Is there life after caregiving?
By Carol O'Dell, Caring.com contributing editor
After several bouts of cancer, my husband recently passed away. Our daughter wants me to move in with her and care for her children while she works. I usually love helping her out, but this feels like she's using me.
I'm afraid I'll lose myself in my family's lives and forget who I am. My friends (who are mostly single or widowed) say that I should simply concentrate on having a good time -- lots of "girlfriend weekends." I'd like to say that sounds like fun, but I'm just not there yet. I also need some supplemental income as our finances took a big hit from years of medical expenses.
My husband made me promise I'd live a good and happy life, but I'm at a loss as to how to get started. How do you find a new path after years of caregiving?
It's good that your husband made you promise you'd have a good and happy life. That's your lifeline now, and a way to measure (or alter) anything that doesn't meet this criteria. The challenge is to know what's good for you -- and what makes *you * happy.
As much as we love our children, sometimes they don't see the whole of our lives. We're not only their mother and their dad's wife; we're women with needs, hopes, aspirations, and concerns. Your daughter no doubt thinks she's doing you a huge favor – you would have a place to stay, wouldn't have to worry about money, would have lots of family time, and would be helping her. To her, it seems ideal. And for some people it might be, though perhaps not for you.
How do you go about finding out what's best for you? Slowly -- knowing you'll make mistakes along the way. All you can do is try again and again until you find what fits.
It may be a good thing that you need to earn some money. That forces you to get out there again. Your plans may come down to what's available, but also look back over your life and remember what kind of work or activities you used to enjoy, and what you're good at. Sometimes our first jobs and careers hold keys to what we'll return to. One thing you've been all along is a nurturer, and that’s sorely needed in our world today.
Consider volunteering, especially with charities and other help-based organizations, in addition to earning income. You'll meet new people, and I know many volunteers who were later hired because they proved so valuable.
The main thing is to start the ball rolling. I know you're still grieving, but if you don't get your own momentum going, it will be too easy for others’ opinions to take over. Do one thing to start your new life: Sign up for a computer course, for example, or join Facebook and network or take a part-time job to pay the bills.
If you may need to move or get a roommate, imagine some possibilities. Then explore them; if you're considering a condo, for example, visit someone in a condo. Stay a few days and visualize not having to do yard work, having less storage space, living closer to town and amenities -- weigh the good and not-so-good. If possible, talk to a financial advisor. You may not have a lot of money, but you should protect what you do have and get advice on how to invest and save for your future.
Reach out to your daughter on a regular basis. As a stressed and busy mom, she's in the hot seat of life right now. Although it may seem like she doesn't need you for anything besides cooking, cleaning, and watching the kids, we know that's not true. She needs her mother. You're part of her in ways she can't quite comprehend. Help when you can, and look between the lines of her hectic life and really listen to her.
The next couple of years are going to be a mixed bag. Grief will continue to come in waves. You'll feel scared at times, not know if you're making the right decision. You’ll feel lonely and miss your husband terribly. You'll be tired and wish you could just crawl back to your old life. But you can't.
Picture yourself a year from now, confident, renewed, at peace with the "new you" -- the You woven from all you've been and all you are. You'll reconnect with friends, enjoy your grandkids, learn new things, maybe even go on a date -- who knows? Don't rule anything out. Be open to life, and keep your husband's wish for you to have a good and happy life in your heart.
Don't move in with your kids to be a baby sitter! I have two friends that have done that. They sold their homes and had no place to go after the daughter got mad because they wanted some ME time. Also the older kids expected grandma to clean up after them also. Unless you really have no life or friends and never expect to have your own life or friends then go ahead to move in with your kids to be a babysitter
What a comprehensive article; thank you. I would just add, join or form a support group of like-minded women; they will 'get' where you're coming from (many others won't). And follow your intuition; let it lead you to the activities or non-activities that are just right for you. By checking in with yourself every hour at least, you will know exactly what you need. Follow 'extreme self-care'!
i'm so sorry for your loss. it's okay to take time about everything right now. you need and have earned plenty of recouping time now. time to sleep, eat well and wisely, maybe live simply and build your own well-being up. a grief support group might help. but whatever you do, this is YOUR recovery time now. just tell your daughter that it is far too soon for you to make any big decisions or big moves right now -- which is also what all sensible advisors say about this. the conventional advice is to make NO big life-changing decisions for a year, (unless they involve pleasure and relaxation). certainly don't let go of any big assets (like a house) that you can't get back. your family decisions are yours alone to make. but you raised your family already, so be very cautious about that one. if you can do it, maybe take a great vacation of the kind that would restore your energy, spirits and heart for living. this is your time now.
In my alzheimers support group we have a couple whos mother died. They are very helpful because they went through all of the stages and can give you a heads up or an idea about how to handle different situations. I wouldnt jump into caregiving again right away. You have to deal with not having that purpose in life and your daughter has to handle her own family. I have never heard of any situation where the mother lives in the home and helps with the kids-- and it turns out ok. If you do that make sure there are specific times you work and you can close the door on your area and be alone. My sister lives with her daughter and the daughter says " we are going out." No scheduling it ahead of time, no asking, Mom is there she can handle it.. Not.
As a former caregiver, have you considered talking to other caregivers and offering them support? This may be something that you find really fulfilling. It sounds like you spent years caring for your husband and so I’m sure you have lots of stories to share both good and bad. Your experiences may really help someone in need. If you consider this idea, check out local caregiver’s support groups or even contacting a local adult day care center or home health care company. Either would likely be very gracious and allow you to talk to the caregivers they work with. If there is an Active Day in your area, we’d love to help you. Give us a call! (http://www.activeday.com)