I'm a new widow, and everyone thinks they know what's best for my life.
By Carol O'Dell, Caring.com contributing editor
My husband died six months ago. I have some pretty major decisions to make -- selling his company and selling our home and land, among other things. I then need to decide where to live and what to do (I'm in my 50s and helped run his business.)
One child wants me move in with his family, another says I should move to a senior community. My friends think I should stay nearby and purchase a condo, and my late husband’s business adviser is urging me to downsize but still run the company.
I need to do something soon because of salaries, taxes, and other financial obligations and issues, but I'm overwhelmed to the point of being immobilized. I just want to crawl in bed and cover my head, but I don't want other people to step in and make decisions I have to live out.
How do I get to the place to where I know what's best for me?
If you haven't crawled in bed and pulled the covers over your head yet, I hope you will. You may only be there for five minutes or five hours, but give yourself permission to fall apart. Not only have you lost your husband and partner, you've been left with many heavy decisions to make. Take a break first and feel this loss -- as his wife. Grief will not be ignored or denied forever. It's a process, and we really can't move on until we honor it.
You may be afraid that if you "go to bed," both literally and figuratively, you'll never get up. That's not true. You will. Trust yourself. Cry. Lose it. Scream. Sleep until you can't sleep anymore. Eventually the most intense feelings will pass. You won't be strong enough or clear-headed enough to tackle the other areas of your life until you let yourself grapple with the loss of your husband.
Start the practical considerations by thinking back to all the conversations you had with him. What advice would he give you today? Then do what you probably did all along -- insert your opinion, argue, see it in the slightly different light of your own perspective. This is your life now, and he would respect you and want you to follow your heart.
It's probably best not to involve your children in the financial decisions you'll be making. Our family members can exercise too much power over us. We can listen to them a little too much or try to please them instead of doing what's right for us. This isn't about doing what others expect you to do -- this is about forging a new direction, one that you can manage and feel good about.
Give yourself a time frame to decide on your plan and put it into action. Will you do everything "right?" No, because there’s probably not a single right. You’ll most likely look back and think, *"I should have done this or not done that." * That's life. Don't let being afraid to make a wrong decision paralyze you. We have to keep moving, not in a frantic, panicked way but in a way that allows us to feel our power and strength.
Listen to your body and observe how it reacts. If you tense up and grow anxious about one direction, then that's probably not right for you. We house all our experience and wisdom deep inside, and our hunches are actually based on all we've learned along the way. That information is as valid as what you need to obtain from business advisors, a lawyer, and other sources.
You're still young, so don't feel that where you choose to live next is necessarily the last place you'll live. Keep your options open. After you get through the initial grief and deal with business and financial obligations, you might find that you go through a personal transformation. Instead of seeing the choices you have to make as hurdles, try to view your life as an intricate road map -- with lots of intriguing, even exciting possibilities yet to be explored.
My father all ways said to not make any major decisions for a year after a death. If the partner can handle the business with your help, maybe you could hang on for a bit, as far as the house, put it on the market, and downsize to an affordable place you'd like to live. If you can afford the mortgage, wait a bit. Nothing has to be done 'right away' and if you are being pressured into acting quickly, you may make decisions you are not happy with. My husband also died, but it was 3 years ago now. We knew he was going to die, so there was time to plan on doing things, and I planned on doing nothing for a year. Deciding to do nothing, to not make changes for a while is also a decision. Condo living is sometimes not all it's cracked up to be. There are fees and maintenance schedules you'll be responsible for that you may not be able to comply with on a reduced income. Give yourself some breathing room, take your time, and make real sure it's YOUR decision, not one that someone is pressuring you into. Moving in with someone, even a well-meaning child, may not be what will make you happiest. Or them for that matter. You have time, Your probate attorney may be able to give you some advise as far as taxes and other financial matters. You'll get through this, just make sure you get through it and come out happy on the other side. It is nice your son wants to protect and care for you, and depending on the situation you'd be in, like an apartment of your own in his home, it might be better for you, but what if you want to date later on? I'm 58, so I know that is a possiblity for your life. Your financial advisor may be giving you good advise, ask him for the pros and cons of your continuing to work with the company. You are only 50, and you have to do something, and with today's economy, it may be a good thing to be doing, instead of being unemployed. But, take a week, go to bed, turn off the phone and indulge yourself a while, you are entitiled to take some time. It'll work out, trust me, it really will. The part of having a death in the family of someone you love that is so aggrivating to me was that the rest of the world went on as if nothing signifigant has happened, while to me, his death left me devastated and alone. In time, the lonliness becomes solitude, and that's not so bad. My best wishes are with you, take care, and if this remains so overwhelming for you, please see a doctor for medication to help you through this. I'm rooting for you, and I believe you will make sound decisions for yourself. Janet
The response was direct, honest and reassuring, positive in its attitude. Reality is hard to come by. Thank you.
You need to mourn and go through grieving natural. There is no set duration, but individualistic. Feel your feelings and do cry and feel sad. It is a process. Do not rush it, and don't let anyone rush you. When you are ready, you will take steps to move on. Can you run the company and maintain status quo until you are ready to take the next step?
It is similar to my situation in that I lost my husband 4 months ago, and he always took care of everything. Now I have to and I'm unsure of what he would do were he still here. Life has taken so many twists and turns since then, and with 5 children all putting thier opinions in, I get confused at times. I'm 50 also and ready to finally start my own career in psychology, but still hesitant if I am ready to do this, especially now that he's gone. My life has changed in so many waysI feel so lost sometimes, but I've done the sleeping all the time, and the crying and the praying and asking for information and asked til I can't ask anymore of anyone and no one can make any decisions for me, I know, I guess I'm just not ready to make any concrete decisions without him yet. But, at least this article lets me know I'm not doing anything wrong, and what I'm doing is pretty much normal.
I have been where you are at in life . My advise is slow down take time to deal with your grief make the decisions that you really want. Children do not understand where you are in life nor does anyone else that hasn/t been thru the death of a spouse I have been thru it twice along with the death of a child . Listen to financial advisors and business advisors then make your own decision and remember in investing the financial advisor makes money don't be influenced to do something that is against your own belief. I would wait at least a year before selloing the home etc as a year from now you may have an entirely different outlook and always remember once somethig is sold you can't go back be very careful what you sell or give away and above all watch out for the scammers they are out there waiting