http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor en-us 60 I am 62 years old. I am a diabetic. I am on Namenda for memory. It also helps with my Diabetes. I take a lot of medicine for Chronic pain due to a back injury. This includes Ambien. My Dr. says according to my test I have a Cognitive memory loss. I forget the middle of things. It seems to be getting worse. An exemple is a Friend told me to go to the libary and get a Cd called Keeping Faith to listen to when I went on a trip. I wrote down Keeping Faith . Later I had no memory of this at all. I can not remember names of people in my quilting club that I should know, or the middle of a page in a book. I have read. I can not quilt a pattern any longer. I do not understand how to read the pattern. I can not follow instructions because I will remember the beginning but forget the middle and maybe remember the ending of the instruction. Have you heard of this type of dementia? How long before The middle forgetfullness catches up with both the front memory and back memory? Any ideas you can give me for a support group also would be appreciated. I was told I do not have alhemilhmers. BrendaKay Tue, 17 Nov 2009 17:29:43 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/mom-cant-live-alone-but-blows-off-my-attempts-to-help http://www.caring.com/blogs/mom-cant-live-alone-but-blows-off-my-attempts-to-help/comments my husband was diagnosed on 10/31/2008 with stage 4 liver cancer (hcc) - he had hepatitis c for 20 years prior to being diagnosed with liver cancer. when he was diagnosed we went thru 2 months of looking for treatment options from resection, transplant, etc - unfortunately he was not a candidate for either and was very coldly told by our transplant specialist he had maybe 1 yr. We went thru several 'second' opinions only to be told by each one that the 1 yr was being optimistic. I can happily say - today my husband and i celebrated our daughters 4th birthday together with her! - A dr although very well educated can not tell you when your life will end, only you and your higher power can decide that. Please talk to your oncologist and ask him to help you with a mental health professional who can work with your husband. The minute i felt my husband was falling into a depression and would start talking negatively about his illness - I had his Dr recommend a professional who can help us. Since that time we have had open and honest conversations about life, his illness, his wishes for our daughter and even his wishes in the event he can't make medical decisons for himself. - - although we know any treatments are pallative we work everyday to find ways to extend his life. We also appreciate everyday we have together, the good ones and the bad ones. He has been hospitalized 2 times in the last 3 months - each time he thanks me for being there unconditionally for him and all I can do is remind him that I am there to fight this disease WITH him everyday. - - Please reassure him you will be there for him every minute of everyday. - Don't allow anyone to tell you when he will be gone - I now think about the days wasted worring about the day that has not arrived! Simply appreciate eachother for everything you provide eachother every day. Give thanks for every morning he awakes next to you. Since his diagnoses last year i don't go anywhere without my digital camera/recorder - all of those special moments are now on video for my daugher and i to share later. - Bless you and your family in this difficult time. If I can be of any support please feel free to contact me pcacevedo@snet.net - It helps to know we are not fighting this alone and to rely on someone who understands what you are going thru. livingwithcancer Sun, 15 Nov 2009 02:14:09 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/suicidal-tendency-in-spouse http://www.caring.com/blogs/suicidal-tendency-in-spouse/comments Great answer. I think that with the safety issue, you can get your Mom a FotoDialer. It will allow her to easily call for help even if she is frazzled in an emergency. It connects into her existing analog phone. There are 24 wallet sized photos in her FotoDialer where she can just dial people/places by pressing a button next to their photograph. This is not a cure-all answer, but I think it may help her have more connection with you, more self reliance, and the ability to call for help in an emergency. http://www.FotoDialer.com JoeE71 Thu, 12 Nov 2009 20:25:43 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/mom-cant-live-alone-but-blows-off-my-attempts-to-help http://www.caring.com/blogs/mom-cant-live-alone-but-blows-off-my-attempts-to-help/comments I know how you feel. The visiting sister probably feels guilty that she isn't doing her share for their Mom even though she can't due to living far away. This guilt makes her feel like she has to show everyone that she's concerned by taking over. The best idea I read so far is send her an e-mail a week or so before she arrives and tell that "since she doesn't get to see Mom that often" she is being assigned some of the care duties while she's there so they can spend more time together. I bet she'll stop bossing you around when she fnds out how hard it is and maybe look at you with a new respect for all you're doing! .Lizzy Thu, 12 Nov 2009 18:36:25 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-know-it-all-sister-will-be-here-for-ten-days-at-christmas-and-i-can-already-feel-my-stress-level-rising http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-know-it-all-sister-will-be-here-for-ten-days-at-christmas-and-i-can-already-feel-my-stress-level-rising/comments .Lizzy Thu, 12 Nov 2009 18:29:10 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-know-it-all-sister-will-be-here-for-ten-days-at-christmas-and-i-can-already-feel-my-stress-level-rising http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-know-it-all-sister-will-be-here-for-ten-days-at-christmas-and-i-can-already-feel-my-stress-level-rising/comments Thank you for this insightful answer. I, too, am dealing with this type of situation. Becoming the parent is never easy, and I find responses like these helpful. Noodlecakes Thu, 12 Nov 2009 16:03:06 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/mom-cant-live-alone-but-blows-off-my-attempts-to-help http://www.caring.com/blogs/mom-cant-live-alone-but-blows-off-my-attempts-to-help/comments How about considering a 2 or 3-day vacation while the sister is there, giving the sister the full responsibility for just a short time? It would probably make the sister appreciate more what goes into daily care. And maybe if she thinks she'll be the primary caregiver for a few days when she comes, she will shorten her visits! Anonymous Thu, 12 Nov 2009 15:24:45 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-know-it-all-sister-will-be-here-for-ten-days-at-christmas-and-i-can-already-feel-my-stress-level-rising http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-know-it-all-sister-will-be-here-for-ten-days-at-christmas-and-i-can-already-feel-my-stress-level-rising/comments No one can convince you that you are doing the right thing but YOU. No amount of platitudes or well-meaning friends can do it, and you can't rush it. I know, Guilt is my middle name. My 95 yo mother is back in rehab for the 4th time, this time with compression fractures in her back. I know she is a little confused from pain meds [she's usually clear as a bell]. Not that she's above a little guilt-inducing behavior ordinarally, but when I tried to leave this afternoon, she cried and cried and begged me to stay, or call her a cab, but please don't leave her there, she'll die, etc, etc, etc.I finally just left, I felt that the longer I stayed, I was just postponing the inevitable. I know she can't come home, she can't even stand up. So yes I feel terrible, but I have to go to work in the AM and I have a husband and dog to hang out with. I just have to learn how to dealwith it sop832 Thu, 05 Nov 2009 22:40:49 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/im-wracked-with-guilt-for-enjoying-life-again-now-that-my-husband-is-in-a-care-home http://www.caring.com/blogs/im-wracked-with-guilt-for-enjoying-life-again-now-that-my-husband-is-in-a-care-home/comments What an excellent topic. I thought the poster was writing about me, - except I'm not quite at the point of actually enjoying life. I'm still mourning a spouse who isn't dead yet, and I mourn the dreams we had for our future together. However, after 2 yrs of full time care giving, I felt relief when my husband was admitted to a skilled facility 2 months ago. Prior to the stroke that caused his recent admittance, I was physically and emotionally exhausted. I didn't realize it until now, but all my attention and energies have been focused on him. In the last few weeks I have begun reconnecting with my church and church groups. It feels wonderful. His doctors and the facility social worker say that he can not come home again unless we have an additional FT care worker. My husband has traumatic brain injury induced Alzheimer's. Now is impulsive and a danger to himself and me at home. I understand the poster's ambivalent feelings. When I'm home alone at night, I miss his company terribly. But when his therapists told him this week that he might be ready to return home soon, I felt panicky. I also understand her feelings of guilt. Prior to his recent admitance, all meals were planned around his diet, - soft or puree-able foods. Last night I had crispy shrimp, and recently had my first steak in over two years. My husband begs me to bring him home and can't understand why I can't. This is heart breaking. However, he has cut down on the many daily phone calls, - which is encouraging. I still visit him daily. Yesterday, I spent my birthday at the nursing home. Last night, after walking our dog, and bringing in the groceries, I still had to make dinner and complete unfinished medicaid LTC documentation. It occurred to me just how much of a F.T. job it is for me just to take care of myself, our pet, and our home. Now that the pressure is off, I realize just how hard it had become for me. I can't imagine how I could resume his FT care at home again. I feel guilt and also relief. cmacp Thu, 05 Nov 2009 16:05:29 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/im-wracked-with-guilt-for-enjoying-life-again-now-that-my-husband-is-in-a-care-home http://www.caring.com/blogs/im-wracked-with-guilt-for-enjoying-life-again-now-that-my-husband-is-in-a-care-home/comments I have finally reached the decision to end contact with my two siblings. One is always angry with me and hateful, which I recently learned goes back to our childhood years and possible sibling issues surrounding my being adopted. The other sibling has been distant at best; when I tried to encourage more involvement with our parents, he never responded, but allowed his wife to pour venom on me about "guilting" him. I finally realized after prayer and counseling that these issues are actually their problems, not mine. If they refuse to deal with them or get help to heal them, there is nothing I can do except limit their effect upon me and my family. My parents live in a suite in my home, so "ending" contact is, in reality, just limiting contact, as I will not ever interfere with them visiting our parents. So, ending contact for my situation means not reaching out to them, not replying to e-mails/calls, and being gone or otherwise occupied when I know they are coming to visit our parents. (That's not too difficult, since one visits maybe once a week, and the other only a few times a year.) This will be the first holiday season where I do not rearrange my own family's schedule to accomodate my siblings' desire to "celebrate" on a day other than the holiday (usually the day after the holiday). I discussed this with my parents, because my only regret would be hurting them. However, they saw what was happening years before I did, and are amazingly supportive of my decision to break free of this pain. It is not an easy decision, nor one to be undertaken lightly. Anyone considering this should take time, seek counseling, and be prepared to confront their own fault in the breakdown. I had to face that some things I said and did inflamed the situation with my siblings. For our situation, I've learned the best thing I can do at this point is end contact. I am praying that this will not be permanent, but have accepted that it needs to be at least long-term. 3Generations Sun, 01 Nov 2009 15:02:05 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/ending-sibling-relationship http://www.caring.com/blogs/ending-sibling-relationship/comments It's hard to add more to the previous response but another suggestion is to let the staff at the home know about his behavior (calling 10 times a day). They can be very helpful in checking on him, redirecting him, etc. They can also be invaluable in providing guidance and counsel to you. An Alzheimer's support group can also help you deal with your feelings. Bless you for all you've done to take good care of your husband. Now, it's time to take care of you. Janice Bird Sun, 01 Nov 2009 14:43:33 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/im-wracked-with-guilt-for-enjoying-life-again-now-that-my-husband-is-in-a-care-home http://www.caring.com/blogs/im-wracked-with-guilt-for-enjoying-life-again-now-that-my-husband-is-in-a-care-home/comments this site is so important,they give us all a chance to vent,to share and surport each other.to no i am not alone,wow.Im glad I found this site.Alzheimers sure does put a lot on us.my mom at nite time,makes me crazy.sundowning is whhat its called.they cry become more confused.cry more become by far more hateful.mom starts around 4p.m acting very mad,begins to cuss at me.crys without end.this continues until shes in bed.this may be hours.i believe its because she wants to go home, an it appears I wont take her.mom is at home.she fights me all the way.for some reason shes scared to set down to go potty? I have to pull her downward to sit.Then she screems out loud,like a bad movie.My wish is mom would feel safe,an feel the love around her.But then, that would not be alzeimers.then she crys herself to sleep.other family members need to realize,caregivers need caregiving.we need others to care for us,help to give us a break.so we can continue to give the best care for those we are caring for.But people fall into being too comfortable in the fact they dont have to take care of this person,an forget about what we the caregivers my need.so Im glad we are here together,supporting one another. VENUS venus Wed, 28 Oct 2009 12:19:02 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/rude-behavior-from-alzheimers http://www.caring.com/blogs/rude-behavior-from-alzheimers/comments I,m so angry with my sister I am the caregiver of my mom who is in great shape at 86 and still works however she still needs things done for her and my sister does nothing or I should say makes promises of the things she is going to do and then you never hear about any of it again and my mom and I are left disappointed and I lose my temper if my 86 yr old mother can see her she has to drive 45miles through the city and go see them she pays for dinners brings in groceries did her laundry when she could and then constantly talks only about her and family and how wonderful they are they do nothing and i am angry I told her, shamed her in to coming and picking her up today wow!!!! mom was impressed give me a break she constantly takes and gives nothing in return and has her whole life i just realized that she treats friends better than her family and is always lying angry sister Sun, 25 Oct 2009 19:07:25 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/ending-sibling-relationship http://www.caring.com/blogs/ending-sibling-relationship/comments Hi Carol, So sad to read through your story. It is obviously so complicated a subject. Try to do something indeed and try to be self-protected from any possible harm to your own self. You don't know how a depressed person could possibly act or react. But, don't show that you are scared as that may aggravate the situation. Try to be so calm and alert. Tell him refreshing stories about your love and that you don’t want to lose his companionship as a result of an intentional act. Tell him that as God gave us lives, we should keep our souls as a sacred property of our own until God Takes Back His Trust. Encourage him to make use of every single minute of his life in writing a Novel, for example, to be as a special reference for his kids and beloved ones. There is always a hope side by side to any despairing matter. We just need to bravely decide upon managing such challenges. Best Luck. yusra Sun, 25 Oct 2009 07:31:53 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/suicidal-tendency-in-spouse http://www.caring.com/blogs/suicidal-tendency-in-spouse/comments Lot's of great ideas, but how about splitting the chores with your sister, with you handling those that can be done long distance (money management; coordinating the health care, pet care, and home repair). Since your Mom has been paying for you to fly down there, offer to pay your sister for taking over some of the things that HAVE to be done at your Mom's location. How old are your sister's children - can they help with small chores, thus allowing for lowering the time needed by an outside caregiver and lowering that cost? My sister lives 600 miles away from me, and last March we moved our parents here to an independent living facility (two meals a day, apt. cleaned for them, misc other services). When the time comes, my sister will take over the financial part of our parent's life, as that can be done long distance. I handle the 'emergencies' and visit them often, and talk on the phone with them often. I coordinate the Dr. appointments and go to each one. My sister and I speak frequently, and she comes down about once a quarter to visit both them and myself. It helps knowing that I'm part of team and that she can step in to be the 'bad' guy if needed. Best wishes on balancing what you need. Take care of you and your job, as those are as important as taking care of a difficult situation. CA-Claire Thu, 15 Oct 2009 15:20:07 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-sister-wont-care-for-mom-even-though-she-lives-in-the-same-town-i-do-everything-but-i-live-800-miles-away http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-sister-wont-care-for-mom-even-though-she-lives-in-the-same-town-i-do-everything-but-i-live-800-miles-away/comments another great option is Home Instead. I don't advocate your sisters behavior but I can understand it. After a full day in a nursing home then dealing with a limited spouse the last thing I wanted to do was do more caregiving! An Hour 4 Me Thu, 15 Oct 2009 14:29:40 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-sister-wont-care-for-mom-even-though-she-lives-in-the-same-town-i-do-everything-but-i-live-800-miles-away http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-sister-wont-care-for-mom-even-though-she-lives-in-the-same-town-i-do-everything-but-i-live-800-miles-away/comments Great post Carol, Have you considered and in-home care company. This might be a more cost effective and local solution that could get to your mom on a regular basis. I would recommend Right at Home, we are a nationwide network of caregivers with background checks and training. If you want to learn more, check out our blog at www.rightathome.net/seniorhomecare. Best, Bill RightatHome Wed, 14 Oct 2009 16:05:30 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-sister-wont-care-for-mom-even-though-she-lives-in-the-same-town-i-do-everything-but-i-live-800-miles-away http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-sister-wont-care-for-mom-even-though-she-lives-in-the-same-town-i-do-everything-but-i-live-800-miles-away/comments Sometimes you have to just get out of the situation! You have to follow through, too. Making idle threats tends to lead them to believe you're just 'blowin' off steam' & won't take you seriously. I went through 10 yrs. w/ husband. I, finally, had to take action! Spockula Sat, 10 Oct 2009 05:32:27 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/im-your-classic-burned-out-caregiver-and-dont-know-how-much-longer-i-can-do-this http://www.caring.com/blogs/im-your-classic-burned-out-caregiver-and-dont-know-how-much-longer-i-can-do-this/comments Go visit care homes in your area. Call your local health authority and enlist thier help. Go to your doctor and your M-i-l's doctor and enlist thier help. Tell them you need a respite break at the very least. Put your M-I-L in respite care for a minimum of 2 weeks--with or without your husbands help.Let him know you are doing this and if he refuses to consider it just do it anyway. Refuse to argue with him about this till the end of the respite. Breathe deeply for those couple of weeks and let your shouldors go back to the bottom of your neck rather than up beside your ears.You don't have to go on a holiday, maybe you just need to have a nap, have a massage, get your hair done--read a lirary book without interuption. If you'vehadMom nnkidsfor 17 years you might just njoyour home. At the end of that time, and a very short time it is, call a family meeting. Let hem all know how you feel. Thank your husband & sons for stepping up to the plate for you. Tell the extended family you need and i emphasize need thier help, and see what you can plan out together. At the very least you have a break and perhaps both you and your husband will be able to see the value of a care home. And as an aside, tell your kids to do what is right for the occassion when your time comes--don't be bond by a promise made years ago while you were in a moment of fearing the aging process. ckh Fri, 09 Oct 2009 18:12:24 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/im-your-classic-burned-out-caregiver-and-dont-know-how-much-longer-i-can-do-this http://www.caring.com/blogs/im-your-classic-burned-out-caregiver-and-dont-know-how-much-longer-i-can-do-this/comments I agree with Caregiver Expert...you should be ready to pack your bags...maybe you can get to know your sons in a new way. Your husband is prioritizing the wrong woman...it should be and should have been you all these years. ladl77 Fri, 09 Oct 2009 15:07:21 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/im-your-classic-burned-out-caregiver-and-dont-know-how-much-longer-i-can-do-this http://www.caring.com/blogs/im-your-classic-burned-out-caregiver-and-dont-know-how-much-longer-i-can-do-this/comments I would like to point out two important points the original poster did not make clear enough (at least for me.) TWO THINGS NEEDING CHANGING: 1) THE SON HAS TO LEAVE, and 2) THE DAUGHTERS NEED TO STOP SENDING MONEY TO THEIR BROTHER. Period. The daughters should IMMEDIATELY BEGIN sending that money to THEIR MOTHER so she can hire the Caregiving Aide of HER CHOICE. (A great source for help is often the family's church community, local nursing schools, etc.) Also, the mother should establish relationships with MORE THAN ONE AIDE so that if one aide is ill, needs to go on vacation etc, the safety net is already in place... An added benefit is that it will help the husband become accustomed to receiving care from a variety of people. If the daughters want to continue helping their brother AS WELL (AFTER he moves out of the parents' home,) that is THEIR CHOICE, but the money FIRST should CONTINUE TO GO TO PROVIDING AID AND RELIEF FOR THEIR MOTHER. Sorry to be a stickler for detail, but the devil is ALWAYS IN the DETAILS. Additionally, the parents need to serve the son with a FORMAL eviction notice and contact local law enforcement to inform them of the eviction by providing a copy of the notice. Local law enforcement officers (who, I suspect, are already far more familiar with the son than the parents realize...) will be the ones enforcing the eviction action if the son turns out to be too much of a jerk to just move out... Good luck! GALOWA Fri, 09 Oct 2009 01:57:56 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/mooch-for-a-son http://www.caring.com/blogs/mooch-for-a-son/comments God love you for all you do. If it doesn't kill you, you will be so strong that NOTHING will faze you! sop832 Thu, 08 Oct 2009 19:01:51 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/mooch-for-a-son http://www.caring.com/blogs/mooch-for-a-son/comments I agree with Carol O'Dell's advice and also suggest for the wife (who is the real caregiver here) that she look at http://wellspouse.org, the Well Spouse Association. It's a group offering emotional support to husbands, wives or partners of persons with chronic illness and/or disability. Wellspouse Thu, 08 Oct 2009 14:07:00 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/mooch-for-a-son http://www.caring.com/blogs/mooch-for-a-son/comments Listen to the advice given very carefully my dear! I was caregiver 65 yrs out of my 70 yr. life & am now too broken down to enjoy any form of life. My wonderful husband fell right into the trap of careing for both our families & he too has been disabled for the past 13 yrs. following a 26 yr. illness & death.of our youngest son. Our heart was in the right place, but it will kill you! Just celebrated our 55th Wedding Anniversary & are just as much in love as the day we met, we are truly blessed. Should have set aside time for ourselves & two wonderful sons instead of caring for & adopting children who are nothing but ingrates to us now. There are narcistic personalities in most every family who will drain every ounce of life from one & never look back. Demanding a life for yourself is not selfish, it's a blessing from God & if others choose not to make the right choices it isn't our obligation to do it for them. I pray you find peace & (Get a life!) Liquid Blue Mon, 05 Oct 2009 13:32:11 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/im-your-classic-burned-out-caregiver-and-dont-know-how-much-longer-i-can-do-this http://www.caring.com/blogs/im-your-classic-burned-out-caregiver-and-dont-know-how-much-longer-i-can-do-this/comments I want to thank all of you that have posted to this site. I have been reading all the thoughts, feelings that each and everyone one of you have as well as what you are experiencing. I thank you for all of you have saved my sanity and my life. I placed my mother into what I was told a Alzheimers Assisted living 3 days ago, yes folks I did the duty the move and yes it is catastrohic for her, however she made it 1 1/2 days in the center and they called me at 10:30 at night to come get her they couldn't handle her. So here we are today her living with me. And like most of you I have not had the closest relationship with my mother for her emotional, verbally and sometimes physically abusivenesses coupled with manipulation is alive and well just as when I was a kid. I tell people yes my mother has Alzheimers and yes through it I am living back in my childhoold at the age of 48. Taking this on 4 years ago I myself have almost lost everything from my job to my business to relationships. I take 1 day at a time, and minute by minute, I am depressed and suffer from anxiety but my dr also has uped my medication. Tomorrow I am checking out a locked facility for my mother, and if all goes well I will do the move again. It is not just for my sake but for hers as well. I have but duty, ego aside and made the decision to keep on doing the best thing for her and myself. And that is to put her where she will get the care she needs. But I couldn't have lasted the last 4 years without all of you on this site. I thank you I appreciate all of you and will keep you posted on my journey. Sheri Sat, 03 Oct 2009 17:47:58 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/rude-behavior-from-alzheimers http://www.caring.com/blogs/rude-behavior-from-alzheimers/comments As a family caregiver expert with more than twenty years experience in the field, there is a lot more to be said here than meets the eyes. If she has been doing this for 17 years and has 3 teenage sons, they have been substantially impacted by family caregiving – directly and indirectly. Each of the kids has had more than 10 years of active family caregiving. The loss of mom to burnout – means the loss of mom in a normal role – soccer mom, scouts, and sports activities. Plus the responsibilities of grandmother have been delegated and legislated without much explanation. From the time frame and the age of the kids, this event looks like it literally happened from the time they returned from their honeymoon. Was seventeen years of this responsibility inserted into the marriage vows? Her husband made the “pledge” to mom not her. This woman hasn’t had a normal day in all of her marriage. This isn’t a cry for help this needs to be a declaration of independence. This woman and her children have sacrificed almost two decades to two very selfish people her husband (their father) and his mother (their grandmother). The idea that at this point he could get angry when the subject gets raised says that there is little marriage to be retrieved. Anyone who truly needs 7/24 care for a decade either didn’t need it in the first place or has been treated in a location and with people who can truly no longer meet her needs. No to be funny, but this is “abuse by the elderly”. This is way beyond a ‘family intervention”. The brother and sister-in-law gave up having a dog in this fight a generation ago. She needs to tell her husband “mom goes” or, “I go.” I doubt that romance in this relationship could be rekindled with a blow torch and the lost childhood of the sons can never be redeemed. Too often the pledge of “no nursing home” becomes the “curse” of family normalcy. caregiver expert Sat, 03 Oct 2009 14:58:06 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/im-your-classic-burned-out-caregiver-and-dont-know-how-much-longer-i-can-do-this http://www.caring.com/blogs/im-your-classic-burned-out-caregiver-and-dont-know-how-much-longer-i-can-do-this/comments all of the advise give has been really good. what the family advisor said is right on point! when my mother got sick, a series of mini strokes rendered her basically helpless. i went into care-taker mood and stayed there until she died about 14 months later. the first 6-8 months i was driving to my parents home (one hour away) every week and staying 2 days. as she became sicker i stayed longer and longer, and when i came home i only stayed one day maybe two and then back to mom. i never gave it a second thought, i just did it. my husband "said" it was fine, he understood, it was ok to go etc.. we had no children, he could care for himself. HA! that's what all narcissus say and we all have a little bit of narcissus in us. the longer i continued to care for mom, the more resentful he became, jealous, envious, bitter, lonely. it took a heavy toll on the marriage. when my father became ill a few years later, once again it was all up to me. it was too much for hubby to deal with. even though i was very carefull with how much time i spent with dad, i devoted as much time as possible with my husband. we were still working on healing the marriage. too late, the damage had already been done. we have now been divorced for 2 yrs. i hope you took the advise of the family advisor and put a limit on your time with mom. your priority is your husband and children! blessings to your family :-) betsiv Tue, 29 Sep 2009 17:33:31 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-mothers-growing-needs-are-putting-a-strain-on-my-marriage-and-i-find-myself-wondering-which-will-fall-apart-first-her-my-marriage-or-me-what-can-i-do http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-mothers-growing-needs-are-putting-a-strain-on-my-marriage-and-i-find-myself-wondering-which-will-fall-apart-first-her-my-marriage-or-me-what-can-i-do/comments All of us kids (10 of us!) got all our old and favorite pictures together and we scanned the old ones and got together our digital ones and put them all on on a digital photo frame for our 85 year old mother. It has an automatic slide show feature so she never has to do anything to it. I don't think anything else we have ever given her was appreciated as much as the photo frame. This would be a good gift for someone who is mostly unrepsonsive as it could be placed within view and who knows-they might see alot more than we know even if they don't or can't say so. SandraP3 Tue, 29 Sep 2009 14:46:07 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/gift-for-sick-parents http://www.caring.com/blogs/gift-for-sick-parents/comments As an eldercare advisor, I often see this situation where an adult child who is not capable of making it on his/her own becomes the default caregiver because he needs a place to live, can't manage finances etc. I completely agree with the advise of giving him a deadline to move out. With everything on your plate, you don't need to be caring for your son as well. Eldercoach Sun, 27 Sep 2009 19:06:02 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/mooch-for-a-son http://www.caring.com/blogs/mooch-for-a-son/comments Our adult children have lived with us over and over. both have drug problems and one is an alcoholic. their father had renal failure twice last year and i suffer with lupus. we got them moved out of our home last time and now we have less to worry about than when they lived with us. we are also taking care of my mother-in-law who has severe parkinson's and alzheimer's disease. now that it is just the two of us, we can take care of her, and each other, much better. we also found that my mother-in-law really needed full time nursing care and is much happier at a nice nursing home in our community where we often visit her. sometimes "help" is really just more work. Della Sat, 26 Sep 2009 08:58:22 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/mooch-for-a-son http://www.caring.com/blogs/mooch-for-a-son/comments Ending my relationship with my siblings was one of the rare good decisions that I have made in my adult life. I am much more mentally healthy without them in my lives. As long as you can still see your mother (mother-in-law) and give her your own type of care and love that's all that matters. Anonymous Fri, 25 Sep 2009 21:57:02 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/ending-sibling-relationship http://www.caring.com/blogs/ending-sibling-relationship/comments Dear Quincy, consider yourself on my daily prayer list. My heart goes out to you because of personal empathy but one can't allow themself to be dragged through a moment's misery by those who obviously never had any consideration for you in the first place. If they refuse your love it's their loss. I pray you make some true friends who will be there for you. Anonymous Wed, 23 Sep 2009 02:07:27 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/ending-sibling-relationship http://www.caring.com/blogs/ending-sibling-relationship/comments My husband had two siblings.During his illness and death, only one sibling seemed to care. The other sibling has no contact with me and will not call, since the services. They forgot my birhday, no holiday cards, no calls and no concern. Quincy Sat, 19 Sep 2009 19:02:15 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/ending-sibling-relationship http://www.caring.com/blogs/ending-sibling-relationship/comments BOTTOM LINE - ABUSE IS ABUSE. whether your parent is doing it to you or you are doing it to him... if you can't find a way to HANDLE IT or STOP IT, you have the right and the obligation to remove it from your life. when i took responsibility for my mother, she was repetitious, demanding, an insomniac, and physically aggressive. at one point she came after me with a butcher knife. i contacted her NEUROLOGIST, who prescribed an anti-psychotic she takes at bedtime. it makes her sleep through the night and makes her compliant and MANAGEABLE. without SEROQUEL, my mother could not live with my family. (i would probably become violent!!!) with regard to inappropriate behaviours - we TREAT them as inappropriate behaviours. my mother often acts like a naughty child, and when she does, she gets treated like one! when she is obnoxious and irritating - especially with any HINT that she is doing it intentionally - i escort her to her room and tell her to stay there. she can watch tv, sleep, or stare at the wall, but when she "forgets" and comes out again, i remind her of what she did and take her back to her room. when my mother does things that make caregiving impossible the other approach i use is to remind her that the ONLY thing standing between her and a NURSING HOME is ME. THIS my mother gets RIGHT AWAY, and she ALWAYS chooses her cozy life with my family, and becomes compliant. YOU are important and deserving of the same level of care your parent receives from you. make sure YOUR NEEDS can be met and YOU ARE CARED FOR before you try to care for someone else. NOT EVERYONE IS CUT OUT TO BE A CAREGIVER. NOT EVERYBODY IS COMPLIANT ENOUGH TO BE CARED FOR AT HOME. but that is okay, because YOU are NOT REQUIRED to be a caregiver. if the person you care for makes the situation impossible for you, you have the right to a caregiver's divorce. you have the right to say "i cannot and will not continue." and then you do what is necessary to make it happen... GALOWA Wed, 16 Sep 2009 06:48:34 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/rude-behavior-from-alzheimers http://www.caring.com/blogs/rude-behavior-from-alzheimers/comments The best advice I think, when all other things do NOT work is to walk out of the room and if you can, out of the house. If you cannot leave him/her alone, go into the bathroom and lock the door. Bring a radio in with you and play it loudly enough to drown out the sound of the ill person's voice. Take a shower if you can. The sound of the water will certainly "drown" out other noises. Bring a cell phone in with you and call someone who is sympathetic & can distract you and make you laugh. Alzheimer patients go through various stages and you can hope that the worst stage will pass, soon! Bribe family members to take over for just two hours or so and get OUT. Go to a movie with a friend, learn to play Bridge or some other game that involves other people, play a sport, swim at the Y; there are a lot of things you can do to save your sanity. And when you take it out on your loved one, remember: he/she wont remember! You will unfortunately. So take care of yourself and you will be a better caregiver. ERP Tue, 15 Sep 2009 23:33:36 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/rude-behavior-from-alzheimers http://www.caring.com/blogs/rude-behavior-from-alzheimers/comments I really wish I could find solice in these "you'll be glad you had these days with him" kind of comments, but I'm not so sure. Right now, I'm putting a box around a lot of what I do for him, treating it almost clinically in an effort to preserve my sanity. I fear I will only remember these days in the disease, and not the days when we did a lot of did together. I lost a six figure job because my focus was on him the past four years getting his situation in order, instead of maintaining a focus on my work, client relationships and internal employer relationships. The endless calls at work, rearranging client meetings to run over to his house, and running ragged to prep his house for sale took their toll. Now instead of being able to place him in an assisted living center, I'm stuck with an 86 year old roommate for purely financial reasons - I need his income in addition to unemployment to keep my house and pay bills. Yes, it may be better for him, but I have no life. I've already made up my mind that my job search and any future employment will need to take priority regardless of where my dad is in his disease, or I'll end up in worse shape than him when my time comes.At least his house was paid for and he has a pension. I've been wiped out. As long as he is reasonably high functioning, I'm finding that a local adult day care that works with varying dementia patients has been a god send. Their staff and I are working through some of his 'anxiety attacks' triggered by arthritis pain, which mimic heart attacks, so we aren't calling EMTs three times a week. I will be the only way I can reclaim my life and career while I'm still young enough to enjoy it, and still know he is in good hands during the work day. I know most of the care givers who post selflessly give up their lives, their homes and finances, but you absolutely can't lose yourself to this disease in addition to losing your parent. Caregiver anger comes from giving and not replenishing your soul and your sense of self - and your bank account. It's even harder if you had/have a professional life or career: most of us boomers 'are' our jobs; and if you're single and live alone by choice as much as circumstance, your parent suddenly forces you to be an unwilling and unhappy parent to a childlike elderly parent. I don't think any care giver should feel guilty about anger, about wishing at least once a day it would be over, about putting their parent in a nursing home instead of continuing home care . . . it think it goes with the territory. Becoming co-dependent, feeling as though you're only worth is as a care giver, that's the stuff that will put you in a grave before you know it. Anonymous Tue, 15 Sep 2009 21:57:36 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/rude-behavior-from-alzheimers http://www.caring.com/blogs/rude-behavior-from-alzheimers/comments I am so going through this right now. My mother and I never had a close relationship..so, I am now having a hard time taking care of my mother-in-law. I love her dearly, but, think I have now reached the point where I just don't have it in me to put up with the fights, the defiance, the physical abuse she is now showing towards the outside help we have hired. If we try to make her do what is right and safe for her, she becomes so argumentative with everyone. She pouts when she doesn't get her way and then wants to leave the house and live somewhere else. lol No one else in the family has volunteered to even take her for a day, let alone to have her move in with them. I'm really leaning towards putting her in a home, yet, its something I promised her I wouldn't do when she first moved in. I feel like its a constant battle with her to get her to do the least little thing. I have tried all the things on this page to make things better. They were for the first few months...not now. I know I am depressed now and I have had my doctor increase my anti-depressant due to this. I don't want to up the dosage again. I understand that all of this is due to her "ailment", but, this is so hard to deal with on a day in, day out basis. I'm venting now and I so appreciate the opportunity this site affords me, I'm just really down right now. I feel trapped. Other than the help that I finally insisted on, no one else helps, including my husband (her son). She doesn't pull these things on him or when he's around. Sigh. Onto another round now. Free time is over. Sigh. Journey002 Tue, 15 Sep 2009 20:55:40 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/rude-behavior-from-alzheimers http://www.caring.com/blogs/rude-behavior-from-alzheimers/comments I have a similar situation to the author of this article. My mother was domineering, manipulative and insensitive. Made for a difficult relationship that became more challenging with her dementia. I had to develop a caustic sense of humor to survive. Especially watching those theatrical tantrums that became more over-the-top the older she got. Some days finding the humor is more difficult, but truly, the situation is so tragic you have to find a way to laugh to get through each day. I also have stacks of comedy CDs, DVDs and books that are life preservers during this turbulent phase of life. doforanimals Tue, 15 Sep 2009 17:53:18 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/rude-behavior-from-alzheimers http://www.caring.com/blogs/rude-behavior-from-alzheimers/comments I believe the ability to handle your relationship with a parent now relates to the one you had earlier in life. My mother and I never had a good relationship, and added to that, she has a personality quirkiness that only adds to the difficulties of her dementia now. My parents took care of my grandmother with no help until she passed at 105, and she was physically in great shape, and easy-going. I'm trying to continue this ideology, though I am only one, and with a parent with such attributes as my mother, it's the biggest challenge of my life. The suggestions posted here are great, and have done some of them, take one day at a time, and pray. krod Tue, 15 Sep 2009 15:26:08 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/rude-behavior-from-alzheimers http://www.caring.com/blogs/rude-behavior-from-alzheimers/comments Samo-Samo... my Mom gets me into circle questions every morning, like a loop playing in her head. I end up having to explain everything (her money , or lack thereof, her storage, and that she can no longer afford to pay for things she hasn't looked at in over a year, how her cell phone works, yes Mom, you can call to OK and it doesn't cost any more than you already pay, then back to her money... how much her income is, where it comes from, where it goes to... on and on... She's going into a home in 2 weeks even though she really doesn't need to be in one... I'm just done. No help from siblings and can't afford outside help. Even though I will be penniless, jobless and basically homeless I'll have my sanity back. That's all I need to be able to take take of the rest. polaristar Tue, 15 Sep 2009 14:33:35 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/rude-behavior-from-alzheimers http://www.caring.com/blogs/rude-behavior-from-alzheimers/comments I can totally relate and I know things are going to get worse for my mom & I know I shouldn't get upset with her. Sometimes, I yell. Sometimes, I cry & sometimes, I laugh. I am guessing it is all part of the process. It is part of grieveing. Our loved ones are not the same people that we had in the past and it is very difficult. DMJ Tue, 15 Sep 2009 14:27:09 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/rude-behavior-from-alzheimers http://www.caring.com/blogs/rude-behavior-from-alzheimers/comments My experience with my mother was very similar. I found that the more I learned about Alzheimer's through Web sites and others with loved one's with the disease, the better I handled things. One area I found that I was at fault was that I corrected my mother. In retrospect, I can see where constantly hearing you are wrong would be very frustrating. Once I learned to exist in HER reality a little bit, things improved tremendously. It is a difficult uphill climb, however, I have found that Alzheimer stages pass just like growth stages of children - and pretty soon your Dad will be in the next stage and a whole different set of problems will arise. Keep learning and researching the disease - knowledge is your best defense. Good Luck. LRDarrah Tue, 15 Sep 2009 14:20:42 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/rude-behavior-from-alzheimers http://www.caring.com/blogs/rude-behavior-from-alzheimers/comments OMG! This is the situation with my mom but I have 4 little ones at home and I am divorced. Tue, 15 Sep 2009 14:12:21 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/rude-behavior-from-alzheimers http://www.caring.com/blogs/rude-behavior-from-alzheimers/comments This is how feel from time to time also. Yes, Mother is a hand full but we manage and she is in the best place she can be at this time, home with her loved ones. Rendezvous 747 Sun, 13 Sep 2009 20:53:19 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/rude-behavior-from-alzheimers http://www.caring.com/blogs/rude-behavior-from-alzheimers/comments My mother had dementia I tried to look after her. also my brother. 24 hrs a day care is too much for anyone. but she settled into a care home . she did not recognise us so she could not miss us. octoman Tue, 08 Sep 2009 17:06:55 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/deciding-to-end-treatment http://www.caring.com/blogs/deciding-to-end-treatment/comments I hope you will be able to contact your sister and speak directly with her about the time surrounding your mother's death. If you can join each other in grieving and appreciating your mother's life it may be a great gift for both of you. It sounds as if you have made some assumptions about the communication around the time of your mother's stroke...what you said may be true, but when life and death are happening there are many levels converging around a caregiver(s). Your sister may have simply been overwhelmed and not able to make the calls that were needed, and may seem obvious in retrospect. This has happened to me at the time of my mother's death-- I did not commmunicate quickly enough with everyone in the few days before she died. Please take time to feel the love and affirmation of all the supportive people around you, including this web community. Turning Institute Mon, 07 Sep 2009 04:42:15 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/too-late-to-say-goodbye http://www.caring.com/blogs/too-late-to-say-goodbye/comments With all my heart I sympathize with your decision. I was in a similar situation, but fortunately my sopuse and i had made our Health Care Living Will so the decisions were made pe his request. Due tio his advanced Alzheimers/Dementia he could not habe made the decisions for himself. wits end Sun, 06 Sep 2009 16:40:54 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/deciding-to-end-treatment http://www.caring.com/blogs/deciding-to-end-treatment/comments A prayer and hug for you: Isaiah 40:31 "But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as EAGLES they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint" BloodBought357 Fri, 04 Sep 2009 13:30:29 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/too-late-to-say-goodbye http://www.caring.com/blogs/too-late-to-say-goodbye/comments I had the same thing happen to me but under different circumstances. The person I was wronged by was a step-mother that was never very close to me any way; this did not help the feelings. I had to move on so I did use some of the suggestions given here. It still took a long time. The reason for the length on time was my refusal to talk to my step-mother. When you don't give people a chance to forgive you for possible hurts you have done to them you yourself have a hard time forgiving and with out forgiveness there is almost no closure. Get in touch with your sister and talk it out. As you said you and her have no one else now, don't let this drive a wedge between you. Life is too short. BloodBought357 Fri, 04 Sep 2009 12:41:45 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/too-late-to-say-goodbye http://www.caring.com/blogs/too-late-to-say-goodbye/comments I can understand your resentment... However in a very real sense it only hurts you... It appears that your brother dosen't care and I know that is hard for you to understand... I have much the same situation. My parents are 85 and 82, my older sister appears to be oblivious to their situation. I am their caregiver and would not change that. It just seems hard to understand when someone dosen't care. I do think that some men have trouble with identifying their feelings and dealing with them. I do not have anything against men I have 3 sons and a husband I love dearly however they are wired differantly emotionally as well as physically... take care and know that your Dad loves you, even if he can't tell you now... Jaye Thu, 03 Sep 2009 15:22:45 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/too-late-to-say-goodbye http://www.caring.com/blogs/too-late-to-say-goodbye/comments Is it possible that your sister did not realize your Mom was going to die. I am not making excuses for her it is just a thought. I understand that you feel hurt, but it will not change anything for you. I would encourage you to forgive your sister (I have two sisters) and try to say pay tribute to your Mom by doing something positive. Plant a tree or rose bush in her honor. Contribute to a favorite charity of hers. Volunteer at a senior center. Those are just a few ideas that come to me... take care and know that your Mom is not suffering anymore. God Bless, J Jaye Thu, 03 Sep 2009 15:14:36 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/too-late-to-say-goodbye http://www.caring.com/blogs/too-late-to-say-goodbye/comments Excellent answer. I wonder if the poster was in good communication with her mother and sister before her Mom had the stroke. Did she make an effort to stay in touch and visit after she moved away? I have one brother, living 2 hours from me and our Dad, who isn't in touch AT ALL, and doesn't return my phone calls. When my Dad dies, I will let him know, but beyond that, I am not leaving any more updates on his answering machine until we actually speak to each other. My Dad is 88, is in a SNF near me, and has end-stage Alzheimer's. I have been his caregiver for the past several years. Do I have a little resentment against my brother??? You bet. Anonymous Wed, 02 Sep 2009 15:13:34 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/too-late-to-say-goodbye http://www.caring.com/blogs/too-late-to-say-goodbye/comments I am in a similar situation with my mother in law. She has lived with me for 17 yrs. In the last 10 she has become totaly dependant on me. She requires 24/7 care. With only the help of my husband and my three teenage sons, I have been able to keep her at home. My husband has always promised her he'd never put her in the nursing home. However, it has come to a point in my life where I cannot physically or mentally continue staying at home with her. My sister in law won't help nor will my brother in law. Everytime I talk to my husband about the issue, he becomes angry with me and just doesn't understand why I would want to do this to his mom. I am your clasic burnout caregiver and don't know how much longer I can do this. How do I help my husband soften to the idea of moving her to a nursing home? I'm so tired, depressed and lonely. Just tired of fighting this issue by myself. pamalakay Fri, 28 Aug 2009 19:46:05 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-sister-wont-forgive-me-for-breaking-a-promise-to-our-dad-that-wed-never-put-him-in-a-care-facility http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-sister-wont-forgive-me-for-breaking-a-promise-to-our-dad-that-wed-never-put-him-in-a-care-facility/comments Excellent information. I retired recently after 17+ years work with hospice. Each patient and family member has to handle the experience personally in their own time and on their own terms but the support of hospice is phenomenal. My own mother became a patient at my hospice in her last year of life and even I grappled with the guilt and questions that I had spoken to hundreds of others about during their journey. It is difficult but I know it is what she wanted and it gave us quality time we would not have had without the hospice interventions. Hospice does not mean you are giving up - it just means you have made the choice to let life take its' natural course and will have the support of a myriad of caring, supportive people to walk with you on your journey. GrannyB Sun, 09 Aug 2009 13:44:57 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/dying-from-cancer http://www.caring.com/blogs/dying-from-cancer/comments Thanks for a great share and for the answer as well. My mother is in her 70's and is working but I am still always concerned about her. Your personal perspective has helped me to relax. You do have to think of yourself. It's wonderful for a grandmother to be in her grandchildren's lives but you don't have to be a servant either. It seems that a happy medium is in order. Having your own life as well as being a part of your daughter's and grandchildren's lives also. If you don't want to move in, so be it. Stay in your own home and things will work out somehow. Anonymous Sat, 01 Aug 2009 21:50:11 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/i-dont-want-to-move-in-with-my-adult-child-how-do-i-say-this-without-hurting-her-feelings http://www.caring.com/blogs/i-dont-want-to-move-in-with-my-adult-child-how-do-i-say-this-without-hurting-her-feelings/comments The expert has given you some helpful advice and the family counseling is also a good idea! You need to do something sooner, rather than later. Why did your husband feel the need to take her in? Can she live independently or does she have some medical issues? Does he have other siblings? When you speak to him, keep even tempered and be a good listener. Don't use this time to complain about the things she does that upset you, because you will appear jealous and uncaring. Hopefully, after a good long talk with him, you can come to some solutions or a compromise. We had to take my mother-in-law in to our home for almost 4 years, but she is 88 and has health issues. We just transferred her out to a board and care home recently, because she started falling more and requires 24 hr. care now. It was a very tough 4 years and a lot of damage was done to our marriage... I hope you do not have to go through something similar. My husband lost his father and brother, so there were not many options for us. I had joined a caregiving support group and had talked to a professional counselor, which helped me get through it. Best of luck to you! Anonymous Thu, 30 Jul 2009 20:07:00 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-mother-in-law-needs-to-have-her-own-place-rather-than-live-with-us-but-my-husband-disagrees http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-mother-in-law-needs-to-have-her-own-place-rather-than-live-with-us-but-my-husband-disagrees/comments Sounds like family counceling time to me. How did she happen to live with you to begin with? You need time to grow your marriage, enjoy your child and have the pleasure of forming your own family routines. You didn't mention if she is ill. Who did her marry anyway? Anonymous Thu, 23 Jul 2009 06:44:37 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-mother-in-law-needs-to-have-her-own-place-rather-than-live-with-us-but-my-husband-disagrees http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-mother-in-law-needs-to-have-her-own-place-rather-than-live-with-us-but-my-husband-disagrees/comments I agree with the preceeding, however, possibly mentioning to the daughter that you really want to remain her mother's friend and that caregiving beyond..... (whatever you choose to take on)is something you feel will put a strain on that relationship. The doctor should be able to order nursing care for her, there are buses in most cities for the handicapped and elderly and an ad in the local paper might find a willing mom, college or older high school student willing to run errands for her. Anonymous Thu, 23 Jul 2009 06:37:51 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/im-afraid-ive-become-a-caregiver-by-default http://www.caring.com/blogs/im-afraid-ive-become-a-caregiver-by-default/comments Your family (not your mother) comes first. Your husband needs you, whether or not he expresses this, and your teens are at high risk of getting into trouble if you neglect them. Destroying your family's life is probably the last thing your mother would want, if she were able to think about it. Get some scheduled help with your mother immediately. Puddlejumper Mon, 20 Jul 2009 16:11:45 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-mothers-growing-needs-are-putting-a-strain-on-my-marriage-and-i-find-myself-wondering-which-will-fall-apart-first-her-my-marriage-or-me-what-can-i-do http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-mothers-growing-needs-are-putting-a-strain-on-my-marriage-and-i-find-myself-wondering-which-will-fall-apart-first-her-my-marriage-or-me-what-can-i-do/comments Only 2 years married, this is your life, good luck! msmaddog Sun, 05 Jul 2009 15:37:52 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-mother-in-law-needs-to-have-her-own-place-rather-than-live-with-us-but-my-husband-disagrees http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-mother-in-law-needs-to-have-her-own-place-rather-than-live-with-us-but-my-husband-disagrees/comments May try to show some love/affection first if she reciprocates will win a help full friend. Lost something; may try to give her the idea that she means more then an object. If don’t work do what you need to do; try to avoid the soaring up your husband’s mind. She is her mom never forget that. Complaining may get him confused and may loose the affection he has for you and a happy family life may become illusive. Where as if with a little patience and not complaining he may figure out his mother is jealous and may begin to look for a solution himself. Will be better for all of you. Anonymous Sun, 05 Jul 2009 03:05:53 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-mother-in-law-needs-to-have-her-own-place-rather-than-live-with-us-but-my-husband-disagrees http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-mother-in-law-needs-to-have-her-own-place-rather-than-live-with-us-but-my-husband-disagrees/comments My father exhibited this behavior when his multi-infarct dementia reached a critical stage. He was given Tagamet, a drug intended for ulcers, but which reduces libido as a side effect. It worked. Gigi4 Mon, 29 Jun 2009 11:20:37 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-husbands-dementia-causes-him-to-make-sexual-advances-toward-strangers-and-other-family-members-and-its-turning-me-off-from-wanting-to-be-his-caregiver http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-husbands-dementia-causes-him-to-make-sexual-advances-toward-strangers-and-other-family-members-and-its-turning-me-off-from-wanting-to-be-his-caregiver/comments This was helpful advise. I am going through the same thing with my mom. My dad died last December and my Mom explodes at me when she is angry. I'm trying to get her to let her anger out in healthy ways not just at me. I want her to join some type of work out class or group where she can express her self. If anyone has any advise on how to get her to one of these types of classes I am all ears. It is very hard to be the family punching bag. Anonymous Wed, 17 Jun 2009 20:13:13 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/ever-since-my-dad-died-mom-reads-negativity-into-everything-and-explodes-at-me-after-she-vents-shes-fine http://www.caring.com/blogs/ever-since-my-dad-died-mom-reads-negativity-into-everything-and-explodes-at-me-after-she-vents-shes-fine/comments I’m 21, and am 1 of 4 siblings in my family.. My parents got divorced 11 years ago and ever since I could remember, my dad has had an anger problem.. He runs a national business, he’s very hyperactive, and loves to help people especially financially.. If you met my dad, he appears to be very nice and fun to go out with but you can’t let him fool you. He would love to get a chance to help you in any way shape or form to “show off” it seems.. what he’s really doing is kind of setting a trap almost.. He has taken everyone in his personal life and bribed them with money and a job making it sound like the perfect lifestyle having lots of vacations and ect: but the thing is that he uses it against people in the future, he feels that we don’t give him what he deserves in return.. therefore he gets angry.. very angry.. it’s not just that, that makes him mad but its everything. He’s like a perfectionist and if something is not done his way, he blows up once he blows up, he screams so loud, cursing, accusing, making fun of people, threatens our jobs… he’s the most controlling person I know.. if we mention anything about him getting mad or about how he needs to deal with stress differently,, it gets worse.. Nobody wants to try and help him because, we all work for him.. My brother who is almost 20 just got out of the hospital of 5 days suffering from depression and anxiety which I believe was caused by my dad from getting yelled at all his life for everything.. Since then, my dad still yells at him and makes fun of him for his anxiety, him being a loser, not helping my dad in certain things which is the worst thing to do to someone that is suffering from depression and anxiety.. especially to your son. He’s the scariest person on the planet.. I start shaking every time he starts to call me on the phone or is on his way in to work..I think it’s a mix of like bi polar disorder, anger management, anxiety.. My grandpa suffered from depression and was a very angry man in his younger years as well.. Somebody please help me and tell me what to do.. how to approach him with help.. He’s killing all of us slowly especially himself.. He’s been the main reason why are family is growing further away from each other.. Please let me know what I have to do.. I’m begging. Collin Tue, 09 Jun 2009 15:08:24 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/i-think-my-husband-is-using-caregiving-as-an-excuse-to-distance-himself-from-our-marriage http://www.caring.com/blogs/i-think-my-husband-is-using-caregiving-as-an-excuse-to-distance-himself-from-our-marriage/comments I have 4 siblings who basically rely on me to take care of mom who lives with me. I have done ALL the things you suggested as well as confronting her & my brother-who-hung-the-moon & lives 700 mi away about her giving him an open charge card. Nothing has chgd. I think you're right to say that there's no benefit in carrying around anger/resentment. I also think that mothers, in general, need to be aware of their tendency to indulge their male children. Its unhealthy & seems to get worse the older everyone gets. Having children myself, I've been very aware of this while raising them. Sun, 31 May 2009 15:39:14 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/im-so-angry-at-how-mom-fawns-over-my-brother-the-superhero-who-swoops-in-while-i-do-the-grunt-work-of-caregiving http://www.caring.com/blogs/im-so-angry-at-how-mom-fawns-over-my-brother-the-superhero-who-swoops-in-while-i-do-the-grunt-work-of-caregiving/comments A good family mediator or counselor could listen to everyone's views and help facilitate communication between the siblings and help create a plan for mom's care. I also would suggest a respite, a break or vacation for the daughter - a change to rejuvenate can works miracles. cardsblossom Fri, 22 May 2009 04:02:46 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/im-so-angry-at-how-mom-fawns-over-my-brother-the-superhero-who-swoops-in-while-i-do-the-grunt-work-of-caregiving http://www.caring.com/blogs/im-so-angry-at-how-mom-fawns-over-my-brother-the-superhero-who-swoops-in-while-i-do-the-grunt-work-of-caregiving/comments I really commend your efforts taking care of your mother. Everyone always says take the high road-however, no one talks about how dusty & dirty one can get. Your mom took care of you while you were just a kid just think of it as giving back. That dude calling off the wedding needs to be dropped from your brain. Don't waste energy thinking about him, girlfriend. Life is not easy, and when a little hiccup he runs for the hills! He could have gotten on board by cleaning, repairing cars, etc. He should have been a team player, and you could have worked together/spent time helping. Enabling mom to reap the rewards of two instead of just one person. You are entiled to a life. But, to get tired/complain is only human. I know because i gave up my life to come stay with my mother. She is 83. I sooo understand. Steal a few moments for yourself daily. Keep your head up & find your bliss. Best Wishes. Lenorasdaughter Tue, 19 May 2009 21:34:28 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-fianc-broke-off-our-engagement-because-he-said-caring-for-my-mom-has-taken-over-my-life http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-fianc-broke-off-our-engagement-because-he-said-caring-for-my-mom-has-taken-over-my-life/comments I am the beneficiary in a similar situation. I am fortunate to have these two who want to care for me. Of course there are times when each feels the other isn't doing his/her share, their schedules conflict, or they simply feel under-appreciated. These are the same sort of things that occurred when they were children; they haven't changed who they are. He has provided a home & tries to keep it up; she'll give him a hand when its feasible. She does everything for me from personal care to taking care of the household; he comes at times to take over, when she needs a break. My biggest fear is that one or both will suffer burnout. At the present time, I don't have to worry about meals, clean clothes, transportation, getting meds as ordered, or anything else. If they get angry with each other occasionally, I hope they let each other know, so they can work it out - just as they always have. For the most part they are loving, cooperative siblings who strive to put "Mom" first. How lucky I am! Anonymous Thu, 14 May 2009 05:08:20 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/im-so-angry-at-how-mom-fawns-over-my-brother-the-superhero-who-swoops-in-while-i-do-the-grunt-work-of-caregiving http://www.caring.com/blogs/im-so-angry-at-how-mom-fawns-over-my-brother-the-superhero-who-swoops-in-while-i-do-the-grunt-work-of-caregiving/comments The suggestion to write down your feelings are good. However, it does not change the fact that another sibling is is not holding up their part of the deal. I'm in the same situation, my brother does nothing, but my mom thinks he is wonderful and I take her to doctor appt, shop for her, laundry, etc. I lost a very well paying job becuase I was spending too much time taking her to doctor appts. I have asked my brother to use some of his vaction, like I have over the past few years, to help, but he won't. I guess he thinks that daughters are suppose to help thier parents. Anonymous Wed, 13 May 2009 01:18:25 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/im-so-angry-at-how-mom-fawns-over-my-brother-the-superhero-who-swoops-in-while-i-do-the-grunt-work-of-caregiving http://www.caring.com/blogs/im-so-angry-at-how-mom-fawns-over-my-brother-the-superhero-who-swoops-in-while-i-do-the-grunt-work-of-caregiving/comments The suggestion to write your feelings down without censoring them is good. It's important however to do more than just recognize what the "game" is but to "call" the game (say out loud what is going on, directly). We need to speak the truth in order to take care of ourselves, regardless of the fallout. Write out your anger first, process it, and then decide whats the best way to speak your truth, calmly and without being angry or defensive. Anonymous Tue, 12 May 2009 14:33:17 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/im-so-angry-at-how-mom-fawns-over-my-brother-the-superhero-who-swoops-in-while-i-do-the-grunt-work-of-caregiving http://www.caring.com/blogs/im-so-angry-at-how-mom-fawns-over-my-brother-the-superhero-who-swoops-in-while-i-do-the-grunt-work-of-caregiving/comments I broke off my relationship with my mother after 47 years of constant abuse by her. I have never felt better. I have healed and am happy for the first time in my life. She will never change but I am entitled to be happy, she chose by her personal choices to not be a part of it. I wish her no ill will but her issues are her own, I will not own them. lovscrttrs Sat, 09 May 2009 01:58:43 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-sister-says-ill-regret-cutting-off-my-father-but-i-think-ive-earned-the-right-to-protect-myself http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-sister-says-ill-regret-cutting-off-my-father-but-i-think-ive-earned-the-right-to-protect-myself/comments Dear Carol et al, This could have been written about my situation, except I am the dead beat sister. I have chronic depression with episodes of major depression and take medications and am in therapy. I am 48 and have never held a job for an entire year. I feel terrible about being such a drain on the whole family. I suspect that my folks should not be helping me, but am kept in the dark about most things especially finances as I have never been able to manage myself. I know my older brother resents me, but my younger brother tells me not to worry. In my worst moments I know that my family would be better off with out me and my depression. In my best moments, I try to find ways to earn money. I have been denied SS three times though my Doctor says I should be eligible. I don't know if my brothers are helping my folks financially, but I know that my older brother would receive a much larger inheritance if I were able to support myself. Anonymous Wed, 06 May 2009 15:59:12 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/i-do-all-the-caregiving-for-my-parents-while-my-deadbeat-sister-takes-all-their-money http://www.caring.com/blogs/i-do-all-the-caregiving-for-my-parents-while-my-deadbeat-sister-takes-all-their-money/comments amen to comment 1, is little sister going to share the load when mom and pop are really broke and a real burden. i hate nto soun d cold but daddy needs to be cared for by baby sister and other sister needs toget a life!! msmaddog Wed, 06 May 2009 03:23:13 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/i-do-all-the-caregiving-for-my-parents-while-my-deadbeat-sister-takes-all-their-money http://www.caring.com/blogs/i-do-all-the-caregiving-for-my-parents-while-my-deadbeat-sister-takes-all-their-money/comments I'm not sure I understand this advice at all. My husband simply TOLD his parents he was hurt and upset that they seemed to think it was fair for them to give his sister all of their money while just assuming he would get all of the bills. They snapped alert and suddenly recognized this was completely unfair...had he said nothing, they said, they would have simply assumed he was okay with the arrangement. Unless the parents are mentally impaired, there is no reason to expect them to want to be dead weight on one of their children. Caretakers have a responsibility to speak up to their own parents and not be the family doormat. Tue, 05 May 2009 16:57:14 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/i-do-all-the-caregiving-for-my-parents-while-my-deadbeat-sister-takes-all-their-money http://www.caring.com/blogs/i-do-all-the-caregiving-for-my-parents-while-my-deadbeat-sister-takes-all-their-money/comments Perhaps if they moved together to an assisted living facility, he could live with her and have the help he needs with her care close at hand. I have relatives who have chosen options of the sort. It is something to look into especially for the progressive living. I understand such places are not in every community and are pricey, but when averaging the cost of maintaining a home and keeping a loved one in a NH it be doable. Just a thought of a way out if it gets to him, or a possible discussion for her to feel like this move isn't the end of their lives as a couple. Their home could be rented out for income and if it doesn't work, he has a place to come back to. daughter ann Tue, 28 Apr 2009 19:51:30 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/mom-is-guilt-tripping-poor-dad http://www.caring.com/blogs/mom-is-guilt-tripping-poor-dad/comments Well being a cancer survivor I do understand the amount of time required from others. I understand how it is to think you might be dying more than ever. I lost my father to cancer and two great friends also. I can understand exactly what your saying and truthfully can you blame your husband for wanting to stay at work. I would imagine there are days when you would love to be anywhere besides at home or the doctors. But thank god for people that are strong enough and have time enough to spend what is most likely the last few months of a loved ones life. Its so very scary to think you may die for most people, I can't imagine it alone. I come from a family of eight and got 75% of my help from one sister and it was more than she could handle even though she did swell. My son didn't call write or visit, oh and he lives less than 20miles away, gee I must have failed as father of the year or maybe just because I divorced his mother. You truly find out who your friends are at these times and who really cares. Suprisingly and it is a big suprise who really cares if you die or not. I remember driving myself 60 miles a day for 6wks to radiation, and beleive me I won't ever forget it. Simply put its more than anyone person can handle. You should do as your husband says and have someone come in with your mom a couple sessions a week, if just to get groceries or shop. Its important for you to have time alone to gather your self also, as for what your doing can be almost as hard as the disease itself and I have heard of many people saying that. Your husband and you should have a dinner out weekly and maybe grab a motel or a stroll on a beach with a picnic basket and a blanket if money is hard now. You may be surprised what one night out could do. Of course anything you do for a few hours isn't really going to change the health problems your mom is having but may make the stress level going on in your family at the time a whole lot less. Hopefully you have great communications with your husband and for the matter your mom also, its so important to be able to talk and voice how you feel to your husband he is your support system. Knowing what each other feels can make all the difference in the world. No matter what its a real rough road for everybody so talk out your feelings, you all can do this without losing anything, chances are you will all gain alot of self-respect for doing the right thing. Hope some or part of this helps you. Tue, 21 Apr 2009 13:04:39 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-mothers-growing-needs-are-putting-a-strain-on-my-marriage-and-i-find-myself-wondering-which-will-fall-apart-first-her-my-marriage-or-me-what-can-i-do http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-mothers-growing-needs-are-putting-a-strain-on-my-marriage-and-i-find-myself-wondering-which-will-fall-apart-first-her-my-marriage-or-me-what-can-i-do/comments I broke off my relationship with my father about five years ago. He is in his mid 70's. Like your family, my siblings (and my mother) all grew up in fear of him and he never really stopped being abusive. Some elders do mellow and change but some do not. With some relationships there is really only one choice because you have to protect yourself. It can be sad and hard to stay away from an abusive parent but sometimes it is the only healthy answer. I remember reading a book about this very subject several years ago and the author, who herself had been an abused child, gave advice to adult children who have a bad relationship with an elderly parent in need. Her recommendation was that an adult child in this circumstance, do what was only absolutely necessary for the elderly parent and leave the rest to others who could take care of the elder more objectively. This way an adult child fulfills an obligation but is able to protect themselves and/or the elderly parent from an emotionally charged, possibly abusive situation. Anonymous Mon, 20 Apr 2009 21:37:26 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-sister-says-ill-regret-cutting-off-my-father-but-i-think-ive-earned-the-right-to-protect-myself http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-sister-says-ill-regret-cutting-off-my-father-but-i-think-ive-earned-the-right-to-protect-myself/comments I've had exactly the same experience, although my sister understood my need to cut things off with Dad. He was physically abusive to me as a child, and verbally abusive to me as an adult. I just couldn't take it anymore. I hung the phone on him during one of his insulting tirades, a didn't speak to him for a couple of years. That gave me time to heal. And it gave me back my power. I tried to talk to him about it once, and he dismissed me. So I gave up having a father/daughter relationship with him. After I forgave him for his behavior, I felt very much at peace. I recognized the problem was his; I wasn't the awful person he tried to make me believe I was. And his approval wasn't important. You have children, and can't afford to let him destroy them or your family.We all have a heavenly father who loves us more than even we can imagine. That's all any of us needs! legalady Thu, 16 Apr 2009 13:32:09 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-sister-says-ill-regret-cutting-off-my-father-but-i-think-ive-earned-the-right-to-protect-myself http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-sister-says-ill-regret-cutting-off-my-father-but-i-think-ive-earned-the-right-to-protect-myself/comments Regarding the son who has guardianship, the answer did not mention the difficulty of trying to overturn the appointment of a guardian. It definitely will require a skilled attorney to help you, as well as substantial evidence that the placement was inappropriate. Since 96% of the nations's nursing homes have been cited by the state and federal government for failing to meet all Medicare and Medicaid standards, you may have difficulty showing that any one is much worse than another, though some are notoriously horrible. Repeated violations, resulting in citations are what you are looking for in "research". It needs to be very specific. The citations are public record and can be found on the Dept. of Health Services in your state in some form referring to Licensing and Certification of nursing homes. Finally, the comments the son made about "teaching grandma a lesson" are tantamount to abuse. I would consult an attorney about that as soon as you can. In the meantime, if you plan to attempt to overturn a guardianship. which can be done if the evidence is sufficient to persuade the court, plan to spend a significant sum. It is a serious undertaking. Carolyn L. Rosenblatt, R.N., Attorney at Law, AgingParents.com. nurselawyer Thu, 09 Apr 2009 18:42:35 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/i-need-to-rescue-my-grandmother http://www.caring.com/blogs/i-need-to-rescue-my-grandmother/comments My mother who suffered from Alzheimers died this past December. She fell and broke her hip and needed a hip replacement. Her doctor determined she was too frail to make it through the surgery unless a feeding tube was put in. She said that even with a feeding tube her recovery would be nearly impossible and she would most likely be bedridden and have no quality of life. We made the difficult decision to let her die in peace. I would reccomend that you tell your brother that keeping her alive (with no quality of life) is the crime. My mother died in her own bed in her assisted living facility, with the aid of hospice. We were all with her and I can say as terrified as I was, she died very peacefully, without pain or tubes. It was honestly the first time since her Alzheimers began that she looked peaceful and unafraid. I will always love and miss her, but I feel we made the right decision for her. It is extremely hard to make the choice to let someone die, but the hospice team assured we were giving her a gift by letting her die without pain. She was on morphine and just died in her sleep, she did pass away fast, thankfully, in under two days. Good luck with your decision, is is very hard, but sometimes it's the only decision you can make. I believe that my mom is in heaven with loved ones around her instead of being a prisoner in her own body here on earth. Anonymous Thu, 02 Apr 2009 19:20:37 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/i-cant-convince-my-brother-to-let-our-mother-whos-in-the-late-stage-of-alzheimers-go-peacefully http://www.caring.com/blogs/i-cant-convince-my-brother-to-let-our-mother-whos-in-the-late-stage-of-alzheimers-go-peacefully/comments I am sure that you have been the best caregiver you can possibly be. Dealing with our elderly parents is one of, or the, most difficult thing we have to do in our lives. No one ever trained us for this, and we just go day to day doing whatever we can for them. In your situation, what happened happened, and it is certainly NOT your fault, and you need to rid yourself of needless guilt, in order to continue your own life in peace. If you need to, seek out counseling. I have found this to be extremely helpful in the most difficult times. Good luck to you, and give yourself a pat on the back for all the hours and devotion you have spent dealing with your father. Sometimes things just happen due to fate, so try to really give up all your negative feelings about this. Anonymous Tue, 31 Mar 2009 16:55:08 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-father-killed-someone-in-a-car-accident-and-i-cant-stop-blaming-myself-for-not-having-taken-away-his-keys-earlier http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-father-killed-someone-in-a-car-accident-and-i-cant-stop-blaming-myself-for-not-having-taken-away-his-keys-earlier/comments The fastest way for us to involve my aging parents was to ask them to attend an event their grandchildren were a part of. A church event, community event or high school event. My 88 year old mother could not wait to go to her youngest grandson's graduation from highschool even though she had not traveled out of her little town for almost three years. Grandchildren can be good motivators for an aging grandparent who is walking through major transitions. Our college age daugther was calling her grandmother once a week to chat on the phone. She would share her projects with her and even explained text messaging to her blind gramma! CMA Careman Tue, 24 Mar 2009 17:43:50 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-widowed-dad-lives-alone-and-isolates-himself-too-much http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-widowed-dad-lives-alone-and-isolates-himself-too-much/comments it is really hard to watch a loved one with alzims, i was with my grandmother and part of the care giving to help my mom out, grandma was so sad,i personally do not think that they should try to keep the person alive by tubes, it is jus 2 hard on the family and the person themselves, when grandma left this world she actually looked relived, but now i faced with my husband havin bone cancer, he has very much said NO CHEMO! even as much as i love him i will respect his wish, we all want the person we love 2 stay with us, but i dont want to watch the person i love suffer more than they have to, i have lost a few family memebers 2 cancer and alzimes, and 2 sons to S.I.D.S, so i no first hand that lasst breath and how much it hurts u inside,but it is something the family has to agree on so that no one ends up the bad person, but either way someone will be the wrong person, the way i deal is to tell myself that i was always there and have no regrets, but be careful about ur brothers wishes u could lose him as a brother my dad and his brother have not spoken in 23 years because of my grandfathers death, which was colon cancer, so good luck and pray that the family and u and ur brother can come to a agreement, some people need more time to say goodbye, god bless u kickmetoo Tue, 17 Mar 2009 13:58:36 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/i-cant-convince-my-brother-to-let-our-mother-whos-in-the-late-stage-of-alzheimers-go-peacefully http://www.caring.com/blogs/i-cant-convince-my-brother-to-let-our-mother-whos-in-the-late-stage-of-alzheimers-go-peacefully/comments our life is too precious. but then again, given the consequences,it's about choice. as long as no guilt feelings afterwards, then go on. but let me compare animals to this situation, the burden is too much when we found out our pet is dying. and not even medical intervention could save it. same as humans, we tend to carry on. it's a gift, a life ...... ponder this Tue, 17 Mar 2009 07:06:39 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/i-cant-convince-my-brother-to-let-our-mother-whos-in-the-late-stage-of-alzheimers-go-peacefully http://www.caring.com/blogs/i-cant-convince-my-brother-to-let-our-mother-whos-in-the-late-stage-of-alzheimers-go-peacefully/comments removal of a feeding tube under proper medical supervsion is not murder...the diease had consumed her to the point of not being able to substain the norishment the body needed to live..artifical feeding and hydration can also be cruel,and all factors need to be considered, patients wishes,quality of life etc..there are some very good articles on dying and artifical hydration to be found online. Hospice can also be very informative concerning this area.. Anonymous Tue, 17 Mar 2009 00:06:09 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/i-cant-convince-my-brother-to-let-our-mother-whos-in-the-late-stage-of-alzheimers-go-peacefully http://www.caring.com/blogs/i-cant-convince-my-brother-to-let-our-mother-whos-in-the-late-stage-of-alzheimers-go-peacefully/comments Denying another person food is considered cruel, and, if it results in death, murder charges usually are pursued. It is troubling to me how this basic fact gets tossed out the window for the elderly and infirmed. What a tremendous lesson the brother is teaching to his family on the proper care of our loved ones. The disease will consume her...why must it be rushed? Glovehead Mon, 16 Mar 2009 18:23:41 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/i-cant-convince-my-brother-to-let-our-mother-whos-in-the-late-stage-of-alzheimers-go-peacefully http://www.caring.com/blogs/i-cant-convince-my-brother-to-let-our-mother-whos-in-the-late-stage-of-alzheimers-go-peacefully/comments Another suggestion to help with the grieving is to volunteer with the eldery in your community. Volunteer driving the eldery to medical appointments or volunteer at a nearby nursing home or assisted living building. If you are grieving the caretaking role, then continue it by helping those in your community who might not have family nearby. There is always a need for this. sabelson Thu, 12 Mar 2009 22:39:10 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-moms-in-hospice-and-im-already-grieving-for-her-and-my-identity-as-a-caregiver http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-moms-in-hospice-and-im-already-grieving-for-her-and-my-identity-as-a-caregiver/comments This is a very relevant and timely article in 2009. One comment I would like to make is to respond to the idea of spending time with parents and developing a current relaltionship. I have not been able to do this with my mother because she simply won't change her outlook on life or me. She remains fixed or stuck with her past opinions and realities and even in the face of current facts, will not change. My siblings and myself have pointed out reality to her but it does no good. She is set in her ways and has no intention of helping herself. She will depend on someone else till the day she dies and that is that. She won't participate in any conversation to the contrary and won't contribute any common sense ideas. She has dumped her future care into our (my) lap and turned her back on being accountable or responsible for her welfare. My point being, that I am certain I am not the only person who finds themselves trying to follow your advise, only to be met by a brick wall and not many acceptable alternatives. Just wanted to share my experience with readers. Thu, 19 Feb 2009 19:54:15 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/i-feel-cornered-my-siblings-assume-ill-look-after-our-parents-simply-because-i-live-the-closest http://www.caring.com/blogs/i-feel-cornered-my-siblings-assume-ill-look-after-our-parents-simply-because-i-live-the-closest/comments This sounds exactly like my situation and it is really making me feel angry. I just found this article which may help:http://www.aoa.gov/prof/aoaprog/caregiver/caregiver.aspx It talks about conflicts in the family. Best wishes Anonymous Wed, 18 Feb 2009 23:06:59 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/i-feel-cornered-my-siblings-assume-ill-look-after-our-parents-simply-because-i-live-the-closest http://www.caring.com/blogs/i-feel-cornered-my-siblings-assume-ill-look-after-our-parents-simply-because-i-live-the-closest/comments My heart bleeds for you Carol. We (my siblings and I) had this same scenario with our mother. I had three sisters and brother at the start of my mothers dementia. On her "good days", she seemed fine. But as time went on, it was clear her dementia was worsening. My sister DA arranged to have a Visiting Nurse (VNA) come in daily to ensure my mom took her meds (coumadin was one). After a while, on her good day, she ordered the nurse not to waste an more time coming by to see her. Under the Laws of Massachusetts, the nurse had to obey. On her bad days . . who knows. My mom also was very frugal to keep the heat down as low as possible in Winter. My Sister FN came by to see her several times as week, but had her own semi-disabling health issues. My brother BE was already in a Nursing Home with brain damage and could not be of any help. Legally, if wwe tried to get involuntary guardianship, and she appeared on a "good day" .. forget it. My sister DA also prepared a weeks of meals in advance which only needed reheating. My mom had a gas stove, and soon became very clear from the blackened, encrusted post and pans that leaving the gas stove opearitive was not a good idea, so my sister DA removed the knobs and shut off the gas flow (valve behind the stove). Then the meals had to be a couple times a week. She had no community social life except attend church when she could. Finally, she had a stroke. We (my bride and I went to visit her), and we found her laying on the floor, completely incoherent and looked like she had Hypothermia from the chilled house. We called 911 and eventually was placed in a Nursing Home where she lived for another 7 years. (Medicaid became another thing, but we were very fortunate to have a local lawyer, with the local poor as clients, and practiced mostly Medicaid Law). Since we could not get total Guardianship, we obtained a health care guardianship, which gave us the means and access to her financial resources for her care. During the interim, two sisters and my brother passed away before my mother did. During that time, I worked for a Fortune 100 Company and was able to get time when I needed it. I was also able to visit my Mother on a Daily basis, and we soon became friends. If there is as point in this, modern law was designed to protect our frail from predators. Those same laws, prevent well meaning willing caregivers from access to help our relatives, and it takes some creative legalese to make it happen. I suppose this could have been shorter. But as I write this, I know I have to get this same information into the hands of MY children, as I am approaching the same age as my mother when she first began to show signs of dementia that noone recognized. By the way, I have friends in a similar position as yours. Her mom has severe dementia and her husband has been in denial. And he has the "Type A" personality that whatever he beleives, is in fact (to him) the only facts worth considering. [ i.e. he is always right!) bearly Thu, 08 Jan 2009 12:29:36 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/parents-with-dementia-refuse-to-move http://www.caring.com/blogs/parents-with-dementia-refuse-to-move/comments My wife and I are both 87, as a result we have virtually no friends left. She has moderate dementia. I have made 4 of 5 other friends that are much younger. Of them one happens to be a 58 year old lady who is married and had 3 sons, one was killed in Iraq. I commute from one house to another, when not at home with my wife, I have a lady come in to take care of her. My relationship with the lady is strictly friendly although we do have lunch or dinner occasionally, My daughter and sons know of this. If they approve or do not, I do not care. It is important that I have some one to carry on an intelligent conversation with. Two of my wife`s doctors have told me that it is essential that I get away. It is almost like a prescription. There is not much left at 87 so why not make the most of it and the hell with what other people think Mon, 08 Dec 2008 03:31:37 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/since-my-husband-who-has-alzheimers-moved-into-a-nursing-home-ive-become-very-close-to-a-neighbor-gentleman-should-i-keep-it-a-secret-or-let-my-family-and-friends-know http://www.caring.com/blogs/since-my-husband-who-has-alzheimers-moved-into-a-nursing-home-ive-become-very-close-to-a-neighbor-gentleman-should-i-keep-it-a-secret-or-let-my-family-and-friends-know/comments Just wanted to say how I feel for you. For the last 10 years my sister and husband arrive in either Oct or November and stay with my Mom until February or March. I am blessed that at 89 my Mom can still live by herself, I'm about 40 minutes away, my sister lives on the opposite coast. I have always wanted to move away....but... For a few weeks before their arrival, Mom is excited, she will have someone around and to talk to, besides my weekend visits and daily phone calls. After a few days the phone calls begin, Mom can't stand the way my sister tells her what to do, Sister can't stand that Mom doesn't' listen or else is losing her mind (by not agreeing with her) So after a hard day at work, I spend way too much time on the phone and can't get anywhere, as my 1 one years older than me sister, knows everything, and when that is done, it is all about her. She doesn't recognize our Mom's jokes or the fact that she is getting forgetful and set in her ways. As she is always right, and can't let go of something Mom may have said to her 60 years ago.... Just wanted to say, though the situation is different...I understand and will keep you in my prayers. Blessings! Anonymous Wed, 26 Nov 2008 02:43:05 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-know-it-all-sister-will-be-here-for-ten-days-at-christmas-and-i-can-already-feel-my-stress-level-rising http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-know-it-all-sister-will-be-here-for-ten-days-at-christmas-and-i-can-already-feel-my-stress-level-rising/comments Does your mother realize what's going on?Regardless,take action immediately!Tell those people they have a week to get out of there or you will have the police over.At the same time name yourself as your mother's guardian/representative/power of attorney.You can get the forms,have your mother sign if she can,then it will be legal,then you can start managing your mother's affairs.If she can't take care of herself either move in with her or get her somr home healthcare.But please don't feel guilty about kicking those people out.They certainly don't care about your mother and they will bleed her dry if something isn't done soon.Make the love you have for your mother stronger than the guilt you might feel getting rid of them.I had it happen to me and when the money is gone then they expect you to come up with more no matter what you have to sacrifice.I was left penniless hungry with no help.Don't let this happen to your mom. hossenfeffer Sat, 15 Nov 2008 19:55:19 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-sister-and-her-family-moved-in-with-my-mom-and-now-theyre-spending-all-her-retirement-money http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-sister-and-her-family-moved-in-with-my-mom-and-now-theyre-spending-all-her-retirement-money/comments The job of a caregiver is much more demanding than rearing your own children and for sure, you will feel as if you're taking care of a larger size child. If you have doubts at this point, take it from me they only grow into larger doubts. This is like stacking a ton of bricks on your head and being forced to run a marathon. I have been there, and I know first hand what it is to feel free after your children are grown and gone-enjoy it. If it is okay for you to take care of your mother-in-law and be paid, can't they pay an independent caregiver the same sallary? No, I guess it will save them a lot of money. But what I am almost certain of, is that it could also cost you your health, sanity or even your life when things gets tougher, and trust me they do. The role of a caregiver is no easy bite to chew- it's tough and rugged terrain Anonymous Tue, 04 Nov 2008 17:45:26 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-husband-and-his-siblings-want-i-me-i-to-quit-my-job-and-be-their-mothers-caregiver-and-i-dont-want-to http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-husband-and-his-siblings-want-i-me-i-to-quit-my-job-and-be-their-mothers-caregiver-and-i-dont-want-to/comments Inasmuch as I am all for family members pitching in and supporting in the time of need, my opinion is in this order. Unless they are all willing to contribute additionally to her social security, 401k and a reasonable health insurance, I strongly suggest she stand her ground. The disabled children should cough up the funds to bring in a qualified caretaker. Bless your Spirit! RevYarb RevYarb Tue, 04 Nov 2008 15:57:24 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-husband-and-his-siblings-want-i-me-i-to-quit-my-job-and-be-their-mothers-caregiver-and-i-dont-want-to http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-husband-and-his-siblings-want-i-me-i-to-quit-my-job-and-be-their-mothers-caregiver-and-i-dont-want-to/comments The best you can hope for is that your mom won't pass a competency hearing -- and you get named her guardian, then you can send parasite sis and her entourage down the road yourself, and protect your mom in the future. There comes a time when our parents are not longer logical or able to make good decisions, and that's the hardest thing -- when you have to step up and tell them that and take that ability away legally, then do what you know is right for them even if they hate you afterward. Just remind yourself that once in heaven the mind will clear again and they'll truely be able to understand your actions and motives, and will know you acted out of love for them. I also suggest that in the meantime, you also move in with your mom and become a major thorn in the side of your sister and her family -- make their life miserable enough in that house and they may move on anyway; don't let them relax or sleep or get anything without a hassle -- time to go to war!! Anonymous Sun, 02 Nov 2008 14:08:51 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-sister-and-her-family-moved-in-with-my-mom-and-now-theyre-spending-all-her-retirement-money http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-sister-and-her-family-moved-in-with-my-mom-and-now-theyre-spending-all-her-retirement-money/comments My sister and I are experiencing this same scenario with another sibling and I found this article extremely helpful. Anonymous Tue, 28 Oct 2008 15:31:55 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-sister-and-her-family-moved-in-with-my-mom-and-now-theyre-spending-all-her-retirement-money http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-sister-and-her-family-moved-in-with-my-mom-and-now-theyre-spending-all-her-retirement-money/comments My family is in the same boat. Our sister won't share ANY info at all and even when as far as to tell the home that she removed our Mother out of that I had DPOA over our Mom's finances(her name is on our Mom's bank account) because she has spent all the money on herself. Its a shame, but what can out of town siblings do? Anonymous Wed, 22 Oct 2008 17:27:15 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-brother-wont-share-financial-information-about-our-dads-assets-and-its-tearing-the-family-apart http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-brother-wont-share-financial-information-about-our-dads-assets-and-its-tearing-the-family-apart/comments In reading this story, my first question is why are you her guardian and executor and not one of these family members? It seems to me that sometime in the past they abdicated their responsibiiities, and you allowed it by taking them on. When you take on guardianship, you become the parent and responsible person -- no matter how old your ward is. Too late to whine now, though family advisor thinks you'll be able to get the family involved, I'm living in the real world and I'll tell you right now the only way those kids are going to come around is if there's something in it for them -- if they had any sense of responsibility or love for their mom, they'd already be involved. The sister is probably doing as much as she is able already. If you can't continue to provide care and supervision, you need to make arrangements for this to be taken care of. You, not them, and you took on that responsibility a while back, so you need to live up to it now -- the other choice is to resign and toss the ball back to the kids even if they don't want it . . . . 1whoseesclearly Tue, 21 Oct 2008 14:24:08 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/how-can-i-get-my-elderly-friends-children-and-sister-to-help-take-care-of-her http://www.caring.com/blogs/how-can-i-get-my-elderly-friends-children-and-sister-to-help-take-care-of-her/comments My dad died 10/17/08. He had a prepaid plan to be cremated. They never told him that all his surviving kids would have to sign a paper to agree to his wishes. This is state law so we were told in Texas. What a crumby surprise as my dad lays dead in my daughters bedroom!!!!!!! Also a person while living can have an attorney draw the paper that after a person is dead a specific named person can have power over the body remains. No one told us this ither, and this is different than a durable power of attorney. grifin46 Mon, 20 Oct 2008 12:45:30 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/help-my-moms-in-hospice-and-my-sister-and-i-are-arguing-about-her-funeral http://www.caring.com/blogs/help-my-moms-in-hospice-and-my-sister-and-i-are-arguing-about-her-funeral/comments Sounds like it's time to arrange placement for him in a supervised care facility -- it's appropriate, and would be best for you both. He will get the care he needs, with you to still oversee it, and you will get the freedom you need, without the worry about how you left him. All you have to do is explain to hisdoctor that you are no longer physically or emotionally able to care for him in your home. 1whoseesclearly Wed, 15 Oct 2008 16:27:49 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/im-thinking-of-leaving-my-spouse-who-has-parkinsons http://www.caring.com/blogs/im-thinking-of-leaving-my-spouse-who-has-parkinsons/comments I may have missed something, but the subject of in-home care was not mentioned. I am a registgered guardian and have a couple of clients with dementia that are receiving wonderful in-home care. A Geriatric Care Manager can assist in determining if in-home care is appropriate. Pour Richard Wed, 01 Oct 2008 16:25:28 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/parents-with-dementia-refuse-to-move http://www.caring.com/blogs/parents-with-dementia-refuse-to-move/comments I've cared for my mother for years, first in her home, the last few years in mine. What you need to do is care for her but not be afraid to put your life equal with her care. Why not move her into your life, instead of moving you back into hers? Go home and take her with you -- put her in a facility you can visit often, and keep in mind that while she does deserve your love and care, you deserve the ability to maintain a life for yourself. 1whoseesclearly Tue, 30 Sep 2008 12:43:47 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-fianc-broke-off-our-engagement-because-he-said-caring-for-my-mom-has-taken-over-my-life http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-fianc-broke-off-our-engagement-because-he-said-caring-for-my-mom-has-taken-over-my-life/comments This is for all who are either considering reverse mortgages. Consider this decision very carefully. At the onset of the loan, which they call a start up fee is very hefty amount, can be 10% of the loan. Once you sign the dotted line,before you receive one penny, this amount is owed. Also, my best friends Mother who at age 83, took out this loan for her in home care. She is 93, has exhausted all of the loan and now her daughters are having to pay for her care. Unfortunately, selling the house now, at the lower home values, make this a very difficult predicament. These reverse mortgages are mortgages. Think long and hard prior to making this decision. Anonymous Tue, 23 Sep 2008 15:33:40 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/i-feel-guilty-about-it-but-i-can-barely-stand-the-sight-of-my-mother-who-wants-to-live-with-me-what-do-i-owe-her http://www.caring.com/blogs/i-feel-guilty-about-it-but-i-can-barely-stand-the-sight-of-my-mother-who-wants-to-live-with-me-what-do-i-owe-her/comments its very hard when your parents are very unwell and you know they are going to die. at the time you wonder how your going to cope with everything but you do. afterwards when they have died it is a great comfort to know you did everything you could to make their last days the best for them. ignor what so call friends say and you do whats best for them and you. you were their for them when they needed you most and even they were so unwell they new you loved them and was their for them. it will help you alot after they have gone . Anonymous Fri, 12 Sep 2008 14:15:29 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/siblings-didnt-do-their-share http://www.caring.com/blogs/siblings-didnt-do-their-share/comments Your family really does need to be a (the) top priority. I struggled with that when both my folks were seriously ill. In the end, we all but lost the business we ran and my kids had quite a bit of catching up to do with school ( I homeschooled them through all this mess.) I finally placed Mom in a facility where she at least could count on clean sheets. My father learned that he couldn't do very much (post-surgically) and had wanted me there 24/7. Now, several years later, we are still recovering from the illnesses and deaths of my parents. If I had to do it all over again, I would set better boundaries. Bookchic Thu, 11 Sep 2008 17:47:23 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-mothers-growing-needs-are-putting-a-strain-on-my-marriage-and-i-find-myself-wondering-which-will-fall-apart-first-her-my-marriage-or-me-what-can-i-do http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-mothers-growing-needs-are-putting-a-strain-on-my-marriage-and-i-find-myself-wondering-which-will-fall-apart-first-her-my-marriage-or-me-what-can-i-do/comments I was just wondering, is there anyone who gets through this without having a sister, brother, sisters, brothers, not agreeing? Argueing, fueding, and bringing things up that have absolutely nothing to do with the situation which should be proper care for your parent or parents! butterfly Tue, 09 Sep 2008 21:51:33 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/how-can-i-stop-my-brother-from-taking-power-of-attorney-for-my-mother-away-from-me http://www.caring.com/blogs/how-can-i-stop-my-brother-from-taking-power-of-attorney-for-my-mother-away-from-me/comments My husband has dementia also and it is bad but i don't feel like it is a burden on. iI just wish i could get out sometime. I had to quit my job to take care of him but that's ok. we live off his disability and it really isn't enough be just barely make it each month. i had to get rid of my car because i could not even afford the insurance. I just wish there was financial aid for caregivers because it really puts you in a hole the way the way it is now with gas prices and food prices, but what can you do nothing because the state won't help Anonymous Sun, 07 Sep 2008 02:22:02 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-fianc-broke-off-our-engagement-because-he-said-caring-for-my-mom-has-taken-over-my-life http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-fianc-broke-off-our-engagement-because-he-said-caring-for-my-mom-has-taken-over-my-life/comments I can relate to what you are saying. I too cared for my mother while she had cancer. From the time she was diagnosed by taking her to her appointments to the time when things got bad by taking her into my home, taking a month off work (without pay and I am a single parent) to being by her side in my home as she took her last breath. I have three older brothers (I am the youngest and only girl) and two if them helped at the very end (the last week) by coming over once each for a few hours to give me a break, and then were there the night she passed. My other brother lives 3 hours away and didnt even visit her the last YEAR of her life. My mother made me the benificiary of her very small life insurance policy, didnt tell any of my siblings, and wouldnt you know, the brother who was never around was telling me that the right thing to do would be to split it. Keep in mind prior to this we never spoke, but now all of a sudden he is contacting me all the time. I understand how you feel. I did what i did because I love my mother and wanted to be there for her. I love my mother and wanted to be with her as much as possible knowing she would not be with us for very long. I suffered so much watching her lose her battle, giving her IV medications, and feeling like if I had done a better job maybe she would still be here, yet that same brother only thinks about money. It hurts. I just don't understand it. Anonymous Fri, 29 Aug 2008 22:50:52 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/siblings-didnt-do-their-share http://www.caring.com/blogs/siblings-didnt-do-their-share/comments Know too that you're not alone. When a parent dies, each of us is prone to feel that the care we gave, the love we shared . . . even the person we became, was somehow inadequate to what we believed our parent expected or deserved. This will pass with time. Letting go isn't easy, particularly when so much of who you saw yourself to be was tied into the care you gave your loved one. Try not to be so hard on yourself. Instead, know how grateful your mother was for the care and attention you gave her. I'm willing to bet that she never saw it as being inadequate. Take that and turn it into a gift from her to you, now, of accepting yourself as someone who's far more than merely adequate. Gail McConnon Wed, 27 Aug 2008 14:40:36 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/i-cant-stop-feeling-that-i-was-an-inadequate-caregiver-to-my-mom http://www.caring.com/blogs/i-cant-stop-feeling-that-i-was-an-inadequate-caregiver-to-my-mom/comments Even before his mental decline, my father was unpleasant to me. Now, it is worse. I am caring for him across country (only child!). I go as frequently as financially possible, and have taken over all of his bill-paying, account management, etc. I am on the phone with him several times a week and with others who can provide some of his needs at least that often. I'm doing the best I can for him. I ask myself why I am doing this for a man I am not certain I love and AM certain I frequently don't even LIKE! This is not a feeling I like, but it's reality. I've decided that the only way I can get through this period of my life is to continuously say to myself, "He's doing the best he can with what he has," AND to consider him as my "client," NOT my "father." That allows me to detach and deal with him on a less emotional level. It's sad that it has to be that way, but for me, it makes it easier. I agree with everything that Carol has said--when I talk to my dad about his upbringing and his parents, I realize where he got his ideas. The context is important. Understanding him does not make him easier to deal with, but it makes it easier for me to go on. I think the biggest help is just removing myself emotionally. I ask myself if I can hold my head up and be proud of what I'm doing for him after he's gone. If the answer is yes, then that's all that matters. You truly have my understanding and my support. Follow Carol's suggestions and be good to yourself. You WILL get through this with your dignity intact and your future ahead of you. Anonymous Wed, 20 Aug 2008 05:32:26 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/i-took-the-brunt-of-my-dads-nastiness-my-whole-life-now-i-am-his-caretaker-and-i-resent-it http://www.caring.com/blogs/i-took-the-brunt-of-my-dads-nastiness-my-whole-life-now-i-am-his-caretaker-and-i-resent-it/comments I understand. I have 3 siblings that have pretty much left it all to me. I understand your resentment. It is very hard to deal with. It makes me mad that they go on about their happy lives with no regard to Mom or what she is going through. I have sold our home and bought a bigger one for Mom to be with us, I have changed my entire life. I revolve around Moms needs daily. When they do some little something, they act as if it is some big deal. She is only 1 1/2 hours from him now instead of 9 but he still doesn't come see her. My sister in in lala land. One brother does care and would but he just opened a new business 5 hours away so he is tied. I am very blessed to have her in her older years and I see her slipping. To go 2 months without seeing her can make a big difference. They just don't seem to care or are in denial. I get so mad at them. I have medical problems of my own to deal with and it gets so hard to keep on going. The Lord is my strength. An article on this website said to remember that I was probably the one to offer in the first place and I am probably the best one for the job. Yes, true, but does that dismiss them from being just as obligated as I am. I am carrying their obligation and I am so weary. There is a reunion Labor Day and I am not going. I will be shamed to death for it but I don't want to hear about the trips they have made and the things they have bought, etc. It urks me when they never come see Mom. I have always heard that things like this can break up a family and now I understand how. All I can say is look to the Lord for strength. He is all I have and all I need. God bless you. kbroach Thu, 07 Aug 2008 03:05:28 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/siblings-didnt-do-their-share http://www.caring.com/blogs/siblings-didnt-do-their-share/comments Hi i was a caregiver of a elderly man with Alzheimer's before i came into the home the daughter was in charge until she fixed everything to go to herself down to interest at the end of the month well it took many days to just get the accounts caught up with and the bank refusing to cash his CD interest check because of how she had them sent , that plus credit cards in his name she had well i had to put in a plan where he could have money for living plus cost of his health coverage within a short time she just knew no one was the wiser , sad to say the lies and stealing from him was forgotten but i never thought a child could be so selfish and after all was in order and she left him in tears not seeing the grandchildren he had seen everyday she would stop drop off pictures and walk away but greed may have taken your moms husband. I do know we had a lawyer help prepare his last will and not long after when his power of attorney had to be given to his son who had taken care of him until he pass, even after death she still wanted her share as she stated went to court to take it she was asked how often did she help with the care of her father? Then the judge read the will leaving her ALL OF MY LOVE ' well all was settled not getting what she wanted but most of all Troy always loved her to the end.That was priceless. littlebit10 Tue, 05 Aug 2008 20:21:40 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/i-was-the-beneficiary-of-my-mothers-trust-deposit-until-that-was-changed-to-her-husbands-name-a-couple-of-months-before-she-died-and-i-think-it-was-done-illegally http://www.caring.com/blogs/i-was-the-beneficiary-of-my-mothers-trust-deposit-until-that-was-changed-to-her-husbands-name-a-couple-of-months-before-she-died-and-i-think-it-was-done-illegally/comments I have learned that resentment only takes more of my energy. I have a sister that asked our cousin, who is a nurse to give our mother an entire bottle of Morphine to "Finish Her Off", during her last stages of Ovarian Cancer so she would not be inconvenienced, by having to drive an hour to the airport, fly and then rent a car to visit our mother who was dying. We can not control who our siblings are, but we can control how we respond to them. Now our father has Dementia, and TIA's, is 94, lives alone and does not think he needs any help. Fortunately I live in the same town and do what I can to take care of his needs, pay his bills, take him to his medical appointments, and social events, and now I am helping him with his vineyard and the harvest of his grapes in the fall. My sister feels he does not need help, does not have medical problems, and I over react. I have learned the hard way, to have everything documented, get to know Adult Protective Services staff in charge, In Home Health Care staff in charge, had advice from an attorney who handles Senior legal matters, and know exactly what I can legally, to keep my father safe. That is all that I can do. My sibling has another agenda for her relationship with our father, as she did with our mother. I will not allow who she is, to ruin what time I share with my father. Good luck on your journey. My mantra is, "Have no attachment to the outcome", "It is what it is", and "It is my journey." Anonymous Tue, 05 Aug 2008 16:47:14 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/siblings-didnt-do-their-share http://www.caring.com/blogs/siblings-didnt-do-their-share/comments Call a social worker at your local hospital. Fight for your rights but always get the instructions in wrighting. Anonymous Wed, 30 Jul 2008 18:25:46 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/how-much-say-do-i-have-in-determining-who-is-guardian-over-me-and-my-affairs http://www.caring.com/blogs/how-much-say-do-i-have-in-determining-who-is-guardian-over-me-and-my-affairs/comments Manipulating records is common and criminal. I wish the governmend would close these places down! Justice4LovedOnes Mon, 28 Jul 2008 19:33:40 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/i-need-to-rescue-my-grandmother http://www.caring.com/blogs/i-need-to-rescue-my-grandmother/comments For the person who wants to rescue your grandmother. Do it! Find and attorney that will take him to court. Force him to reliquish his guardianship!!!!! He is probably like my brothers. Cold, obstinate and incapable of compassion, warmth and love. They are evil in my mind. Please prove to the courts that he will not protect your grandmother! Don't wait too long. Oh, and for those of you wondering if I will ever speak to most of my siblings again, NOOOOOO! I will never forgive them for allowing OUR MOTHER to suffer and die in a facility in Kokomo, Indiana. We are a disgrace as children. Oh, and a ribbon with the precious name Mother was not on the flowers that covered her coffin. I declined to attend the services. No crocodile tears for me. I love and miss you Mom. :(```````````` Justice4LovedOnes Mon, 28 Jul 2008 19:23:39 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/i-need-to-rescue-my-grandmother http://www.caring.com/blogs/i-need-to-rescue-my-grandmother/comments My mother passed away May 2, 2008 after being dropped by an aide in the nusring home that she had resided in for a little over nine years. After the first one hundred days was an emotional nightmare for me, and, my innocent, helpless mother. Unfortunately, my obstinate brother who was her guardian insisted OUR MOTHER RECEIVED EXCELLENT CARE! Bull. During her nine year stay she had countless urinary tract infections, most would cause her to be hospitilized. Endless bedsores to the bone. One on her left heel resulted in an emergency amputation below the knee. Feces had gotten into her bloodstream. The emergency amputation was required to save her life. I wanted my mother relocated to another facility. Luckily, I found one that would take her after the amputation. Sadly, my obstinate, know-it-all, god like brother decided to relocate OUR MOTHER back to the negligent facility. She's had countless bedsores, urinary tract infections because she had to beg for water. Unbelievable! A bedsore on her left cheek on her behind needed a new flap. A flap is skin to replace the skin that is gone. She died a horrific death. I am furious! I discovered the facility in which our mother resided in, is the POSTER CHILD FOR NEGLECT AND ABUSE IN THE NURSING HOME INDUSTRY. Outrageous! And, they paid their executives one hundred-thirty-seven million dollars in bonuses. I am not joking! My mother and countless other loved ones are dying prematurely for profit. Money is the game! Unfortunately, the laws protect these white collar, educated criminals! A lot of the nursing homes are owned by elected officials, doctors and lawyers. Now I get the picture! I am convinced there is nothing most of us can do. These criminals protect one another. They should be held accountable by law for their crimes in our loved ones premature deaths! But, they won't. I am disgusted with the laws in Indiana. They protect the nursing homes and their criminal owners. Please don't send your loved one to a nursing home. The facility might look clean, but, beware! Understaffing to increase profits is everywhere. The laws need to protect loved ones. Sadly, they don't. I am haunted that my mother died in a facility THAT DID NOTHING BY NEGLECT HER. Justice4LovedOnes Mon, 28 Jul 2008 19:14:39 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/i-need-to-rescue-my-grandmother http://www.caring.com/blogs/i-need-to-rescue-my-grandmother/comments This situation also happened to me. I called WASHINGTON DC. ELDER ABUSE. I found out that these nursing homes all had an Ombudsman.The administrators hate to hear from them. They also hate to hear from the state boards. Macrae Tue, 15 Jul 2008 20:59:43 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/i-need-to-rescue-my-grandmother http://www.caring.com/blogs/i-need-to-rescue-my-grandmother/comments Let me see here "feeling guilty" When you were too young and unable to take care of yourself who did your grocery shopping, who paid your bills, who wouldn't have locked you away if you were deaf and sick when you were unable to care for yourself. And who did it every single day? Your mom and Dad. They devoted their life to taking care of you for most of it, enjoying you for some of it, then needing you cause they are unable to care for themselves, (and you won't have to be responsible for them for their last eighteen years like they were responsible for you for the first 18 years, plus. No wonder your feeling guilty... Your dad is probably wondering why you haven't moved them in with you or at least closer, if the hour, hour and a half, two hours, whatever, is just too far or takes too much of your oh so important time. How well do you think you would have done if they hadn't been there wiping your butt, or feeding you cause you didn't know how, or giving you medicine when you were sick? Or just being there to spend time with you? They weren't more concerned about if you'd drive them nuts when they decided to have a family. Lucky you they didn't decide you were just too much work and turned their back on you to have a life of their own without taking time for you.... You didn't think their life was more important than you when you needed them , how dare you think yours is more important than theirs when they need you. You sound very self-centered, selfish, and ungrateful. You should feel guilty. Quit your whining... Anonymous Mon, 14 Jul 2008 11:07:12 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/i-constantly-feel-guilty-because-no-matter-how-much-i-do-for-my-parents-i-know-its-never-enough http://www.caring.com/blogs/i-constantly-feel-guilty-because-no-matter-how-much-i-do-for-my-parents-i-know-its-never-enough/comments All I know is that I am HERE, doing the day to day. I don't see it as I am sacraficing my life to care for my mom. I don't like it when people comment to me, "OH, your mom is so blessed to have such a good daughter." Heck, I am the one that is blessed to be here for her. It's me and her, and her and me. We are all we have. I have a brother, she a son, but I haven't spoken to him in years. I have nothing to say to him. As her son, he sends her a check for her birthday, mother's day, and christmas. He only calls or has his wife do it to ask if mom received the card and check? It's hard for me to bit my tongue and not say what I feel to him. He is the one that my mom has left in charge of my trust that she is leaving me. She says its cause she doesn't want someone to be able to talk me out of any of it. I won't be able to ask him for anything if I need something extra cause it says so in her trust, but if he feels pressured by it all or if he just decides to do so, at his disgression he can sell the house she's leaving for me to live in and terminate the trust. Without even telling me. So, he can just take away everything she leaves me and I can't say a word. BUT, where is he???? Is he even concerned about how she is or what her needs are? NOPE. Doesn't even call her. Doesn't want anything to do with her or me for that matter. But, he will be the first one to say in front of all those others who weren't around until after, if you know what I mean by after. I called her twin brother once to tell him that she was getting kind way out of it and it was getting worse. I said, I thought maybe you could come visit for a couple days and see that she's doing well in my care and to just visit her before it's too late. Her twin brother says to me, call your brother he'll know what to do. I responded, "I don't know how he could." Why would I call my brother? Alot of siblings consider their parents a great burden, and their life is just too important to take part in the care of our parents. I wonder, I wonder if our parents looked at us as such a burden to bare. The diapers, the money for everyhing kids needs, the long hours to earn enough to give us kids better than they had, the illnesses kids get normally, the worries, the disappointments we cause our parents. And the biggest disappointment must be that after all they sacraficed, all they gave up for us, all those years (and it doesn't end at 18), all those years they were here for us, after all that we as their children can't be bother with them cause they old and require help, or GOD FORBID they wet the bed, oh my gosh, it's too much for the children to even give them two days a week, one day a week. One day a month, or dinner on a birthday or holiday, or even a simple phone call. To wind this up to a close; KEEP IN MIND CHILDREN, YOU MIGHT GET BY AND THINK YOU DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER TO ANYONE, ESPECIALLY TO OUR DYING PARENTS FOR BEING SO SELFISH AND UNGRATEFUL. aND YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE TO ANSWER now, while your still here. You will and I repeat, YOU WILL HAVE TO ANSWER TO GOD. So, think about what you will say to God when he asks you, where were you, what makes you think you can treat your parents that way, WHY? I said "Honor thy mother and father" Your should have listened now you will answer to HIM, The Almighty God. He is going to be punishing alot of sons and daughters for not honoring their parents. I am not looking for sainthood, but I do know that God says He will not forsake us and we expect Him to keep his word, yet we forsake our parents. FOR what? Don't tell me for What, you need to explain that to God. I hope to never socialize with anyone that has turned their back to my mom, friends included, the one that just don't have the time or money to come visit but can go to Tahoe, buy a new car, can't spend a stamp cause their too poor, can't call their time is too important to stop and say hello or I love you. Well, until it's too late and then everyone has an opinion on how this or that, etc. Well, I thank you all for letting me vent, but family when it comes to elderly family or just regular family, they suck and they suck badly. No one is more cruel than a "family memebr" why, i don't know. They just suck, except for my mom. She's my reason for being here and I am gonna be here for her no matter what. Cathie Mon, 14 Jul 2008 10:36:10 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/siblings-didnt-do-their-share http://www.caring.com/blogs/siblings-didnt-do-their-share/comments My 91 year old mother has been living with my family for four years now. She has dementia and arthritis and is easily upset. I am married with two sons, in their late teens, at home. We have not had a vacation in four years. We rarely go out together, even to just sit in the yard. My husband has reluctantly attended several family gatherings and funerals (his side of the family) without me. We hardly celebrate any holidays - changes in routine are too stressful for my mother. The few times we have had to take her to the hospital, she would be so upset that I had to stay wiith her overnight or they would have to restrain her. I know a nursing home would kill her because of her anxiety. I have five siblings. With the exception of one, they have caused me nothing but grief. Many times after they leave, I am in tears. They will not stay with my mother, even though she is capable of doing some things, such as using the bathroom alone. They will not invite her to their home, even for a meal, so that I can have a break. Because my mother loves to see all of her children, I try so hard to get along with them so that they will continue to have contact with her. However, once this situation is over, I never wish to socialize with them again. I don't neccessarily hate them, but the hardship they have caused my husband, my sons and myself is too great. Yesterday, I just had a call from a relative who screamed at me at 8:30 in the morning, saying that she will never forgive me for the terrible job I have done. Please keep in mind, that there are several agencies that I have helping me and they have all commended me on the wonderful care that I have given my mother and the sacrifice that my immediate family has given. I try not to cry too often, because it just makes my family's home life more stressful, but I cannot help but be resentful. I apologize for the lengh of this comment, but I know it is somewhat helpful to know that my situation is not unique. All we can do is hang in there and do what we know to be the right course of acton. Thanks for listening. MotherJackie Fri, 11 Jul 2008 17:40:52 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/siblings-didnt-do-their-share http://www.caring.com/blogs/siblings-didnt-do-their-share/comments You can take some comfort in knowing that you did the right thing. That's something that you'll be able to draw on for the rest of your life. And it's a great example to the rest of your family. Your siblings missed out on that experience--not just the hard part but the rewards of being there for their mother--for reasons that only they fully know. Maybe it was selfishness, or maybe it was fear...or something else. The fact that they're now interested in getting the family together suggests they DO think family is important--whatever their shortcomings. Anonymous Tue, 08 Jul 2008 21:34:39 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/siblings-didnt-do-their-share http://www.caring.com/blogs/siblings-didnt-do-their-share/comments Depending upon the severity, this behavior may constitute emotional elder abuse. As a professional caregiver, the person who posed the question probably is a mandated reporter who should consider whether this must be reported to the local adult protective services agency. Tim Colling A Servant's Heart Senior Care http://www.trustworthycare.com tcolling Tue, 01 Jul 2008 06:17:16 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/paid-caregiver-concerned-about-daughter-threatening-parent http://www.caring.com/blogs/paid-caregiver-concerned-about-daughter-threatening-parent/comments I think you should do whatever you can for your Dad, that is where you came from, and without him, you would not be here----and neither would your children. You Can work it out. Say your prayers , and really believe. God can do anything, we are very limited. K Anonymous Tue, 03 Jun 2008 00:37:14 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-father-seems-interested-in-moving-in-with-me-and-i-dont-want-him-to http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-father-seems-interested-in-moving-in-with-me-and-i-dont-want-him-to/comments You can use a mediator like a counselor or maybe even a family member of hers that is easier to talk to. Bottom line is you have a right to help out but be respectful---after all---your Dad married her, not you. Remember to say your prayers because God is capable of all things...and we are very limited. K Anonymous Tue, 03 Jun 2008 00:30:53 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/dads-new-wife http://www.caring.com/blogs/dads-new-wife/comments Well, your Dad is old enough to do what he wants! And look at it this way.... maybe he forgot what to do in a situation like this!!!! It has been a while, hasn't it???? And... Would you want your Dad to tell you who and how to date??? Maybe you should just be his Buddy and give him some pointers. K Anonymous Tue, 03 Jun 2008 00:22:32 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-dad-wants-to-double-date-with-me http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-dad-wants-to-double-date-with-me/comments You must have a family meeting with your Mom's doctor and your whole family. Make a decision with the doctor present because he knows your Mom medically . How are you all going to try and determine what you think should happen medically with your Mom based on opinion? Do this right away and spend valuable time with your family. K Anonymous Tue, 03 Jun 2008 00:15:19 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-mother-has-asked-not-to-be-resuscitated-if-she-has-a-medical-crisis-but-my-siblings-disagree-on-what-constitutes-a-medical-crisis http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-mother-has-asked-not-to-be-resuscitated-if-she-has-a-medical-crisis-but-my-siblings-disagree-on-what-constitutes-a-medical-crisis/comments I do not think that anyone should ever control a family like that for the sake of caring for anyone. Your Mom's house should feel like your own. It is a Caretaker's responsibility to not only take care of the patient but to understand the emotional needs of the family as well. This person should be let go immediately. Do not think twice. There are plenty of caregivers out there that are ready to take on the responsibility. I am sorry you've had to go through this so far. K kayseahouse Tue, 03 Jun 2008 00:07:02 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-mothers-caregiver-is-too-controlling-and-wont-take-direction-from-us http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-mothers-caregiver-is-too-controlling-and-wont-take-direction-from-us/comments I think you should plainly just tell your Dad ---NOT IN PUBLIC---(have respect that he is your Dad)---but tell him you are not, and you are not subjecting your kids to this anymore, PERIOD> and DON"T.. K Anonymous Mon, 02 Jun 2008 22:49:03 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/dads-racist-remarks http://www.caring.com/blogs/dads-racist-remarks/comments Ask the Caregivers to do some errands, shopping, appts, whatever. Plenty of them will---or get ones that will.!!!! You deserve the time with your parents to talk---whatever!!!! Do this immediately!!!! You deserve a life!!!! K Anonymous Mon, 02 Jun 2008 22:44:09 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/i-constantly-feel-guilty-because-no-matter-how-much-i-do-for-my-parents-i-know-its-never-enough http://www.caring.com/blogs/i-constantly-feel-guilty-because-no-matter-how-much-i-do-for-my-parents-i-know-its-never-enough/comments I really think you should take your husbands advice and get a part-time caregiver for your mom and go back to work. You, in my opinion, should NEVER leave your Moms side if you can help it . You should make sure she is taken care of no matter what. After all, that IS where you came from. BUT> surely, your Mom will understand your life MUST go on, and so you need to try and work things out. If you explain to your Mom she will get used to whoever it is taking care of her---and she can help you make the choice of WHO it is---I am sure everything will work out. And...don't forget to pray about it--God can do anything, were as we are very limited sometimes. And don't forget somewhere inbetween all this family, to make time for YOU> THINK POSITIVE> K Anonymous Mon, 02 Jun 2008 22:39:34 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-mothers-growing-needs-are-putting-a-strain-on-my-marriage-and-i-find-myself-wondering-which-will-fall-apart-first-her-my-marriage-or-me-what-can-i-do http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-mothers-growing-needs-are-putting-a-strain-on-my-marriage-and-i-find-myself-wondering-which-will-fall-apart-first-her-my-marriage-or-me-what-can-i-do/comments We all look for the best care we can get for our parents. If your mother's Caretaker is making unreasonable and ridiculous demands on the family, maybe you should remind the Caretaker they CAN be replaced. If that doesn't make a difference I would, if I were you , call a family meeting and look for a new one. It is not only hard for your Mom to go through what she is going through, it is very hard on your family, I know from experience. You certainly don't need any added stress because the Caretaker wants to play games. Anonymous Mon, 02 Jun 2008 22:30:11 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/i-constantly-feel-guilty-because-no-matter-how-much-i-do-for-my-parents-i-know-its-never-enough http://www.caring.com/blogs/i-constantly-feel-guilty-because-no-matter-how-much-i-do-for-my-parents-i-know-its-never-enough/comments Consider yourself lucky! Please cherish these years with your dad. Time goes by so quickly. My father is 84 and when he turned 80 he met a wonderful woman who he married a few months later. We all love her very much and feel so blessed having her in our family. I understand how you feel about your dad dating but try to look at the situation differently. Just because he wants to date doesn't mean he feels less for your mom. My dad still talks about my mom.. He is still in love with her after all these years. She passed away over 26 years ago. My father had 2 strokes in the past 3 months and is paralyzed on his right side. He has been in a rehab facility and possibly going into a nursing home. His speech is getting better. He has had 84 wonderful years. Good luck with your Dad and enjoy your new journey with him. God Bless.... coco Mon, 02 Jun 2008 06:48:22 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-dad-wants-to-double-date-with-me http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-dad-wants-to-double-date-with-me/comments Caregiver" they are there for all of you. First no-one should ever take that much controll or even think that they have it. There are plenty other Cna's out there that would be more of a fit for your situation. You ove it to your Mother to make sure this person is a open minded and loving person. Look for signals....Is she in a rush to get you out? Is she quick with you Mother's care? How clean does she come to work.? Your are a family and it is to be an honor to be part of it no matter what and that's your mommy take controll ... Been a cna for a long time... maryjlan Mon, 26 May 2008 13:21:30 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-mothers-caregiver-is-too-controlling-and-wont-take-direction-from-us http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-mothers-caregiver-is-too-controlling-and-wont-take-direction-from-us/comments Which is worse? Needing care or having to provide care. Many of the tensions of caregiving could be eased with better planning. SchaferLTC Thu, 22 May 2008 06:54:50 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-father-seems-interested-in-moving-in-with-me-and-i-dont-want-him-to http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-father-seems-interested-in-moving-in-with-me-and-i-dont-want-him-to/comments Don't let this happen to your children. Plan early. Save. Invest. Insure. SchaferLTC Thu, 22 May 2008 06:53:37 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-father-seems-interested-in-moving-in-with-me-and-i-dont-want-him-to http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-father-seems-interested-in-moving-in-with-me-and-i-dont-want-him-to/comments Make this the reason that you plan for the eventuality of needing care. Don't do to your children what your mother has put your through. Plan early. Save. Invest. Insure. SchaferLTC Thu, 22 May 2008 06:51:07 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-mothers-growing-needs-are-putting-a-strain-on-my-marriage-and-i-find-myself-wondering-which-will-fall-apart-first-her-my-marriage-or-me-what-can-i-do http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-mothers-growing-needs-are-putting-a-strain-on-my-marriage-and-i-find-myself-wondering-which-will-fall-apart-first-her-my-marriage-or-me-what-can-i-do/comments I feel that if the mother issued a DNR when she was alright, it should be honored. But the family should be willing to take her to a medical facility. My experience is that medical facilities will do what is best, And anyone who is not a medical professional can not make that decision. Anonymous Tue, 20 May 2008 14:54:35 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-mother-has-asked-not-to-be-resuscitated-if-she-has-a-medical-crisis-but-my-siblings-disagree-on-what-constitutes-a-medical-crisis http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-mother-has-asked-not-to-be-resuscitated-if-she-has-a-medical-crisis-but-my-siblings-disagree-on-what-constitutes-a-medical-crisis/comments My mom asked to be cremated as well, and my sister and I would not have done anything except for what she wanted. There was a funeral and she was cremated after the service. missval Fri, 09 May 2008 01:10:59 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/help-my-moms-in-hospice-and-my-sister-and-i-are-arguing-about-her-funeral http://www.caring.com/blogs/help-my-moms-in-hospice-and-my-sister-and-i-are-arguing-about-her-funeral/comments This is so tough when you feel two sides tugging at you who are in the middle. Sometimes there are definite drawbacks to being able to see both sides of a situation - makes it even harder for you to "pick a side" when you know both of them are hurting. I would agree with most of the advice, except I don't believe anything is to be gained by telling Mom that you "need to put your marriage FIRST." There's no need to make her feel that she is somehow a second-class citizen in your affections. Simply tell her that you've been spending so much time with her that -- as much as you love those times together -- other family members aren't getting their needed share of your attention, and that you have responsibilities to them also. And as much as we hate to think about it, our time with anyone is not guaranteed on this earth. It's logical to think that your Mom deserves most of your attention since her health is not good. But loved ones are taken from our lives for many reasons -- sometimes abruptly. You'd be just as devastated to find that you had denied some last moments with your husband or children because you just assumed they would be here long after your mother is gone. That realization makes it easier for me to balance my attentions when I'm tempted to give all my free time to only one person. Poem-Lover Thu, 08 May 2008 07:08:16 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-mothers-growing-needs-are-putting-a-strain-on-my-marriage-and-i-find-myself-wondering-which-will-fall-apart-first-her-my-marriage-or-me-what-can-i-do http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-mothers-growing-needs-are-putting-a-strain-on-my-marriage-and-i-find-myself-wondering-which-will-fall-apart-first-her-my-marriage-or-me-what-can-i-do/comments I worked as a caregiver to a older man money wasnt a problem but he always wanted to marry me or leave all to me i was honest but the gambling the machine dont care try to get a caregiver outside the familey to work with her i know first hand i done more with my boss and he thought we were friends more than a working couple we became b est friends and i keep him active each day where he would live a long life now my mom has this so i see both sides ,good luck littlebit10 Thu, 08 May 2008 01:25:16 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-mother-is-gambling-away-every-last-penny-and-her-financial-independence-what-should-i-do http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-mother-is-gambling-away-every-last-penny-and-her-financial-independence-what-should-i-do/comments Very good advice! I hope Mother Jackie follows it right now and can make some progress in getting her marriage "back on track". Her story is similar in some ways to my situation, except that we had to take in my husband's 87 year old mother in, after she fell and had her shoulder replaced. I wish I would have heeded the above great advice 2 years ago when we moved her in to our home. We have been married now for almost 18 years and unfortunately, have grown apart. This started happening 2 years ago, shortly after becoming her caregivers. I still have strong feelings of anger, frustration, resentment and wish for the way things were a few years ago. We don't have the finances for counseling or for increasing the caregiver's current 4 hours a week. I know I need to have another big "talk" with my husband, but am dreading it very much, as the first one about his mom, ended in an emotional and heated argument...our 1st one in 17 years. I do try to do things for my sanity when I can, but I still feel like an unhappy prisoner in my own home. I know we have a responsibility to take care of our ailing parents, but where is the semi-happy medium?? (I work 40-50 hours myself and also have my own parents that are close to 80 yrs. old. My husband lost his dad and older brother, before his mom had her bad fall, so he does not have any family support, other than from me.) I do belong to a caregiver's support group that meets twice a month, which has helped me to vent among others that are going through similar feelings and caregiving situations. Kona Tue, 29 Apr 2008 19:24:04 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-mothers-growing-needs-are-putting-a-strain-on-my-marriage-and-i-find-myself-wondering-which-will-fall-apart-first-her-my-marriage-or-me-what-can-i-do http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-mothers-growing-needs-are-putting-a-strain-on-my-marriage-and-i-find-myself-wondering-which-will-fall-apart-first-her-my-marriage-or-me-what-can-i-do/comments Thank you for the advice. My mother requires a lot of attention and I need the support to keep my husband first when I can. MotherJackie Tue, 29 Apr 2008 14:02:28 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-mothers-growing-needs-are-putting-a-strain-on-my-marriage-and-i-find-myself-wondering-which-will-fall-apart-first-her-my-marriage-or-me-what-can-i-do http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-mothers-growing-needs-are-putting-a-strain-on-my-marriage-and-i-find-myself-wondering-which-will-fall-apart-first-her-my-marriage-or-me-what-can-i-do/comments It's your mom who is dying, not you. You should be abiding by her dying wishes out of respect for her!!! Spend the time you are arguing about in a more productive way, like quality time with your mom and doing something to make her day a little brighter. She would, I'm sure, do that for you. Carla Sun, 27 Apr 2008 20:45:42 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/help-my-moms-in-hospice-and-my-sister-and-i-are-arguing-about-her-funeral http://www.caring.com/blogs/help-my-moms-in-hospice-and-my-sister-and-i-are-arguing-about-her-funeral/comments Yes, this was a great response to a question that seems to be more common these days. Children have to be strong and you need to talk to others and weigh the pros and cons of taking in a frail parent. My husband and I took in his 87 year old mom after her husband and only other son passed away. It has been a very long and frustrating 2 1/2 years of caring for her in our home. It has changed our lives dramatically, not for the better. After she had a few falls, it has become even more difficult. Money is an issue, so assisted care for her is not affordable. She says if we put her in a nursing home, she will starve herself to death first. I could go on for hours, but thank you for allowing me to vent and thanks for addressing a great question so well. Kona Thu, 24 Apr 2008 01:43:40 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-father-seems-interested-in-moving-in-with-me-and-i-dont-want-him-to http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-father-seems-interested-in-moving-in-with-me-and-i-dont-want-him-to/comments It is nice to know that some children care about there father enought to help his second wife with him. My hubands children where more concerned about his money. They convinced him I was going to put him in a nurseing home and take his money. So he had to divorce me. So now he sits home alone his children have guardenship.He can not understand why I am not there. He did not think a divorce would make a difference in his life. Alzheimer is a awful disease no one should have to go it alone. Carr Wed, 23 Apr 2008 02:44:40 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/dads-new-wife http://www.caring.com/blogs/dads-new-wife/comments A compromise is very easy: have calling hours and then a cremation with a ceremony after that. Calling hours allow the friends to help family members begin the healing process. Limited calling hours, for example: one day from 4 to 8 pm is sufficient. Wed, 09 Apr 2008 17:58:00 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/help-my-moms-in-hospice-and-my-sister-and-i-are-arguing-about-her-funeral http://www.caring.com/blogs/help-my-moms-in-hospice-and-my-sister-and-i-are-arguing-about-her-funeral/comments I agree with last two ladies - give us what we want or asked for, period. gee Tue, 08 Apr 2008 23:47:09 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/help-my-moms-in-hospice-and-my-sister-and-i-are-arguing-about-her-funeral http://www.caring.com/blogs/help-my-moms-in-hospice-and-my-sister-and-i-are-arguing-about-her-funeral/comments This is an excellent response to a common and thorny issue. I agree that honesty is best. And remembering that you should not create scenarios that you can't live with. I can relate to the feelings of guilt for not offering to have my mother live with me and my family, but I know that I can still be a great caregiver even is she is not under my roof. Tue, 08 Apr 2008 18:56:24 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/my-father-seems-interested-in-moving-in-with-me-and-i-dont-want-him-to http://www.caring.com/blogs/my-father-seems-interested-in-moving-in-with-me-and-i-dont-want-him-to/comments Get a grip on yourself! If your mom didn't want to be covered up with dirt when she was capable of thinking....why would she change her mind now? My codicial to my will states not only that I shall be cremated, but allows $2,000 for a big party and not a funeral! That sounds like a far, far better time than standing around smelling flowers and hearing sad music! Give your mom a break here. Sat, 29 Mar 2008 12:14:07 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/help-my-moms-in-hospice-and-my-sister-and-i-are-arguing-about-her-funeral http://www.caring.com/blogs/help-my-moms-in-hospice-and-my-sister-and-i-are-arguing-about-her-funeral/comments Have heard that AIDS is getting quite prevelant in assisted living groups....you might want to advise the mom to bring a condom if she is planning to visit him! Sat, 29 Mar 2008 12:09:22 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/dad-with-alzheimers-falls-in-love http://www.caring.com/blogs/dad-with-alzheimers-falls-in-love/comments My mother and I talked many times about what she would like and I followed what she wanted no matter what anyone else thought. I think the final loving act you can do is do what your Mom wants done. I really felt that she would have been very happy and at peace with all of her requests done as she wanted.-The apple don't fall far from the tree. Fri, 28 Mar 2008 07:36:28 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/help-my-moms-in-hospice-and-my-sister-and-i-are-arguing-about-her-funeral http://www.caring.com/blogs/help-my-moms-in-hospice-and-my-sister-and-i-are-arguing-about-her-funeral/comments My father and his brother went through this recently with my grandpa. The sibling who has the parent living with them feels like they have the most say - even if it contradicts what the parent might have said in the past. Pat Sat, 22 Mar 2008 22:11:14 -0000 http://www.caring.com/blogs/family-advisor/help-my-moms-in-hospice-and-my-sister-and-i-are-arguing-about-her-funeral http://www.caring.com/blogs/help-my-moms-in-hospice-and-my-sister-and-i-are-arguing-about-her-funeral/comments