for my sake but for hers as well. I have but duty, ego aside and made the decision to keep on doing the best thing for her and myself. And that is to put her where she will get the care she needs. But I couldn't have lasted the last 4 years without all of you on this site. I thank you I appreciate all of you and will keep you posted on my journey.

GALOWA

2 months ago

BOTTOM LINE - ABUSE IS ABUSE. whether your parent is doing it to you or you are doing it to him... if you can't find a way to HANDLE IT or STOP IT, you have the right and the obligation to remove it from your life. when i took responsibility for my mother, she was repetitious, demanding, an insomniac, and physically aggressive. at one point she came after me with a butcher knife. i contacted her NEUROLOGIST, who prescribed an anti-psychotic she takes at bedtime. it makes her sleep through the night and makes her compliant and MANAGEABLE. without SEROQUEL, my mother could not live with my family. (i would probably become violent!!!) with regard to inappropriate behaviours - we TREAT them as inappropriate behaviours. my mother often acts like a naughty child, and when she does, she gets treated like one! when she is obnoxious and irritating - especially with any HINT that she is doing it intentionally - i escort her to her room and tell her to stay there. she can watch tv, sleep, or stare at the wall, but when she "forgets" and comes out again, i remind her of what she did and take her back to her room. when my mother does things that make caregiving impossible the other approach i use is to remind her that the ONLY thing standing between her and a NURSING HOME is ME. THIS my mother gets RIGHT AWAY, and she ALWAYS chooses her cozy life with my family, and becomes compliant. YOU are important and deserving of the same level of care your parent receives from you. make sure YOUR NEEDS can be met and YOU ARE CARED FOR before you try to care for someone else. NOT EVERYONE IS CUT OUT TO BE A CAREGIVER. NOT EVERYBODY IS COMPLIANT ENOUGH TO BE CARED FOR AT HOME. but that is okay, because YOU are NOT REQUIRED to be a caregiver. if the person you care for makes the situation impossible for you, you have the right to a caregiver's divorce. you have the right to say "i cannot and will not continue." and then you do what is necessary to make it happen...

ERP

2 months ago

The best advice I think, when all other things do NOT work is to walk out of the room and if you can, out of the house. If you cannot leave him/her alone, go into the bathroom and lock the door. Bring a radio in with you and play it loudly enough to drown out the sound of the ill person's voice. Take a shower if you can. The sound of the water will certainly "drown" out other noises. Bring a cell phone in with you and call someone who is sympathetic & can distract you and make you laugh. Alzheimer patients go through various stages and you can hope that the worst stage will pass, soon! Bribe family members to take over for just two hours or so and get OUT. Go to a movie with a friend, learn to play Bridge or some other game that involves other people, play a sport, swim at the Y; there are a lot of things you can do to save your sanity. And when you take it out on your loved one, remember: he/she wont remember! You will unfortunately. So take care of yourself and you will be a better caregiver.

I really wish I could find solice in these "you'll be glad you had these days with him" kind of comments, but I'm not so sure. Right now, I'm putting a box around a lot of what I do for him, treating it almost clinically in an effort to preserve my sanity. I fear I will only remember these days in the disease, and not the days when we did a lot of did together. I lost a six figure job because my focus was on him the past four years getting his situation in order, instead of maintaining a focus on my work, client relationships and internal employer relationships. The endless calls at work, rearranging client meetings to run over to his house, and running ragged to prep his house for sale took their toll. Now instead of being able to place him in an assisted living center, I'm stuck with an 86 year old roommate for purely financial reasons - I need his income in addition to unemployment to keep my house and pay bills. Yes, it may be better for him, but I have no life. I've already made up my mind that my job search and any future employment will need to take priority regardless of where my dad is in his disease, or I'll end up in worse shape than him when my time comes.At least his house was paid for and he has a pension. I've been wiped out. As long as he is reasonably high functioning, I'm finding that a local adult day care that works with varying dementia patients has been a god send. Their staff and I are working through some of his 'anxiety attacks' triggered by arthritis pain, which mimic heart attacks, so we aren't calling EMTs three times a week. I will be the only way I can reclaim my life and career while I'm still young enough to enjoy it, and still know he is in good hands during the work day. I know most of the care givers who post selflessly give up their lives, their homes and finances, but you absolutely can't lose yourself to this disease in addition to losing your parent. Caregiver anger comes from giving and not replenishing your soul and your sense of self - and your bank account. It's even harder if you had/have a professional life or career: most of us boomers 'are' our jobs; and if you're single and live alone by choice as much as circumstance, your parent suddenly forces you to be an unwilling and unhappy parent to a childlike elderly parent. I don't think any care giver should feel guilty about anger, about wishing at least once a day it would be over, about putting their parent in a nursing home instead of continuing home care . . . it think it goes with the territory. Becoming co-dependent, feeling as though you're only worth is as a care giver, that's the stuff that will put you in a grave before you know it.

Journey002

2 months ago

I am so going through this right now. My mother and I never had a close relationship..so, I am now having a hard time taking care of my mother-in-law. I love her dearly, but, think I have now reached the point where I just don't have it in me to put up with the fights, the defiance, the physical abuse she is now showing towards the outside help we have hired. If we try to make her do what is right and safe for her, she becomes so argumentative with everyone. She pouts when she doesn't get her way and then wants to leave the house and live somewhere else. lol No one else in the family has volunteered to even take her for a day, let alone to have her move in with them. I'm really leaning towards putting her in a home, yet, its something I promised her I wouldn't do when she first moved in. I feel like its a constant battle with her to get her to do the least little thing. I have tried all the things on this page to make things better. They were for the first few months...not now. I know I am depressed now and I have had my doctor increase my anti-depressant due to this. I don't want to up the dosage again. I understand that all of this is due to her "ailment", but, this is so hard to deal with on a day in, day out basis. I'm venting now and I so appreciate the opportunity this site affords me, I'm just really down right now. I feel trapped. Other than the help that I finally insisted on, no one else helps, including my husband (her son). She doesn't pull these things on him or when he's around. Sigh. Onto another round now. Free time is over. Sigh.

doforanimals

2 months ago

I have a similar situation to the author of this article. My mother was domineering, manipulative and insensitive. Made for a difficult relationship that became more challenging with her dementia. I had to develop a caustic sense of humor to survive. Especially watching those theatrical tantrums that became more over-the-top the older she got. Some days finding the humor is more difficult, but truly, the situation is so tragic you have to find a way to laugh to get through each day. I also have stacks of comedy CDs, DVDs and books that are life preservers during this turbulent phase of life.

krod

2 months ago

I believe the ability to handle your relationship with a parent now relates to the one you had earlier in life. My mother and I never had a good relationship, and added to that, she has a personality quirkiness that only adds to the difficulties of her dementia now. My parents took care of my grandmother with no help until she passed at 105, and she was physically in great shape, and easy-going. I'm trying to continue this ideology, though I am only one, and with a parent with such attributes as my mother, it's the biggest challenge of my life. The suggestions posted here are great, and have done some of them, take one day at a time, and pray.

polaristar

2 months ago

Samo-Samo... my Mom gets me into circle questions every morning, like a loop playing in her head. I end up having to explain everything (her money , or lack thereof, her storage, and that she can no longer afford to pay for things she hasn't looked at in over a year, how her cell phone works, yes Mom, you can call to OK and it doesn't cost any more than you already pay, then back to her money... how much her income is, where it comes from, where it goes to... on and on... She's going into a home in 2 weeks even though she really doesn't need to be in one... I'm just done. No help from siblings and can't afford outside help. Even though I will be penniless, jobless and basically homeless I'll have my sanity back. That's all I need to be able to take take of the rest.

DMJ

2 months ago

I can totally relate and I know things are going to get worse for my mom & I know I shouldn't get upset with her. Sometimes, I yell. Sometimes, I cry & sometimes, I laugh. I am guessing it is all part of the process. It is part of grieveing. Our loved ones are not the same people that we had in the past and it is very difficult.

LRDarrah

2 months ago

My experience with my mother was very similar. I found that the more I learned about Alzheimer's through Web sites and others with loved one's with the disease, the better I handled things. One area I found that I was at fault was that I corrected my mother. In retrospect, I can see where constantly hearing you are wrong would be very frustrating. Once I learned to exist in HER reality a little bit, things improved tremendously. It is a difficult uphill climb, however, I have found that Alzheimer stages pass just like growth stages of children - and pretty soon your Dad will be in the next stage and a whole different set of problems will arise. Keep learning and researching the disease - knowledge is your best defense. Good Luck.

OMG! This is the situation with my mom but I have 4 little ones at home and I am divorced.

Rendezvous 747

2 months ago

This is how feel from time to time also. Yes, Mother is a hand full but we manage and she is in the best place she can be at this time, home with her loved ones.