Since my dad died five years ago, my mother has had hip-replacement surgery and been diagnosed with early-stage bladder cancer. I quit my part-time job to be available for her. Every day, it seems, I spend more hours transporting her places and comforting her until late evening. When I'm not with her, I'm rushing around to care for my two teenage girls. More than ever, I need my husband of 17 years to pick up the slack at home, but he has a high-pressure job and says he can't reduce his time at the office. I think he's happier there than at home. I'm increasingly angry and defensive with him. He wants me to hire a caregiver and go back to work to ease our financial pressure, but Mom isn't comfortable around others. I want to feel that I did everything I could for her if this cancer turns out to be terminal, but I miss my husband terribly. We communicate mostly by e-mail, and sex is a distant memory. And no, we have no money or time for couple's counseling.
It's time to put your marriage first. Your mom is substituting you for her husband, but you can't begin to fill this void. And if you try, it could cost you your own marriage. As much as you love your mom, you need to wean her from your constant attention.
What you're going through is very common. Care giving can put a big strain on marriage because it demands that everyone in the family adjust and make sacrifices. And it's not unusual for this to happen at a critical marital juncture, what we might call in your case the "17-year itch."
So first, turn your attention to your husband. Have a heart-to-heart talk with him about these things. Put it all out on the table -- the neglect and avoidance and exhaustion -- but also tell him how much you miss him. Then do your best to move past it.
To do that, you need a plan. It's been easy to avoid one another -- he stays at work while you're with your mom -- but you can't let that continue. Try starting some new traditions. Plan a date night once a week, even if it's just eating takeout sushi and watching a video in your bedroom with the door locked. Meet for lunch every other week. Plan to get out of the house together at least once a month. Buy him his favorite cookies. Continue to e-mail (e-mails can be fun and flirty!). Take some morning showers together. These things may feel a little contrived at first because you're out of practice, but they can become spontaneous. However you two show affection -- whether it's hugs or kisses, winks or water-gun fights -- bring them back into your relationship.
If financial worries are putting pressure on him, let him know that they're your concern too, and talk about a reasonable way to deal with them without neglecting your mother. Or you might tell him that you're working on a plan to reduce the hours you spend with her, and by the end of a certain period -- say, six months -- you'll be available to help the family financially. Ask for his input. Deal with this as partners.
Then, have a serious conversation with Mom. Let her know that you love her and will continue to care for her, but that you need to put your marriage first. No explanations are needed. You don't need to involve her in your marriage issues. Just let her know that this is the way it's got to be.
Make a six-month plan to get her through this initial phase of cancer. If you normally leave her house at 8 p.m., begin leaving at 7:30. You don't necessarily have to announce it to her -- just move a little faster or even make up an excuse, if necessary -- but begin the process. In another week or so, leave by 7 p.m. Within four or five weeks, you may be leaving by 5:30. Explain to her that you need to do this to have dinner with your family, and tell her that's a priority for you. Let your husband know about this plan so that he can help keep you on track and even assist you once he realizes that you're both on the same team.
This may take an initial time investment -- and willpower -- from you. If she needs other people to provide care when you're not there, consider home health aides, friends, and community and church members. She may hesitate and insist on having you, but this isn't healthy for either of you. You might try talking to her about why -- about the void that her husband's death left in her life and how it's time to fill it in by branching out and meeting new people. Let her know that you still need to care for your daughters. And for your part, don't think that teenagers (or even college-age "kidults") don't need their parents. They do. You don't want to miss your time with them. (Remember the bumper sticker: "Be nice to your kids, they'll be the ones picking out your nursing home!") If your mother goes further and tries to sabotage your plan, even unintentionally, be prepared. Stay the course.
It would also be wise not to talk about Mom too much to your husband, especially while you're trying to recover the core of your relationship. Try ranting to a trusted girlfriend, writing in a journal, or screaming while you're alone in the car, but cultivate good habits in your marriage. Focus on the two of you, not the three of you.
Finally, and not least importantly, invest in yourself. Those of us in the "sandwich generation" can get so caught up in other people's needs that our lives become one big to-do list. How do you fill up your own well? For example, do you get exercise every day? Start small. Walking the dog for 10 minutes and humming a song you love can set the tone for the rest of the day or help you unwind at night. Care giving is rewarding and necessary, but it shouldn't consume us to the point of damaging our health and closest relationships. Very likely, you'll outlive your mom. Love her well, but don't sacrifice yourself or your bonds with your husband or children along the way.
My husband and I lived alone together for the past 15-20 years with the exception of my children. However, now mom is living here part time. It has already affected our marriage and it's been 3 weeks. My husband does not like other family members coming to the house to visit mom instead suggesting that if they want to watch TV with mom that they should take her to their house. We live in a tiny little house which makes the privacy issue HUGE. Literally the area between mom's room and ours is about 20 feet and our living room is in the middle. Our living room also serves as our den which means that the little space that we have is now not our own. My husband is right in saying that he has a right to 50% in this house but how can I balance this? Mom also has managed to take away almost all of my "couples" time by staying up so late that the time that I spend in the bedroom with my spouse is "sleeping time". This needs to change. Every night at 11 pm mom wants to be "tucked in" and this always takes about 1/2 hour. After that, of course, my husband is ready to go to sleep and much of our evening has been spent without each other. We had a big disagreement last night about the fact that my sister wants to come here and watch TV with mom for 2 hours or more once a week and my husband feels this is an invasion of privacy. He wants mom to go to my sister's house to do this. Mom can still move around but really enjoys having visitors. My husband "hates" visitors. I have so far managed to eliminate the need for visitors in my life, while choosing to see most of my family outside of the home. THis has worked for the 2 of us but now there are 3 and I feel that I need to put my spouses needs at the top of my priority list or face the loss of a marriage. Again, I do make mention that we live in a tiny little house, mom is financially unable to go into a nursing home, and I am torn. I need to have some of my needs met as well. Mom tries to stay out of husbands way and vice versa. I balance going from my room to moms room but more people in this house is just too much. We both enjoy peace and serenity which has certainly changed with the addition of a tv going full blast and more phone calls, visitors, etc. I would like any suggestions. I don't want to lose my marriage over the part time invasion of my mother.
all of the advise give has been really good. what the family advisor said is right on point! when my mother got sick, a series of mini strokes rendered her basically helpless. i went into care-taker mood and stayed there until she died about 14 months later. the first 6-8 months i was driving to my parents home (one hour away) every week and staying 2 days. as she became sicker i stayed longer and longer, and when i came home i only stayed one day maybe two and then back to mom. i never gave it a second thought, i just did it. my husband "said" it was fine, he understood, it was ok to go etc.. we had no children, he could care for himself. HA! that's what all narcissus say and we all have a little bit of narcissus in us. the longer i continued to care for mom, the more resentful he became, jealous, envious, bitter, lonely. it took a heavy toll on the marriage. when my father became ill a few years later, once again it was all up to me. it was too much for hubby to deal with. even though i was very carefull with how much time i spent with dad, i devoted as much time as possible with my husband. we were still working on healing the marriage. too late, the damage had already been done. we have now been divorced for 2 yrs. i hope you took the advise of the family advisor and put a limit on your time with mom. your priority is your husband and children! blessings to your family :-)
Your family (not your mother) comes first. Your husband needs you, whether or not he expresses this, and your teens are at high risk of getting into trouble if you neglect them. Destroying your family's life is probably the last thing your mother would want, if she were able to think about it. Get some scheduled help with your mother immediately.
Well being a cancer survivor I do understand the amount of time required from others. I understand how it is to think you might be dying more than ever. I lost my father to cancer and two great friends also. I can understand exactly what your saying and truthfully can you blame your husband for wanting to stay at work. I would imagine there are days when you would love to be anywhere besides at home or the doctors. But thank god for people that are strong enough and have time enough to spend what is most likely the last few months of a loved ones life. Its so very scary to think you may die for most people, I can't imagine it alone. I come from a family of eight and got 75% of my help from one sister and it was more than she could handle even though she did swell. My son didn't call write or visit, oh and he lives less than 20miles away, gee I must have failed as father of the year or maybe just because I divorced his mother. You truly find out who your friends are at these times and who really cares. Suprisingly and it is a big suprise who really cares if you die or not. I remember driving myself 60 miles a day for 6wks to radiation, and beleive me I won't ever forget it. Simply put its more than anyone person can handle. You should do as your husband says and have someone come in with your mom a couple sessions a week, if just to get groceries or shop. Its important for you to have time alone to gather your self also, as for what your doing can be almost as hard as the disease itself and I have heard of many people saying that. Your husband and you should have a dinner out weekly and maybe grab a motel or a stroll on a beach with a picnic basket and a blanket if money is hard now. You may be surprised what one night out could do. Of course anything you do for a few hours isn't really going to change the health problems your mom is having but may make the stress level going on in your family at the time a whole lot less. Hopefully you have great communications with your husband and for the matter your mom also, its so important to be able to talk and voice how you feel to your husband he is your support system. Knowing what each other feels can make all the difference in the world. No matter what its a real rough road for everybody so talk out your feelings, you all can do this without losing anything, chances are you will all gain alot of self-respect for doing the right thing. Hope some or part of this helps you.
Your family really does need to be a (the) top priority. I struggled with that when both my folks were seriously ill. In the end, we all but lost the business we ran and my kids had quite a bit of catching up to do with school ( I homeschooled them through all this mess.) I finally placed Mom in a facility where she at least could count on clean sheets. My father learned that he couldn't do very much (post-surgically) and had wanted me there 24/7. Now, several years later, we are still recovering from the illnesses and deaths of my parents. If I had to do it all over again, I would set better boundaries.
I really think you should take your husbands advice and get a part-time caregiver for your mom and go back to work. You, in my opinion, should NEVER leave your Moms side if you can help it . You should make sure she is taken care of no matter what. After all, that IS where you came from. BUT> surely, your Mom will understand your life MUST go on, and so you need to try and work things out. If you explain to your Mom she will get used to whoever it is taking care of her---and she can help you make the choice of WHO it is---I am sure everything will work out. And...don't forget to pray about it--God can do anything, were as we are very limited sometimes. And don't forget somewhere inbetween all this family, to make time for YOU> THINK POSITIVE> K
Make this the reason that you plan for the eventuality of needing care. Don't do to your children what your mother has put your through. Plan early. Save. Invest. Insure.
This is so tough when you feel two sides tugging at you who are in the middle. Sometimes there are definite drawbacks to being able to see both sides of a situation - makes it even harder for you to "pick a side" when you know both of them are hurting. I would agree with most of the advice, except I don't believe anything is to be gained by telling Mom that you "need to put your marriage FIRST." There's no need to make her feel that she is somehow a second-class citizen in your affections. Simply tell her that you've been spending so much time with her that -- as much as you love those times together -- other family members aren't getting their needed share of your attention, and that you have responsibilities to them also. And as much as we hate to think about it, our time with anyone is not guaranteed on this earth. It's logical to think that your Mom deserves most of your attention since her health is not good. But loved ones are taken from our lives for many reasons -- sometimes abruptly. You'd be just as devastated to find that you had denied some last moments with your husband or children because you just assumed they would be here long after your mother is gone. That realization makes it easier for me to balance my attentions when I'm tempted to give all my free time to only one person.
Very good advice! I hope Mother Jackie follows it right now and can make some progress in getting her marriage "back on track". Her story is similar in some ways to my situation, except that we had to take in my husband's 87 year old mother in, after she fell and had her shoulder replaced. I wish I would have heeded the above great advice 2 years ago when we moved her in to our home. We have been married now for almost 18 years and unfortunately, have grown apart. This started happening 2 years ago, shortly after becoming her caregivers. I still have strong feelings of anger, frustration, resentment and wish for the way things were a few years ago. We don't have the finances for counseling or for increasing the caregiver's current 4 hours a week. I know I need to have another big "talk" with my husband, but am dreading it very much, as the first one about his mom, ended in an emotional and heated argument...our 1st one in 17 years. I do try to do things for my sanity when I can, but I still feel like an unhappy prisoner in my own home. I know we have a responsibility to take care of our ailing parents, but where is the semi-happy medium?? (I work 40-50 hours myself and also have my own parents that are close to 80 yrs. old. My husband lost his dad and older brother, before his mom had her bad fall, so he does not have any family support, other than from me.) I do belong to a caregiver's support group that meets twice a month, which has helped me to vent among others that are going through similar feelings and caregiving situations.
Thank you for the advice. My mother requires a lot of attention and I need the support to keep my husband first when I can.