Last updated:
03-Oct-2009
I'm your classic burned out caregiver and don't know how much longer I can do this.
Caring.com is an informational site only. Neither Caring.com nor its partners provide medical advice, diagnosis or treatment, or legal, financial, or other professional services advice or advice about what service providers to use.
By using our Website, you agree to the
Terms of Use
and
Privacy Policy.
© Copyright 2008-2009 Caring, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Sometimes you have to just get out of the situation! You have to follow through, too. Making idle threats tends to lead them to believe you're just 'blowin' off steam' & won't take you seriously. I went through 10 yrs. w/ husband. I, finally, had to take action!
Go visit care homes in your area. Call your local health authority and enlist thier help. Go to your doctor and your M-i-l's doctor and enlist thier help. Tell them you need a respite break at the very least. Put your M-I-L in respite care for a minimum of 2 weeks--with or without your husbands help.Let him know you are doing this and if he refuses to consider it just do it anyway. Refuse to argue with him about this till the end of the respite. Breathe deeply for those couple of weeks and let your shouldors go back to the bottom of your neck rather than up beside your ears.You don't have to go on a holiday, maybe you just need to have a nap, have a massage, get your hair done--read a lirary book without interuption. If you'vehadMom nnkidsfor 17 years you might just njoyour home. At the end of that time, and a very short time it is, call a family meeting. Let hem all know how you feel. Thank your husband & sons for stepping up to the plate for you. Tell the extended family you need and i emphasize need thier help, and see what you can plan out together. At the very least you have a break and perhaps both you and your husband will be able to see the value of a care home. And as an aside, tell your kids to do what is right for the occassion when your time comes--don't be bond by a promise made years ago while you were in a moment of fearing the aging process.
I agree with Caregiver Expert...you should be ready to pack your bags...maybe you can get to know your sons in a new way. Your husband is prioritizing the wrong woman...it should be and should have been you all these years.
Listen to the advice given very carefully my dear! I was caregiver 65 yrs out of my 70 yr. life & am now too broken down to enjoy any form of life. My wonderful husband fell right into the trap of careing for both our families & he too has been disabled for the past 13 yrs. following a 26 yr. illness & death.of our youngest son. Our heart was in the right place, but it will kill you! Just celebrated our 55th Wedding Anniversary & are just as much in love as the day we met, we are truly blessed. Should have set aside time for ourselves & two wonderful sons instead of caring for & adopting children who are nothing but ingrates to us now. There are narcistic personalities in most every family who will drain every ounce of life from one & never look back. Demanding a life for yourself is not selfish, it's a blessing from God & if others choose not to make the right choices it isn't our obligation to do it for them. I pray you find peace & (Get a life!)
As a family caregiver expert with more than twenty years experience in the field, there is a lot more to be said here than meets the eyes. If she has been doing this for 17 years and has 3 teenage sons, they have been substantially impacted by family caregiving – directly and indirectly. Each of the kids has had more than 10 years of active family caregiving. The loss of mom to burnout – means the loss of mom in a normal role – soccer mom, scouts, and sports activities. Plus the responsibilities of grandmother have been delegated and legislated without much explanation. From the time frame and the age of the kids, this event looks like it literally happened from the time they returned from their honeymoon. Was seventeen years of this responsibility inserted into the marriage vows? Her husband made the “pledge” to mom not her. This woman hasn’t had a normal day in all of her marriage. This isn’t a cry for help this needs to be a declaration of independence. This woman and her children have sacrificed almost two decades to two very selfish people her husband (their father) and his mother (their grandmother). The idea that at this point he could get angry when the subject gets raised says that there is little marriage to be retrieved. Anyone who truly needs 7/24 care for a decade either didn’t need it in the first place or has been treated in a location and with people who can truly no longer meet her needs. No to be funny, but this is “abuse by the elderly”. This is way beyond a ‘family intervention”. The brother and sister-in-law gave up having a dog in this fight a generation ago. She needs to tell her husband “mom goes” or, “I go.” I doubt that romance in this relationship could be rekindled with a blow torch and the lost childhood of the sons can never be redeemed. Too often the pledge of “no nursing home” becomes the “curse” of family normalcy.