Last updated:
29-Sep-2008
My parents, who have dementia, flat-out refuse to move into assisted living. How do I get them to move without making them hate me?
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My heart bleeds for you Carol. We (my siblings and I) had this same scenario with our mother. I had three sisters and brother at the start of my mothers dementia. On her "good days", she seemed fine. But as time went on, it was clear her dementia was worsening. My sister DA arranged to have a Visiting Nurse (VNA) come in daily to ensure my mom took her meds (coumadin was one). After a while, on her good day, she ordered the nurse not to waste an more time coming by to see her. Under the Laws of Massachusetts, the nurse had to obey. On her bad days . . who knows. My mom also was very frugal to keep the heat down as low as possible in Winter. My Sister FN came by to see her several times as week, but had her own semi-disabling health issues. My brother BE was already in a Nursing Home with brain damage and could not be of any help. Legally, if wwe tried to get involuntary guardianship, and she appeared on a "good day" .. forget it. My sister DA also prepared a weeks of meals in advance which only needed reheating. My mom had a gas stove, and soon became very clear from the blackened, encrusted post and pans that leaving the gas stove opearitive was not a good idea, so my sister DA removed the knobs and shut off the gas flow (valve behind the stove). Then the meals had to be a couple times a week. She had no community social life except attend church when she could. Finally, she had a stroke. We (my bride and I went to visit her), and we found her laying on the floor, completely incoherent and looked like she had Hypothermia from the chilled house. We called 911 and eventually was placed in a Nursing Home where she lived for another 7 years. (Medicaid became another thing, but we were very fortunate to have a local lawyer, with the local poor as clients, and practiced mostly Medicaid Law). Since we could not get total Guardianship, we obtained a health care guardianship, which gave us the means and access to her financial resources for her care. During the interim, two sisters and my brother passed away before my mother did. During that time, I worked for a Fortune 100 Company and was able to get time when I needed it. I was also able to visit my Mother on a Daily basis, and we soon became friends. If there is as point in this, modern law was designed to protect our frail from predators. Those same laws, prevent well meaning willing caregivers from access to help our relatives, and it takes some creative legalese to make it happen. I suppose this could have been shorter. But as I write this, I know I have to get this same information into the hands of MY children, as I am approaching the same age as my mother when she first began to show signs of dementia that noone recognized. By the way, I have friends in a similar position as yours. Her mom has severe dementia and her husband has been in denial. And he has the "Type A" personality that whatever he beleives, is in fact (to him) the only facts worth considering. [ i.e. he is always right!)
I may have missed something, but the subject of in-home care was not mentioned. I am a registgered guardian and have a couple of clients with dementia that are receiving wonderful in-home care. A Geriatric Care Manager can assist in determining if in-home care is appropriate.