My mom just died, and I don't know how to be "normal" anymore.
By Carol O'Dell, Caring.com contributing editor
I'm 16. My mother became seriously ill two years ago, and I've been her caregiver. She recently died, and now I don't know what to do. She was my whole life, and now I feel empty -- and like I failed her. If she had someone better to take care of her, she might be here now.
I feel lonely, because no one really understands. My whole body hurts. I smile and laugh and function, but I'm falling apart. Now school is starting and that's a whole other group that I have to fake-smile and say, "I'm fine" to. I don't know how to climb out of this hole. I used to be such a happy-go-lucky person, and I feel like I lost that. Like I lost everything.
I want to tell you how courageous you are for being honest about what you're going through, and for reaching out. That takes guts, and it's your ability to put your sorrow into words that will help you get through this.
What you're feeling is absolutely normal. What's not normal is that you lost your mom, and that you lost her at your young age. At such times, it's as though our hearts and souls, and even our bodies, just can't accept death. It's a shock to our entire system. I too remember feeling lost and as though I had to fake it in front of everyone else. And all the things I'd thought I wanted -- to go to a movie, to have lunch with a friend -- none of that mattered anymore, because I'd lost something so much more important.
That's what grief feels like, and I don't know any way around it -- you have to just walk through it. You're also physically and emotionally exhausted from years of caregiving. It will take time to find a new normal, to figure out who you are and what direction your life will go in.
I do know that, in time, the sadness will start to ease off just a bit, that you'll start to feel connected to friends and your own life again. I hope that knowing this now will help a little. If you've always considered yourself happy and upbeat, that's a good sign. It means that's your natural set point, and -- believe it or not -- it will be easier for you to return to that way of being, because your body and mind know what that feels like and prefer to live that way.
As for feeling guilt that you could have cared for your mom better, you'll be able to see that more realistically, given time. You did not do anything to hasten your mom's passing. You cared for her when she needed you most and did the best you could. You were there to the end -- how brave that is! And even though those memories hurt now, I hope that later some of the sweet, tender, and even funny times will come flooding back.
Meanwhile, it helps to keep moving as much as you can. At school and in friendships and in life in general, you're going to feel like you're just going through the motions for a while. There will be a few minutes, or even hours, when you'll be OK, and then grief will wash over you again. But staying busy will distract you, and that can be a good thing. That break lets the healing begin. You can't and don't want to push what you feel away all the time, because that means you'll just have to deal with it later -- but a break sure helps.
I hope you have one or two good friends you can talk to, someone you can just be yourself with. Also, what comforts you, what can you immerse yourself in for a short while? Music? Renting movies? Working out? Focus on that thing. Do you attend church, or is there a place where you feel surrounded by people who care? What I'm getting at here is that though everybody's different, we all have ways we cope -- healthy ways -- that make crappy days more bearable. Learning how to comfort ourselves in nondestructive ways is important throughout our whole lives.
Grief is natural part of your healing, but if it gets to be too much, make some noise and reach out until somebody really hears you. Try as much as you can not to give into being completely overwhelmed by the sadness. A few minutes of hard grief, a bad couple of days -- these are inevitable; but if you become unable to function, you can't sleep or you sleep all the time, or you feel like there's simply no hope -- get help, and get it fast. There are bereavement groups, counselors, and even medications that can help get you through this.
I know it’s hard to believe, but one day most of the deep, hard hurt will subside and you’ll feel your mom’s love and goodness surrounding you. Just keep reminding yourself that she would want you to embrace life with your whole heart.
I am new to this and saw your post. I am caregiver for my mom. I am many years older than you and struggle with the thought of losing my mom. I am so sorry for the loss of your mom at such a young age and am hoping that since you posted this a few months ago maybe you are doing a little better. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Stay stronG. Obviously you have a strong will to have been such a good caregiver for your mom.
Although I was older when I was my mothers caregiver, i still felt the loss very deeply. The only thing I was sure of was that I did my best to make her life easier. you did a superb job for one so young. That's all anyone can ask of you, your grief will subside as time goes on.
Honey, you just have to realize that you did the best you could in the time you had with her. I'm 74 years old - just lost my Mom 9 months ago and I, too, feel lost without her and wish I had done more for her throughout our life together. Counseling does help (I'm a retired social worker) but I'd also add therapeutic art work. Sometimes just talk therapy seems to go in circles. When I go into a depressive state, out comes the $1 store art pad and colored pencils, pastels, and felt pens. I'm far from being an artist but I use the art to express my grief. Just give it a try.
Sorry for your loss of your mom.Don't beat yourself up,you didn't fail your mom.You were there for her and you are a very brave young girl. i lost my mom a few months ago and i was her caregiver,so i understand the feeling of feeling lost. Find others that have lost their moms,take up something new(playing the guitar for example)when you feel up to it. Also a pet helps too. here are hugs and i will be praying that God comforts you and blesses you.
What a brave girl you are! I just lost my husband to cancer a month ago and I was his caregiver, so I know how frightening it is to feel totaly responsible for someone's care. It is so frustrating to see their pain and not be able to ease it. I am sure you did the very best you knew how to do, and your mother must have been so grateful for you. Do not let the idea that you didn't do enough take hold in your mind! Be glad for the strength you had to do what you did. As for feeling normal again, you will, but it will be a new normal and you will find it one day at a time. Share your feelings with some one, do at least one thing you enjoy each day, your emptiness will be filled and your smile will be for real again. Many will be praying for God to comfort your heart, talk to Him and allow Him to do that. Please write again and tell us how you are doing.
Good stuff written here, for an impressionable 16 yr. old. This young person had no life of her own for two years ! Amazingly responsible youth ! Don't build 'em like that much anymore ! Mom was blessed. Now, time for self. . . . mom would want it that way. I'll wager mom was really upset about needing you as much as she did. Bet she'd have much preferred to have had anyone else look after her ~ not because she wasn't convinced you could help, but that she soooo would have preferred not to have tied you down. Sounds as though you have a good base for going into nursing. Pays well, and people don't not get sick. . . . You'd always have job, a way to look after yourself and be of such benefit to others. . . .Shoot, why stop at nursing ~ become a doctor and care for your patients as you wanted mom taken care of by her physicians. One thing I have learned in my old age, is that the measure of our grief is equal to the love of the one we've lost. I would not wish that away. . . . I do pray your grief not always be as intense as it is in the beginning. . . .that it mellows over time. My dad's been gone 35 years. . . I still miss him and he comes to mind often. . . I treasure his memory. As you will, your mom's. God bless you precious one. As God is with us in spirit, so too is your mom with you. She asks that you remember her to the children, her grandchildren you'll have one day. . . Take good care of you.~ Granny L
I lost my Mother yesterday. Though she has been in a nursing home for the last three months and she was on Hospice, I was not ready for her to go. My heart, like yours, is aching. Mother was my pillar of strength and I miss her so much. I am so sad to hear that you lost your Mom at such a young age. I am 65 but the pain is oh so very great. I do take in comfort in knowing that we got to say we love each other and prepare her to go home to be with the Lord; it's just, I guess, I wasn't really ready. I too was somewhat of her care giver and support during this time and I too feel so inadequate. This is a very, very hard time, but God will bring friends and family to comfort us. Your Mom is grateful for all that you did for her and yes, it was enough. There is a Scripture in the Bible that says, "My times are in God's hands" and also; "This too shall pass". We have those promises sweetheart. Receive God's healing touch for your heart.
Hugs marinparent, bunny 24
You are an amazing young woman. Do not be so hard on yourself! You are grieving and it is natural to feel such conflicting emotions. Grief counseling helps...I know that from personal experience. I lost my mom when I was 16 as well. Like you, I was her primary caregiver...for 4 years while she battles cancer...and when she passed I lost my best friend as well as my mom. Time does heal, but you need to permit yourself to grieve. I have never stopped missing my mom...I think of her often and missed her on my wedding day, and when I gave birth to my sons, and when I cared for my sister who died leaving three teenagers behind. But that missing shows you that you had a relationship. I bet you were her best friend too! You will miss her, but in that missing you will remember things she said and sometimes laugh, and sometimes cry, and sometimes thank her because that lesson you learned from her helped you in a certain situation. PLEASE join a support group. There are other teens that also have lost there moms. They need you as much as you need them. ANd from the sound of it, you have given a lot these past two years, and have a lot yet to give. Helping others who are experiencing similar feelings will help you heal and will help you grow. Be blessed, for you have been a blessing!
You did not fail your mom; you did an amazing thing by helping and caring for her. Please find your way to a support group or a counselor who specializes in grief work. Search on line and you will find something or someone. Although it is difficult, give yourself permission to be sad and grieve; also give yourself permission to be happy and laugh sometimes. It doesn't mean that you miss your mom less, just that she taught you to take joy in your life. I wish you well and I will keep you gently in my thoughts.
You sound like an amazing person. Definitely find a support group at your local hospice, church, hospital...somewhere! Don't count on other teenagers to understand or know how to help you. You have been through far more than they and you need people who can help you through this very hard time. It is natural to wonder "what I could have done differently" and "what if..." The fact is that you were the best daughter a mom could want, and your mom would want you to do everything you can to heal and go on with your life. You have a world awaiting you. Lots of hugs to you. Please post again and let us know how you are doing, ok? I am a mom too and I care.
Hugs CharlieB48
You are going through one of the toughest events anyone can experience--the loss of your mother. The deep sorrow, feelings of being "lost," the sense that others don't understand, and the continual self-doubt ("could I have done more?") are things I experienced as well when I lost my mother last year--and I was 50 years old! I can't imagine going through it at 16. My heart goes out to you. I sense you're a strong person, although right now you may feel that's not the case. No doubt your inner strength will help you through, but I hope you'll continue to reach out to others for support and understanding as well. If you find your mind wandering while you attempt to study, maybe remind yourself that continuing to move forward with your life is the highest form of respect you can give to the woman who brought you into the world. I will keep you in my prayers, my dear.
Being a mom of a daughter myself...my heart breaks for you. Dear girl, you did NOT fail your mother. Please never accept that thought again. If your mother could, this is what she would say to you right now: "I love you and I am so incredibly proud of you. I hate it that I got sick and that you had to take care of me...but what a great job you did with that difficult task. Never doubt yourself. I know how much you love me...but I want you to move forward and live your life to it's fullest. You deserve that and nothing would make me happier." You will most certainly be dealing with "survivor guilt"....meaning questioning why YOU are still living, while your mother is not. Please reach out to a counselor at school. You need someone to point you in the direction of help. What a strong and courageous person you are! Bless you.
I am so sorry for your loss. Losing your Mom at sixteen, after years of care-taking, is both emotionally and physically draining. It is important that you be able to express your sorrow and your pain so that you will be able to heal. Maybe you don't have to put on a false front. It seems to me it would be okay to let people know you are feeling sad and lost. Of course you are! One source of comfort for me in dealing with loss has been to read books about it. In doing so I have found understanding and sympathy in the writer's words. One to try might be "How it Feels When a Parent Dies" by Jill Krementz. if you look this up on Amazon, you will also see other titles that may appeal to you. Or go to the public library and ask the librarian for suggestions. Perhaps at school there is an adult whom you trust, a guidance counselor or teacher who can point you in the right direction for grief counseling or who can provide refuge when you are feeling overwhelmed in school. You have suffered a great loss. Be gentle with yourself and patient. I send you love and prayers.
I'm reemphasizing the advice about finding a group to support you. Since you lost your mother at such a young age, you may find that most of your friends can't really understand and support you as much as you need. I'd suggest you seach on line for support groups or organizations for Motherless Daughters.