I have cancer and am ready to let go, but my daughter wants me to fight.

The Caregive­r's Voice

11 months ago

A dear caregiver friend of mine also fighting COPD, held up her hand when death came knocking. Her cancer retreated. She took a year to straighten out her affairs and made sure her daughters grown-up daughters were able to spend time with her. When death came knocking at her door once more, she was able to let go with peace. We can never know how hard the battle is until we're fighting it ourselves. Trust those who are on the journey of their lives and learn by asking questions and gaining knowledge. Who knows? They're way of handling it might help you when you have your own battle to fight. I am curious, given the 2009 date of the original post, what the outcome was in this situation.

The ways to explain what you want to your children

frena

11 months ago

i've seen a number of elders go through horrendous treatments in response to a kind of emotional blackmail from family members unable to face the reality of death and loss. i really commend your clarity and courage. perhaps your daughter most needs to hear how you love her and don't want to leave her, but that you can't carry the pain and suffering any longer -- and that it wouldn't help. don't hesitate to get help on your side. contact hospice ASAP and they will be able to support your journey and also to help your daughter in her struggles. they have therapists who could help the two of you have those very important conversations. probably she needs to hear a) that you're not doing this to run away from her (emotional suffering and divorce makes most people self-centered for a while and she isn't thinking of you right now); b) that you love her dearly; c) that you yourself have suffered through treatments which ultimately have not in fact healed you and which have seriously affected you; that d) everyone dies. do reach out to hospice as soon as you can and you will find they will walk with you through all of this and with your daughter and they will also help her with her sense of loss and grief after your death. it'll be your greatest gift to her apart from just loving her and forgiving her neediness. many blessings for your journey and i so admire your maturity to recognize when treatment is no longer appropriate and can't help.

GrannyB

over 2 years ago

Excellent information. I retired recently after 17+ years work with hospice. Each patient and family member has to handle the experience personally in their own time and on their own terms but the support of hospice is phenomenal. My own mother became a patient at my hospice in her last year of life and even I grappled with the guilt and questions that I had spoken to hundreds of others about during their journey. It is difficult but I know it is what she wanted and it gave us quality time we would not have had without the hospice interventions. Hospice does not mean you are giving up - it just means you have made the choice to let life take its' natural course and will have the support of a myriad of caring, supportive people to walk with you on your journey.