I've been caring for my partner's 80-year-old parents since February, because his mother had a stroke and his dad has dementia. But I'm 38 weeks pregnant, and I'm at a loss. His mother won't accept help from anyone except us, so I'm doing the meals and shopping, sorting out the papers and the medications, and so on. My partner, who works full-time, handles their money.
I don't think his mother understands how hard it is now that the baby is almost here, because she calls about any small problem -- like if she can't turn on the TV. I've tried explaining to her that I can't do as much now, but she seems disappointed and I feel guilty, because I really do care about them. I've tried to get her to agree to some help, but she says she can do it all herself -- and then she calls on me.
As hard as it's going to be, you're going to have to let your partner's mother do without until she realizes that she can either do more things for herself or accept the help of other people. It will be hard at first, because I know you want to help her and because it's now a habit, almost easier to do than to think about. But stand your ground. You're building the foundation of your future relationship, so think long and hard about what you want it to be.
Unless you want to live like this from now on -- being called dozens of times a day and stopping whatever you're doing to meet her long list of needs -- you're going to have to take a deep breath and let her suffer a little until she gets the message.
The reason why this is so important now is that you're bringing a child into this world, and that child needs and deserves to be first in your life. Keeping a newborn (a child of any age, really) alive, thriving, and healthy takes an enormous amount of time and attention. It doesn't just happen. This child is your primary responsibility. Your partner's mother just got a demotion, if that's the way she chooses to look at it, and she might become jealous and petty and cause all kinds of drama. Let her. It doesn't mean you care for her any less, but your child comes first. It's as simple as that.
There are times, as a caregiver (and a mother), that you feel guilty and overwhelmed, as though there's just not enough of you to go around. You have to learn to do what's best for everyone and who needs you the most at the time. And you will. Motherhood comes with many "on-the-spot" lessons.
And think of this: Your baby will probably turn out to be a delightful surprise for everyone! He or she will instantly reprioritize your life. You'll clearly know what you need to do, that you need to care for your child's needs, get enough sleep to be alert, and do all you can to keep him or her safe.
Another perk is that a child brightens everyone's lives. All of you, including your partner's mother, will enjoy a new center of attention, so many of today's concerns and squabbles simply won't matter anymore. Congratulations, and don't let anything take away from this momentous and joyful event -- let your joy ripple into all you do!
sadly I know exactly how the family could let someone not biologically related take all the responsibility - I take care of my father-in-law 24/7. I offered to do this a year ago when he was still physically able to get around and in and out of bed on his own and do things for himself, but it took major hospital stays for his sons to understand that Pop couldn't live alone anymore. And, because I said I'd take care of him (way back when) we said let's try to do this. Since then the "let's" has turned into "I" do this. His son's just seem to want to be blind to Pop's true needs and take for granted what I do for them and their Dad. That's what brought me to this website today, to find advice & support on how to get the sons (especially my husband) wake up and see that I (and our children) am not a 'dumping ground'. Honestly, I don't think either son consciously realizes that they're doing this to me - and me, being such a sap and soft-hearted person makes it difficult to do the 'tough love' thing with the sons. (I've been in this family for 28 years now....again, sadly it took me going through this situation with FIL to realize that I've been an enabler and being dumped on nearly all those years) In the case of the young lady who wrote the original post, I learned some things from the answer posted for her. And I wish her many happy happy days with her baby, and hope that she was/is strong enough to put herself & her baby first and keep it that way :o) :o) :o)
Solunds like this person is being "Dumped" on, that is unless she feels like the world can do without her! What about the "partner" or the real family. Now seems like a good time to end some of this responsibility, that is if this person really wants. How could the family let some one not even biologically related take all the responsibility?