http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor en-us 60 Does your mother realize what's going on?Regardless,take action immediately!Tell those people they have a week to get out of there or you will have the police over.At the same time name yourself as your mother's guardian/representative/power of attorney.You can get the forms,have your mother sign if she can,then it will be legal,then you can start managing your mother's affairs.If she can't take care of herself either move in with her or get her somr home healthcare.But please don't feel guilty about kicking those people out.They certainly don't care about your mother and they will bleed her dry if something isn't done soon.Make the love you have for your mother stronger than the guilt you might feel getting rid of them.I had it happen to me and when the money is gone then they expect you to come up with more no matter what you have to sacrifice.I was left penniless hungry with no help.Don't let this happen to your mom. hossenfeffer Sat, 15 Nov 2008 19:55:19 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-sister-and-her-family-moved-in-with-my-mom-and-now-theyre-spending-all-her-retirement-money http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/my-sister-and-her-family-moved-in-with-my-mom-and-now-theyre-spending-all-her-retirement-money/comments The job of a caregiver is much more demanding than rearing your own children and for sure, you will feel as if you're taking care of a larger size child. If you have doubts at this point, take it from me they only grow into larger doubts. This is like stacking a ton of bricks on your head and being forced to run a marathon. I have been there, and I know first hand what it is to feel free after your children are grown and gone-enjoy it. If it is okay for you to take care of your mother-in-law and be paid, can't they pay an independent caregiver the same sallary? No, I guess it will save them a lot of money. But what I am almost certain of, is that it could also cost you your health, sanity or even your life when things gets tougher, and trust me they do. The role of a caregiver is no easy bite to chew- it's tough and rugged terrain Anonymous Tue, 04 Nov 2008 17:45:26 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-husband-and-his-siblings-want-i-me-i-to-quit-my-job-and-be-their-mothers-caregiver-and-i-dont-want-to http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/my-husband-and-his-siblings-want-i-me-i-to-quit-my-job-and-be-their-mothers-caregiver-and-i-dont-want-to/comments Inasmuch as I am all for family members pitching in and supporting in the time of need, my opinion is in this order. Unless they are all willing to contribute additionally to her social security, 401k and a reasonable health insurance, I strongly suggest she stand her ground. The disabled children should cough up the funds to bring in a qualified caretaker. Bless your Spirit! RevYarb RevYarb Tue, 04 Nov 2008 15:57:24 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-husband-and-his-siblings-want-i-me-i-to-quit-my-job-and-be-their-mothers-caregiver-and-i-dont-want-to http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/my-husband-and-his-siblings-want-i-me-i-to-quit-my-job-and-be-their-mothers-caregiver-and-i-dont-want-to/comments The best you can hope for is that your mom won't pass a competency hearing -- and you get named her guardian, then you can send parasite sis and her entourage down the road yourself, and protect your mom in the future. There comes a time when our parents are not longer logical or able to make good decisions, and that's the hardest thing -- when you have to step up and tell them that and take that ability away legally, then do what you know is right for them even if they hate you afterward. Just remind yourself that once in heaven the mind will clear again and they'll truely be able to understand your actions and motives, and will know you acted out of love for them. I also suggest that in the meantime, you also move in with your mom and become a major thorn in the side of your sister and her family -- make their life miserable enough in that house and they may move on anyway; don't let them relax or sleep or get anything without a hassle -- time to go to war!! Anonymous Sun, 02 Nov 2008 14:08:51 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-sister-and-her-family-moved-in-with-my-mom-and-now-theyre-spending-all-her-retirement-money http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/my-sister-and-her-family-moved-in-with-my-mom-and-now-theyre-spending-all-her-retirement-money/comments My sister and I are experiencing this same scenario with another sibling and I found this article extremely helpful. Anonymous Tue, 28 Oct 2008 15:31:55 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-sister-and-her-family-moved-in-with-my-mom-and-now-theyre-spending-all-her-retirement-money http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/my-sister-and-her-family-moved-in-with-my-mom-and-now-theyre-spending-all-her-retirement-money/comments My family is in the same boat. Our sister won't share ANY info at all and even when as far as to tell the home that she removed our Mother out of that I had DPOA over our Mom's finances(her name is on our Mom's bank account) because she has spent all the money on herself. Its a shame, but what can out of town siblings do? Anonymous Wed, 22 Oct 2008 17:27:15 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-brother-wont-share-financial-information-about-our-dads-assets-and-its-tearing-the-family-apart http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/my-brother-wont-share-financial-information-about-our-dads-assets-and-its-tearing-the-family-apart/comments In reading this story, my first question is why are you her guardian and executor and not one of these family members? It seems to me that sometime in the past they abdicated their responsibiiities, and you allowed it by taking them on. When you take on guardianship, you become the parent and responsible person -- no matter how old your ward is. Too late to whine now, though family advisor thinks you'll be able to get the family involved, I'm living in the real world and I'll tell you right now the only way those kids are going to come around is if there's something in it for them -- if they had any sense of responsibility or love for their mom, they'd already be involved. The sister is probably doing as much as she is able already. If you can't continue to provide care and supervision, you need to make arrangements for this to be taken care of. You, not them, and you took on that responsibility a while back, so you need to live up to it now -- the other choice is to resign and toss the ball back to the kids even if they don't want it . . . . 1whoseesclearly Tue, 21 Oct 2008 14:24:08 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/how-can-i-get-my-elderly-friends-children-and-sister-to-help-take-care-of-her http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/how-can-i-get-my-elderly-friends-children-and-sister-to-help-take-care-of-her/comments My dad died 10/17/08. He had a prepaid plan to be cremated. They never told him that all his surviving kids would have to sign a paper to agree to his wishes. This is state law so we were told in Texas. What a crumby surprise as my dad lays dead in my daughters bedroom!!!!!!! Also a person while living can have an attorney draw the paper that after a person is dead a specific named person can have power over the body remains. No one told us this ither, and this is different than a durable power of attorney. grifin46 Mon, 20 Oct 2008 12:45:30 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/help-my-moms-in-hospice-and-my-sister-and-i-are-arguing-about-her-funeral http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/help-my-moms-in-hospice-and-my-sister-and-i-are-arguing-about-her-funeral/comments Sounds like it's time to arrange placement for him in a supervised care facility -- it's appropriate, and would be best for you both. He will get the care he needs, with you to still oversee it, and you will get the freedom you need, without the worry about how you left him. All you have to do is explain to hisdoctor that you are no longer physically or emotionally able to care for him in your home. 1whoseesclearly Wed, 15 Oct 2008 16:27:49 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/im-thinking-of-leaving-my-spouse-who-has-parkinsons http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/im-thinking-of-leaving-my-spouse-who-has-parkinsons/comments I may have missed something, but the subject of in-home care was not mentioned. I am a registgered guardian and have a couple of clients with dementia that are receiving wonderful in-home care. A Geriatric Care Manager can assist in determining if in-home care is appropriate. Pour Richard Wed, 01 Oct 2008 16:25:28 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/parents-with-dementia-refuse-to-move http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/parents-with-dementia-refuse-to-move/comments I've cared for my mother for years, first in her home, the last few years in mine. What you need to do is care for her but not be afraid to put your life equal with her care. Why not move her into your life, instead of moving you back into hers? Go home and take her with you -- put her in a facility you can visit often, and keep in mind that while she does deserve your love and care, you deserve the ability to maintain a life for yourself. 1whoseesclearly Tue, 30 Sep 2008 12:43:47 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-fianc-broke-off-our-engagement-because-he-said-caring-for-my-mom-has-taken-over-my-life http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/my-fianc-broke-off-our-engagement-because-he-said-caring-for-my-mom-has-taken-over-my-life/comments This is for all who are either considering reverse mortgages. Consider this decision very carefully. At the onset of the loan, which they call a start up fee is very hefty amount, can be 10% of the loan. Once you sign the dotted line,before you receive one penny, this amount is owed. Also, my best friends Mother who at age 83, took out this loan for her in home care. She is 93, has exhausted all of the loan and now her daughters are having to pay for her care. Unfortunately, selling the house now, at the lower home values, make this a very difficult predicament. These reverse mortgages are mortgages. Think long and hard prior to making this decision. Anonymous Tue, 23 Sep 2008 15:33:40 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/i-feel-guilty-about-it-but-i-can-barely-stand-the-sight-of-my-mother-who-wants-to-live-with-me-what-do-i-owe-her http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/i-feel-guilty-about-it-but-i-can-barely-stand-the-sight-of-my-mother-who-wants-to-live-with-me-what-do-i-owe-her/comments its very hard when your parents are very unwell and you know they are going to die. at the time you wonder how your going to cope with everything but you do. afterwards when they have died it is a great comfort to know you did everything you could to make their last days the best for them. ignor what so call friends say and you do whats best for them and you. you were their for them when they needed you most and even they were so unwell they new you loved them and was their for them. it will help you alot after they have gone . Anonymous Fri, 12 Sep 2008 14:15:29 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/siblings-didnt-do-their-share http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/siblings-didnt-do-their-share/comments Your family really does need to be a (the) top priority. I struggled with that when both my folks were seriously ill. In the end, we all but lost the business we ran and my kids had quite a bit of catching up to do with school ( I homeschooled them through all this mess.) I finally placed Mom in a facility where she at least could count on clean sheets. My father learned that he couldn't do very much (post-surgically) and had wanted me there 24/7. Now, several years later, we are still recovering from the illnesses and deaths of my parents. If I had to do it all over again, I would set better boundaries. Bookchic Thu, 11 Sep 2008 17:47:23 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-mothers-growing-needs-are-putting-a-strain-on-my-marriage-and-i-find-myself-wondering-which-will-fall-apart-first-her-my-marriage-or-me-what-can-i-do http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/my-mothers-growing-needs-are-putting-a-strain-on-my-marriage-and-i-find-myself-wondering-which-will-fall-apart-first-her-my-marriage-or-me-what-can-i-do/comments I was just wondering, is there anyone who gets through this without having a sister, brother, sisters, brothers, not agreeing? Argueing, fueding, and bringing things up that have absolutely nothing to do with the situation which should be proper care for your parent or parents! butterfly Tue, 09 Sep 2008 21:51:33 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/how-can-i-stop-my-brother-from-taking-power-of-attorney-for-my-mother-away-from-me http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/how-can-i-stop-my-brother-from-taking-power-of-attorney-for-my-mother-away-from-me/comments My husband has dementia also and it is bad but i don't feel like it is a burden on. iI just wish i could get out sometime. I had to quit my job to take care of him but that's ok. we live off his disability and it really isn't enough be just barely make it each month. i had to get rid of my car because i could not even afford the insurance. I just wish there was financial aid for caregivers because it really puts you in a hole the way the way it is now with gas prices and food prices, but what can you do nothing because the state won't help Anonymous Sun, 07 Sep 2008 02:22:02 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-fianc-broke-off-our-engagement-because-he-said-caring-for-my-mom-has-taken-over-my-life http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/my-fianc-broke-off-our-engagement-because-he-said-caring-for-my-mom-has-taken-over-my-life/comments I can relate to what you are saying. I too cared for my mother while she had cancer. From the time she was diagnosed by taking her to her appointments to the time when things got bad by taking her into my home, taking a month off work (without pay and I am a single parent) to being by her side in my home as she took her last breath. I have three older brothers (I am the youngest and only girl) and two if them helped at the very end (the last week) by coming over once each for a few hours to give me a break, and then were there the night she passed. My other brother lives 3 hours away and didnt even visit her the last YEAR of her life. My mother made me the benificiary of her very small life insurance policy, didnt tell any of my siblings, and wouldnt you know, the brother who was never around was telling me that the right thing to do would be to split it. Keep in mind prior to this we never spoke, but now all of a sudden he is contacting me all the time. I understand how you feel. I did what i did because I love my mother and wanted to be there for her. I love my mother and wanted to be with her as much as possible knowing she would not be with us for very long. I suffered so much watching her lose her battle, giving her IV medications, and feeling like if I had done a better job maybe she would still be here, yet that same brother only thinks about money. It hurts. I just don't understand it. Anonymous Fri, 29 Aug 2008 22:50:52 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/siblings-didnt-do-their-share http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/siblings-didnt-do-their-share/comments Know too that you're not alone. When a parent dies, each of us is prone to feel that the care we gave, the love we shared . . . even the person we became, was somehow inadequate to what we believed our parent expected or deserved. This will pass with time. Letting go isn't easy, particularly when so much of who you saw yourself to be was tied into the care you gave your loved one. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Instead, know how grateful your mother was for the care and attention you gave her. I'm willing to bet that she never saw it as being inadequate. Take that and turn it into a gift from her to you, now, of accepting yourself as someone who's far more than merely adequate. Gail McConnon Wed, 27 Aug 2008 14:40:36 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/i-cant-stop-feeling-that-i-was-an-inadequate-caregiver-to-my-mom http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/i-cant-stop-feeling-that-i-was-an-inadequate-caregiver-to-my-mom/comments Even before his mental decline, my father was unpleasant to me. Now, it is worse. I am caring for him across country (only child!). I go as frequently as financially possible, and have taken over all of his bill-paying, account management, etc. I am on the phone with him several times a week and with others who can provide some of his needs at least that often. I'm doing the best I can for him. I ask myself why I am doing this for a man I am not certain I love and AM certain I frequently don't even LIKE! This is not a feeling I like, but it's reality. I've decided that the only way I can get through this period of my life is to continuously say to myself, "He's doing the best he can with what he has," AND to consider him as my "client," NOT my "father." That allows me to detach and deal with him on a less emotional level. It's sad that it has to be that way, but for me, it makes it easier. I agree with everything that Carol has said--when I talk to my dad about his upbringing and his parents, I realize where he got his ideas. The context is important. Understanding him does not make him easier to deal with, but it makes it easier for me to go on. I think the biggest help is just removing myself emotionally. I ask myself if I can hold my head up and be proud of what I'm doing for him after he's gone. If the answer is yes, then that's all that matters. You truly have my understanding and my support. Follow Carol's suggestions and be good to yourself. You WILL get through this with your dignity intact and your future ahead of you. Anonymous Wed, 20 Aug 2008 05:32:26 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/i-took-the-brunt-of-my-dads-nastiness-my-whole-life-now-i-am-his-caretaker-and-i-resent-it http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/i-took-the-brunt-of-my-dads-nastiness-my-whole-life-now-i-am-his-caretaker-and-i-resent-it/comments I understand. I have 3 siblings that have pretty much left it all to me. I understand your resentment. It is very hard to deal with. It makes me mad that they go on about their happy lives with no regard to Mom or what she is going through. I have sold our home and bought a bigger one for Mom to be with us, I have changed my entire life. I revolve around Moms needs daily. When they do some little something, they act as if it is some big deal. She is only 1 1/2 hours from him now instead of 9 but he still doesn't come see her. My sister in in lala land. One brother does care and would but he just opened a new business 5 hours away so he is tied. I am very blessed to have her in her older years and I see her slipping. To go 2 months without seeing her can make a big difference. They just don't seem to care or are in denial. I get so mad at them. I have medical problems of my own to deal with and it gets so hard to keep on going. The Lord is my strength. An article on this website said to remember that I was probably the one to offer in the first place and I am probably the best one for the job. Yes, true, but does that dismiss them from being just as obligated as I am. I am carrying their obligation and I am so weary. There is a reunion Labor Day and I am not going. I will be shamed to death for it but I don't want to hear about the trips they have made and the things they have bought, etc. It urks me when they never come see Mom. I have always heard that things like this can break up a family and now I understand how. All I can say is look to the Lord for strength. He is all I have and all I need. God bless you. kbroach Thu, 07 Aug 2008 03:05:28 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/siblings-didnt-do-their-share http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/siblings-didnt-do-their-share/comments Hi i was a caregiver of a elderly man with Alzheimer's before i came into the home the daughter was in charge until she fixed everything to go to herself down to interest at the end of the month well it took many days to just get the accounts caught up with and the bank refusing to cash his CD interest check because of how she had them sent , that plus credit cards in his name she had well i had to put in a plan where he could have money for living plus cost of his health coverage within a short time she just knew no one was the wiser , sad to say the lies and stealing from him was forgotten but i never thought a child could be so selfish and after all was in order and she left him in tears not seeing the grandchildren he had seen everyday she would stop drop off pictures and walk away but greed may have taken your moms husband. I do know we had a lawyer help prepare his last will and not long after when his power of attorney had to be given to his son who had taken care of him until he pass, even after death she still wanted her share as she stated went to court to take it she was asked how often did she help with the care of her father? Then the judge read the will leaving her ALL OF MY LOVE ' well all was settled not getting what she wanted but most of all Troy always loved her to the end.That was priceless. littlebit10 Tue, 05 Aug 2008 20:21:40 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/i-was-the-beneficiary-of-my-mothers-trust-deposit-until-that-was-changed-to-her-husbands-name-a-couple-of-months-before-she-died-and-i-think-it-was-done-illegally http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/i-was-the-beneficiary-of-my-mothers-trust-deposit-until-that-was-changed-to-her-husbands-name-a-couple-of-months-before-she-died-and-i-think-it-was-done-illegally/comments I have learned that resentment only takes more of my energy. I have a sister that asked our cousin, who is a nurse to give our mother an entire bottle of Morphine to "Finish Her Off", during her last stages of Ovarian Cancer so she would not be inconvenienced, by having to drive an hour to the airport, fly and then rent a car to visit our mother who was dying. We can not control who our siblings are, but we can control how we respond to them. Now our father has Dementia, and TIA's, is 94, lives alone and does not think he needs any help. Fortunately I live in the same town and do what I can to take care of his needs, pay his bills, take him to his medical appointments, and social events, and now I am helping him with his vineyard and the harvest of his grapes in the fall. My sister feels he does not need help, does not have medical problems, and I over react. I have learned the hard way, to have everything documented, get to know Adult Protective Services staff in charge, In Home Health Care staff in charge, had advice from an attorney who handles Senior legal matters, and know exactly what I can legally, to keep my father safe. That is all that I can do. My sibling has another agenda for her relationship with our father, as she did with our mother. I will not allow who she is, to ruin what time I share with my father. Good luck on your journey. My mantra is, "Have no attachment to the outcome", "It is what it is", and "It is my journey." Anonymous Tue, 05 Aug 2008 16:47:14 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/siblings-didnt-do-their-share http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/siblings-didnt-do-their-share/comments Call a social worker at your local hospital. Fight for your rights but always get the instructions in wrighting. Anonymous Wed, 30 Jul 2008 18:25:46 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/how-much-say-do-i-have-in-determining-who-is-guardian-over-me-and-my-affairs http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/how-much-say-do-i-have-in-determining-who-is-guardian-over-me-and-my-affairs/comments Manipulating records is common and criminal. I wish the governmend would close these places down! Justice4LovedOnes Mon, 28 Jul 2008 19:33:40 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/i-need-to-rescue-my-grandmother http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/i-need-to-rescue-my-grandmother/comments For the person who wants to rescue your grandmother. Do it! Find and attorney that will take him to court. Force him to reliquish his guardianship!!!!! He is probably like my brothers. Cold, obstinate and incapable of compassion, warmth and love. They are evil in my mind. Please prove to the courts that he will not protect your grandmother! Don't wait too long. Oh, and for those of you wondering if I will ever speak to most of my siblings again, NOOOOOO! I will never forgive them for allowing OUR MOTHER to suffer and die in a facility in Kokomo, Indiana. We are a disgrace as children. Oh, and a ribbon with the precious name Mother was not on the flowers that covered her coffin. I declined to attend the services. No crocodile tears for me. I love and miss you Mom. :(```````````` Justice4LovedOnes Mon, 28 Jul 2008 19:23:39 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/i-need-to-rescue-my-grandmother http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/i-need-to-rescue-my-grandmother/comments My mother passed away May 2, 2008 after being dropped by an aide in the nusring home that she had resided in for a little over nine years. After the first one hundred days was an emotional nightmare for me, and, my innocent, helpless mother. Unfortunately, my obstinate brother who was her guardian insisted OUR MOTHER RECEIVED EXCELLENT CARE! Bull. During her nine year stay she had countless urinary tract infections, most would cause her to be hospitilized. Endless bedsores to the bone. One on her left heel resulted in an emergency amputation below the knee. Feces had gotten into her bloodstream. The emergency amputation was required to save her life. I wanted my mother relocated to another facility. Luckily, I found one that would take her after the amputation. Sadly, my obstinate, know-it-all, god like brother decided to relocate OUR MOTHER back to the negligent facility. She's had countless bedsores, urinary tract infections because she had to beg for water. Unbelievable! A bedsore on her left cheek on her behind needed a new flap. A flap is skin to replace the skin that is gone. She died a horrific death. I am furious! I discovered the facility in which our mother resided in, is the POSTER CHILD FOR NEGLECT AND ABUSE IN THE NURSING HOME INDUSTRY. Outrageous! And, they paid their executives one hundred-thirty-seven million dollars in bonuses. I am not joking! My mother and countless other loved ones are dying prematurely for profit. Money is the game! Unfortunately, the laws protect these white collar, educated criminals! A lot of the nursing homes are owned by elected officials, doctors and lawyers. Now I get the picture! I am convinced there is nothing most of us can do. These criminals protect one another. They should be held accountable by law for their crimes in our loved ones premature deaths! But, they won't. I am disgusted with the laws in Indiana. They protect the nursing homes and their criminal owners. Please don't send your loved one to a nursing home. The facility might look clean, but, beware! Understaffing to increase profits is everywhere. The laws need to protect loved ones. Sadly, they don't. I am haunted that my mother died in a facility THAT DID NOTHING BY NEGLECT HER. Justice4LovedOnes Mon, 28 Jul 2008 19:14:39 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/i-need-to-rescue-my-grandmother http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/i-need-to-rescue-my-grandmother/comments This situation also happened to me. I called WASHINGTON DC. ELDER ABUSE. I found out that these nursing homes all had an Ombudsman.The administrators hate to hear from them. They also hate to hear from the state boards. Macrae Tue, 15 Jul 2008 20:59:43 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/i-need-to-rescue-my-grandmother http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/i-need-to-rescue-my-grandmother/comments Let me see here "feeling guilty" When you were too young and unable to take care of yourself who did your grocery shopping, who paid your bills, who wouldn't have locked you away if you were deaf and sick when you were unable to care for yourself. And who did it every single day? Your mom and Dad. They devoted their life to taking care of you for most of it, enjoying you for some of it, then needing you cause they are unable to care for themselves, (and you won't have to be responsible for them for their last eighteen years like they were responsible for you for the first 18 years, plus. No wonder your feeling guilty... Your dad is probably wondering why you haven't moved them in with you or at least closer, if the hour, hour and a half, two hours, whatever, is just too far or takes too much of your oh so important time. How well do you think you would have done if they hadn't been there wiping your butt, or feeding you cause you didn't know how, or giving you medicine when you were sick? Or just being there to spend time with you? They weren't more concerned about if you'd drive them nuts when they decided to have a family. Lucky you they didn't decide you were just too much work and turned their back on you to have a life of their own without taking time for you.... You didn't think their life was more important than you when you needed them , how dare you think yours is more important than theirs when they need you. You sound very self-centered, selfish, and ungrateful. You should feel guilty. Quit your whining... Anonymous Mon, 14 Jul 2008 11:07:12 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/i-constantly-feel-guilty-because-no-matter-how-much-i-do-for-my-parents-i-know-its-never-enough http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/i-constantly-feel-guilty-because-no-matter-how-much-i-do-for-my-parents-i-know-its-never-enough/comments All I know is that I am HERE, doing the day to day. I don't see it as I am sacraficing my life to care for my mom. I don't like it when people comment to me, "OH, your mom is so blessed to have such a good daughter." Heck, I am the one that is blessed to be here for her. It's me and her, and her and me. We are all we have. I have a brother, she a son, but I haven't spoken to him in years. I have nothing to say to him. As her son, he sends her a check for her birthday, mother's day, and christmas. He only calls or has his wife do it to ask if mom received the card and check? It's hard for me to bit my tongue and not say what I feel to him. He is the one that my mom has left in charge of my trust that she is leaving me. She says its cause she doesn't want someone to be able to talk me out of any of it. I won't be able to ask him for anything if I need something extra cause it says so in her trust, but if he feels pressured by it all or if he just decides to do so, at his disgression he can sell the house she's leaving for me to live in and terminate the trust. Without even telling me. So, he can just take away everything she leaves me and I can't say a word. BUT, where is he???? Is he even concerned about how she is or what her needs are? NOPE. Doesn't even call her. Doesn't want anything to do with her or me for that matter. But, he will be the first one to say in front of all those others who weren't around until after, if you know what I mean by after. I called her twin brother once to tell him that she was getting kind way out of it and it was getting worse. I said, I thought maybe you could come visit for a couple days and see that she's doing well in my care and to just visit her before it's too late. Her twin brother says to me, call your brother he'll know what to do. I responded, "I don't know how he could." Why would I call my brother? Alot of siblings consider their parents a great burden, and their life is just too important to take part in the care of our parents. I wonder, I wonder if our parents looked at us as such a burden to bare. The diapers, the money for everyhing kids needs, the long hours to earn enough to give us kids better than they had, the illnesses kids get normally, the worries, the disappointments we cause our parents. And the biggest disappointment must be that after all they sacraficed, all they gave up for us, all those years (and it doesn't end at 18), all those years they were here for us, after all that we as their children can't be bother with them cause they old and require help, or GOD FORBID they wet the bed, oh my gosh, it's too much for the children to even give them two days a week, one day a week. One day a month, or dinner on a birthday or holiday, or even a simple phone call. To wind this up to a close; KEEP IN MIND CHILDREN, YOU MIGHT GET BY AND THINK YOU DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER TO ANYONE, ESPECIALLY TO OUR DYING PARENTS FOR BEING SO SELFISH AND UNGRATEFUL. aND YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE TO ANSWER now, while your still here. You will and I repeat, YOU WILL HAVE TO ANSWER TO GOD. So, think about what you will say to God when he asks you, where were you, what makes you think you can treat your parents that way, WHY? I said "Honor thy mother and father" Your should have listened now you will answer to HIM, The Almighty God. He is going to be punishing alot of sons and daughters for not honoring their parents. I am not looking for sainthood, but I do know that God says He will not forsake us and we expect Him to keep his word, yet we forsake our parents. FOR what? Don't tell me for What, you need to explain that to God. I hope to never socialize with anyone that has turned their back to my mom, friends included, the one that just don't have the time or money to come visit but can go to Tahoe, buy a new car, can't spend a stamp cause their too poor, can't call their time is too important to stop and say hello or I love you. Well, until it's too late and then everyone has an opinion on how this or that, etc. Well, I thank you all for letting me vent, but family when it comes to elderly family or just regular family, they suck and they suck badly. No one is more cruel than a "family memebr" why, i don't know. They just suck, except for my mom. She's my reason for being here and I am gonna be here for her no matter what. Cathie Mon, 14 Jul 2008 10:36:10 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/siblings-didnt-do-their-share http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/siblings-didnt-do-their-share/comments My 91 year old mother has been living with my family for four years now. She has dementia and arthritis and is easily upset. I am married with two sons, in their late teens, at home. We have not had a vacation in four years. We rarely go out together, even to just sit in the yard. My husband has reluctantly attended several family gatherings and funerals (his side of the family) without me. We hardly celebrate any holidays - changes in routine are too stressful for my mother. The few times we have had to take her to the hospital, she would be so upset that I had to stay wiith her overnight or they would have to restrain her. I know a nursing home would kill her because of her anxiety. I have five siblings. With the exception of one, they have caused me nothing but grief. Many times after they leave, I am in tears. They will not stay with my mother, even though she is capable of doing some things, such as using the bathroom alone. They will not invite her to their home, even for a meal, so that I can have a break. Because my mother loves to see all of her children, I try so hard to get along with them so that they will continue to have contact with her. However, once this situation is over, I never wish to socialize with them again. I don't neccessarily hate them, but the hardship they have caused my husband, my sons and myself is too great. Yesterday, I just had a call from a relative who screamed at me at 8:30 in the morning, saying that she will never forgive me for the terrible job I have done. Please keep in mind, that there are several agencies that I have helping me and they have all commended me on the wonderful care that I have given my mother and the sacrifice that my immediate family has given. I try not to cry too often, because it just makes my family's home life more stressful, but I cannot help but be resentful. I apologize for the lengh of this comment, but I know it is somewhat helpful to know that my situation is not unique. All we can do is hang in there and do what we know to be the right course of acton. Thanks for listening. MotherJackie Fri, 11 Jul 2008 17:40:52 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/siblings-didnt-do-their-share http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/siblings-didnt-do-their-share/comments You can take some comfort in knowing that you did the right thing. That's something that you'll be able to draw on for the rest of your life. And it's a great example to the rest of your family. Your siblings missed out on that experience--not just the hard part but the rewards of being there for their mother--for reasons that only they fully know. Maybe it was selfishness, or maybe it was fear...or something else. The fact that they're now interested in getting the family together suggests they DO think family is important--whatever their shortcomings. Anonymous Tue, 08 Jul 2008 21:34:39 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/siblings-didnt-do-their-share http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/siblings-didnt-do-their-share/comments Depending upon the severity, this behavior may constitute emotional elder abuse. As a professional caregiver, the person who posed the question probably is a mandated reporter who should consider whether this must be reported to the local adult protective services agency. Tim Colling A Servant's Heart Senior Care http://www.trustworthycare.com tcolling Tue, 01 Jul 2008 06:17:16 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/paid-caregiver-concerned-about-daughter-threatening-parent http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/paid-caregiver-concerned-about-daughter-threatening-parent/comments I think you should do whatever you can for your Dad, that is where you came from, and without him, you would not be here----and neither would your children. You Can work it out. Say your prayers , and really believe. God can do anything, we are very limited. K Anonymous Tue, 03 Jun 2008 00:37:14 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-father-seems-interested-in-moving-in-with-me-and-i-dont-want-him-to http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/my-father-seems-interested-in-moving-in-with-me-and-i-dont-want-him-to/comments You can use a mediator like a counselor or maybe even a family member of hers that is easier to talk to. Bottom line is you have a right to help out but be respectful---after all---your Dad married her, not you. Remember to say your prayers because God is capable of all things...and we are very limited. K Anonymous Tue, 03 Jun 2008 00:30:53 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/dads-new-wife http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/dads-new-wife/comments Well, your Dad is old enough to do what he wants! And look at it this way.... maybe he forgot what to do in a situation like this!!!! It has been a while, hasn't it???? And... Would you want your Dad to tell you who and how to date??? Maybe you should just be his Buddy and give him some pointers. K Anonymous Tue, 03 Jun 2008 00:22:32 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-dad-wants-to-double-date-with-me http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/my-dad-wants-to-double-date-with-me/comments You must have a family meeting with your Mom's doctor and your whole family. Make a decision with the doctor present because he knows your Mom medically . How are you all going to try and determine what you think should happen medically with your Mom based on opinion? Do this right away and spend valuable time with your family. K Anonymous Tue, 03 Jun 2008 00:15:19 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-mother-has-asked-not-to-be-resuscitated-if-she-has-a-medical-crisis-but-my-siblings-disagree-on-what-constitutes-a-medical-crisis http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/my-mother-has-asked-not-to-be-resuscitated-if-she-has-a-medical-crisis-but-my-siblings-disagree-on-what-constitutes-a-medical-crisis/comments I do not think that anyone should ever control a family like that for the sake of caring for anyone. Your Mom's house should feel like your own. It is a Caretaker's responsibility to not only take care of the patient but to understand the emotional needs of the family as well. This person should be let go immediately. Do not think twice. There are plenty of caregivers out there that are ready to take on the responsibility. I am sorry you've had to go through this so far. K kayseahouse Tue, 03 Jun 2008 00:07:02 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-mothers-caregiver-is-too-controlling-and-wont-take-direction-from-us http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/my-mothers-caregiver-is-too-controlling-and-wont-take-direction-from-us/comments I think you should plainly just tell your Dad ---NOT IN PUBLIC---(have respect that he is your Dad)---but tell him you are not, and you are not subjecting your kids to this anymore, PERIOD> and DON"T.. K Anonymous Mon, 02 Jun 2008 22:49:03 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/dads-racist-remarks http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/dads-racist-remarks/comments Ask the Caregivers to do some errands, shopping, appts, whatever. Plenty of them will---or get ones that will.!!!! You deserve the time with your parents to talk---whatever!!!! Do this immediately!!!! You deserve a life!!!! K Anonymous Mon, 02 Jun 2008 22:44:09 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/i-constantly-feel-guilty-because-no-matter-how-much-i-do-for-my-parents-i-know-its-never-enough http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/i-constantly-feel-guilty-because-no-matter-how-much-i-do-for-my-parents-i-know-its-never-enough/comments I really think you should take your husbands advice and get a part-time caregiver for your mom and go back to work. You, in my opinion, should NEVER leave your Moms side if you can help it . You should make sure she is taken care of no matter what. After all, that IS where you came from. BUT> surely, your Mom will understand your life MUST go on, and so you need to try and work things out. If you explain to your Mom she will get used to whoever it is taking care of her---and she can help you make the choice of WHO it is---I am sure everything will work out. And...don't forget to pray about it--God can do anything, were as we are very limited sometimes. And don't forget somewhere inbetween all this family, to make time for YOU> THINK POSITIVE> K Anonymous Mon, 02 Jun 2008 22:39:34 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-mothers-growing-needs-are-putting-a-strain-on-my-marriage-and-i-find-myself-wondering-which-will-fall-apart-first-her-my-marriage-or-me-what-can-i-do http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/my-mothers-growing-needs-are-putting-a-strain-on-my-marriage-and-i-find-myself-wondering-which-will-fall-apart-first-her-my-marriage-or-me-what-can-i-do/comments We all look for the best care we can get for our parents. If your mother's Caretaker is making unreasonable and ridiculous demands on the family, maybe you should remind the Caretaker they CAN be replaced. If that doesn't make a difference I would, if I were you , call a family meeting and look for a new one. It is not only hard for your Mom to go through what she is going through, it is very hard on your family, I know from experience. You certainly don't need any added stress because the Caretaker wants to play games. Anonymous Mon, 02 Jun 2008 22:30:11 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/i-constantly-feel-guilty-because-no-matter-how-much-i-do-for-my-parents-i-know-its-never-enough http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/i-constantly-feel-guilty-because-no-matter-how-much-i-do-for-my-parents-i-know-its-never-enough/comments Consider yourself lucky! Please cherish these years with your dad. Time goes by so quickly. My father is 84 and when he turned 80 he met a wonderful woman who he married a few months later. We all love her very much and feel so blessed having her in our family. I understand how you feel about your dad dating but try to look at the situation differently. Just because he wants to date doesn't mean he feels less for your mom. My dad still talks about my mom.. He is still in love with her after all these years. She passed away over 26 years ago. My father had 2 strokes in the past 3 months and is paralyzed on his right side. He has been in a rehab facility and possibly going into a nursing home. His speech is getting better. He has had 84 wonderful years. Good luck with your Dad and enjoy your new journey with him. God Bless.... coco Mon, 02 Jun 2008 06:48:22 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-dad-wants-to-double-date-with-me http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/my-dad-wants-to-double-date-with-me/comments Caregiver" they are there for all of you. First no-one should ever take that much controll or even think that they have it. There are plenty other Cna's out there that would be more of a fit for your situation. You ove it to your Mother to make sure this person is a open minded and loving person. Look for signals....Is she in a rush to get you out? Is she quick with you Mother's care? How clean does she come to work.? Your are a family and it is to be an honor to be part of it no matter what and that's your mommy take controll ... Been a cna for a long time... maryjlan Mon, 26 May 2008 13:21:30 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-mothers-caregiver-is-too-controlling-and-wont-take-direction-from-us http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/my-mothers-caregiver-is-too-controlling-and-wont-take-direction-from-us/comments Which is worse? Needing care or having to provide care. Many of the tensions of caregiving could be eased with better planning. SchaferLTC Thu, 22 May 2008 06:54:50 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-father-seems-interested-in-moving-in-with-me-and-i-dont-want-him-to http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/my-father-seems-interested-in-moving-in-with-me-and-i-dont-want-him-to/comments Don't let this happen to your children. Plan early. Save. Invest. Insure. SchaferLTC Thu, 22 May 2008 06:53:37 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-father-seems-interested-in-moving-in-with-me-and-i-dont-want-him-to http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/my-father-seems-interested-in-moving-in-with-me-and-i-dont-want-him-to/comments Make this the reason that you plan for the eventuality of needing care. Don't do to your children what your mother has put your through. Plan early. Save. Invest. Insure. SchaferLTC Thu, 22 May 2008 06:51:07 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-mothers-growing-needs-are-putting-a-strain-on-my-marriage-and-i-find-myself-wondering-which-will-fall-apart-first-her-my-marriage-or-me-what-can-i-do http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/my-mothers-growing-needs-are-putting-a-strain-on-my-marriage-and-i-find-myself-wondering-which-will-fall-apart-first-her-my-marriage-or-me-what-can-i-do/comments I feel that if the mother issued a DNR when she was alright, it should be honored. But the family should be willing to take her to a medical facility. My experience is that medical facilities will do what is best, And anyone who is not a medical professional can not make that decision. Anonymous Tue, 20 May 2008 14:54:35 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-mother-has-asked-not-to-be-resuscitated-if-she-has-a-medical-crisis-but-my-siblings-disagree-on-what-constitutes-a-medical-crisis http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/my-mother-has-asked-not-to-be-resuscitated-if-she-has-a-medical-crisis-but-my-siblings-disagree-on-what-constitutes-a-medical-crisis/comments My mom asked to be cremated as well, and my sister and I would not have done anything except for what she wanted. There was a funeral and she was cremated after the service. missval Fri, 09 May 2008 01:10:59 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/help-my-moms-in-hospice-and-my-sister-and-i-are-arguing-about-her-funeral http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/help-my-moms-in-hospice-and-my-sister-and-i-are-arguing-about-her-funeral/comments This is so tough when you feel two sides tugging at you who are in the middle. Sometimes there are definite drawbacks to being able to see both sides of a situation - makes it even harder for you to "pick a side" when you know both of them are hurting. I would agree with most of the advice, except I don't believe anything is to be gained by telling Mom that you "need to put your marriage FIRST." There's no need to make her feel that she is somehow a second-class citizen in your affections. Simply tell her that you've been spending so much time with her that -- as much as you love those times together -- other family members aren't getting their needed share of your attention, and that you have responsibilities to them also. And as much as we hate to think about it, our time with anyone is not guaranteed on this earth. It's logical to think that your Mom deserves most of your attention since her health is not good. But loved ones are taken from our lives for many reasons -- sometimes abruptly. You'd be just as devastated to find that you had denied some last moments with your husband or children because you just assumed they would be here long after your mother is gone. That realization makes it easier for me to balance my attentions when I'm tempted to give all my free time to only one person. Poem-Lover Thu, 08 May 2008 07:08:16 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-mothers-growing-needs-are-putting-a-strain-on-my-marriage-and-i-find-myself-wondering-which-will-fall-apart-first-her-my-marriage-or-me-what-can-i-do http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/my-mothers-growing-needs-are-putting-a-strain-on-my-marriage-and-i-find-myself-wondering-which-will-fall-apart-first-her-my-marriage-or-me-what-can-i-do/comments I worked as a caregiver to a older man money wasnt a problem but he always wanted to marry me or leave all to me i was honest but the gambling the machine dont care try to get a caregiver outside the familey to work with her i know first hand i done more with my boss and he thought we were friends more than a working couple we became b est friends and i keep him active each day where he would live a long life now my mom has this so i see both sides ,good luck littlebit10 Thu, 08 May 2008 01:25:16 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-mother-is-gambling-away-every-last-penny-and-her-financial-independence-what-should-i-do http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/my-mother-is-gambling-away-every-last-penny-and-her-financial-independence-what-should-i-do/comments Very good advice! I hope Mother Jackie follows it right now and can make some progress in getting her marriage "back on track". Her story is similar in some ways to my situation, except that we had to take in my husband's 87 year old mother in, after she fell and had her shoulder replaced. I wish I would have heeded the above great advice 2 years ago when we moved her in to our home. We have been married now for almost 18 years and unfortunately, have grown apart. This started happening 2 years ago, shortly after becoming her caregivers. I still have strong feelings of anger, frustration, resentment and wish for the way things were a few years ago. We don't have the finances for counseling or for increasing the caregiver's current 4 hours a week. I know I need to have another big "talk" with my husband, but am dreading it very much, as the first one about his mom, ended in an emotional and heated argument...our 1st one in 17 years. I do try to do things for my sanity when I can, but I still feel like an unhappy prisoner in my own home. I know we have a responsibility to take care of our ailing parents, but where is the semi-happy medium?? (I work 40-50 hours myself and also have my own parents that are close to 80 yrs. old. My husband lost his dad and older brother, before his mom had her bad fall, so he does not have any family support, other than from me.) I do belong to a caregiver's support group that meets twice a month, which has helped me to vent among others that are going through similar feelings and caregiving situations. Kona Tue, 29 Apr 2008 19:24:04 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-mothers-growing-needs-are-putting-a-strain-on-my-marriage-and-i-find-myself-wondering-which-will-fall-apart-first-her-my-marriage-or-me-what-can-i-do http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/my-mothers-growing-needs-are-putting-a-strain-on-my-marriage-and-i-find-myself-wondering-which-will-fall-apart-first-her-my-marriage-or-me-what-can-i-do/comments Thank you for the advice. My mother requires a lot of attention and I need the support to keep my husband first when I can. MotherJackie Tue, 29 Apr 2008 14:02:28 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-mothers-growing-needs-are-putting-a-strain-on-my-marriage-and-i-find-myself-wondering-which-will-fall-apart-first-her-my-marriage-or-me-what-can-i-do http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/my-mothers-growing-needs-are-putting-a-strain-on-my-marriage-and-i-find-myself-wondering-which-will-fall-apart-first-her-my-marriage-or-me-what-can-i-do/comments It's your mom who is dying, not you. You should be abiding by her dying wishes out of respect for her!!! Spend the time you are arguing about in a more productive way, like quality time with your mom and doing something to make her day a little brighter. She would, I'm sure, do that for you. Carla Sun, 27 Apr 2008 20:45:42 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/help-my-moms-in-hospice-and-my-sister-and-i-are-arguing-about-her-funeral http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/help-my-moms-in-hospice-and-my-sister-and-i-are-arguing-about-her-funeral/comments Yes, this was a great response to a question that seems to be more common these days. Children have to be strong and you need to talk to others and weigh the pros and cons of taking in a frail parent. My husband and I took in his 87 year old mom after her husband and only other son passed away. It has been a very long and frustrating 2 1/2 years of caring for her in our home. It has changed our lives dramatically, not for the better. After she had a few falls, it has become even more difficult. Money is an issue, so assisted care for her is not affordable. She says if we put her in a nursing home, she will starve herself to death first. I could go on for hours, but thank you for allowing me to vent and thanks for addressing a great question so well. Kona Thu, 24 Apr 2008 01:43:40 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-father-seems-interested-in-moving-in-with-me-and-i-dont-want-him-to http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/my-father-seems-interested-in-moving-in-with-me-and-i-dont-want-him-to/comments It is nice to know that some children care about there father enought to help his second wife with him. My hubands children where more concerned about his money. They convinced him I was going to put him in a nurseing home and take his money. So he had to divorce me. So now he sits home alone his children have guardenship.He can not understand why I am not there. He did not think a divorce would make a difference in his life. Alzheimer is a awful disease no one should have to go it alone. Carr Wed, 23 Apr 2008 02:44:40 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/dads-new-wife http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/dads-new-wife/comments A compromise is very easy: have calling hours and then a cremation with a ceremony after that. Calling hours allow the friends to help family members begin the healing process. Limited calling hours, for example: one day from 4 to 8 pm is sufficient. Wed, 09 Apr 2008 17:58:00 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/help-my-moms-in-hospice-and-my-sister-and-i-are-arguing-about-her-funeral http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/help-my-moms-in-hospice-and-my-sister-and-i-are-arguing-about-her-funeral/comments I agree with last two ladies - give us what we want or asked for, period. gee Tue, 08 Apr 2008 23:47:09 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/help-my-moms-in-hospice-and-my-sister-and-i-are-arguing-about-her-funeral http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/help-my-moms-in-hospice-and-my-sister-and-i-are-arguing-about-her-funeral/comments This is an excellent response to a common and thorny issue. I agree that honesty is best. And remembering that you should not create scenarios that you can't live with. I can relate to the feelings of guilt for not offering to have my mother live with me and my family, but I know that I can still be a great caregiver even is she is not under my roof. Tue, 08 Apr 2008 18:56:24 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-father-seems-interested-in-moving-in-with-me-and-i-dont-want-him-to http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/my-father-seems-interested-in-moving-in-with-me-and-i-dont-want-him-to/comments Get a grip on yourself! If your mom didn't want to be covered up with dirt when she was capable of thinking....why would she change her mind now? My codicial to my will states not only that I shall be cremated, but allows $2,000 for a big party and not a funeral! That sounds like a far, far better time than standing around smelling flowers and hearing sad music! Give your mom a break here. Sat, 29 Mar 2008 12:14:07 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/help-my-moms-in-hospice-and-my-sister-and-i-are-arguing-about-her-funeral http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/help-my-moms-in-hospice-and-my-sister-and-i-are-arguing-about-her-funeral/comments Have heard that AIDS is getting quite prevelant in assisted living groups....you might want to advise the mom to bring a condom if she is planning to visit him! Sat, 29 Mar 2008 12:09:22 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/dad-with-alzheimers-falls-in-love http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/dad-with-alzheimers-falls-in-love/comments My mother and I talked many times about what she would like and I followed what she wanted no matter what anyone else thought. I think the final loving act you can do is do what your Mom wants done. I really felt that she would have been very happy and at peace with all of her requests done as she wanted.-The apple don't fall far from the tree. Fri, 28 Mar 2008 07:36:28 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/help-my-moms-in-hospice-and-my-sister-and-i-are-arguing-about-her-funeral http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/help-my-moms-in-hospice-and-my-sister-and-i-are-arguing-about-her-funeral/comments My father and his brother went through this recently with my grandpa. The sibling who has the parent living with them feels like they have the most say - even if it contradicts what the parent might have said in the past. Pat Sat, 22 Mar 2008 22:11:14 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/help-my-moms-in-hospice-and-my-sister-and-i-are-arguing-about-her-funeral http://www.caring.com/blog_posts/help-my-moms-in-hospice-and-my-sister-and-i-are-arguing-about-her-funeral/comments