Family Advisor

My husband is recovering from back surgery and is currently in physical therapy. All the way through this process, he's argued with me, avoided taking his medication, and ignored the doctor's instructions. Now he won't do the "homework" his physical therapists recommend so he can get well and eventually return to a normal life.

I'm worn out from arguing with him. I don't like to tell people what to do, and I'm a strong believer that we're responsible for our own bodies -- and lives. But his refusal to follow doctor's orders has a great impact on my life. How can I convince him to get on board with his treatment plan and stop rebelling like an unruly teenager?

Boy, you just nailed what it's like to be both spouse and caregiver. Our husbands don't want to take orders from us; they often think of themselves as the "strong" one, the provider. (Although I do know plenty of women who have always ruled the roost...  Read more

I've never seen this problem addressed before. I am a single 29-year-old guy, and my dad is 75 and has dementia and a heart condition. He lives alone but I check on him every day, and he has an aide who comes daily to take care of him. I'm falling in love with the aide, Marilyn, and think she feels the same way but is nervous about dating a client. Dad is the client, not me.

Complicating matters: Dad has developed a crush on Marilyn, too, and when he sees us flirting he gets really mad. What can I do?

It's not uncommon to find love in your own backyard. I know many people who fell in love with their plumber, mechanic, or contractor and ended up having a good, long-standing relationship. But it's also easy to confuse convenience and physical attraction with love. You work all day, rush home -- and there she is, someone who is caring, nurturing, and appealing. Flirting is fun -- it makes us feel alive -- but are you really a good fit for each other in terms of values, dreams and plans, and how you see your future playing out...  Read more

How do you deal with a caregiver who refuses to provide information? My brother looks after my parents, as my other brother and I are 400 miles away. Dad has chronic obstructive pulmonary disease (COPD) and Mom is a diabetic, and they live next door to him. When we make suggestions about having family conferences or how responsibilities can be divided, he doesn't respond

It's really hard to help when the caregiver is a control freak --- until he's had enough and wants everyone to drop everything and rush in to relieve him. How do we make this work?

You may be right that your brother is being an unreasonable control freak. But I'm going to try hard to get you to look at it from his point of view, too. He's the one, maybe voluntarily, doing the lion's share of the work. Being the primary caregiver can have a way of making some of us feel as if we should be calling the shots.

You may think your brother is behaving so badly that he doesn't deserve to be thanked -- but he does...  Read more

We just lost my dad to pancreatic cancer. My parents were married for 64 years, and for the last 27 they were with each other every day all day. Now I'm taking care of Mom, and I can't tell whether it's grief, diabetes, or something else that triggers her angry outbursts toward me. She constantly tells me it's her house and reads something negative into the slightest things, even when I'm helping her by clearing dishes or doing some other chore.

I've been letting her vent, and usually everything then goes back to normal. But her negativity is bothering me. Should I keep indulging her?

For some, grief comes out in sobs. For others, it comes out in snippy comments. When we get to your mother's stage of life, we can only hope we'll have understanding and patient caregivers like you who will allow us to feel all we need to feel, even the not-so-nice stuff.

If you listen closely, you'll hear clues about what's bothering your mom the most...  Read more

My mom wants me to move back home and care for her even though she's not really sick. She's going through menopause, and is demanding and self centered. She and my dad are retired and live in China, while I live in the States. Recently, she has complained that if my dad died, she wouldn’t be taken care of because she doesn't get along with my husband. She said she’s worried about her future and is depressed and lonely. She claims she doesn’t have any true friends and the only person she can rely on is me

Children from Chinese families aren’t supposed to neglect their parents, but I’ve felt angry at my mom for almost ten years. Sometimes, I even wish that I could formally cease my relationship with her. How should I handle this?

I hope you don’t cut your mom out of your life. But there really are cultural differences when it comes to caregiving, and you’ve chosen a new life ife in the States while your parents are living a lifestyle based on ancient traditions...  Read more

My husband was recently diagnosed with dementia. But already he's begun sexually inappropriate behavior that's a 360-degree change from the man I married. He acts out in stores to strangers and at home to other women in the family. It's devastating me and hindering my desire to continue caring for him.

I could tell you all day that it's the disease (whether Alzheimer's or another cause of dementia) talking, not your husband, but I think much of what you're experiencing is grief. We think of grieving as something we do after our loved one has died, but grief comes into play any time life or a relationship changes so much that the old way has essentially died. In many ways, you probably feel, your marriage and your husband are gone.

Sexually based outbursts and behaviors aren't unusual for those with dementia, including Alzheimer's. It's the brain getting "stuck" in one area that it's hard to get out of...  Read more

My brother is the executor of my mother's estate, and I vehemently disagree with how he's handling my mother's money. He's using it for his own gain and allowing my mother to squander what little she has left, fixing up her house so he can profit from the eventual sale and so gambling thousands away each month. I've tried to speak with them repeatedly but am told to butt out.

I'm so angry that I'm the one taking her to the doctors, caring for her when she's hospitalized from heart and lung disease, and doing the grunt work while he swoops in every couple of months. And she fawns all over "her boy." How do I deal with this anger and the fact that he'll continue to be in my life as long as I care for our mother?

In small doses, and when it's used properly, anger is like jet fuel. It can alert you to something being "off" and give you the courage to speak out. But also like jet fuel, anger is volatile and likely to burn you...  Read more

Please help! I am the sole caregiver to my dad, 87, and mom, 84. My sister has depleted their money to almost nothing. My dad insists on paying her rent, car payments, utilities, pet expenses, and everything else. It's almost criminal, but I cannot stop it. My father runs the house and will not change; my mother has no say.

I'm afraid that he might be willing to put himself and my mother on the street to keep my sister off of it. She doesn't work and can't find a job. (Why should she, since Dad pays for everything?) I provide all the care; she gets all the money. I'm at liberty to care for them and don't mind doing it. But I do worry about them.

I know this is frustrating and hurtful. Start by trying to understand your parents' motivations. Ask yourself, why is your dad so insistent on supporting your sister? Parents often feel responsible for how our children turn out...  Read more

After Mom's fourth hospital stay in a year, we decided to keep her in the nursing and rehab center, as Dad could no longer handle her care needs -- bathing, cooking, cleaning, walking, toileting. She thinks my cousin and I have "brainwashed" him into thinking he can't care for her anymore. She's being downright nasty, telling him that he broke his promise of "till death us do part." How do I stop Mom's guilt trips?

Your mom can’t see the "bigger picture" right now because she’s angry and scared. She has every right to feel lost and betrayed, and she’s taking it out on your dad partly because he’s a safe target. It's going to take some time and perhaps some intervention for her to come to terms with being in the nursing center, but if you and your dad feel she needs to be there, then stick to your guns, even though you'll probably still be in for an earful.

Your father is most certainly keeping his vows, and I hope you tell him that again and again...  Read more

My mom, who has diabetes, moved in with my family because she can no longer walk -- her leg was amputated -- has trouble with her eyesight, and can no longer drive.

I'm glad to have her here, and we've given her a bedroom, a den, and her own bathroom. The problem is, she's trying to take over. She criticizes me at every turn, telling me I should clean out my fridge, when it's time to take the trash out at night, and even how to parent my child. I'm 45 and have somehow managed to run my own life for quite some time. I know she needs more to do, and we're trying to get her involved in activities, but how do I establish that while I value her input, I am the "woman of the house"?

Your mom is trying to be the "woman of the house" because that's who she's always been. It's so hard to be respected and needed all your life, to have kids and a spouse to care for, perhaps a job -- and then have all those responsibilities to stripped away one by one...  Read more