My dad's relatives are like vultures after his stuff now that he's dying.
By Carol O'Dell, Caring.com contributing editor
My dad has advanced bladder cancer, and in the last few months, relatives have been coming out of the woodwork. I've overheard several of them ask if they're in his will (he's quite wealthy) and if they can have his gun collection and my mother's jewelry. One even asked for one of his collectible cars.
I resent this. I've been caring for my dad for ten years, and I haven't seen most of these cousins, nieces, and nephews during this whole decade. Is it wrong of me to ask Dad if his will is up-to-date? He's lucid, and I haven't read his will line by line.
Right now, I don't want to give anybody anything. I'm mourning his imminent passing, and I'm too hurt and angry to think about giving his stuff away to people who have shown up at the last minute. Is this my place to say? How do I handle this situation -- and my emotions?
It's your place to feel all the emotions that come with losing your dad -- anger, resentment, fear, grief, and loss -- and you have every right to ask how he wants his affairs handled. But if he's in his right mind, you don't have the right to decide for him.
As hard as it is, and I know because I had many of your same thoughts and feelings, your parent has every right to allocate his estate as he sees fit. We as adult children, family, and friends must respect that, even when we don't agree.
On the other hand, if your relatives' requests are upsetting him, you can tell them gently that now isn't the time to discuss these matters. It is wise to privately ask your dad about his wishes now -- while he is lucid. It sounds as if he knows he's dying. He may feel relieved to talk about it.
Start by sharing that both of you know his time on Earth is drawing to a close and you'd like to help him in any way you can. Is there someone he'd like to see again? A letter he'd like to write? Does he want to visit his wife's grave or have a talk with his spiritual advisor?
When he's had a chance to take care of some of the things that matter most, ask if he'd like to go over his will -- promising that you'll respect his decisions. Be sure to ask about other paperwork as well (insurance policies, health insurance and advance health care directive, titles to the house or car). If you feel his will or other paperwork is outdated, ask him about it. Move quickly to get things done. Be his hands and voice and help him finish life well.
Have you ever heard of an ["ethical will?"] (http://www.ethicalwill.com/whatsin.html). I think it's a powerful concept. An ethical will can be anything we want it to be: instructions for living, a letter asking forgiveness, historical information about your family background, spiritual heritage, and other pieces of wisdom or advice your loved one would like to leave behind. Ask if he'd like to help write his eulogy or write letters to people that you can transcribe or make a videotape.
Of course your relatives shouldn't be badgering him for gifts, but while this may make you hurt and angry at them, realize that your dad may need them, too. We don't love our family just because they're always there for us or because they're the most upstanding people but because they're part of us. Your dad may want to give to them for his own reasons. If he'd like to offer them certain items, let him do it now. Let him see their appreciation (or lack thereof).
As adult children, we can't always see the bigger picture -- that giving to his nephew is a way he can give back to the brother who died years ago, the one he so misses. Our parents did a lot of living before we ever came in the picture, and many times at death they reach back over the decades and try to reconnect, to make things right.
I have no idea what your father has left you -- or hasn't -- but what I do know is that if you find a quiet moment, you'll see that your biggest legacy is not in the things but what he taught you as a father and a man, and even what caring for him has given you. Make a list on paper of all you've gleaned. You've had the opportunity to know him in his later years. He's taught you about aging, living, and even dying. What gifts.
By focusing on what truly matters, you'll find that you can accept his choices. If he hasn't left you an inheritance, ask him about it now. Don't avoid the topic and hope for the best (you might not get it!). He may not give you the answer you want, but since you're the only one who seems to care for his day-to-day needs, you do have the right to ask.
I hope you can come to him from a place of quiet confidence, deep love, and sense of calm trust. We often get what we project. Remember, what you have with your dad, the journey the two of you have shared, no one can take.
Dear "Original Poster," I'm so sorry you are losing you father, AND I'm sorry the "vultures" have begun circling. They may BE family, but it does not preclude them from being vultures as well. Your father has cancer and is in the end stages. You say he is lucid. I would like to point out that in spite of his current lucidity, he may not remain lucid *or* competent all the way to the end of his life. This may be the result of the cancer itself, the pain medications he needs to endure the cancer, or any other treatments he has, or will, receive in connection with his illness. As his loving daughter and constant companion/care-giver, you, of all people, may be LEAST qualified to determine whether he is 1) CAPABLE of handling his affairs, or 2) capable of handling his affairs without having the stress of doing so NEGATIVELY IMPACT HIS MENTAL OR PHYSICAL HEALTH. Either way, it is DEFINITELY time for you to talk with your father about executing a DURABLE POWER OF ATTORNEY. If he already has a close personal attorney, you may wish to call him/her first, and ask for a home visit so that the two of you can discuss this with your father together. With your father's legal advisor there, you may feel "more comfortable" talking about business. Also, whatever the fruits of the discussion, the attorney will be present to execute any documents which are determined necessary. As your father's "gatekeeper" of ten years, you have the right, in my opinion, not necessarily to know the detailed contents of the will, but certainly to know who has been named as executor. If it is not *you*, then you may, for example, (especially if you are living with him in *his* house,) need to be making preparations for changes in your own life upon his death, You do not have any right to gather his papers, policies etc. unless you have his specific permission, preferably WRITTEN permission in the form of a signed, legally executed, Durable Power of Attorney. The extent to which you can "help" your father is pretty limited without that document. Once you have that document, and I assume he would want *you* to have it, you may do all kinds of drudge work to prepare for his death, giving him the satisfaction of knowing you are not JUST a caregiver, but are willing and ABLE to be there for him in EVERY way. This will open up a whole new level of sharing between the two of you, and give him even MORE CONFIDENCE that you are going to be all right after he is gone. You do not say if there are siblings, ex-wives, children by another marriage, etc. If there ARE, then that is all the MORE REASON for you to ask for Power of Attorney, and then review *with him* (with his attorney present if possible) every detail of his will. After all, the will may be several, or even MANY, years old... LASTLY, with respect to insurance policies, annuities, stocks, bonds, etc - ANY financial instrument may have a SPECIFIC BENEFICIARY NAMED TO RECEIVE ITS PROCEEDS UPON THE OWNER'S DEATH. *ANY* FINANCIAL INSTRUMENT NAMING A SPECIFIC BENEFICIARY OTHER THAN "100% to the ESTATE of..." ... BYPASSES THE WILL ENTIRELY, and is paid DIRECTLY TO THE NAMED BENEFICIARY. Because of this, if you do not review his papers carefully, you might end up inheriting everything "in the will" only to find that "everything" is in fact "nothing." And if that is his wish? So be it. At *least* you'll be prepared. With respect to the visiting "vultures.." YOU are your father's caregiver. You do have the right to assess for yourself whether these requests for "gifts" are upsetting to him or not. If YOU feel they *are HURTFUL,* even in the slightest bit, DO feel free to bring this vulgar behaviour up BEFORE you show them in. TELL them: "PLEASE refrain from upsetting him by bringing up property or money - his life was about so much *more* than just that." QUICKLY ADD, "You were always his *favorite _______,*" (fill in the blank - nephew, etc.) "and he cared a great deal about you, so I'm *sure* he has ALREADY left you an appropriate remembrance in his will..." If that doesn't shame them into truly saying goodbye *respectfully,* then they truly *ARE* VULTURES, and you need to get them *out* as quickly and graciously as possible... Good luck, Galowa, ; ) ©suzannemcable.2010 with hiyou tomeans that the
One vital element that has not yet been mentioned is the importance of having your dad's belongings appraised BEFORE anyone makes decisions for who gets what. You and the appropriate heirs need to be armed with knowledge about the values. This will also aid the equitable distribution later. Again, Julie Hall's book, THE BOOMER BURDEN, is a vital resource for this topic.
You have already received expert advice on this subject, but I'm compelled to suggest an additional resource. Julie Hall, The Estate Lady has used her 20 years of personal property and estate liquidation experience to write an extremely practical and compassionate book called THE BOOMER BURDEN: Dealing With Your Parents' Lifetime Accumulation of Stuff. More than just the "stuff", she deals with the emotions, the necessary conversations, the process of going through your dad's stuff, dealing with relatives effectively, and even caring for yourself during these sad days. Please read it soon, so that you can use her advice along with the suggestions already listed here. Her book is available on Amazon.com or from www.theboomerburden.com. She also writes a weekly blog on these topics at http://estatelady.wordpress.com.
Thank you for your helpful and compassionate answer to this question. Your suggestions to address advance directives and other end-of-life planning choices are so important to avoid family conflicts and confusion. The fear and denial of death in our culture often makes talking about these choices very difficult. LeaveLight: A Motivational Program for Holistic End-of-Life Planning provides tools for making such end-of-life decisions. By leaving a legacy of practical plans in place and an ethical will that addresses the intangibles, you can give the gift of preparedness to your loved ones. http://www.leavelight.com.