In the last five years, since my brother and dad died, my mom's living habits have become shocking. I've tried to help -- I've cleaned, reorganized, had garage sales -- but within a few months, it's back to being awful.
I love my mom -- she's funny, giving, and great company -- but I can't come home to this chaos every night and spend my whole night fighting with her because I have to move stacks of newspapers off the stove just to cook or find she's taken in yet another stray pregnant cat.
I'm not sure what’s going on -- dementia? -- but she's changed so drastically in the last few years that I know it must be something. How do I get through to her that hoarding is unsafe and I simply refuse to endure this situation?
Getting our parents help when they need it is part of being an adult child and a caregiver. We have to be their advocate when they can't, or won't, be one for themselves. At the same time, we have to create healthy boundaries for ourselves. It's possible that you'll eventually decide sharing a home isn't the best situation for the two of you.
I like the way you described your mom -- funny, generous, and great company. That's a good place to start, focusing on what's good about her and her life. Thinking about the ways she benefits you even now helps especially when things get harried and you get overwhelmed with all that "stuff" around you.
Before you can tackle the hoarding issue, you do need to know what you're dealing with. The [causes of hoarding] (http://www.caring.com/articles/causes-of-hoarding) can be psychological or neurological. You really need a physician such as a neurologist or a mental health professional to diagnose your mom. An expert can also give you practical advice on [how to keep a hoarding mother safe] (http://www.caring.com/questions/my-mother-is-a-widow-of-2-years-she-does-not-bathe-or).
In addition to any prescribed therapy and medication, I recommend encouraging her to visit a bereavement counselor, support group, or both. Losing a son and husband can have a profound, possibly devastating, effect. She might also be suffering from depression. As much as you love her, you can't be her all-in-all. If you're having a difficult time with grieving over your own losses, share that and tell her that you'd like to find grief support together.
You might not like this part, but I have to ask: Are there ways that you enable her? Do you take her to garage sales because she likes to go -- even though you know it feeds into her hoarding? Do you give her attention for her behavior, even if it's negative attention, by complaining constantly about the "stuff?" It's really hard to look at what our role is in our loved ones' unhealthy choices, but we often feed into their lives just as they feed into ours.
Even with help, the hoarding problem isn't going to go away fast. You're still going to be tested and frustrated. Be consistent. If she needs medication, make sure she takes it. If she needs therapy, make sure she gets there. She'll be looking for you to forget, get tired, and give up, so don't.
You can do these things whether you're living right there with her or not. If you do decide to keep living together, is there a way to create your own space? Could you have a bedroom door you can shut (perhaps even lock) when you're not home, and your own private bath? That could make a big difference while you work on the issue with professional help. Some caregivers mark off with blue tape a "clear zone" of, say, three feet around a living area.
I also find that focusing on the word "beauty" is a less-insulting way to discuss the clutter. Try telling your mom you need to clear the table so the two of you can have a space of beauty to eat your dinner.
Continue to protect a separate life from your mother. When I cared for my mom, I learned that I simply couldn't meet all the physical and emotional needs of another human being -- it was too much. So ask for help. The more we create a circle of care around our loved ones, the more we help enrich their lives -- and open our hearts to others.
Often we learn from our parents in unexpected ways. Perhaps your "life lesson" here is to learn to create a sense of space and serenity in your heart no matter what your outside surroundings may look like. I’ve known people who lived with hoarders and later took up feng shui or became a professional organizer! What I'm saying is, try to glean something good from being with your mom. That's what we have to do with life. Forget making lemonade out of lemons ---make margaritas!
My sister and brother-in-law are in their early 70s and have been 'collecting' for years. My sister shops everyday and the house is stacked to the ceiling with clothing that has tags still on them. A pipe broke in the bedroom closet and has been running water into the basement and costing them a lot of extra cost but they won't let anyone in to fix it because there isn't a path to get to it. My sister has had one lung infection after the other, my brother-in-law is hospitalized with bacterial pneumonia and high blood sugar because his test kit was lost and he hasn't taken his readings for who know how long. I am so concerned about him going back into this environment...the house is killing them both. Other than getting code enforcement involved the family just doesn't know what to do. They are extremely resistive to throwing or giving anything away. It is a terrible situation and we all feel so handicapped. We're afraid of a fire or a bad fall and not being able to get responders in the house. What can we do?
Hi lizzylizz, Thanks for your comment. Sorry to hear about your situation, hoarding (for whatever reason) is very difficult to handle. There is a lot of great information about ways to tackle this problem in this very blog post, I suggest you should start with those suggestions. I hope that helps, good luck! -- Emily | Community Manager
My parents buy n sell stuff online to support themselves..They have been doing this for years, which is great cuz with not many available jobs out there at least they are making money. On the downside there house is a giant wharehouse .My mom sleeps in her chair, my dad sleeps on the couch, and those are the only two available spots to sit in the house. I hear my dad coughing all the time, which worries me, cuz no windows are ever open, and the smell from the used stuff they sell is too me annoying. I worry that they could get sick, or already be sick from just no room to live. I try to tell my mom I would help them clean out there garage so we could move all that stuff from inside the house to the garage so they could have there house back, but she tells me it's fine don't worry about it..I can't help but worry because these are my parents, and I love them..I feel lost, and confused, and I need help on what I should do..
I struggled with this for 20 years. My mother began to save everything, newspapers, junk mail. I moved out her out of a large house too far for me to help her everyday to a smaller house, and that was a fight. Once she was in the smaller house, she complained constantly that she didn't have enough room. She went to the grocery store several times a day every single day and brought back food she would put on the floor because there was no more room in the fridge. It rotted. Bugs everywhere. I hired cleaning people to take it out, and she fought me, arguing over ever box of envelopes although there were hundreds and hundreds of boxes of envelopes. The arguments were horrible. She attacked me physically, screaming about the old newspapers and junk mail and food. Honestly, the only way out was to move her to assisted living, sell her car, and sell the house, which was trashed. My mother's problem started in her 70's, escalated in her 80's. She's 90 now, and still frantically carts around every small thing she can. I believe it is an illness. My mother is bright, educated, sensitive and giving and generous. I'm so afraid of the same thing that I throw out everything.
My recently bereaved mother and myself (I live back "home") have all the hoarding of my late father to sort out...not fun at all! Just take one day at a time...one thing at a time.
TO: NanaAnna -- No tears -- all cheers ! I felt so relieved and unburdened, actually. Ready to tackle the next closet!
To Anonymous in 'The Upper Eighties Echelon': You are an inspiration to us all! My mother (85) thinks she is 'keeping stuff for us kids' so I have a difficult time helping her organize. But I'll show her your post, and chat with her about perhaps talking with my siblings regarding what 'things' they would like to have. My thought is that everything else should go into boxes for charity, with her permission, of course. Thank you again for your story...I'm sure there were more than a few tears over some possessions, but you were stronger for your efforts.
After my children left home, my husband became disabled, my father developed dementia and died, and I lost my mother to cancer, all within a short period of time, I started hoarding. It took years to understand all the different things that I started hoarding were to recapture my happy safe childhood, to hang onto my memories of my children and to feel secure and loved. Even today, I wrestle with wanting more, especially around holidays, and I am paralyzed when trying to get rid of anything that belonged to my mother. Help your mother to understand why she needs to hoard and why it makes here feel safer or more loved. Then help her come up with a plan to heal those emotions without adding more stuff. Don't fight her, become her ally. You will both benefit from it.
MY AGE IS ALREADY IN "THE UPPER EIGHTIES ECHELON". MY LARGE HOME HAS HARBORED AND NOURISHED OUR TEN BIRTH CHILDREN (FIVE OF EACH,NOW GROWN AND FLOWN)UNTIL A FEW DECADES AGO. SO WHY IS IT THAT ALL OF THEIR EMPTIED-OUT CUSTOMISED COMPARTMENTED BUILT-IN CLOSETS GOT SO STUFFED WITH STUFF, AFTER THEY LEFT? It was so easy for me to just park certain things in them til I could decide what to do with the many outdated photos of my growing grandchildren and great=grands, books, tapes and many other miscellany. Recalling how two of my children had to spend ten days in another state to go through my deceased parents' house to prepare it for sale,I began to think of what my heirs would have to sort through and dispose of, unless I were to take action sooner. The Bible injunction to "SET YOUR HOUSE IN ORDER", became my logo, instigator and perpetrator! Of my five daughters only one lives locally, and she became my companion and coordinator (and sometimes my compeller!)in our organized effort to tackle the closets one by one. First we set out an empty grocery type box for each sibling, into which we were to place items that were relative to them in some way. For indistinguishable things, we made a "Whosoever" box for all to pick and choose. My first accomplishment was to pull out an old green plastic hamper stuffed with rotting rags, ultimately intended for cleaning chores, that never saw daylight--or dust. To think: that now-useless STUFF had been taking up that closet floor for doltish decades! What a victory it was, after an hour or so of our sorting on various days, to see two empty closets! Now and then I have to go the bedroom and just look in them to renew the victory feeling and to inspire myself to keep on keeping on. There remain books to sort through, documents in boxes and file cabinets, and more "undergrown" clothing, as I downsize myself as well as more closet contents. P. S. To set my house in order also includes seeing that all documents of importance are organized and properly implemented, to ease my executors' agenda.