I'm not sure I'm ready to take care of two parents plus two kids.
By Carol O'Dell, Caring.com contributing editor
Mom has just been diagnosed with Alzheimer's, and I think Dad may be showing signs of it as well. He's insisting that he keep her at home, but I'm concerned for both of them. (He also has a heart condition.)
My sister, who lives in Germany, thinks they should move in with me -- I live nearby and their doctors wouldn't have to change -- but I don't know if I'm ready for all this. I have a 6-year old and a teenage son who is showing signs of depression and isn't doing well in school. I feel like I need to do all I can to help him get through this difficult time.
Who do I owe my allegiance to -- my parents or my children?
Caring for two parents is a huge undertaking under the best of circumstances. As much as we love our parents and want to help care for them, our biological instinct tells us that our primary responsibility is to our children (especially when they're not adults yet). You shouldn't be made to feel -- by your sister or anyone else -- that you have no choice and must care for your parents in your home.
Moms are the barometer of the family. We're constantly gauging where our loved ones are. It’s easy to go into "putting out the fire" mode, turning our attention to the brightest and loudest flames, but that's dangerous. It's the quiet ones who don't draw attention to themselves who can slide between the cracks. Your children need you to stay alert and not lose focus on them and their needs.
Your teenage son needs you to pay attention to the smallest of clues he's giving you. It's not just about getting medical help or counseling; he needs you to actively help him develop relationships and life skills that will both guide him through this rough patch and beyond. Both children are at crucial junctures in their lives, and they need you in unique ways.
It doesn't have to be an either-or situation: children versus parents, however.
Begin a "parent file." Start gathering ideas and connections. Go online and search for information, using the name of your city or area plus keywords such as eldercare, parent care, Alzheimer's care, senior community center, or Council on Aging. There are many great community resources out there -- and many ways to care for your parents that don't include them living with you full-time.
Investigate small group homes, adult daycare, live-in care, home health aides, as well as larger care facilities. Remember that since your mother has Alzheimer's, not all facilities are capable of meeting her needs -- and it's possible that you won't be able to keep your parents together. Compare options and costs; also check whether your parents qualify for [Medicaid] (http://www.caring.com/search?query=medicaid&x=0&y=0)?
If you haven't already, I hope you'll educate yourself about Alzheimer’s disease. Yes, it's a lot to have to deal with, but being proactive is better than being caught unaware by crisis after crisis.
Just because your sister is out of the country doesn't mean she's off the hook. As you begin to formulate your plan, think about ways she can participate -- perhaps helping with finances -- but also in other ways, such as visiting the States, so you can have a vacation. Encourage her to continue to call your parents and to be a strong shoulder for you to rely on. Caring for our parents isn't all for them; it's a way for us to stay connected, to think about our own golden years, and to give (there's a deep truth to the line "giving is better than receiving").
Don't allow this situation to grow so large and looming in your mind that you become overwhelmed. Yes, you have a lot of balls to juggle -- just make sure you're one of them. You can't become a robot. You can't be in panic mode all the time. You can't do it all "right" and never fall apart, cry, need affection, or crave adult company. Find time for yourself and be good to your soul, even if it feels like an act of defiance.
How do you fit it all in? It's not easy. Listen to your body. Give it sleep when it's dragging. Call a friend when you need to vent. Say you're sorry when you just can't do it all -- then let it go. No two days or two hours will ever be the same. Somehow you'll manage -- why? Because you have so many people to love and who love you.
Caregivers are under so much stress - emotionally and physically - it's almost impossible to take good care of themselves. I was the primary caregiver for my mother until I finally burned out and had to get some help. I was nervous about hiring an outside caregiver, but a friend recommended using an agency that offers ClearCare care management software and it has been a lifesaver! I can stay completely involved in my mother's care, but still have some time off. I log into ClearCare's website anytime to make sure my mother has been fed, given her medication, and that the caregiver is at her house as scheduled. I highly recommend any family caregiver to try this time-saving solution.
For our family the nursing home for mom was the best option. Dad is lonesome but there is no way we could have handled her at home and she has lots of care where she is at. I did not live with my mom and dad but I cared for her at home for a while and managed all that goes along with this Alz. Everyone has to do what's right for them but I think you have to think of your children and husband first.
I'm sorry to hear what you're having to deal with and know how hard it can be. I don't think anyone can ever be ready to take on such a challenge. Your sister hasn't walked in your shoes ( I assume) and shouldn't be telling you what to do since you're the one there with the responsibility while she's living a long ways from it all. You do need to think of your family and with your son's problems, having them there could make him worse. It's easy for distant siblings to give advice when they have no part in the care, but don't let them make you feel guilty if you don't want to take your folks in. You have to do what's best for you and your family and I bet your folks wouldn't want to burden you. I had my mom with us for 4 months after we realized something was very wrong and we couldn't leave her alone any more. I have a young adult with some health problems and a teen and it was very hard taking care of my mom and them too. They got the short end of the stick since my mom took so much attention, but it would depend on what stage your parents are in and how fast it's developing. My mom went downhill pretty fast. We put my mom in an adult foster home. If I had known about those, I would've put her there sooner so she would've had more company. She gets more personal care there than she would in a memory ward of a nursing home and it's a much more pleasant environment for her and us. I have no problem being there for a few hours. I've gotten to know the other 5 residents too, so I give them some attention too and that's very healing for me and helps them too. So see what's available in your area to help you decide what to do and tell your sister what you feel you can or can't do and tell her you need her support in whatever decision you make. Don't do like I did and get worn out before you decide to make a change. I wish you the best.
Please let me add my "two cents" and echo some of what you have already heard. It is so important to put your own family first. There are resources to help you with your parents. The Alzheimer's Association has a wealth of info, as does your local Council on Aging, Hospital Social Workers (who often will help with resources for those not in the hospital) and your city senior centers. I've lived through a son with depression, at 16 he needs more of your attention than you may know. Seek out help for your parents, and don't feel guilty if you decide not to have them move in with you. There are lots of options when it comes to caring for your parents, including Assisted Living. You will still be caring for them even if they are not under your roof. Good luck and God Bless.
"Experts" like to tell us publicly that we can "have it all." However, when we pay money for private advice, we usually get hammered with tough love admonitions about the need for defining our priorities... Here are my thoughts as a non-expert. You owe your allegiance to yourself. And from there, your priorities are your own to determine. I've cared for my mother in my home, with my husband's help, for over 5 years. Her dementia has been like a cancer - eating away at everyone else's mental health. My children both ended up in therapy, as did my husband and I. Our marriage has NOT survived... My mother is unaware of any sacrifices made for her, and she is as happy as a clam. SHE is the ONLY ONE who IS... My advice is to put your time, energy and focus onto the future. ALL POSSIBILITY lies in the future. Don't "abandon" your mother - just do not move her into your home. Alzheimer's is FOREVER. NO CHANCE OF RECOVERY. And, trust me when I tell you that it will victimize not only the victim, but all whose lives are bound to the victim's decline, as well. Trust me...
Hugs CKover13, DMJ
Yes , this was a well written & infomative article. I take care of my Dad & it's just him & i. If i had children on top of taking care of him , i'd have 2 be committed myself !! lol But Not Funny, it's" ALOT OF STRESS" !! And each day it just gets HARDER. Soon i will need to see about getting him in a different living situation, & that WONT be EASY.