Last updated:
13-Apr-2009
My sister says I'll regret cutting off my father, but I think I've earned the right to protect myself.
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I broke off my relationship with my mother after 47 years of constant abuse by her. I have never felt better. I have healed and am happy for the first time in my life. She will never change but I am entitled to be happy, she chose by her personal choices to not be a part of it. I wish her no ill will but her issues are her own, I will not own them.
I broke off my relationship with my father about five years ago. He is in his mid 70's. Like your family, my siblings (and my mother) all grew up in fear of him and he never really stopped being abusive. Some elders do mellow and change but some do not. With some relationships there is really only one choice because you have to protect yourself. It can be sad and hard to stay away from an abusive parent but sometimes it is the only healthy answer. I remember reading a book about this very subject several years ago and the author, who herself had been an abused child, gave advice to adult children who have a bad relationship with an elderly parent in need. Her recommendation was that an adult child in this circumstance, do what was only absolutely necessary for the elderly parent and leave the rest to others who could take care of the elder more objectively. This way an adult child fulfills an obligation but is able to protect themselves and/or the elderly parent from an emotionally charged, possibly abusive situation.
I've had exactly the same experience, although my sister understood my need to cut things off with Dad. He was physically abusive to me as a child, and verbally abusive to me as an adult. I just couldn't take it anymore. I hung the phone on him during one of his insulting tirades, a didn't speak to him for a couple of years. That gave me time to heal. And it gave me back my power. I tried to talk to him about it once, and he dismissed me. So I gave up having a father/daughter relationship with him. After I forgave him for his behavior, I felt very much at peace. I recognized the problem was his; I wasn't the awful person he tried to make me believe I was. And his approval wasn't important. You have children, and can't afford to let him destroy them or your family.We all have a heavenly father who loves us more than even we can imagine. That's all any of us needs!