I'm wracked with guilt for enjoying life again now that my husband is in a care home.

Gas Doc

about 1 month ago

that its OK to keep having a life of your own, without guilt feelings. I'm not all there as yet but getting close.

tomagirl

about 1 month ago

this was very helpful because these are some of my feelings.my husband has only been in a care home for 2 months and it been very hard accepting that I did the right thing for both of us.

Gas Doc

2 months ago

The expression of guilt. Ive been strugleing for somw time,but with help from my children and friends, who know here very well, I'm geting better at handling quilt. Lonelyness ,. I feel, has a great deal to do with feeling guilt.

SoniaLosAnge­les

6 months ago

I like that the writer provided steps for her that are doable. He also supported her right and desire to keep living outside of the facility and with healthy friends. He supported her dignity while acknowledging that he is still her husband.

jaksocialwor­ker

7 months ago

I have a friend whose husband is in a nursing home and does not recognize her. She goes to NHC every day about 8:00 a.m. and stays until his bedtime around 6:00 p.m. In the years since he has been in the facility, she has lost weight, her face is drawn and exhaustion is visible throughout her body. I agree with the advise that was given, but I would add, this must be an individual, sou-searching decison that only the person can decide they can live with. Because at the end of the day, I think a person will always want to say with conviction", I truly did all that I could do for my loved one"

All of iut was helpfull .But aspecilly the Sex Part. I also feel Guilty and not injoyig it. Thank You for making me feel better about it

The Caregive­r's Voice

about 1 year ago

I am curious, now that one year has passed, how the original questioner is faring. I would imagine her husband has declined further in his capacity and this may give her some relief from the telephone calls and his other requests. One thing her questions do point out is the importance of learning about dementia. The more she knows the more aware she becomes and the less guilt she'll suffer knowing that many of his behaviors are a result of his dementia.

sop832

over 2 years ago

No one can convince you that you are doing the right thing but YOU. No amount of platitudes or well-meaning friends can do it, and you can't rush it. I know, Guilt is my middle name. My 95 yo mother is back in rehab for the 4th time, this time with compression fractures in her back. I know she is a little confused from pain meds [she's usually clear as a bell]. Not that she's above a little guilt-inducing behavior ordinarally, but when I tried to leave this afternoon, she cried and cried and begged me to stay, or call her a cab, but please don't leave her there, she'll die, etc, etc, etc.I finally just left, I felt that the longer I stayed, I was just postponing the inevitable. I know she can't come home, she can't even stand up. So yes I feel terrible, but I have to go to work in the AM and I have a husband and dog to hang out with. I just have to learn how to dealwith it

cmacp

over 2 years ago

What an excellent topic. I thought the poster was writing about me, - except I'm not quite at the point of actually enjoying life. I'm still mourning a spouse who isn't dead yet, and I mourn the dreams we had for our future together. However, after 2 yrs of full time care giving, I felt relief when my husband was admitted to a skilled facility 2 months ago. Prior to the stroke that caused his recent admittance, I was physically and emotionally exhausted. I didn't realize it until now, but all my attention and energies have been focused on him. In the last few weeks I have begun reconnecting with my church and church groups. It feels wonderful. His doctors and the facility social worker say that he can not come home again unless we have an additional FT care worker. My husband has traumatic brain injury induced Alzheimer's. Now is impulsive and a danger to himself and me at home. I understand the poster's ambivalent feelings. When I'm home alone at night, I miss his company terribly. But when his therapists told him this week that he might be ready to return home soon, I felt panicky. I also understand her feelings of guilt. Prior to his recent admitance, all meals were planned around his diet, - soft or puree-able foods. Last night I had crispy shrimp, and recently had my first steak in over two years. My husband begs me to bring him home and can't understand why I can't. This is heart breaking. However, he has cut down on the many daily phone calls, - which is encouraging. I still visit him daily. Yesterday, I spent my birthday at the nursing home. Last night, after walking our dog, and bringing in the groceries, I still had to make dinner and complete unfinished medicaid LTC documentation. It occurred to me just how much of a F.T. job it is for me just to take care of myself, our pet, and our home. Now that the pressure is off, I realize just how hard it had become for me. I can't imagine how I could resume his FT care at home again. I feel guilt and also relief.

Janice Bird

over 2 years ago

It's hard to add more to the previous response but another suggestion is to let the staff at the home know about his behavior (calling 10 times a day). They can be very helpful in checking on him, redirecting him, etc. They can also be invaluable in providing guidance and counsel to you. An Alzheimer's support group can also help you deal with your feelings. Bless you for all you've done to take good care of your husband. Now, it's time to take care of you.