My mom is so needy -- I feel like a bad daughter because I can't be there 24/7.

DONM

9 days ago

I'm in a similar situation in that my mom is single, and I'm an only child who lives a few states away. My mother has narcissitic personality disorder, and it has affected my childhood and continues to affect my adult life. There came a point when I realized that everything I was trying to do for her to make her happy was in vain. She'll never be happy, and it's not my responsibility to make her happy. I've learned to set healthy boundaries and take back control of my life and most importantly, not feel guilty for that. I disagree with the author of the article. You are not responsible for your mother's happiness, therefore it is not your responsibility to see to it that she can get along in this world; she's a functioning adult who should be able to do this on her own. It's one thing to offer her help if she's willing to take it and there are positive changes to be made, however in cases like this where an adult daughter is made to feel responsible for her mother's happiness and is expected to put her mother's life before her own, you will only be faced with a life of more guilt and manipulation. You won't be doing yourself or your mother any good. I found the book "Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers " by Dr. Karyl McBride to be very eye opening. Even if your mother doesn't have a full blown personality disorder, this book might be helpful to you to better understand how you can free yourself from your mother's guilt and manipulation.

Santamarie50­

about 2 years ago

My mother has been that way all her life. She has been married 3 times. My father and her were married for 29 years, she decided she wanted a divorce. She met and married her 2nd husband who died at home with lung cancer. Not long after that she met her 3rd husband who she has been with for 20 years. In that 20 years her husband has ran off all her children for one thing or another. We have not been able to go to her house to see her and she complained about us not coming there. She knows the reasons but still insist us come there. Now she has falling and required brain surgery to relieve the blood on the brain. She is not right. The doctors say she has alzheimers from the fall. No matter what has gone on I still try to keep intouch with her. I call the nurses everyday to make she she is ok. Hang in there and make sure you take care of yourself and BE HAPPY

It sounds like your mother is the selfish party in this situation and not you. You don't sound like a bad daughter at all. Maybe this is a little too blunt, but I call it like I see it! Your mother sounds like an inconsiderate, unthoughtful, out for herself kind of person. I know that sounds harsh, but my mother is the same way. I think it is really selfish of her to try to make you feel guilty for wanting to study. You also mentioned that she wants you to live close, but when you're around she ignores you and criticizes you. It sounds to me like she is an unhappy person no matter what. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY!!!!!!!! HER CHOICE TO BE UNHAPPY IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!!

juliaATL

about 2 years ago

I want to add to this a bit. I always when I was young felt the same very way. Now when I have grown kids I think I can understand my mother much better. Thanks God she is alive and I can do as much as possible now to make her probably not so many years here pleasant. I think, at the end, all matters is the family and our family. I have perfect carier with great salary, my husband is doing really good too. And somewhat (may be related to my acomplishement in family and work) I am ready to give now, as I don't want much for myself. All of you are really young and have a very good future ahead of you. Don't be mad to your mom, you might me in her shoes one day. I can not understand how you can feel that talking more than 15 minutes is waste of your time? If you talk 15 minutes more, you only "lose" 15 minutes (so what? go to sleep 15 minutes late), but you gain something that can not be counted.

A computer is a good idea, but get one with a webcam and download Skype on it. Then you can also See your mom and she can See you when you talk, plus, it doesn't cost a long distance call.

RN217

about 2 years ago

I too have the same situation; my mother seeks attention and sympathy from others by always having a medical "issue". I live 25 miles away and also can't be there for her every need. She can really be a "downer" for me, always complaining and making me feel guilty for not always being there for her. I have tried to limit my calls to 10-15 minutes and not every day; every other day. When she starts to complain or make me feel guilty, I either quickly change the subject or pretend I have another call coming in and switch over. It gives me time to gather my thoughts and take a breather. Do not feel guilty; you are a good daughter and you have a life of your own. Don't let your mother drag you down; try to be understanding, but have your limits. Try to do what you can from a distance and visit her when you can. But, please, don't let her make you feel guilty. Suggest she pursue other interests to take her mind off of herself; she needs to feel needed and loved. I got my mother involved in volunteering for the hospital; she saw how lucky she really is and how she could help others. Suggest that to your mother. Remember, time has a way of fixing things; keep the faith and remember that this too shall pass. God Bless!

Shar Shar

about 2 years ago

Because, before my Mom passed I had somewhat the same situation accept my Mom and I were a few miles apart and my brother and nephew lived with her but she just wanted the majority of your time!! I do love and miss her and wish I could have spent more time with her, but I AM NOT GUILTY about the Time I did spend with her!! She knew I was there for her when she really needed me!! Be Blessed!!