I've already lost my mom -- I don't want to lose my brother and sister, too.
By Carol O'Dell, Caring.com contributing editor
Mom died of colon cancer six months ago. I'm a nurse and took leave to care for her in the last year of her life. During that time my brother and sister came over often. It was a difficult but special time in all of our lives. Since then, I've returned to work, though I'm barely hanging on. I've gone on antidepressants, but it feels like nothing is helping.
What's making this so difficult is that our family has gone its separate ways. I haven't talked to my brother since the funeral, and I've only had dinner with my sister once because I insisted and wouldn't take her excuses. I don't know if they're upset with me or just don't care. We had a few arguments in the last weeks of Mom's life -- she was in hospice and had signed a living will and only wanted palliative care for the pain, but nothing else. Both my siblings wanted her to fight, but I honored my mother's wishes since I had power of attorney, and I knew Mom wanted to go. I don't know if that's what's between us. How do I broach the subject?
It's time to forge a new relationship with your siblings. Reach out to them with an eye on the future, not the past.
It's possible that right now you represent the time in life when your mom died, because you were so involved in her passage. They may look at you and still see a "death halo." And they likely have their own regrets, resentments, and fears to work through. One of the most ironic gifts that come to caregivers who go the distance, so to speak, is that often they're cleansed through the dying process. They finished something monumental and faced their own thoughts and misconceptions about death and dying. It's not easy, but you can begin to see the good this experience with your mom gave to you.
Or there could be other things causing your siblings' reaction. But whatever their issues are, that's their deal, not yours. I wouldn't prod or poke at it. Give them permission to talk freely to you, if they want or need to, but other than that, let it go. Try not to assume what they're angry or hurt about. You could be way off, thus creating yet another problem. Possibly they need to talk to a counselor, clergy, or someone else outside the family circle right now rather than to you.
But you can start to rebuild your relationship on another level. Call every Sunday afternoon, or whatever day they might pick up your call. Be consistent, so they start to expect it. If you have to leave a message, be upbeat. Ask about their lives. Make an effort to know what's going on with them and their families -- ask about an upcoming graduation of a child or about a possible raise at work, or share a common problem such as a weight-loss goal. Ask for help on the computer or something else they're good at. People come together at points of need, so gently create a need that they can easily give you advice about. Send funny cards. Send a gift card for a coffee or a movie. Be generous.
And give all this a good six months before expecting anything back. Do it because you want to. Make an ongoing list of what you like about your brother or sister: an ability to tell a great joke, that he gives his time to Habitat for Humanity on the weekends, that your sister has the most amazing green thumb. Start seeing the good in them.
At the same time, rekindle or seek out other friendships. Our family members may have issues (some of them with us) that we simply can't fix. But there are other people who genuinely like you. Friendships are crucial areas of our lives but can dwindle during caregiving. Invite a coworker to the movies, or plan a three-day cruise with an old friend. If you see a neighbor who regularly walks, ask if she'd like a buddy once in a while. Take a chance. Smile and get out there!
Then examine all the areas of your life: Where are you out of whack? Are you playing enough, moving enough, eating greens and lean protein? Make a plan to be a "new you" this time next year. Find classes or people to commit to on a regular basis. Create a "vision" board: Cut out pictures from magazines of the next car you want, the body you want, that dream trip you've always wanted to take. Start a savings jar with two or three dollars a day to begin with, and watch your nest build. You'll be much more attractive to your family members, your friends and coworkers, and to the most important person -- yourself -- when you focus on the life you want.
In addition, if you haven't attended a bereavement group, think about doing so. You may feel stuck because you still need to work through some of your grief over your mom, and you haven't given it the voice or space it needs. Maybe that's why you miss your siblings so much. Even if they aren't responsive to you, others will listen and care.
Meanwhile, hold your siblings in a good place in your heart. Don't make yourself crazy trying to get them to "like" you. Like yourself, and wish them well, wish them healing. Reach out to them and shower them with genuine love based on who the three of you are today. And whatever you give to them, give to yourself as well. We can't control how others feel, so we owe it to ourselves to spend at least that amount of love and care on our own lives.
learning how to connect to siblings that have grown distant since the death of a parent and also learning some strategies to make new friends and get new activities in life so as not to long for them so much.
I am in a very similar situation. My sister has ovarian cancer and a one year old daughter. She is very young to have this type of cancer. Her husband is inept. It is almost like he is in denial that anything is going on. My father died of cancer when we were young- both in elementary school. I see her now suffering through the chemo and it scares the hell out of me We are close siblings and I cant imagine her passing on. We had to become a close family when my father died and have been very close ever since. My mom and I are busting it to make sure that she and the one year old is taken care. Her husband just sits and is watching the world spin. I am not 100% percent what to do about it all. There has already been heated words between him and myself and mom. We want what is best for her and what is best is for her husband to show some type of support. She talks to me some about his lack of care and support. I try and defend him but she knows. Having a sibling with cancer is difficult. It is difficult if you are close because of the fear of death. It is difficult because you feel guilty that you are not the one it has plagued. It is difficult because you fear you will be next to get cancer. It is difficult for me because the only thing I associate cancer with is the death of my father. The fear is almost too much handle some days. The only thing that really helps me keep going is helping to take care of her year old daughter. It too is difficult. I know how hard it is to loose a parent. I would hate for her to go through life and not know my loving sister. I would also hate for her father( sisters husband) to have the one to take care of her. I am not certain he could do it. I guess all we can do is stay the course and hope and pray for the best.
I join this club. It is sad...my siblings didn't even come to the Celebration of Life for our father in 2001. It'll be 14 years this May (2011) since we spoke and I have no idea what they're up to. They certainly can keep apprised of my updates through TheCaregiversVoice.com. Despite the number of times I've reached out over the years, I must accept that it is their choice. Besides, how much rejection should one have to endure? Still, it is a loss for our family. As advised, in the article, I have grown closer to my cousins and and "adopted" family of friends.
Thanks for sharing I am going through a similiar experience with my brother. my mom passed on 6/6/09 from COPD and I was wih my dad at his condo while the funeral was goinng on. Anyway I helped him go through my mom's stuff and my brother and sister for that matter are very upset yet no one will cop to it. My brother and I went from talking every week to maybe one every few months if that and its me that has to reach out. To me its just greed and it makes me sick to my stomache that people actually feel that way. The advice although helps some I am not sure if I agree why should we have to be the ones who reach out we are not the ones that have a problem? I am bitter and I am sick of reaching out and getting no repsonse. I am not a mind reader so if they can not be an adult and tell me what is wrong then its on them. So in any event you are certainly not alone. Keep the Faith. Peace & blessings all
You always give such encouraging, informative and much needed comments! Please continue with your work! Thanks
I read this post with much interest because something similar happened in our family. My Mother passed several years ago and I was her POA. Her wishes were to keep her comfortable w/o any heriotic measures. She had hospice and passed away at home with only myself there as it had been throughout her illnesses. I have one sibling; a brother whom I love dearly. He and Mama had issues they never resolved. He never came to visit her altho we all lived in the same area. I would call and tell him when she was having a good day and that he might want to drop by but he never did. The night she passed I called to tell him. He talked like he was surprised. He and his wife came over and he beat his fists on the wall and cried. After the funeral he would not speak with me. He divorced and remarried later and I understood from a son of his that he was happy and had moved many miles away. I got his email addy and wrote to him sending jokes, etc. to keep things on the light side. He finally began to send things back and wrote briefly. Now, his health is very bad with cancer. I had not seen my brother in well over 10 years when one night 3 years ago his son and he dropped by for about a hour. Nothing heavy was said and we had a nice visit. How I wish that we could be close again but I honestly don't believe it will happen. This may be as much as he can give, I don't know. I just thought the experiences that I've had may help someone else. Blessings, Gig
I loved all this advice. These are all good suggestions. For others reading this post who are not yet finished with caregiving for a parent, I'd suggest that you make time to connect with your siblings outside of your caregiving experience. My sister and I would get together and enjoy each other's company while my mom was sick and make a point not to talk about my mom. I wanted to make sure that her illness was not our only point of connection.