My diabetic mom is unable to take care of herself and her home, but she refuses my help. She even makes jokes about the situation or claims her feelings are hurt when I point out she needs assistance! The house is falling apart around her and poses a health and safety risk. (She has rats!) Her diet is terrible. In my last phone call with her (I live 1,000 miles away), she said she'd fallen in the tub. But she doesn't want any help.

Maybe I should let her make her own decisions, but it worries me to see how bad the situation has gotten. A couple years ago, when she needed foot surgery, I flew down and got her set up with a house cleaner, a gardener, and a handyman, but after I left she didn't follow through. She has lots of friends and strong church connections, but she has managed to hide or explain away her difficulties. I'm not sure how to proceed -- especially given that she doesn't want help or change...  Read more

I recently had to place my husband, who has Alzheimer's, in a nearby care home. I could check on him every day, but I'm not sure it's a good idea. When I leave, he gets teary and begs me to move in with him. He initiates sex, but maybe because of the dementia, he no longer feels like my husband that way. And he calls me ten times a day.

We can't afford for me to live there, and honestly, I don't want to. I've returned to church and see friends now -- it's been years since I've done this. But I feel guilty for enjoying my life again when he can't. And I feel guilty because I don't want to visit him every day. It's emotionally taxing -- for both of us.

How do I handle his incessant calls and demands?

You're in a strange place. You're married, and yet you can't go where your husband is headed. As spouses, we have to face that we probably won't die at the same time. And right now, it's your job to live...  Read more

My mother, who has vascular dementia, confessed to me that she had an affair years ago -- with an old high school flame -- and that I'm their child. I'm devastated. I don't think Dad knows, and I'm sure my siblings don't know. I'm wondering if it's even true.

She wants to call a family meeting and "confess before I die." I don't think that's a good idea. My dad's my dad, and I love him and my siblings and don't want anything to come between us.

How do I get her to drop this? I'm hurt and angry, but I'd really just like to let it go -- except I'm having a hard time caring for my mother right now.

All of us have life lessons presented to us, and this one's a doozy. Yes, many people make deathbed confessions, about everything from hidden money to "other wives." Their intentions may be to set things right, but they may not realize how much they hurt their loved ones while trying to alleviate their own guilt...  Read more

My husband has liver cancer, and the doctors have given him less than a year to live. He's completely given up hope. I came home from shopping to find a giant hole in our wall. He said he was cleaning his gun and it accidentally went off. I'm not sure I believe him. I live in constant fear. I know he's in pain and hates chemo, but I don't want this to be the family legacy he leaves behind. His children would be devastated.

What do I say or do to convince him that suicide would be awful for those who love him?

I'm so sorry that you and your husband are going through this. I know you're scared and worried. Reaching out for guidance is the best thing you can do.

Suicide among older adults is much more common than we'd like to think. In fact, the suicide rate of older men is three times higher than that of younger people, according to the 2001 U.S. statistics for elder suicide. One of the main reasons it happens is that we don't like to talk about it...  Read more

How can I get my sister to help care for Mom? I'm the oldest and single, and I became the main caregiver since both folks were hospitalized at the same time about five years ago. I coordinate home healthcare, bookkeeping, medicines, nurse visits, home repairs, pet care, and so on. But I live 800 miles away. Since Dad died last year, I've been flying there every month. Luckily, Mom has someone come in to help her every day.

My sister, meanwhile, lives 30 minutes from our parents. She works full-time in a nursing home as an aide. She's poor and has two kids. Her husband has had a lot of problems, and she supports them all. I used to help them with money but can't anymore. She visits my mom maybe once a month. I've gone broke helping my folks, flying back and forth, and missing work. My mom now has to pay for my travel expenses, but she doesn't have that much money. Still, today Mom bought my sister a new car so her grandkids will be safe...  Read more

My mother-in-law has lived with us for 17 years; for almost a decade she's required 24/7 care. My husband promised her he'd never put her in a nursing home, and with the help of my husband and three teenage sons, I've been able to keep her at our home. (My brother- and sister-in-law don't help.) But I'm at the point where I cannot physically or mentally handle being her caregiver. I'm so tired and depressed.

Every time I talk to my husband about the issue, he gets angry. How do I help him soften to the idea of moving her to a nursing home?

Sadly, many families have the attitude that caregiving is primarily a "woman's job." It's going to be tough on you, and even on your marriage, but you're going to have to speak up, speak out, and stick to your guns to get yourself out of this situation.

You've unselfishly devoted yourself to your mother-in-law for years; it's time you started being appreciated...  Read more

Our adult son lives with us and is supposed to help me care for his dad, who's wheelchair bound. I hate to say it, but our son is mooching off of us. His two sisters pay him to help care for their dad, and he lives with us for free -- room and board. He drinks so much that some nights he just passes out on the floor. When I try to get him to help me get his dad bathed and dressed, he won't get up.

He says I do too much for his dad, but it's not his place to decide that. Whenever his sisters come over, he's all of a sudden helpful, and so they insist that the little he does is still useful. I'd rather he move out. It's one more thing for me to worry about. Shouldn't I be the one to decide if we need help?

Yes, you have the right to choose what kind of help you and your husband need. While I highly advocate family care and participation, sometimes our families just don't "hear" us. They love us, but they try to "fix" our situations with the easiest and quickest solutions -- which aren't always the best...  Read more

My husband's siblings have taken complete control of his mom. How do we end rare phone calls from them in a peaceful, adult manner? Whenever we talk, it turns into false accusations, frustration, anger, and disappointment.

When they lived with her, they wouldn't return our phone messages. (She lives out West; we're in the South.) She had asked us to set up and monitor her finances; suddenly we were kicked out of her financial affairs with no warning. Then, after we attempted to help her pay for the deposit on assisted living and move her in, we were pushed to the side.

After she was hospitalized, suddenly they started calling up, complaining about money. But now the three sisters have taken my husband off of the emergency contact list at the assisted living facility. I hope they didn't drain her bank account. At this point, we just want to be left alone. Is that so terrible?

Sibling issues...  Read more

My dad has Alzheimer's, and as a result, he's belligerent, rude, and asks a million questions all day long. I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I've snapped at him so many times. And I swear, at times I think he knows he's irritating me. Is this possible?

I've tried all the techniques -- divert his attention, give him something to do with his hands, ignore the questions -- and it works for a few minutes, and then I get sucked in and start yelling at him. How do I not let him get to me?

How do you not let it get to you? Start by doing just what you're doing: admitting that it does. Caregiving can "get on your last nerve," as my mother used to say about me when I was a child. The frustrations come at you from all angles -- the insurance problems, the bills, and especially the patient! You probably feel as if you're being pecked to death by ducks.

Yes, your dad may be aware of what he's doing at times...  Read more

My wife has had dementia for about seven years, and now she has breast cancer. I had to place her in a care home last year because she was constantly hitting me and sneaking out of the house. I lost her for two days and that did me in. I don't want her to get chemo or have her breasts removed. It would scare her and be so hard on both of us. I think it's time I let her go.

I've made my peace with this decision, but how do I tell my children and other family members? They may think I'm just being selfish. I'm exhausted, but I'm also thinking of her. I don't think she would want to live like this. This is by far the worst decision I've ever had to make.

You're in a heartbreaking situation no one deserves. Yet as spouses we sometimes find ourselves grappling with these tough decisions.

First, know that you're not being selfish. It might feel that way because you're so tired and so numb from caregiving...  Read more