Family Advisor

Since my father's death two years ago, my 75-year-old mother's casual interest in bingo has turned into an obsession. Now her life revolves around bingo and casino gambling. She lives in Florida, where there's no shortage of gambling seniors to keep her company. And it's not a matter of if this situation will damage her financial independence, but when.

Because we had a miserable relationship when I was growing up, I have a terrible relationship with her now. I can't talk to her about the weather, much less about something that will clearly end up in a fight. But I'm also the executor of her will. Is it my responsibility to intervene as the executor -- and as her daughter? Or should I stay out of it, since it's her money?

You're not alone -- senior gambling is a touchy issue for many caregivers. And normally I'd encourage you to talk to your mother and try to help her find a way out of her addiction...  Read more

Since my dad died five years ago, my mother has had hip-replacement surgery and been diagnosed with early-stage bladder cancer. I quit my part-time job to be available for her. Every day, it seems, I spend more hours transporting her places and comforting her until late evening. When I'm not with her, I'm rushing around to care for my two teenage girls. More than ever, I need my husband of 17 years to pick up the slack at home, but he has a high-pressure job and says he can't reduce his time at the office. I think he's happier there than at home. I'm increasingly angry and defensive with him. He wants me to hire a caregiver and go back to work to ease our financial pressure, but Mom isn't comfortable around others. I want to feel that I did everything I could for her if this cancer turns out to be terminal, but I miss my husband terribly. We communicate mostly by e-mail, and sex is a distant memory...  Read more

Dad remarried after Mom passed away a few years ago, and his new wife doesn't feel connected to our family. She's nice, but we just haven't bonded and, quite frankly, I don't have the time or patience to invest in a relationship with her. So it's uncomfortable for me to step in and care for my dad, and I feel that I should. Dad hasn't said anything, but when he's lucid, I feel like he's wondering why I don't come over more often. His wife isn't in great health either, and I sense she doesn't quite know what to do about all this. Also, she doesn't have children, and I'm afraid I'll be saddled with her care one day. I consider myself a loving person, but this feels like too much too handle. Yet I know I'll feel guilty if I don't do more to help my father.

Don't allow your dad's new wife to keep you from seeing him. You want and deserve to be a part of his life, and you'll regret it if you don't speak up about it...  Read more

My father was always a bit prejudiced, but he's gotten worse in his old age. Many of the restaurants I take him to are staffed by immigrants. The staff seem especially courteous when dealing with a cranky old man, but he's rude to them when he can't understand what they're saying. He also says inappropriate things to doctors and nurses and home health aides. My teenage children don't want him to visit in case he says something racist to or around their friends, and I think his behavior is a bad example for them. I may have to put him in a nursing home soon because of his failing health and memory, but I'm afraid that if I do, he'll offend the staff, and they'll take it out on him or give him less care because of his rude and hurtful remarks.

You need to correct your dad's remarks on the spot, in front of the person he's offended. Just make it quick and to the point: "That was inappropriate, Dad...  Read more

At 81, my dad has Parkinson's, three heart stents, a history of hernias, kidney stones, and depression. He lives alone and has about seven hours of in-home care a day. He's fallen once and ended up in the ER twice, and my brothers and I have tried to talk to him about moving somewhere else -- by which we mean an assisted-living situation. He then talks about how the sons of his best friend each built a guesthouse for their father in their backyards. (Hint, hint). I live in a little house with my husband and two little girls. Both my husband and I work. My dad's recent four-day visit with us drove home my inability to deal with tending to his bodily functions and his constant needs. I know he doesn't want to move into a home, and I know he can't afford to stay at home and get the care he needs, but I don't know how to tell him he can't move in with us.

You may be uncertain what to say to your father, but you seem pretty clear about how you feel: You don't think that he should move in with you...  Read more

When Mom had to start using portable oxygen, the doctors said both of my parents must stop smoking. They also warned Dad to stop drinking alcohol because he's showing signs of mental decline. My parents have done pretty well with this so far, but every once in a while at a family gathering, they want to indulge a little. When my sister and I don't give in, Dad grumbles, "Who's the parent here?" My sister and I disagree -- I'm inclined to let them decide this for themselves, but my sister is not. Who's right?

I'm not a psychiatrist or doctor, but if my mother was on an oxygen machine, I wouldn't let her smoke. I understand not wanting to be on your parents' case regarding every little thing, and I'm certainly not against the occasional cigarette for someone who doesn't have weak lungs, but your mother does. And this may really be about more than an occasional nip or smoke for your parents...  Read more

My mother, who took care of my father through the early and middle stages of Alzheimer's, is brokenhearted because he's fallen in love with a woman at the assisted living facility where he now lives -- and she blames me for the whole mess! In the early stages of his illness, Mom insisted she was in love with him and even hinted that they were still sexually intimate. But when she became overwhelmed with his care, I finally convinced her to move him. Now she's like a jealous teenager when she sees him with the other woman. And she says it's my fault for encouraging her to move him -- which I thought I was doing for her sake. She's no longer speaking to me. What can I do?I'd like to address you first, and then your mother. First, take a deep breath. You didn't cause this, and you can't fix it. You might need to say this about a thousand times before it sinks in: "I am 100 percent responsible for my own life...  Read more

Our mom has said she wants to be cremated "so you don't have to waste your money on hair and makeup," and my sister says we should abide by her wishes. But I think Mom is just being her frugal martyr self to the end, and she deserves to be properly laid out. I also think an open casket is helpful in the grieving process. Who's right?

Why not ask your mother? If she's able to have a real conversation about this, she's the one who should really make that decision. And if she does, it will allow you and your sister to avoid arguing about it and focus instead on her at this time. If your mom is still lucid, I strongly suggest a heart-to-heart conversation with her. You might try telling her what you'd like your own memorial to be like. By taking the focus and pressure off her, she might open up. Be sure to be specific -- what kind of flowers, what kind of music -- anything that will allow her to forget herself for a few moments...  Read more