Nobody wants to tell Mom that our sister is dying.
By Carol O'Dell, Caring.com contributing editor
My siblings don't think we should tell Mom that our sister is dying of cancer. (She's in hospice.) Mom has early-stage dementia and lives in an assisted-living home. She gets confused but for the most part still knows we're her children and asks about us often.
My siblings argue that the news would upset and confuse her, but I feel that my sister and my mom need to say goodbye and be together. I'm very close to my sister and I think she really wants and needs this.
I've thought of just going to pick Mom up, taking her to my sister's hospice room, and dealing with the fallout later, but I'm afraid it will really get ugly and taint my sister's funeral. What should I do?
Sometimes you have to do what you believe in your heart is the right thing to do and not worry about what other people think about it. Do make sure your sister wants what you think she wants. If she’s asked you specifically to help her see her mother, then I would honor that. She needs this closure and time together.
Even if your mom comprehends that her daughter is leaving this earth, there's no guarantee that she'll be able to feel it or understand it in the same way she would have before. Most people with dementia have an inability to connect all the pieces of the past and really engage in what's happening now.
Prepare your sister for the ways your mom might react. She might be upset and aggrieved, or she may act as if she didn’t hear or understand. She might "get it" -- then forget. Help your sister realize that the time might not go as she envisioned and that all she can do is follow the moment. Gently suggest that perhaps she’ll get the most out of it by simply being together again. She might not want (or need) to focus on cancer or the fact that she may die soon, but view this visit as a sweet and tender time to cherish.
Ideally, you'll allow your sister and mother to have this precious time to themselves. But stand by; sometimes when an elder with dementia doesn't see a loved one for a long time or senses that there's some sort of tension or anxiety, she can act out or get upset, and your sister may be too weak to deal with it. If that happens, you can help by stepping in to calm your mother. Ask her care supporters ahead of time what works best for her; perhaps you could offer her favorite food or a walk.
I wouldn't mention this visit to your siblings, before or after. This is between your sister and her mother. They don't get to vote on whether it happens. Simply take your mom quietly, and when you get back, keep mum. If they find out and start to get worked up, assure them that all went well and that your sister was glad. Stand your ground and refuse to get sucked into a battle.
Later, it may be wise to let your mom skip the funeral services. Someone with dementia can find it challenging to move mentally between the past and present. Your mother might not be able to grasp the finality of death. The day after the service her daughter might be alive -- to her. If she's had that wonderful visit with her daughter, that may be all she needs.
If your siblings get upset that your mom knows about your sister's passing, at least your sister won't have to listen to it! It will be a time to honor her life, and you can tell them it’s pointless to let a family squabble taint such an important day. Stay the loving family member you are today, tune out any negative feedback, and know that giving your sister connections with her mother gave her a welcome sense of peace and closure.
My husband has vascular dementia and early stage alzheimers and he would want to know if one of our children was very sick, even if he had difficulty with that information due to his condition. He raised our children and has an bond that goes beyond his illness so he'd feel the loss even if he couldn't express it. As far as our children go I know they would need to have closure with their dad even if he wasn't able to express himself as he once did, they would just need to feel his presence, just because he is their dad. I wouldn't listen to opposition from anyone in the family because time is wasting and it is too precious to waste when you're dealing with cancer and alzheimers. May God watch over you and your family, Bless you.
I would tell her. Even though she might forget, but you'all will feel better about it. And she might have the chance to say goodbye or be with each other. God bless you'all with healing, courage, strength in God. Bless You, Sharon
About your special situation. I agree with those who've said that this is between your sister and your Mom. Your siblings mean well but I wonder how they would feel if they didn't have a chance to say "goodbye". It's one of the most important things we will do in this life. I believe God will comfort them both, and you will have peace and no regrets.
The question about whether or not the daughter should tell her mother (dementia) that her other daughter is dying is timely. We aren't dealing with the same crisis, but since Mom's stroke last month, her dementia is much worse. She gets agitated when she can't understand what's going on and obsesses about it, repeating and repeating about it. It's hard to tell just how much I can tell her about important things. We had company today from Idaho and our dear sweet friend told her just how much she means to him and in what ways she has made a difference in his life. I was so touched but, sadly, Mom just didn't "get it" and she changed the subject to something that made no sense.. Fortunately, he understood and was able to move on. I will be praying for her sister and all who love her. Does she have a relationship with The Lord? Hope so. I really hope so.
I generally disagree with not being honest with someone about such issues under the notion that you are "protecting them". Your mother has a right to know the truth and to have a chance to say goodbye, whether or not she can clearly verbalize it.
Well,have u prayed and ask God how to handle to matter?I do agree that u must make a decision soon;Maybe ur sister just dont understand how this make u feel,sometimes if we find ourselves in difficult situations we are to go deep inside our heart and ask to question,if that was me what would I want?Sounds like u can handle anything if u just take chance,life is full of do and dont,rights and wrongs.take a real good look at ur mother and try to remember the kind of mother she use to be and go from there!we sometimes forget that they still have feeling even when we cant see it!
What a thorough and sensitive response. Thank you.
I truly believe that if your sister wants to see her Mother - please let them get together. It doesn't matter about your other siblings "opinions", what does matter is what you can do to honor your dying sister. Perhaps your sister feels her time is near and she really wants to see her Mother. She may not even tell her Mother that she is dying - but your Mother may "feel it". This way, you can honestly feel guilt free that you did as your sister asked you to do - she has no one else to turn to in helping her succeed in this mission. It could turn out to be the best visit ever between you, your sister and your Mother. They may both be so very greatful that you helped them. Whatever it causes regarding your Mother's condition, at least you are there to help her too. I only wished I could have been with my son when he died. He was in an auto accident - at least I was able to say good-bye when he left the house. The oddest thing happened - he had the driver stop the car in our driveway - he got out and came up to the front porch to give me a hug and kiss good-bye. It was something a 17 yr old would never do in front of his friends. When I look back, I realize he must have known - why else would he do something so out of his character? I'll be forever greatful he had the driver stop. I so very much miss his big bear hugs - I'm only 5' and he was 6'2"! He was my best buddy! I feel so very special for his last act of love to me.
I have stage four cancer and my mother is in a assited living place. I believe its up to the person who is dying and then their mother will be second. I would want to say good by to my mother. She was devasted when she realized that I had lost my breast so elected to not tell her that it was also in my bones. If and when the time comes that its my turn to say goodbye I believe its up the the person with cancer and mother. She also has early stages of dementia and she will beable to handle it and then forget. but don't keep them apart that would be wrong. Thank you and good luck. God Bless you and your family.
My Mother has early stage dementia and Dad had a heart attack. We knew how weak Dad's heart was but did not expect him to pass. Thankfully 2 days before he died, he and my Mom got to hug and kiss in his hospital bed. My opinion is that you don't have to tell your Mother your sister is dying but you need to take your Mother to see her. She deserves to see her daughter and would feel even worse if she did not have the chance to tell her she loves her. She may figure out her daughter is dying but the actual words don't have to be spoken. I was present when Dad passed but Mom was not and she felt terrible thinking no one was with him. I thank God that he sent me there that morning.
I have a similar situation going on in my life, though I don't think I am to the dying stage yet. I have been diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer and have undergone 5 rounds of chemo. The fourth round landed me in the hospital with a seizure that had me comatose for a day, and didn't know anything for two days when I woke up in the ICU. My 23 year old daughter is my main caregiver,( and has had to put her life on hold for now more on that at a different time). My mother had TIAs and landed in a sr. care facility last fall after she heard of a financial problem I was going through, so I am really unwilling to let her know about the cancer diagnosis. I think there could be alot more behind the siblings decision not to let the mother know...Please consider all the facts before easing your conscience. The mother will not know the daughter is gone. I am thoroughly convinced that Alzheimers is another way God gives grace to his children.. I think the daughter should be allowed to say goodbye as the mother is asleep or otherwise involved in her daily activities. It will give her assurance that her mother is going on with her life here on earth and will be okay as the daughter passes on to the other side.Please let the other siblings know of this decision as they have to make their peace with the sibling that is living on with them. The sister's death is enough of a trauma. They need to stick together, and know they are all loved and cherished. I hope my brother, sister in law and neices will abide with my decision for me to see my mother, but not let her know of my passing if that time comes. Thank you for all the wonderful information and things I learn from caring.com. I appreciate all the things I have gleaned as a full time caregiver, and now the one being cared for.