My husband's injury has left me lonely in a sexless, loveless marriage.
By Carol O'Dell, Caring.com contributing editor
My husband became disabled eight years ago with transverse myelitis and was partially paralyzed from the waist down. He has issues with his bladder and bowel, sex, mobility (legs and spine), and pain. I cared for him 24/7 for the first three years. For the past five years, he's had no interest in me at all. I have to think for both of us because most of the time he just isn't mentally with it, probably due to the medication. There’s no intimacy.
I feel so lonely. I don't want to have an affair. But I’ve tried everything, and I don't want to spend the rest of my life like this. The guilt is what kills me. We've been married for 25 years and have four great children, now grown. Any suggestions on how I can move on with my life without hurting him?
What I'm going to say may sound bizarre, but have an affair -- with life! No one should go through life without love and affection. You're absolutely normal and healthy to be hurting and to have the feelings and thoughts you're experiencing. I know you miss sex, but sex is the tip of the iceberg (pun intended). You're longing for friendship, connection, physical activity, intimacy, meaningful work, challenges, and adventures.
It's perhaps not that your husband doesn't love you or doesn't want to connect with you sexually. He can't. Whether the reason for his withdrawal is physical, emotional, and/or neurological, I don't see any honor in continuing to give him 100-percent devoted care without receiving anything in return for the rest of his days.
Is he in a care facility? Can you afford one? He'll receive round-the-clock care, and you can check on him often but not have to deal with the daily logistics that come with home care. If this isn't an option, then do all you can to free as much time as you can for your own needs.
You mentioned an affair -- I wouldn't recommend chasing one down! There are too many "players" out there who would take advantage of your vulnerable state. Besides, that's not really what you're after. You're after a rich and interesting life full of new people and experiences. One guy isn't going to give you that.
I'm going to throw out some ideas to expand your horizons, and I hope you'll grab a couple. It's important to include some physical activities in the mix; this will help keep you healthy and alleviate depression. Get a part-time job or volunteer. Sign up for some senior classes at your local college, community center, or place of worship. Join the Y or a walking club. Try yoga or take ballroom dance lessons. Reconnect with old friends from work or college (go to a reunion or alumni event). Plan a group trip so that you have time to get to know people better. Schedule weekly activities with others -- lunch, movies, walks -- chat on the phone, or try online forums that expose you to variety of people. Live the old saying, "To gain a friend, be a friend."
Along with the fun stuff, giving back to others or finding some work outside the home will enrich your life. We can only fool ourselves for so long, and a life full of only entertainment isn't meaningful.
You may feel an unexpected wave of guilt about your new-found freedom at first. Be gentle with yourself. You'll make mistakes and either have to pull back or dive in more. In time you'll find your balance.
How will your children and friends take all this? They may be more understanding than you think. Some grown children perceive our lives more realistically than we realize or even want them to. Others are so involved with their own lives they don't really see us as whole people. And still others are highly opinionated as to what we should or shouldn't do. We can't do much to change their minds. Do what's best for you -- and be a good example to your children. Would you want them to live in a loveless marriage for decades on end?
If your children and others are open-minded and interested, let them know some of what's going on. Frankly but kindly, explain that you've given your husband years of love and dedication, that you’ll continue to make sure he's cared for (and that he needs their care as well). But add that it's time for you to focus on your health and your life. State this as a fact. It isn't open for debate.
Your husband might react negatively or positively to these changes. He might be jealous, petty, or demanding, or he might realize he's taken you for granted. Will this change how you feel? Don't let his reactions keep you from doing what you know is good for you. If it feels like you just can't break free, talk to your doctor, a spiritual advisor, or therapist. You may need medication to battle depression or expert guidance to move out of the unhealthy emotional cycle your marriage and your husband's health issues have created.
You'll need to make firm commitments to yourself and hold yourself to them to keep moving forward. Will you meet someone special along the way? You might, but focus on building a healthy, active life first.
To Disabledxhusband; You are angry & righteously...You have every reason to be so ...But ...this anger & frustration is destructive , it wouldn't help you in any fashion...The world is full of egoist people...You try to find peace.....
Well, Missy. It seems like "Anonymus 7 days ago" wants to chew on other contributors and tell them to "MYOB" instead of giving some helpful and caring advice. Isn't that against the "code of conduct" for this site? Are you going to take this serious also?
I've read the "affairs" and "no affairs" side of this topic. From a Christian/moral point of view, an affair wouldn't really solve anything. It could even make you feel worse off. Sex may be good, but it isn't everything. That said, if a man is paralyzed from the waist down (or his manhood won't get up for whatever reason), there are other ways he can satisfy his wife sexually. You both need to explore. Now back to your husband...he probably is feeling more angry with himself than with you or anyone else: angry that he is not able to do the normal things he had always been able to do with you. Solution? Talk frankly with each other. Tell him how you feel and encourage him to say how he feels. If you're both not able to talk verbally, let each person write down his/her feelings and pass it on to the other. Explain that you understand that things have changed for him physically, but that he shouldn't stop being the sweet husband he was. Make him feel like a man. You'd be surprised how he'd reciprocate. Show him how to satisfy you in bed without the need for his manhood. Go back and start acting to him like the first time you dated each other years ago. If he's too depressed, get counseling help for him.
Those of you who criticize advice from Ms. O'Dell, I say if you do not have a solution, please do not waste our time. Speaking from experience...husband is young (under 50) and paraplegic for 4 years...anyone who is treated for these types of illnesses or injuries has been evaluated for depression. Of course they are depressed. Some choose to take the additional medication (which does not always work. And some choose to go therapy (which does not always work). Ms. O'Dell responded to the author of the note...of course she is going to try to help the author as she is the one seeking help. I suspect that her husband does not want help. My husband does not want help. My husband does not want anything from anyone. I suspect the author's husband feels the same way. An affair? Ms O'Dell made herself very clear....no need to reread...the author is reaching out for love, affection and caring. She does not want to make quilts. The author needs to have a healthy relationship with someone who can give her what her husband does not WANT to give. It is not always about sex. We all know an affair is not a good thing. The author's husband quite possibly may be relieved that his wife has found someone who can satisfy her longing to be nurtured. Did I say it is not just about sex? Someone with an illness may be so angry at everyone who is healthier than himself and therfore is not nice to anyone. I suggest that those of you who just like to hear yourselves talk and cannot provide anything other than "join a group or take up knitting" to MYOB. The people in a knitting circle or tennis group don't want to hear (and don't want to solve) about your problems. And most people don't want to burden everyone with their problems. Knitting, quilt making, bridge groups, health clubs and of course going to church, etc. do not help someone going through this. There is no one solution to this problem, but having a caring, nurturing person in your life can certainly help. No, I have not had an extramarital affair, nor do I want one but I do believe that the author has the right to be happy...with or without her husband who is not willing to try and fulfill his commitment. It takes two.
I sat down last night to put my thoughts on this blog post and after writing for about an hour (I'm slow because I DO put a lot of thought, re-reading and editing before I hit the "Leave a Comment" button) and when I went back to re-read a previous post, I hit the wrong button and lost everything I had written up to that point. My first thought was that the Lord must not have wanted me to say that. It wasn't cruel or mean, it was just my honest and to-the-point thoughts learned through the school of "hard knocks". I was hoping to prevent someone else from going through the same pain and suffering that I went through. Well, I guess the Lord must have wanted it to be heard because mrsladyjade just a few moments ago said almost word for word what I had written last night. Thank you, Jesus. My intensions for starting this series of blogs was not to take jabs at the staff, readers and especially not the multitude of suffering contributors of whom my heart goes out to. When I hear someone saying something that gives me the impression that they are considering doing something that is such a wrong and life changing decision and they are encourared by a counseler to move in that direction, I get a little beside myself. I want to reach out to this hurting, desperate person and say NO,NO please don't do that. You will regret it for the rest of your life and in the life to come. Stand by your husband as you would want him to stand by you if the roles were reversed. I Corinthians 7:10,11 KJV. The Lord Jesus Christ will take over your burden and see you through to the end if you will only trust Him. I beg of you. Please accept Him as your personal Lord and Saviour. Well, my mind is clear. Thank you, Caring .com for the services you provide and if I offended you, Carol, your staff, readers or contributors (especially the lady about whom we've been writing) please forgive me. I am not perfect and I don't claim to be. I'm just an old sinner saved by Grace. God Bless You All.
Hugs mrsladyjade
FYI -- No one at caring.com asked me to do the following. I simply read the comments from the "moderator," and hung my head in shame...not for my feelings and beliefs regarding my comments, but because I felt like I was part of a school playground brawl, urging the fight on. That was never my heart's intention, but people make mistakes, and, believe me, I have made quite a few in my time. Although I firmly stand by the content of my first two comments, I want to apologize to anyone who was offended by the tone of my second comment. The privilege to comment on postings anywhere within this website does not, in any way, give a person the right to erect a "bully pulpit" and brow-beat the various members of caring.com for their advice/opinions. That includes me. Seriously, though, I was so offended by the "advice" Ms. O'Dell offered this woman, and I was not the only commenter who felt the same way. Even so, that is no excuse for hurting any other members and/or commenters who may have a different opinion than I do. This is still America, the last time I checked, and everyone has the right to freedom of speech. Next time, after my comments, I will also forward a copy of my concerns to the "moderators" at caring.com. Now, everyone back to CARING, 'cause that's why we are all here in the first place.
Hello folks, As you may have noticed, several comments on this blog post have been removed because they violated our Code of Conduct (http://www.caring.com/about/community_guidelines.html). It in we state, "Personal attacks are never allowed. Differences of opinion are welcome, as long as they're presented respectfully." We take that very seriously, whether you're personally attacking other members or our contributors. Our site is meant to be a safe, peaceful and supportive place for all. Thank you, as always, for your cooperation. And if you have questions or concerns I would be happy to answer them in email. You can reach me at moderators@caring.com Missy, Community Manager
Hugs mrsladyjade, dgupton4
Note: The following comments are directly concerning the contents of the above article, written by Ms. Carol O'Dell, and are in NO WAY directed at the woman who originally wrote in to caring.com, seeking serious advice from a true professional. My comments are exactly that: MY comments and MY thoughts and MY own personal interpretation of the advice given in this column. Additionally, I firmly stand by my first comment, which explains why I have had such a strong reaction to this column. @gigi92201: You make a fantastic point, and I couldn't agree with you more about getting the man a screening for clinical depression. However, if I may "toot my own horn," so to speak, my reading comprehension level would probably be considered extremely well above average, as I have been an avid reader since I was three years old -- and I'm not talking about reading books like "See Jane run." In fact, just to be sure I WAS understanding Ms. Carol O'Dell correctly, I took the extra time to reread and reread the entire article -- again -- several times. I GOT IT, LOUD AND CLEAR. The entire focus of the advice provided was on the wife alone. In fact, any concern for the unfortunate suffering of the sick husband, himself, was markedly missing from this piece. The first, real solution Ms. O'Dell offers is through the following question: "Is he in a care facility?" Translated: Forget the first 17 of the 25 years that you two were happily married, when he was PHYSICALLY able to be a wonderful husband to you. Since he appears to be of no PHYSICAL use to you anymore, just send him off to a "facility," where he can be taken care of by complete strangers. As Ms. O'Dell says: "I don't see any honor in continuing to give him 100-percent devoted care without receiving anything in return for the rest of his days." I guess honoring your wedding vows these days is kind of a drag...not like when "I do" actually meant something. "In sickness and in health...as long as you both will live." Nah...don't see anything "honorable" about that, keeping your promises -- yeah, the vows you made, in front of God and man -- no one does that anymore...do they? Furthermore, why would Ms. O'Dell even think to mention the chance of catching an STD, unless she thought the wife might be considering this type of reckless behavior? Further, Ms. O'Dell seems to only discourage this pursuit because, as she so eloquently states: "There are too many "players" out there who would take advantage of your vulnerable state." Not to mention that this behavior also constitutes adultery! Finally, the last paragraph reads like this: "You'll need to make firm commitments to yourself and hold yourself to them to keep moving forward. Will you meet someone special along the way? You might, but focus on building a healthy, active life first." Ms. O'Dell, in my opinion, clearly indicates, in these two next-to-last sentences, that it could be POSSIBLE that you MIGHT meet someone ELSE along the way, just be sure to "...focus on building a healthy, active life FIRST." (emphasis added is MY OWN) Uhh...has anyone remembered the unfortunate sick husband? Didn't think so...and THAT'S the problem. If Ms. O'Dell should choose to clarify any of the words of her statements which I have specifically referenced above in a "sequel," I would sincerely be interested in reading the advice she REALLY meant to give.
Hugs dgupton4
I would add one thing to the thoughful, compassionate answers (never mind those who can't seem to read or read too much into things) If your husband has not been evaluated for depression he should be immediately. He may feel worse than you about his situation. Get moving-get him evaluated and get started having a good time. More will be revealed. GG
To Toelw; I couldn't agree more with you,
Amen, mrsladyjade. I sat down to write more on this post but you said it all. God bless you and your "special" mate. If there were more like you two we wouldn't be looking at the out-of-control divorce rate that we read about today. I'm sure that God looks down with sadness in His heart as people so recklessly repeat their marriage vows with no intent of keeping them.
I, too, am shocked to read the advice given by the "professional" in this column. When my husband and I were married, we looked each other DIRECTLY in the EYES, spoke our vows DIRECTLY from our HEARTS -- in front of GOD and the LIVE WITNESSES -- and VOWED TO GOD and EACH OTHER that we would love each other and be there in every situation that would come, which turned out to be "through hell and high water." In fact, we were married in the chapel of The Christ Hospital (where we had originally met, which is another wonderful story, in and of itself) by the Head Chaplain, on the eve of my brain surgery. Yes, my husband agreed to love me all the way "until death do us part," not knowing how my surgery would turn out the next morning. The neurosurgeons were very grave with me, my husband (fiancee at the time), and my family two nights before the scheduled surgery about the potential outcomes. The brain tumor was located extremely close to the carotid artery, pressing up against the optic nerve of my right eye. If the surgery went as planned, great! I would quickly be able to get back to my life -- which had basically been on-hold during the previous year-and-a-half, due to excruciating headaches and plaguing vision issues. Other outcomes? I could go blind. I could become paralyzed. I could die. As the neurosurgeons blatantly explained, "When you are talking about brain surgery, anything could happen." So, that's what my fiancee and I were faced with. We are both born-again Chrisitans, so God's Will was the first thing on our minds. We were looking at the vows in a whole new way now, agreeing that we wanted to face this as husband and wife. So, we married the night before the surgery. One nurse brought me an outfit to wear, with shoes and everything. Another nurse, who used to be a professional hairdresser, fixed my hair in a gorgeous updo. I did my own make-up. The nurses also went so far as to order a large sheet cake for us, providing punch to accompany the cake, and decorated the floor's entire visiting area with wedding bells, streamers and balloons. Even family and nurses (and the hospital gift shop) gave us wedding gifts. Our "wedding pictures" were taken by a vga-quality cell phone camera -- all eleven of them! lol Everything was so beautiful and so perfect! It wasn't the way we had planned it to be, but it was perfect for us. Even one of our local tv stations took some video of our ceremony, running a small segment on our unusual-but-wonderful wedding on the news that evening. Well, I made it through the brain surgery...However, it was discovered, later on, that my brain tumor was the recurrent type. In 2008, I had to have radiation on the brain tumor, which was supposed to be 90% effective. Not only did it not stop the growth of the tumor, the tumor was now growing aggressively, back at 1/3 of its original size (golf ball). I had to have a second brain surgery in 2009, which appears to be somewhat more successful. In between these three major surgeries, I have had other hospitalizations and have had to take anywhere from fifteen to twenty different prescriptions. I was a well-functioning, physically healthy young woman when I met my husband. At the time, neither one of us ever suspected our God-ordained love and relationship would be challenged by such extinuating circumstances...at least, not that soon. We have never refrained from accepting each other's life challenges, whether physical, mental, emotional, or (especially) spiritual. We trust each other with our souls. How many people can you say that to, besides God being the first, most obvious choice? If you haven't married someone like that, I am afraid for you. Marriage is a very serious choice, one not to be made on a whim or with someone you hope you can change into the "right" person. If you can't make an honest commitment to that other person that you will be there for the "long-haul," "until death do us part," then don't make that vow in front of God and witnesses containing family and friends. Remember, the vow does include "in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live." Don't make a vow that you might not be able to keep, because "until death do us part" means exactly that. I could never love anyone but my husband. He is a "once-in-a-lifetime" find, my "knight-in-shining-armor." I married later in life, but he was sooo worth the wait! I am so thankful that, in waiting, I could whole-heartedly make my commitment to both my husband and to God.
i truly can relate to you,my husband has been ill for 11 yrs.having an affair is not the answer,first of all you need to take one day at a time,i know it's not easy,me and my husband have not ben intimate for the last 4/5 yrs.there are other ways we are intimate at times i must say. i truly understand and know what you are talking about.i tell you i get through each day by praying and talking to god,are just humble myself,patience helps,i'm going through a lot with my b.p. finally after about 3 yrs.it's stabled.i have troubled with anxity and depression,i have a better doctor now thank god.faith gets me through each day.if you truly ever need a friend,or someone to just talk to,you can count on me ok? love b.thornton
Hmmmmm well i am married and as much as i wouldn't want my husband to sleep with anyone else i am also realistic you see if i was in that state where i could'nt for whatever reason have sex i would'nt want him to go through the rest of his life without it how ever i wouldnt want to know as long as he was there to kiss me good night and there when i woke to really love someone you cant be selfish and im sure she could balance out what makes her whole and keep her family together
I'm a caregiver for my mother, and this article has encouraged me to make more time for myself without feeling guilty. My mother reacts negatively when I want to spend time with friends or other outside activities.
As the daughter of a women who endured 11 years of caring for my step-father, after a series of strokes and infections left him paralyzed and mute, I too have comments that I would like to share, regarding how she found peace with her lonely & sexless marriage, but I'm simply not comfortable leaving my comments open to hostile personal attacks. Beyond RobinDinSC' s obvious misinterpretation of Carol's post, is the issue of the personal attacks he wielded at her, and I think it needs to be said that.the privilege of being allowed to a "Leave a Comment" should not be separated from the responsibility of making sure that the comments that are left remain directed at the content, and not the author of the content.
To RobinDinSC, dgupton4, I suggest you actually read Carol's post again. She's not suggesting anyone break their wedding vows. She's suggesting they 'have an affair WITH LIFE...' Carol has been a caregiver - read her book "Mothering Mother" - so she's in a very good position to give advice to such people. She understands the incredible demands that caregiving puts on us. RobinDinSC said - "To advise someone to forego their marriage vow's, to encourage them to be a totally selfish person, to engage in an affair meanwhile living a lie to everyone she knows? To encourage total self-destruction. Amazing. I could go on and on how dangerous your word's are. Please, tell me how your word's of advise to this user are helpful?" All I can say is that you need to read more carefully. Carol is advising folks to approach this in a way that takes care of themselves, the caregiver, too! After all, if the caregiver isn't healthy, they're not around to do anything for the one they love.
I would not recommend having an affair. After all, you did make a commitment the day you said "I Do". I know it is tough and I have not had to experience anything like that so I really don't know how you feel. I just know what's right.... and I am not perfect either. I would look at joining support groups and keep the memories alive of what you all shared in the past. I wish you nothing but the best!
Carol speaks frankly, realistically with a bit of humour tossed in. And she's right on, about probably the most difficult issues to deal with as a caregiver. Taking care of oneself. I've heard this over and over, my counselor has even given up on discussing it other than to keep saying "and what are you doing for you". I'm going to print this out and read it over and over, then give it to my counselor and take responsibility for developing my life. I have cared for my room mate for nearly 14 years and love him dearly but I struggle daily with depression and I feel guilty because he knows I am not happy. Thank you
I know how you feel . My wife has Alzeimers and its been 6years since any intimacy.When I try to get close I just get pushed away.It gets very depressing. I m at a loss as what to do.
Been married 33 years, my situation is similar. 8 years of no intimacy, except I've been giving my wife 24/7 care the last 3 years. Carol is right about enjoying life. The years I worked before becoming a 24/7 caregiver were livable because I was doing something outside. I didn't need the sex so much as I needed the interaction with people. Guilt will always be a problem until you accept your love partner is gone and your partner in need is here. If you can, let your children watch their Dad while you get out, or pay someone to watch him while you get out. Get out and enjoy life. Leave your guilt and despair at the door when you do go out. Your husband wuld want you to be as happy as much as possible. Be honest but happy when you go out. People want to be around happy people. You'll be a better caregiver when you walk back thru the door at home.
I am sorry this is happening to you!! I would encourage you to seek out a caregiver support group. If you can share your feeling and frustrations with other people in a similar situation that could be really helpful. I would also encourage you to do something just for yourself... take a painting class, join a book club, take a quilting class or whatever would make you happy!!! I would also encourage you to think about your children do things for them. take care, J