I feel so bad for my mom. After several years of heavy and stressful caregiving, we found Anne (not her real name) about three months ago. She's a great home care aide for my dad. Finally, he's cooperative and smiling again. He has mild dementia and is in a wheelchair after a severe car accident, along with other ailments. She's really amazing with him, which is wonderful to see and so much easier on everyone. He's really bonded with her, and I think he may even have a crush on her.
The terrible part is that Mom feels sidelined, and she's jealous. Although I understand how she can feel this way, I'm in their home a lot and I don't feel that Anne is acting inappropriately. She's a funny, vibrant, and totally professional aide with tons of caregiving experience.
Anne is really trying to include my mom, but Mom now wants to fire her! We really need Anne -- so how do I get my mom to be OK with this situation?
If you can, help your mom shift her perspective. Anne is there for all of you. Your mom won't need to feel jealous if she starts to realize that Anne is there to nurture her as well. You might even need to tell your mom flat-out that she could potentially gain a friend and confidant in Anne. It sounds as though Anne is trying to give your mom time and attention, so you may need to help her see that.
Many spouses feel guilty for not being able to "do it all," and those feelings can manifest in many different ways, including jealousy. It takes time and encouragement to move past those initial feelings of guilt or concern. Encourage her to see the upside of creating a circle of care. Show her the benefits -- she can once again step out to enjoy her friends occasionally, take a well-deserved break, and even pursue some of her own interests. Treat her lunch or take her to get her hair done -- help her do something she's put off for a long time and would really like to do. Remind her that she'll come back rested and refreshed. She may also learn that it's good for a couple to take short breaks from each other; it makes the missing all the sweeter.
But start slowly. Use terms like "Dad's care team" or "Dad's care circle." Your mom may feel more in control if you help her create a system and schedule with Anne. Include other people too, such as neighbors, volunteers, or church members, so that your mom can start seeing Anne as a part of a bigger picture, not as another woman encroaching on her territory. Show her that she's her husband's care coordinator, and help her realize that this role is different from being his wife -- and it's an important role that no one else (including Anne) can take on.
And if you can, help your mom laugh at her husband if he gets a little flirty with Anne. A little is OK. We don't have to feel threatened -- we show our strength and confidence in ourselves and in our relationships when we don't let silly things bother us. It sounds like you're often there when Anne is, so show that everyone can get in the mix -- laugh and kid around yourself. Encourage your mom to roll her eyes if her husband gets a little too whatever. Show her how to rein him back in -- in a way that's not embarrassing. Nudge her to get in there and flirt with her own man! Your dad might enjoy all the extra attention and cheer up even more.
On the flip side, remember that friendly banter is OK and natural, but don't be naïve. There are extreme cases when a care aide has truly undermined a relationship and gained control -- often with a monetary goal in mind. Be savvy and keep an eye on the situation. Expect and create an atmosphere for the best, but be wise and alert for any foul play. Keep an eye on your parents' belongings and financial information; that's just good common sense. Make sure the doors stay open, and be aware if Anne (or any caregiver) is in an area that she doesn't need to be in. We have to protect our elders much as we would protect our babies -- they're both precious and vulnerable on many levels. It's the role of the spouse and family members to protect them in every way.
While I hope this doesn't happen, if your mom can't grow comfortable with this care aide, don't give up -- look for another. But before it comes to that, remind her that many wives can't physically (or even emotionally) care for their spouses. Men tend to be bigger, taller, and, many times, less agreeable to personal care. An outsider is often the best, if not the only, choice.
Jealousy is a normal part of life and relationships, but I hope your mom won't let it get in the way of good help. It sounds as though your parents have found a great care aide who can bring sunshine and support to their lives. Yes, keep healthy boundaries, but help your mom learn to relax and feel that she has a partner in care.
After reading these posts I realized why I am passionate for advocating for adult caregivers. It is a difficult job with a lot of responsibilities and often rewarding. There are times when caregivers have the support they need but often they don't making them feel overwhelmed, exhausted, and physically and emotionally drained. This is one of the reasons why I began researching Adult caregivers. Currently, I am conducting research on Work-family Spillover and Adult Caregivers. I am examining Adult Caregivers and how this role impacts their satisfaction, performance, and mental health. If you are or were a caregiver please feel free to participate and complete my on-line anonymous survey at: www.tinyurl.com/kimyatta. I would truly appreciate your feedback and if you know of anyone else interested please feel free to forward my link in support of my doctorate degree. Thank you in advance, caregivers4kd@gmail.com
I am impressed with your reply Whoever You Are and I am sure that if your advice is taken and acted on it will given time resolve the situation. Family involvement is an important element. As for Stan's reply, I think he has hit the nail on the head. Some family caregivers will see the professional as a relief from care-giving and give them more time for other things but also view the professional as an intruder. I have a family member who requires 24/7 care-giving and I have been in the situation that Stan has outlined. Fortunately we have wonderful professional caregivers that allows the family respite but who also work in well with the professionals. This has resulted in steady and sometimes remarkable improvement in our family member's recovery. As much as possible we have treated these caregivers as friends and as family members. This has helped them and us cope with the situation and move ahead.
Since most of my hospice volunteering occurs in homes, I've run into this problem--not that often over the past 8 years, but enough so that I'm always vigilant about it. The suggestions in the article are all valuable. But I think they are the second step in addressing the problem. Home caregivers have given up a significant number of their needs to care for their loved one. Sometimes it's substantial, others times minimal. Regardless of what has been lost or the amount, it still constitutes something "missing" in their lives. While the family caregiver may view the professional caregiver who comes into the home as the means for regaining a loss (e.g., more time to spend with friends) they sometimes are viewed as an intruder who is changing a relationship the family caregiver has with her loved one. While all of the practical suggestions in the article are wonderful--and I've used them myself--I think it's important to first understand what may be the losses a family caregiver has suffered, and what is still left in the relationship with her loved one that's important. Since my role is to serve both my patient and his family members, I try to provide relief to the family in order for them to regain a little of what they lost, and not to jeopardize what is positive in the caring relationship they have with her loved one. Since there is so much that is stressful and difficult for family caregivers, it's important to preserve and jeopardize what's positive. Sometimes logic and words aren't enough to reduce jealousy--but actions that preserve the positive and reduce the negative aspects of relationships may be. I address some of these concerns in an article I wrote: CAREGIVERS: WE'RE NOT MOTHER TERESA http://stangoldbergwriter.com/about/cargivers-were-not-mother-teresa/