I have two siblings, but I live closest to our mom and handle most of her care. I drive her to all her appointments; get her groceries, personal, and medical items; and coordinate her home health aides. Mom's small income doesn't cover it all, and so my siblings and I have agreed to cover the rest.
The problem is, they expect me to put payments on my credit card and then submit the statement to them for payment. We wind up arguing whether I should have gone to one pharmacy over another to save a few bucks, or whether she really needs home health aides three days a week. Worst of all, they don't pay me within 30 days, and I'm starting to incur hefty interest fees. I wonder if they'll ever reimburse me for some items, because they don't think they're necessities.
I don't like defending myself. I'm doing the best I can for our mom, and I don't want to scrimp on her care because I'm afraid I won't get paid back. I've offered various solutions for the financial side of this, but it's their attitude that I'm most concerned with. They're taking advantage of me, and it's our mom who will ultimately suffer.
Being the primary caregiver comes with many responsibilities -- and much of the blame. It's time to stand firm and to make it clear that you can't be pecked to pieces. Consider opening a care checking account in which all of you donate a certain amount each month. Checks can be written from that account, with any remaining money rolling over. That way, nobody is being held in limbo.
I suggest that you keep a log of all the things you do for your mother, and the time it takes. Show them the enormous number of hours and amount of work you commit to her. Include items such as home repairs and upkeep on her property. You and your siblings all need to see, clearly laid out, what goes into the care of your mom. Caregiving is an enormous commitment.
You might also research what it would cost if your family were to hire out these various services. Include the cost of round-the-clock care or a long-term care facility, in case you were no longer able to care for your mother. Compiling these costs can show everyone how valuable home care really is. Don't do it to be defensive, but do it to show your family (and yourself) the value of what you're doing, so they can treat you with respect and appreciation.
When it comes to questions about the expenses, a care checking account would eliminate this, but put some thought into who can be on the account. Three "cooks in the kitchen" can write a lot of checks and cause havoc. Simply state that since you do the majority of the care, they'll have to trust you, particularly on small matters (you could define a price limit of, say, $100). Then you won't be asking for permission or feeling that you'll get in trouble when you have to make a quick but necessary decision. If you're being grilled about an item you've bought or a decision you've made, then give that item or decision over to those who are questioning you. Tell them (not in an ugly way) that now they need to champion this area. Just because you're the primary caregiver doesn't mean you're the only caregiver. Let them know that in a factual, nonconfrontational way.
Which leads me to say: Let other family members get more involved. You need to walk a mile in their shoes as well -- it will give everyone more empathy if you all realize what it feels like to be on the various sides of caregiving. Try not to be oversensitive. Sometimes we focus on the one negative thing that's said in a three-hour conversation, and we completely lose the fact that most of it was good. Let some comments roll off your back. They may never understand what it's like to provide full-time care for someone, and that's OK. Really begin to feel your own worth -- not in an angry way, but knowing that you've given your parent, and your family, a wonderful gift by providing consistent care.
It feels much better when you don't feel cornered, and when you feel that what you're giving is respected. That respect has to start with how you feel about yourself. Try to incorporate a little humor and team spirit into your family when it comes to caregiving. It's great that your mom has several children, and I'm positive she doesn't want her care to cause you all to quarrel. Lighten the mood a little. Use some banter, get together to play cards, go bowling, rent a movie, or just hang out. Our lives get so busy, and caregiving can seem so overwhelming, that we sometimes forget the benefits of being in a family. Sure, sometimes we squabble, but being part of a big, caring, chaotic family is a good thing.
I feel horrible for you. Being a caregiver is a very hard job. There is never an easy day. One day is hard and another is harder. The checking account for your mothers money that everyone contributes to sounds like a good idea. I think a family meeting is in order to discuss things. You need to set things straight with your siblings. One of the comments suggested a vacation for you. That sounds like a super idea! See who raises their hand to help you out. Your siblings can put their suggestions in the suggestion box but just like any other suggestion box, if you don't like the suggestion, you don't have to enact it. My father in law still lives on his own just down the road from us but my husband is responsible for taking care of his home & yard and whatever else his siblings or father dream up. My Mom passed away last year leaving my Dad a very lonely man. He lives in the same state but a few hours away from my siblings and I. He relies on me for everything. Not my siblings, they never answer their phones when he calls them. Only one of them visits him. I used to call him every day but now I cut it back to every other day. He cries daily for my Mom. He keeps busy & is a healthy 76 yr old. He is not interested in dating. I can't keep going to his house all the time. I have a husband and he has a job that he can't go away, plus watching his Dad, it is hard on the marriage. A marriage takes work also and caregiving is hard on a person and a marriage. Not to mention when you are dating & trying to find your soul mate. Good Luck & Be Firm! Don't let them push you around!
Hello Anonymous and everyone else. For the sake of peace in the family...How can you pursue keeping peace in the family when no else is helping and siblings refuse to participate in what is needed. I am actually shocked at how little concern my siblings have for our parents. They are about to go to assisted living and skilled nursing and they are all used to our parents paying their bills. Mom and Dad have to be taken care of. They are not rich. I am with our parents every day. The two of them are busy with their own lives. That is a quote. I will spend what is necessary. I was not named the executor but am the only responsible party.Perhaps they are mad because I am handling the money and paying bills. I am the only one available. I can not see myself going to them to get authorization for depends or other like products. I am really angry with them.
I may be in the minority but I can relate to the siblings only to the following degree. My mom has dementia and was in a nursing home, now she lives with my brother and his wife because they lived closest. I am not demanding an accounting of every dime or arguing over which pharmacy would be cheapest. I have simply been left out completely. Unlike the writer of the above letter. My mom has money not a lot but enough to live on and I just have no idea how its being spent. I know that my brother has told me that he maxed out her credit card and spent all available cash on my her. I have never disputed that nor will I. I just believe that he has not used the best judgment when it comes to making his decisions and he had blocked me completely from helping. I have never been asked to chip in and I don't think I need to since my mother has enough money to live on. I just don't think it's right that I not be included. I would never have done it to him.
hello tell your siblings that you are making vacation plans for yourself and you want to know who will be attending your mother full time in your absence then make a detailed list of her needs and suggestions how to perform this in the most efficient way. i will be taking care of my best friends mother next week while she is gone on vacation and being a nurse i anticipate it to be a tough job. good luck
I think that's a good idea to have everyone contribute, so the parent can have a better quality of life
I'm trying to maqke changes in 2012, I know if I keep doing the same old things, and expecting different results, that's insanity. So I'm trying to stop the siblings from abusing me with the care of mom.
DON'T YOU JUST LOVE HOW YOUR SIBLINGS CAN GIVE YOU ADVICE AND THEY ALWAYS SEEM TO KNOW THE BEST WAY TO DO THINGS . AND THEY ARE SO QUICK TO CRITICIZE HOW YOU ARE DOING THINGS YOU SHOULD DO THIS OR THAT ----BUT ISN'T IT FUNNY WHEN EVER YOU TURN AROUND THEY ARE NO WHERE TO BE FOUND. DO YOURSELF A HUGE FAVOR GET YOUR MOM'S P.O.A. AND MAKE SURE YOU REGISTER IT . GREED CAN BE AN UGLY THING AND YOU DO NOT WANT TO END UP IN COURT WITH YOUR SIBLINGS OR WORSE . MY PRAYERS ARE WITH EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU WHO AS I HAVE CHOSEN TO CARE FOR YOUR LOVED ONE . NO ONE TRULY REALIZES THE SACRIFICES WE MAKE EACH AND EVERY DAY.
Anonymous from 4 days ago, you are never going to keep peace in the family on these matters. And if you think that the other siblings are keeping track of the time they spend, it is not going to happen. I get no money for caring for my mother and never have, I gave up a very lucrative company. And people unless they are participating should not be allowed to have input in anything unless asked. Because when that parent dies, their will be fighting even if you try to [keep the peace]
I too have taken care of my parents since 1997 and my mother after dad's passing in 2005. I have 7 siblings who all have their own strategy on what I should be doing and what I should be spending. I say, " NO, I am not going to account to you any of what I am doing with mother or her money. If when she passes they would like to come after me, Great!!' I have received no help from them, not a single," let me give you a break". I sent them all what it would cost to have my mother looked after by outside help, i received not one response. Because no one wants to know the truth of the matter. You have to do what you know is right, and say your prayers. God Bless you, you are not Alone.
Sounds like to me they want control with none of the responsibility. I am my father's caregiver and I also handle all the money. I use the debit card for just about every expenditure relating to my dad's care so that I have a receipt and it shows up on the bank statement. Until those siblings walk a mile in your shoes, I would say they have no grounds for complaint, even if you are spending a bit more on some aspect of care. My sister wanted me to switch Dad's meds to a mail order service to "save money." When I sat down and did the actual math, the savings weren't worth the trouble. Plus, the pharmacist has been handling Dad's meds for years and he has proven to be enormously helpful in answering questions and handling the insurance, etc. -- something that a mail-order service does not make readily available. Good luck in dealing with your situation; sounds like you need it.
I think for the sake of keeping peace in the family all caregivers should verify what they are spending money on when caring for a parent or relative. Each person may even want to keep track of how much time they spend with the person and leave notes about what is going on if anything unusual has come up. I like the idea of having a bank account that all children contribute to when the person does not have the money on their own. I do not feel that children should expect to be paid for caring for their parent, however some compensation for gas and mileage might be in order if it is more than once a week.