Our mom has said she wants to be cremated "so you don't have to waste your money on hair and makeup," and my sister says we should abide by her wishes. But I think Mom is just being her frugal martyr self to the end, and she deserves to be properly laid out. I also think an open casket is helpful in the grieving process. Who's right?
Why not ask your mother? If she's able to have a real conversation about this, she's the one who should really make that decision. And if she does, it will allow you and your sister to avoid arguing about it and focus instead on her at this time. If your mom is still lucid, I strongly suggest a heart-to-heart conversation with her. You might try telling her what you'd like your own memorial to be like. By taking the focus and pressure off her, she might open up. Be sure to be specific -- what kind of flowers, what kind of music -- anything that will allow her to forget herself for a few moments. If she recoils, then she may be too sick or too depressed to care. She is, by default, allowing you and your sister to decide. If your mom isn't able to share her desires with you, then it becomes about what you and your sister need. In that case, I suggest you ask your sister for a compromise. Decide what you need to bring closure to your mom's death, and ask for those things. Share how important they are to you. Funerals and memorials are usually more about the living family members, and there are two of you. So be willing to let go of the items that are less important to you so that your sister feels she is an equal partner in the process. It will help if you and your sister can give each other a break during this stressful time. About three weeks before one of my daughters was getting married, I let our three girls know that if anyone had a meltdown between then and the wedding -- if they ran through the house chasing a family member while naked, or cried uncontrollably and locked themselves in the bathroom -- all would be forgiven and forgotten. Emotional ceremonies can stir all kinds of chaos and panic. They can bring out the best in us and, often, the worst. You're in unknown territory, and your journey will be easier if you can let each other off the hook when either of you has some ugly moments. I've seen end-of-life issues almost destroy families. It seems that you and your sister both love your mom. Listen to each other, give a little, and promise to love each other after this sad and difficult time reaches its conclusion. With Mom gone, you'll need your sister more than ever.
My dad died 10/17/08. He had a prepaid plan to be cremated. They never told him that all his surviving kids would have to sign a paper to agree to his wishes. This is state law so we were told in Texas. What a crumby surprise as my dad lays dead in my daughters bedroom!!!!!!! Also a person while living can have an attorney draw the paper that after a person is dead a specific named person can have power over the body remains. No one told us this ither, and this is different than a durable power of attorney.
My mom asked to be cremated as well, and my sister and I would not have done anything except for what she wanted. There was a funeral and she was cremated after the service.
It's your mom who is dying, not you. You should be abiding by her dying wishes out of respect for her!!! Spend the time you are arguing about in a more productive way, like quality time with your mom and doing something to make her day a little brighter. She would, I'm sure, do that for you.
A compromise is very easy: have calling hours and then a cremation with a ceremony after that. Calling hours allow the friends to help family members begin the healing process. Limited calling hours, for example: one day from 4 to 8 pm is sufficient.
I agree with last two ladies - give us what we want or asked for, period.
Get a grip on yourself! If your mom didn't want to be covered up with dirt when she was capable of thinking....why would she change her mind now? My codicial to my will states not only that I shall be cremated, but allows $2,000 for a big party and not a funeral! That sounds like a far, far better time than standing around smelling flowers and hearing sad music! Give your mom a break here.
My mother and I talked many times about what she would like and I followed what she wanted no matter what anyone else thought. I think the final loving act you can do is do what your Mom wants done. I really felt that she would have been very happy and at peace with all of her requests done as she wanted.-The apple don't fall far from the tree.
My father and his brother went through this recently with my grandpa. The sibling who has the parent living with them feels like they have the most say - even if it contradicts what the parent might have said in the past.