My mom is a pushover -- and my sister is taking advantage of her kind heart!
By Carol O'Dell, Caring.com contributing editor
My sister is getting a divorce and is moving back in (with her two kids) with our mom -- who is already caring for our dying grandmother. I've tried to tell my sister this is just too much on our mom right now. My sister, though, has always been the kind of person who thinks that whatever she's going through is worse than anything anybody else is facing.
Mom's on the edge these days -- she and her mom are really close. Our grandmother is in hospice, but at home. Hospice said it could be weeks or months, but my mom is by her bedside 24/7.
I help out on the weekends, but I have to work. I don't see my sister pitching in, either. In fact, I guarantee that she'll expect our mother to watch her kids after school until she gets home at 7 at night -- and she's already dating again!
This just isn't the time to add drama to our mother's life. What can I do?
Some people have a tough time saying no, and much as you want to protect your mom, you might not be able to. Her relationship with your sister has been built over a lifetime, and she's the only one who can change it.
The good news is that sometimes caregiving is so intense that we just tell it like it is. Your mom's devotion to her own mother may give her the courage and focus to say "no" to your sister.
You can try to confront your sister yourself, but unless you offer another solution to her living situation, you may not have much of an impact. Your sister is self-protecting, and her "need" is based on fear -- a fear that if she doesn't control and even manipulate the situation, no one will come to her aid. So before you blast her, try to help her find a solution. No, it's not your responsibility, but if you want to help your mom, you should probably start by helping your sister say out of your mom's house (and hair).
And yes, some people are takers. They act on the belief that life owes them something. You can't change them, and all you can do is recognize when a "crazy-maker" is in your midst and make sure your boundaries are secure. You can still love your sister, but you must also love yourself by not allowing her to run rampant through your life. The problem is, your mom has to recognize this as well. And most mothers don't like facing ugly truths about their children, no matter what age they are.
But I have to ask: Is there something about your mom that attracts this? Has she always been the "hero-mom?" Has she always taken in strays, helped neighbors because they had no one else, and had one of the most generous hearts you know? That's commendable, and the world needs givers, but she may have tilted a bit too far. This could be a lesson she needs to learn (we all have lessons), and you may need to let the situation run its course without your interference.
And I hate to have to ask this question, but why does it bother you so much? Have you always been your mom's protector? Have you always been angry at what your sister does with her life, even when it doesn't directly affect yours? Are you also a "hero" -- a hero for the underdog? Do you find yourself defending others, getting impatient and frustrated with the injustices of the world? That's also commendable, unless it too has tilted and has an unhealthy impact on your life, to the point that others may not need or appreciate your input.
I know all this sounds strong, but I've learned that caregiving can bring out the best and the not-so-best in us. I know it did for me. The upside is that it allows us to look at our lives and see what's pushing our buttons. It gives us the opportunity to take stock of our family issues, to let go of some and to simply accept others.
What would happen if you just loved them both as is? What if you decided to stay in your own territory and let them have their relationship without your interference? What if you came over and sat with your grandmother to relieve your mom, just because you wanted to? What if you brought dinner and a rented movie for everyone, just as a gift? What if you practiced accepting your sister just as she is, not because she's perfect but because she's family? What if you didn't have to fix or solve anything?
See how that feels. Can you breathe a little easier? Or do you hear yourself saying, "Yes, but. . . ." It's so, so hard to step out of the hokey-pokey middle and only dance our part. When we do, we stop making new tangles, and others might not even know how to act around us. But they're somehow grateful for the trust and space we give them. Let your mom and your sister figure this out for themselves -- or not.
Try not to let your sister moving in with your mom to strongly. I am sure as you have said your mom is at her mothers' bedside 24/7. It sounds to me that she is not going to let anything/anyone get in the way of this. Perhaps if your sister see's this she will soon realize that she has come at a wrong time. This time mom doesn't have time for her and her children and she will have to move on. As well it sounds as though your sister is in a tough situation. She needs somewhere to go and where do we go "home" if only for a short time hopefully. Let things' go for a time, you can have conversations with "mom" and I am sure she will tell you exactly what I mentioned above. If it comes down to the point of your sister taking advantage then step in, but only if she needs to be told. If it gets' to hard on your "mom" if your sister is doing nothing to help as in making a mess, not cleaning up after her children etc. then tell her. Yes I can see that your mom has a soft spot but I think if things get out of hand that hard shell will come out and let your sister know that she cant' take it. She has enough on her plate, I can totally understand where you are coming from so please dont' think that I am not on your side either. You know your sister much better than anyone can give you advise on. Just sit back for time and see what she does/doesn't when it comes to your mothers' home. I'm sure that if you were in need yourself your mom would welcome you with open arms'. Has your mom set a time for your sister living there? Has she told your sister what and what not to expect from her? I would sit and have a talk with your mom, she may be at wits' end and just couldn't say "no" to your sister even though she is going through rough times' herself. If this is the case you may have to be the one "unfortunately" to tell your sister that she is being ignorant to the fact that your mom has allowed her to return home with children and all but not to be her maid or supporter. Perhaps your mom feels with someone being in her home namely family that it will give her support. Only you know what your sister is capable of, whether that be vindictive, helpful or a couch potatoe. I feel bad for you having to be the one that is the go between. It causes' harsh feelings,resentment that she is taking advantage. Just try and give your sister a chance, I'm sure by the sounds of it this has happened before and you know where your going with this. I see no jealousy in what your saying only concern for your mother. However dont' allow this to stress yourself out, stress causes' so much illness' among other things which includes anger. Whatever you do, DO NOT let her bring you down in the process. Be there for your mom in case the call for Help comes through. Your sister may find that she has come home to a completely different "mom" who has no time for her because of her own mother that being both of yours "grandmother". She may only stay for so long knowing that she doesn't have that live in babysitter, cook, laundry etc. and alternately move on her own. Keep your eyes open as well as your ears'. Hear what your mom is saying and read between the lines. Nobody knows' "mom" better than yourself. I do hope your wrong, but again if your sister sees' nobody there to bend to her wishes she may just leave possibly on a bad note however she MUST realize that your grandmother right now is the most important in your moms' life at this time. If her nose is out of joint then obviously you know that she moved in for only one thing and we both know what that is. Sending you a Hug and a Prayer! Again try not to stress yourself, upset the applecart at home with your own family. This will only result in hurtful words that are not meant and if you yourself have children, this will effect them as well in the long term. Take care and I wish you and your mom well. Be there for your mom, there is nothing worse than seeing your own mother leaving you. I lost my mom in 2004 and believe me, even though I knew that she was ill prior to, it certainly didn't change anything when she passed away. Both of my parents' are now gone and I cant' stress enough that every waking day, every bit of time spent with both of them prior to their passing just broke my heart. They weren't just "mom and dad" they were my best friends. Be there for your mom, she is going to need your full support when the time comes.
This is a simple case of sibling rivalry showing its ugly head. Sometimes a little child in the household is EXACTLY the kind of distraction an older caregiver needs. Especially a grand child. The hugs, the laughter, the representation of hope and rebirth in the midst of death and despair. From all indications, the dearly beloved will soon depart and what then? An empty house for mom? No. She will have the love and company of family right at her fingertips. Tell this jealous sister ,'Go take a hike'.
Excellent advice! Learning to accept & enjoy others in their own space is one of the hardest task for some but the reward is tremendously uplifting. It require relinquishing control & removing the burden of the world from one's shoulders. My mother was under hospice three yrs., I was there, my darling husband was there for both of us. My mother lived 17 days without nourishment before her death. Sad isn't the word for that. Now my husband is seriously ill & has been helpless for over a yr. following 26 yrs. of our son's illness & death 15 yrs. ago. He began "going down" after our son passed on but last yr. developed serious health complications & will turn 79 soon. I lost two brothers & mother within 8 months, an older one in '93. Now the only two siblings left have "parted ways with me" since the day of my mother's funeral. I was executor of her affairs & could see that coming, long ago. So that part of my life is over & I can handle it. I'm sorry for them, their loss. On the brighter side, I was blessed in this life with two wonderful sons, my oldest is my guardian angel & lives 2000 miles away, too far for us parents but if we had them next door 24/7, to quote my mother, "it would never be enough", he is always here when we need him. My husband, my best friend, my soulmate is a joy each moment of the day. Oh I know one or both of us will be gone soon but it's the natural order of God's plan. We accept it & do the best we can. The main thing is to find ways to live our lives in peace & not to take ourselves too seriously. The way I see it, wasted energy, regrets or living for yesterday is a killer of mind, body & soul & I'm so blessed & grateful for my live that I don't choose to destroy whatever I have left. My health isn't good, so, I can stand on my soap box & spout advice but seriously my darling, giving you mother & sister their space & enjoying them, going home & remembering whatever gleem of happiness you shared this time might just release you from the burden you're carrying. At least try it, it could become a healthy practice! Who knows, you might learn that happiness "in the moment" is a great asset to the following hours. Believe me, I do understand the protective side of you but what is your alternative? Only you, yourself can answer for you. Good Luck, prayers & hugs.