sop832

15 days ago

No one can convince you that you are doing the right thing but YOU. No amount of platitudes or well-meaning friends can do it, and you can't rush it. I know, Guilt is my middle name. My 95 yo mother is back in rehab for the 4th time, this time with compression fractures in her back. I know she is a little confused from pain meds [she's usually clear as a bell]. Not that she's above a little guilt-inducing behavior ordinarally, but when I tried to leave this afternoon, she cried and cried and begged me to stay, or call her a cab, but please don't leave her there, she'll die, etc, etc, etc.I finally just left, I felt that the longer I stayed, I was just postponing the inevitable. I know she can't come home, she can't even stand up. So yes I feel terrible, but I have to go to work in the AM and I have a husband and dog to hang out with. I just have to learn how to dealwith it

cmacp

15 days ago

What an excellent topic. I thought the poster was writing about me, - except I'm not quite at the point of actually enjoying life. I'm still mourning a spouse who isn't dead yet, and I mourn the dreams we had for our future together. However, after 2 yrs of full time care giving, I felt relief when my husband was admitted to a skilled facility 2 months ago. Prior to the stroke that caused his recent admittance, I was physically and emotionally exhausted. I didn't realize it until now, but all my attention and energies have been focused on him. In the last few weeks I have begun reconnecting with my church and church groups. It feels wonderful. His doctors and the facility social worker say that he can not come home again unless we have an additional FT care worker. My husband has traumatic brain injury induced Alzheimer's. Now is impulsive and a danger to himself and me at home. I understand the poster's ambivalent feelings. When I'm home alone at night, I miss his company terribly. But when his therapists told him this week that he might be ready to return home soon, I felt panicky. I also understand her feelings of guilt. Prior to his recent admitance, all meals were planned around his diet, - soft or puree-able foods. Last night I had crispy shrimp, and recently had my first steak in over two years. My husband begs me to bring him home and can't understand why I can't. This is heart breaking. However, he has cut down on the many daily phone calls, - which is encouraging. I still visit him daily. Yesterday, I spent my birthday at the nursing home. Last night, after walking our dog, and bringing in the groceries, I still had to make dinner and complete unfinished medicaid LTC documentation. It occurred to me just how much of a F.T. job it is for me just to take care of myself, our pet, and our home. Now that the pressure is off, I realize just how hard it had become for me. I can't imagine how I could resume his FT care at home again. I feel guilt and also relief.

Janice Bird

19 days ago

It's hard to add more to the previous response but another suggestion is to let the staff at the home know about his behavior (calling 10 times a day). They can be very helpful in checking on him, redirecting him, etc. They can also be invaluable in providing guidance and counsel to you. An Alzheimer's support group can also help you deal with your feelings. Bless you for all you've done to take good care of your husband. Now, it's time to take care of you.