Mom refuses help from home aides, but she and Dad really need assistance!
By Carol O'Dell, Caring.com contributing editor
Mom is Dad's primary caregiver, and she clearly needs help with his care. Both my parents are in their mid-eighties and still living in their own home. Dad's a big man and needs assistance in the shower and with dressing (he has severe arthritis and now dementia).
I suggested to Mom that we siblings pitch in and get some home health aides to come several times a week to help with the more difficult chores. You would have thought I suggested Dad take on a second wife! She got defensive and said they're doing just fine and I should mind my own business -- and that "no stranger is coming into our home and taking over!"
It turned into a big blow-up, and now I'm sorry I mentioned it. I think Mom feels that I should do more, but I have a bad back myself and I'm the only adult child who lives nearby.
How do I approach Mom about getting the help they both need?
So many spouses and families try to face caregiving alone, and they wind up completely overwhelmed. You might not be able to reason with your parents as to why additional assistance is not only necessary but could make their lives so much better. But being a caregiver (or a caregiver of a caregiver) often means being a bridge and smoothing out the rough or uncertain patches.
Start by being careful of the language you use. Perhaps your mom doesn't like certain buzzwords, such as help. Maybe assistance isn't as threatening. Try to notice what riles her and alter your approach accordingly.
Next, approach the idea as a "just try it" measure. Perhaps you and your siblings could present it as a birthday or holiday gift that's nonrefundable. That way she might as well accept, say, three days of assistance. Don't bring up the idea that it could turn into a more permanent situation. If possible, interview some candidates yourself to try to find the best fit for your parents. Make it pleasant and easy for everyone involved, and be there yourself on that first day, to help ease the feeling that your parents are alone with a stranger. Keep it to just a couple of hours so that your mom doesn't feel invaded.
Being there doesn't mean hovering; let them make their own connection. And know that your mom may need to vent a little about opening her home and her life to someone unfamiliar. She doesn't have any way of knowing yet how wonderful a home aide can be. She can't yet see that she could gain a friend and confidant as well as give up the heavy load of so many caregiving duties. She doesn't know that home aides, who have thousands of hours of experience in dealing with behavior issues, confusion, and home care management, might get your dad to do things family members can't -- like bathe, take meds, do physical therapy, and so on.
After the initial trial period is up, though, your mom may see the benefit of some help. For your part, make excuses for just one more day. Use the fact of your back pain or some other ailment or time constraint to convince your parents that they're just going to have to accept a home aide because you -- and they -- can't do it all. As long as you pick up the slack, your parents won't agree to home help. But the fact is, even a village can't do everything that needs to be done!
If you can get your mom to agree to help for "just a little longer," then begin to look hard for the right person. In my experience, some of my mom's aides were angels and others were just so-so. Don't settle for so-so. Call the agency and keep trying until you find a good fit -- and don't be surprised if that fit doesn't match the profile you expected. Most home health aides are used to resistance and have a real calling that goes beyond just doing another job. Connecting with a family is something they take pride in, and it can be amazing to see how they bond with people they care for.
And when you find someone your parents like, treat them well! Home care is hard, even when you love doing it, and most aides aren't paid well, so find additional ways to show how much you appreciate them.
Finally, keep a good eye on your mom. Long-term caregivers can slip into depression, take too many pills to sleep, and not go to their own doctor appointments. So use the time that a home aide is there to dote on your mom a bit. Take her for her annual checkup, and then treat her to lunch or a pedicure, or stop by the library. The point of having additional help is not only to help your dad but also your mom. Encourage her to reach out to other caregivers and friends. Caring.com has some excellent resources on Alzheimer's care, plus caregiving groups so people can glean wisdom and camaraderie from fellow caregivers.
Sometimes we don't know (or can't admit) what we need, and we resist the very people who can help the most. Do all you can to ease your mom into home help. It will allow your parents to stay home together and enjoy the precious time they have.
As a Caregiver - my husband is in Hospice, being cared for at home. What annoys me the most is when family and friends make suggestions about something that needs doing (clean the oven, dust the chandalier) when what I really need is someone to pitch in and do it.. Keep suggestions to yourself unless you are willing to do it for them!! Natalie
Will Medicare pay for an aide to come in if a senior is unable to handle activities of daily living? If so,does anyone know for what length of time?Thanks for your help.
As a Healthcare Aide myself many elderly have a hard time at first with someone new coming into their home. They feel they are being invaded and someone is taking over their lives. I would speak to the parents' Physician if at all possible and have him/her to call your Local Access Ctr. to go out and have a good conversation with them. She/he will explain the ins/outs' of Healthcare. There are both men and women Healthcare Aides so this may help with the problem. As for meds' having to be done twice daily perhaps get in touch with their Drugstore and ask if they can have their meds' put in a Blisterpack. This way it shows' a.m. noon.dinner.bedtime which is quite easy to use. This would help with not having to go over twice daily. The Local Access Ctr.'s (Supervisor) will go in and explain what a Healthcare Aide will do for them, both or one. As a Healthcare Aide myself I remember a number of yrs. ago where I had to go in and look after a elderly bachelor. I eased my way in, he certainly didn't think he needed help. The first few visits was just conversation, talking abt. old times, the weather what have you. He had had a Hernia operation so I knew I wouldn't be there for more than maybe 6wks. Once he got to know me and found that I wasn't there to examine everything he came to acceptance. By the end of his time he didn't want me to leave which he did actually tell my Supervisor. I was allowed to stay another month and slowly ease my way out. He was a wonderful man, very caring and just needed to know that I wasn't there to undermind him. We enjoyed conversations, I would houseclean for him, do dishes, make meals etc. This is what both sets of these parents' need. I am sending a Big Hug and I really do hope that you get the help that is so much needed. Perhaps explain to both parents' that these Healthcare Aides are just that. They want to help, they have been trained to do their job. Their time is limited while they are there so they make the most of it. If either parents' dont' feel comfortable with a Healthcare Aide that they have pls. do not hesitate to call in and say this person is not working out, this is not something that is new to the office. I now care for my FIL in my home, giving up my job to care for him. He has Healthcare still come in 2 times a wk. so that I have my own time to get out and do my running around or whatever. Once either or parent gets used to the Healthcare Aide they may find that this time gives them the opportunity to either get out or even have a nap. Perhaps even visiting with family. I honestly think they will adjust. Just explain that they are there to assist them in whatever help they need, make it sound as though they are there for your mom/dad not the other way around. Allow acquaintance time. They may go through 2,3,4 Healthcare Aides prior to finding the right one. If you find that this is happening just so they dont' come around you can then explain that they cant' keep changing. One out of four they must have had some commarade with. Keep in mind they may be elder but they are also wise. Sending hugs and will be thinking of you. Take care!!
am in a similar situation have been caring for my partners parents since february as his mother had a stroke and his dad has dementia and am at a loss at the moment as to what to do because my partner works full time and i am now 38 weeks pregnant his parents are in there 80's but his mum will not except help from anyone else apart from myself and myu partner so im doing the meals sorting out the papers the medication which i have to sort twice daily among other things shopping etc my partner sorts the money side but its so hard now as i only have about 2 weeks till i have a baby an i dont think that she understands because she rings me with any small problem like if she cant switch the telly on and expects me to go and sort it out i know she feels she can rely on me and ive tried talking to her and explaining that i cant do as much as i was a few weeks ago but she seems dissapionted and i feel so guilty i would not leave them without a meal or medication but i have other resposibilities as well and ive treid to get her to have some help but she says she can do it herself an she dosnt need any help but then is asking me for help its a really awkward situation because i do care about them any advice would be brilliant thank you so much