Last updated:
26-Sep-2009
My adult son, who's supposed to be helping me with his dad's care, is a mooch!
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I would like to point out two important points the original poster did not make clear enough (at least for me.) TWO THINGS NEEDING CHANGING: 1) THE SON HAS TO LEAVE, and 2) THE DAUGHTERS NEED TO STOP SENDING MONEY TO THEIR BROTHER. Period. The daughters should IMMEDIATELY BEGIN sending that money to THEIR MOTHER so she can hire the Caregiving Aide of HER CHOICE. (A great source for help is often the family's church community, local nursing schools, etc.) Also, the mother should establish relationships with MORE THAN ONE AIDE so that if one aide is ill, needs to go on vacation etc, the safety net is already in place... An added benefit is that it will help the husband become accustomed to receiving care from a variety of people. If the daughters want to continue helping their brother AS WELL (AFTER he moves out of the parents' home,) that is THEIR CHOICE, but the money FIRST should CONTINUE TO GO TO PROVIDING AID AND RELIEF FOR THEIR MOTHER. Sorry to be a stickler for detail, but the devil is ALWAYS IN the DETAILS. Additionally, the parents need to serve the son with a FORMAL eviction notice and contact local law enforcement to inform them of the eviction by providing a copy of the notice. Local law enforcement officers (who, I suspect, are already far more familiar with the son than the parents realize...) will be the ones enforcing the eviction action if the son turns out to be too much of a jerk to just move out... Good luck!
God love you for all you do. If it doesn't kill you, you will be so strong that NOTHING will faze you!
I agree with Carol O'Dell's advice and also suggest for the wife (who is the real caregiver here) that she look at http://wellspouse.org, the Well Spouse Association. It's a group offering emotional support to husbands, wives or partners of persons with chronic illness and/or disability.
As an eldercare advisor, I often see this situation where an adult child who is not capable of making it on his/her own becomes the default caregiver because he needs a place to live, can't manage finances etc. I completely agree with the advise of giving him a deadline to move out. With everything on your plate, you don't need to be caring for your son as well.
Our adult children have lived with us over and over. both have drug problems and one is an alcoholic. their father had renal failure twice last year and i suffer with lupus. we got them moved out of our home last time and now we have less to worry about than when they lived with us. we are also taking care of my mother-in-law who has severe parkinson's and alzheimer's disease. now that it is just the two of us, we can take care of her, and each other, much better. we also found that my mother-in-law really needed full time nursing care and is much happier at a nice nursing home in our community where we often visit her. sometimes "help" is really just more work.
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