My 79-year-old dad has moved in with me while he's recovering from open-heart surgery. Before the surgery we talked about him staying here for three or four months and then looking for a condo nearby.
Now he's all doom and gloom. He made me drive to the cemetery with him to check on his lot and order his tombstone, and he's written out instructions for his funeral. He talks about "when I'm gone" and "I don't have long" all the time -- even in the grocery store and to perfect strangers. It's really wearing on me, and I've gone from trying to encourage him to simply being frustrated.
How do I help him have hope and purpose again -- or at least stop complaining all the time?
Your dad is just voicing his fears -- and he may be a bit of a drama dude as well. A lot of this is about control. We can't call the shots, but we can change our perspective. If it's only been a few months since his surgery and he's not normally like this, then be patient and expect his natural personality to eventually resurface.
Depression and heart disease go hand in hand. There are many studies that show this connection, and some of the medications he has to take right now could also be contributing to the problem. Talk to his doctors about these concerns, and don't forget to encourage your dad to talk to a therapist, his clergy, or a trusted friend. He has a lot to work through, so give him the time and space he needs.
If it really gets bad, though, try calling his bluff. People like to vent and make a big deal out of things, but they don't expect or even want us to actually agree with them. Use a bit of humor and sarcasm to lighten the subject. Ask him if he'd like to go by the funeral home and check it out, or bring his tombstone home. Only you know how much you can tease him, but some gentle nudging might help him loosen up a bit.
You can also encourage him to plan out everything to the nth degree. After he's taken care of all the details, he may feel more at peace. Or he may not like you butting in, and then you can tell him that while you understand how scary all this is, his preoccupation means he's missing out on the day-to-day moments he still has.
My mom was similar, and the daily "I could go at any time" outbursts really got on my nerves. Try blocking it out, changing the subject, or putting on some music or an audio book. Or clap loudly and say in a strong voice, "This isn't healthy for me. If you keep it up, I'll have to leave the room" -- and then do leave the room if he keeps it up.
Remember also that while your life is full and chaotic, your dad's isn't right now. Does he spend time with friends his own age who could serve as good role models? It's easy to stew in your own problems when there's no one around you can relate to. Make sure he gets out of the house regularly. Most communities have great outings and activities for seniors. Get him together with other older men and women who've adjusted to life's curveballs (illness, losing spouses, moves, and other inevitable changes).
Meanwhile, as soon as his health stabilizes, go ahead and take him to look at condos. If your dad can live nearby and you can maintain a sense of privacy while still being able to keep an eye him, I think both of your stress levels will begin to subside. And he'll be much better at creating his own daily routine, connecting with friends, and settling into his new life.
Your dad agreed to heart surgery because he wanted to live and feel better. Do all you can to steer him in that positive direction again. Surround him (and yourself) with upbeat movies, enjoyable outings, and new connections. Be an example -- a person with a vibrant life and a circle of close friends. Show him that life can indeed be good again.
my dad is similar. he's nearly 64 but had to retire a few years ago due to lack of work (hes a bricky). ever since he's had a mild stroke (which he talks about everyday like it was severe) and a heart attack that was so mild it was only just picked up by whatever tests the doctors did. every single day i ask him if hes ok and he says no and then he goes and reels a list of what is wrong with him, however, whenever he goes to the docs or the hosp they never find anything wrong with him. on top of that he never leaves the house other than to get his morning papers or the occasional trip to the shops, so its not like he does anything else that he could talk about. he just sits n stews on his 'ailments'. ive tried getting him into hobbies but he doesnt want to know, it's as if he enjoys living his life this way. i've tried telling him that him talking like that upsets me as i'm only 24, i dont want to have to think about a life without him around, that doesn't work either. im at my wits end now and it is really getting me down as selfish as that sounds. any ideas?!
pray for patience and let him grieve the way he needs to. keep positive around him, but realize that he will die someday -- he may have a premonition, or he is venting his fears. His life has been turned up-side-down with this surgery. your role is to be PATIENT, UNDERSTANDING, SUPPORTIVE, and ENCOURAGER. if there is a belief system, then refer to that. if needed get him to a holy person, counselor, or some third-party "listener" -- you are too emotionally involved and could be causing denial on your part. at 35 years old, my fiance said he was dying soon (he wasn't even terminally ill) and he did -- a month later. i wish i had supported him better rather than telling him to stop talking about it and no, you're not... LOVE your dad - you never know how long you will have. support him in talking about his fears, thoughts, etc of death and find out what his wishes are. tell him you love him. if he dies, then you have no regrets, if he lives then you have extra years- icing on the cake !!! but -- BE PATIENT and LOVE HIM
Sometimes when people are near death, they just seem to know it. I applaud your Dad fo taking care of his final details. My mother did that many years before her death. She even selected her casket. We asked her to not buy her own flowers...to at least let us do that. It gives them a sense of peace to know that burden will not fall on you. So what if he had attended to those details and it is years down the road before he needs it...at least it is done. We children think that because they have always been there, they will always be there. Not so. Perhaps he is suffering from depression but maybe this is how he works through it. Don't be so hard on him until you have walked in his shoes. My husband had triple bypass at age 61. His recovery was long but today he is fine and living life fully. He managed to get through it without anxiety meds. For evry med you take, you have to consider whether the side effect is worse than the condition being treated.
The recognition of the need for consideration of treatment for the depression that often follows heart disease treatment and the need for the adult child to set boundaries for participating in conversations caused by the depressed mood of the parent - as well as practical solutions for mutual relief.
Hope my comment could be of a help to you dear Carol. If you can see a Homeopathic Doctor for an advise on this issue that would be of a great help to ease your father's depression. There are a lot of patients who fear their death and even predict the day and time for their death which of despair from life and he thinks that there is nothing that remains for him in this world. There was a fried on mine whose father had the same problem. Who predicted his time and day of death, on consultation to the surgeons in Pakistan they toled him to be treated surgically with a chance of 1% life expectancy. After his consultation to a Homeopathic Doctor he advised him a medicine and everything cleared up in a week period. He is enjoying his life with his family now.
If nothing else, you can use this time to really discuss end of life issues and complete a living will. Talk it out completely and then do your living will, too. It is important to have your fears acknowledged. The more they are ignored, the more dramatic the need to be heard. I would be very interested to hear his thoughts on your end of life wishes. It really could be a gift for both of you and if he has a living will already (I suspect he did it before the surgery) discussing your wishes would be a different focus and may bring to your attention some of the fears thoughts he is experiencing. Once discussed, just feed the positive moments and starve the negative ones. You will now be able to say, "we discussed that already" so let's talk about how to enjoy life until the very end.
Maybe sharing some success stories with your father might help. My mother had triple by-pass surgery in her 70's and lived a full and very active life for eight years after the surgery. She made sure that she went through the full three months of re-hab (which included cardio and strength training) after her surgery. She had more energy after the surgery then she had for years before. She passed away eight years later, ironically, from an illness unrelated to her heart. If your father gets up and gets going by finding something to live for like my mother did, he should do very well.
It is so important to put patients like this on anti-anxiety medication. We throw the stuff at everyone younger, when most of us wold nenefit by doing other things (more exercise, learning better coping skills) but this population may not be able to learn those things, plus their brand of fear is not one they can rationalize away. We're going through the very same thing with my FIL, who (get this!) actually phoned my dh from the hospital at dawn one day to tell him he was already dead, because he had had no vital signs for an hour. My FIL has COPD/emphyzema. He's slowly being smothereed to death. he has had this for several years now, and has been pulling this dying stunt the whole time. But now he has added paranoia that he's going to be put in a facility for dementia, and outlandish racism (everyone is suddenly "Muslim" therefor out to get him) to his repretoire. And people say teenagers are offensive?!!!! My teens are appalled by him, not the other way around. and alas, he doesn't have dementia to blame for it. What is to blame is he has probably always had a personality disorder of dependency. His brother confirms that he was a clingy child t who married a woman who lived to catered to his every whim, and now that she is gone he's angry and bitter and blaming the world. Here is the bottom line.It is a two parter. First, No one, not even the terminally ill, have a right to behave this way. My FIL has a community at his independent living center that do not deserve to be subjected to it, and he has roomates when he is in the hospital. Who are as sick ashe is and do not deseve it, nor do his caregiverr or his family. Second, anyone dealing with seriously ill patients needs to begin to treat depression and anxiety just as they would the rest of their illness. Not ONE of the many doctors caring for my FIL asks his permission to trewt him for all his other maladies. But When we ask them to treat him for depressiona nd anxiety, they demure, and either avoid it or timidly ask him, which he takes as their thinking he doesn't need it. It is a terrible double standsrd. What it. took for my FIL to be put on anti-anxiety meds was my refusing to deal with him in any way until he is. I have a child who may be as sick as he is (she is being tested for lupus and leukemia) and II can't take the additional stress, nor can she. Only once my dh and I began talking about putting him out on an ice flue like Eskimos wisely did in order to keep an elder from destrying the whole family, did his doctors listen. It is outrageous that it has to get to that point. It's just plain bad medicine.
I hdd a quadrupple bipass 4 yearsa ago and due to congestive heart failure after surgery, I went through a depression period where I thought my days were numbered but each day I felt better and now I enjoy each day that I have because 30 or 40 years ago, I wouldn't have had the benefit of the bi-pass and a second chance at life. I'm now 631/2 and going to retire and enjoy life. 79 is not old. My father in-law is 84 and is still working (his choice).