I'm so angry at how Mom fawns over my brother, the superhero who swoops in, while I do the grunt work of caregiving.

gtrb

over 2 years ago

I have 4 siblings who basically rely on me to take care of mom who lives with me. I have done ALL the things you suggested as well as confronting her & my brother-who-hung-the-moon & lives 700 mi away about her giving him an open charge card. Nothing has chgd. I think you're right to say that there's no benefit in carrying around anger/resentment. I also think that mothers, in general, need to be aware of their tendency to indulge their male children. Its unhealthy & seems to get worse the older everyone gets. Having children myself, I've been very aware of this while raising them.

cardsblossom­

over 2 years ago

A good family mediator or counselor could listen to everyone's views and help facilitate communication between the siblings and help create a plan for mom's care. I also would suggest a respite, a break or vacation for the daughter - a change to rejuvenate can works miracles.

I am the beneficiary in a similar situation. I am fortunate to have these two who want to care for me. Of course there are times when each feels the other isn't doing his/her share, their schedules conflict, or they simply feel under-appreciated. These are the same sort of things that occurred when they were children; they haven't changed who they are. He has provided a home & tries to keep it up; she'll give him a hand when its feasible. She does everything for me from personal care to taking care of the household; he comes at times to take over, when she needs a break. My biggest fear is that one or both will suffer burnout. At the present time, I don't have to worry about meals, clean clothes, transportation, getting meds as ordered, or anything else. If they get angry with each other occasionally, I hope they let each other know, so they can work it out - just as they always have. For the most part they are loving, cooperative siblings who strive to put "Mom" first. How lucky I am!

The suggestion to write down your feelings are good. However, it does not change the fact that another sibling is is not holding up their part of the deal. I'm in the same situation, my brother does nothing, but my mom thinks he is wonderful and I take her to doctor appt, shop for her, laundry, etc. I lost a very well paying job becuase I was spending too much time taking her to doctor appts. I have asked my brother to use some of his vaction, like I have over the past few years, to help, but he won't. I guess he thinks that daughters are suppose to help thier parents.

The suggestion to write your feelings down without censoring them is good. It's important however to do more than just recognize what the "game" is but to "call" the game (say out loud what is going on, directly). We need to speak the truth in order to take care of ourselves, regardless of the fallout. Write out your anger first, process it, and then decide whats the best way to speak your truth, calmly and without being angry or defensive.