I can't get over my resentment at my sister and brother for not being there when my mother was dying of cancer.
By Carol O'Dell, Caring.com contributing editor
My mom died of cancer about 18 months ago, and she lived with me until the very end, when we put her in a hospice-hospital where she passed away. It was a two-year period of intense care that put strain on both my health and my marriage. I also quit my job to take care of her, but my sister and brother did next to nothing -- not even offer to help financially. Though they live two hours and five hours away, they didn't even come to see her at Christmas. They did show up a few days before her death, and they put on such a show at the funeral that you would have thought they did everything for her. They accepted loads of sympathy from our extended family and my parents' friends, which made me sick -- mostly for my mom.
Now my sister is planning a big family reunion, with matching T-shirts and a rented hall, but I don't want to go and make chitchat and act like nothing happened. My brother called and gave me the "family is important" lecture. I used to be pretty judgmental about people who haven't spoken to their siblings for years. I thought, "Just get over it." But how do I get over this? I don't respect them anymore. I don't want to get to the point where I never speak to them again, but I'm so disgusted, I can't seem to get my head and heart around this.
Be disgusted for now. You have every right to be. You put your life on hold to care for your mother's needs, at great personal and professional hardship, while your siblings seemed to sail through it all carefree. And you are angry and hurt not just for yourself, but for your mom.
Remember, though, that all of you will live with your choices for the rest of your life. No matter how convincing your brother and sister may have seemed at public memorials for your mother, in private they know that they did not do right by her, and I doubt that any amount of posturing can comfort them about that. For your own peace of mind, try not to focus on what they didn't do, but on what you did and what you gained from the experience.
Even if openness and honesty are not your family's way -- and it sounds like they're not -- I would strongly suggest having a frank talk with your siblings. First, try writing your feelings in a letter. Put down everything you need to say. Don't hold back. Part of the reason you may feel so "stuck" is that you've never allowed yourself to say everything that's bothering you. Don't worry about sending the letter. Let it marinate awhile until you see what parts of it "stick" and feel truest to you. Then sit down with them and tell them exactly how you feel -- talk about all that you went through and how very disappointed you are.
This will probably be very difficult, but confronting them head-on can't be any worse than holding your resentment inside and silently cutting off relations with them. It's certainly healthier for you. And you need to hear their side -- not because it will excuse their actions, but maybe it will help you understand them better. Only then will you know how you want to proceed with your relationship.
In regard to the family reunion, let me ask you this: If your brother and sister weren't attending, would you be interested in going to see your other relatives? If so, go. Don't let your siblings' involvement keep you from seeing the rest of your family. On the other hand, if your interest in the reunion doesn't extend to the broader group, you just may not be ready for a family get-together. That's perfectly understandable, and there will be other chances for that. Don't let your brother guilt-trip you into thinking that you don't already know that "family is important."
Above all, try not to let your anger and resentment fester inside you. Use them as fuel to get you out of this emotional swamp to the place where you should be: content with your own choices and happy for what care giving gave to both you and your mom.
its very hard when your parents are very unwell and you know they are going to die. at the time you wonder how your going to cope with everything but you do. afterwards when they have died it is a great comfort to know you did everything you could to make their last days the best for them. ignor what so call friends say and you do whats best for them and you. you were their for them when they needed you most and even they were so unwell they new you loved them and was their for them. it will help you alot after they have gone .
I can relate to what you are saying. I too cared for my mother while she had cancer. From the time she was diagnosed by taking her to her appointments to the time when things got bad by taking her into my home, taking a month off work (without pay and I am a single parent) to being by her side in my home as she took her last breath. I have three older brothers (I am the youngest and only girl) and two if them helped at the very end (the last week) by coming over once each for a few hours to give me a break, and then were there the night she passed. My other brother lives 3 hours away and didnt even visit her the last YEAR of her life. My mother made me the benificiary of her very small life insurance policy, didnt tell any of my siblings, and wouldnt you know, the brother who was never around was telling me that the right thing to do would be to split it. Keep in mind prior to this we never spoke, but now all of a sudden he is contacting me all the time. I understand how you feel. I did what i did because I love my mother and wanted to be there for her. I love my mother and wanted to be with her as much as possible knowing she would not be with us for very long. I suffered so much watching her lose her battle, giving her IV medications, and feeling like if I had done a better job maybe she would still be here, yet that same brother only thinks about money. It hurts. I just don't understand it.
I understand. I have 3 siblings that have pretty much left it all to me. I understand your resentment. It is very hard to deal with. It makes me mad that they go on about their happy lives with no regard to Mom or what she is going through. I have sold our home and bought a bigger one for Mom to be with us, I have changed my entire life. I revolve around Moms needs daily. When they do some little something, they act as if it is some big deal. She is only 1 1/2 hours from him now instead of 9 but he still doesn't come see her. My sister in in lala land. One brother does care and would but he just opened a new business 5 hours away so he is tied. I am very blessed to have her in her older years and I see her slipping. To go 2 months without seeing her can make a big difference. They just don't seem to care or are in denial. I get so mad at them. I have medical problems of my own to deal with and it gets so hard to keep on going. The Lord is my strength. An article on this website said to remember that I was probably the one to offer in the first place and I am probably the best one for the job. Yes, true, but does that dismiss them from being just as obligated as I am. I am carrying their obligation and I am so weary. There is a reunion Labor Day and I am not going. I will be shamed to death for it but I don't want to hear about the trips they have made and the things they have bought, etc. It urks me when they never come see Mom. I have always heard that things like this can break up a family and now I understand how. All I can say is look to the Lord for strength. He is all I have and all I need. God bless you.
I have learned that resentment only takes more of my energy. I have a sister that asked our cousin, who is a nurse to give our mother an entire bottle of Morphine to "Finish Her Off", during her last stages of Ovarian Cancer so she would not be inconvenienced, by having to drive an hour to the airport, fly and then rent a car to visit our mother who was dying. We can not control who our siblings are, but we can control how we respond to them. Now our father has Dementia, and TIA's, is 94, lives alone and does not think he needs any help. Fortunately I live in the same town and do what I can to take care of his needs, pay his bills, take him to his medical appointments, and social events, and now I am helping him with his vineyard and the harvest of his grapes in the fall. My sister feels he does not need help, does not have medical problems, and I over react. I have learned the hard way, to have everything documented, get to know Adult Protective Services staff in charge, In Home Health Care staff in charge, had advice from an attorney who handles Senior legal matters, and know exactly what I can legally, to keep my father safe. That is all that I can do. My sibling has another agenda for her relationship with our father, as she did with our mother. I will not allow who she is, to ruin what time I share with my father. Good luck on your journey. My mantra is, "Have no attachment to the outcome", "It is what it is", and "It is my journey."
All I know is that I am HERE, doing the day to day. I don't see it as I am sacraficing my life to care for my mom. I don't like it when people comment to me, "OH, your mom is so blessed to have such a good daughter." Heck, I am the one that is blessed to be here for her. It's me and her, and her and me. We are all we have. I have a brother, she a son, but I haven't spoken to him in years. I have nothing to say to him. As her son, he sends her a check for her birthday, mother's day, and christmas. He only calls or has his wife do it to ask if mom received the card and check? It's hard for me to bit my tongue and not say what I feel to him. He is the one that my mom has left in charge of my trust that she is leaving me. She says its cause she doesn't want someone to be able to talk me out of any of it. I won't be able to ask him for anything if I need something extra cause it says so in her trust, but if he feels pressured by it all or if he just decides to do so, at his disgression he can sell the house she's leaving for me to live in and terminate the trust. Without even telling me. So, he can just take away everything she leaves me and I can't say a word. BUT, where is he???? Is he even concerned about how she is or what her needs are? NOPE. Doesn't even call her. Doesn't want anything to do with her or me for that matter. But, he will be the first one to say in front of all those others who weren't around until after, if you know what I mean by after. I called her twin brother once to tell him that she was getting kind way out of it and it was getting worse. I said, I thought maybe you could come visit for a couple days and see that she's doing well in my care and to just visit her before it's too late. Her twin brother says to me, call your brother he'll know what to do. I responded, "I don't know how he could." Why would I call my brother? Alot of siblings consider their parents a great burden, and their life is just too important to take part in the care of our parents. I wonder, I wonder if our parents looked at us as such a burden to bare. The diapers, the money for everyhing kids needs, the long hours to earn enough to give us kids better than they had, the illnesses kids get normally, the worries, the disappointments we cause our parents. And the biggest disappointment must be that after all they sacraficed, all they gave up for us, all those years (and it doesn't end at 18), all those years they were here for us, after all that we as their children can't be bother with them cause they old and require help, or GOD FORBID they wet the bed, oh my gosh, it's too much for the children to even give them two days a week, one day a week. One day a month, or dinner on a birthday or holiday, or even a simple phone call. To wind this up to a close; KEEP IN MIND CHILDREN, YOU MIGHT GET BY AND THINK YOU DON'T HAVE TO ANSWER TO ANYONE, ESPECIALLY TO OUR DYING PARENTS FOR BEING SO SELFISH AND UNGRATEFUL. aND YOU MIGHT NOT HAVE TO ANSWER now, while your still here. You will and I repeat, YOU WILL HAVE TO ANSWER TO GOD. So, think about what you will say to God when he asks you, where were you, what makes you think you can treat your parents that way, WHY? I said "Honor thy mother and father" Your should have listened now you will answer to HIM, The Almighty God. He is going to be punishing alot of sons and daughters for not honoring their parents. I am not looking for sainthood, but I do know that God says He will not forsake us and we expect Him to keep his word, yet we forsake our parents. FOR what? Don't tell me for What, you need to explain that to God. I hope to never socialize with anyone that has turned their back to my mom, friends included, the one that just don't have the time or money to come visit but can go to Tahoe, buy a new car, can't spend a stamp cause their too poor, can't call their time is too important to stop and say hello or I love you. Well, until it's too late and then everyone has an opinion on how this or that, etc. Well, I thank you all for letting me vent, but family when it comes to elderly family or just regular family, they suck and they suck badly. No one is more cruel than a "family memebr" why, i don't know. They just suck, except for my mom. She's my reason for being here and I am gonna be here for her no matter what.
My 91 year old mother has been living with my family for four years now. She has dementia and arthritis and is easily upset. I am married with two sons, in their late teens, at home. We have not had a vacation in four years. We rarely go out together, even to just sit in the yard. My husband has reluctantly attended several family gatherings and funerals (his side of the family) without me. We hardly celebrate any holidays - changes in routine are too stressful for my mother. The few times we have had to take her to the hospital, she would be so upset that I had to stay wiith her overnight or they would have to restrain her. I know a nursing home would kill her because of her anxiety. I have five siblings. With the exception of one, they have caused me nothing but grief. Many times after they leave, I am in tears. They will not stay with my mother, even though she is capable of doing some things, such as using the bathroom alone. They will not invite her to their home, even for a meal, so that I can have a break. Because my mother loves to see all of her children, I try so hard to get along with them so that they will continue to have contact with her. However, once this situation is over, I never wish to socialize with them again. I don't neccessarily hate them, but the hardship they have caused my husband, my sons and myself is too great. Yesterday, I just had a call from a relative who screamed at me at 8:30 in the morning, saying that she will never forgive me for the terrible job I have done. Please keep in mind, that there are several agencies that I have helping me and they have all commended me on the wonderful care that I have given my mother and the sacrifice that my immediate family has given. I try not to cry too often, because it just makes my family's home life more stressful, but I cannot help but be resentful. I apologize for the lengh of this comment, but I know it is somewhat helpful to know that my situation is not unique. All we can do is hang in there and do what we know to be the right course of acton. Thanks for listening.
You can take some comfort in knowing that you did the right thing. That's something that you'll be able to draw on for the rest of your life. And it's a great example to the rest of your family. Your siblings missed out on that experience--not just the hard part but the rewards of being there for their mother--for reasons that only they fully know. Maybe it was selfishness, or maybe it was fear...or something else. The fact that they're now interested in getting the family together suggests they DO think family is important--whatever their shortcomings.