My dad's dying, and Mom is ignoring it.
By Carol O'Dell, Caring.com contributing editor
My dad has terminal brain cancer. The doctor said that if we're lucky, he has a year, but most likely less, and that in the end he won't know us. My parents haven't made any plans for hospice, a funeral, or a plot. Every time I bring it up Mom acts like I want Dad to die. Of course I don't, but I think we should sit down as a family and talk about these things.
Mom wants to act like life is normal and ignore the whole thing. She doesn't even want me to say the word "hospice" because she thinks that's giving up. How do I convince them that by considering these issues now, it'll make things easier when the time comes? I'd rather not spend the last weeks and months together scrambling and wondering what Dad would have wanted.
Each of us responds to bad news in our own way. You and your mom have different personalities. It's important to separate your own emotions from hers.
My mom and I couldn't have been more different in the way we approached a problem, for example. She had a nip-it-in-the-bud, type A personality. Not doing something immediately made her feel nervous and worried. I'm more laid-back and like to feel my way into it; starting right away makes me feel pressured and rushed.
Also, she's losing her spouse -- her life partner, friend, and confidant. You're losing your dad, who brought you into the world and guided you. Both roles are important, but they're different.
Denial and avoidance are protective emotions. They mean your mom's not ready to deal with all this yet -- it makes your dad's death too real for her. Respect that. Give her time to process what's going on.
Maybe she never will. But remember that many people die suddenly and all the end-of-life details eventually get sorted out. (My type B personality is talking here.) Hospices and funeral homes deal with these matters every day and can help your family efficiently make the necessary decisions later. It may be more chaotic than you'd like, but don't let your differences in approach rob you of this precious time together.
While you can't force your mom to accept your dad's passing, you can do your own "work" toward this. Sometimes we focus on what someone else should do -- or isn't doing -- as a way to deflect our own emotions. What do you need to do for you? What can you do -- now -- to make your dad's last days, weeks, or months on Earth meaningful and easier for you and him?
Give yourself some time to really feel what's going on. We often hide behind "busy" to keep us from admitting just how scared and alone we feel. Go for walks, talk to friends, meet with a spiritual advisor (even if you haven't attended services in years, they're still glad to have you stop by).
Perhaps you'd like to write your dad a letter about what he means to you, start organizing family pictures, or compile a video presentation about him. You might want to plant a tree, get a wind chime that reminds you of him, or visit his childhood home. Do things that will always remind you of this quiet and profound time with your dad.
Spend time just hanging out with your parents -- together and individually.
Grief doesn't come all at one time. It comes in waves. So be easy on yourself -- and your mom.
I highly recommend hospice -- but yes, for some people, that's a scary word. Your mom may be digging in her heels because she has preconceived notions that aren't true about [what is hospice] (http://www.caring.com/blogs/caring-currents/what-is-hospice). Share with her all the [benefits of hospice care] (http://www.caring.com/articles/hospice-palliative-care). Most important -- it's à la carte. She can choose what she wants and needs, and add or subtract elements as the situation changes.
I know you're eager to address these end-of-life details, but you may get better results if you don't start off with those big and scary words (hospice, advance directive, living will), if those make your mom clam up. Try something like this: "Let's make sure Daddy's comfortable and not in pain -- I'll be glad to help with this."
I wouldn't suggest trying to "make" your mom do anything right now. She needs to relax and trust you. Ironically, we stop being stubborn when others give us the space we need and stop trying to force us to see it their way. She may at any time change her mind -- about anything. Be there and be ready for her.
See Carol speak in Owensboro, Kentucky, April 8. See more details.
I lost my husband of 56 years almost 3 years ago and I'm still crying daily. I have tried to get involved in social settings where I can meet new people but most of the time I feel like the proverbial fifth wheel in a room full of couples. Old songs, old places, photo albums all bring on the tears. I've even moved to a senior apartment complex for more social activities with people my age but that only keeps me occupied for a short while, then I'm back to crying. I don't feel sorry for myself, I just miss the old guy (he died from Alzheimer's) and can't get over it. Now what?
Please be patient with her I am sure she is not ignoring it. I went through the very same thing with my mom when dad was in the end stages of Ephysema. Her only way to cope was to act as if nothing was wrong. She did this even with her own infirmities which ultimately led her to having to be placed in a nursing home. The older generation many grew up that way. Hide your feelings by pretending that somehow everything is the same.
I agree that concern for one's parent and how they are handling their spouse's chronic or terminal illness may reflect the adult child's difficulties in dealing with the situation for themself. I would also suggest that the well parent could be told about the Well Spouse Association, http://wellspouse.org a peer support group for husbands, wives or partners of spouses with chronic illness and or disability. There they will find they are not alone, in their willingness (or unwillingness) to deal with the difficult situation they find themselves in.
Though my grandparents had all their end of life care and expenses planned, when my grandfather started going down hill my grandmother seemed very distant and unconcerned, cold even. She still went golfing with her sister in law, still did the same things every day, and to us it seemed selfish and uncaring. But, what it really was, was fright. She simply couldn't deal with seeing her life partner like that, she couldn't stand to think about what was going to happen after he was gone. He'd done all the business and taken complete care of her their whole marriage, since she was 17, so the thought of being on her own terrified her. And seeing her once strong, funny, independent, active husband wasting away was something she couldn't handle, so, she did the things she always did, to try to pretend that everything was okay, that nothing would change. She avoided all those things because if she didn't, she wouldn't have been able to cope at all. On the outside she seemed unconcerned, but on the inside she was losing it. We just didn't see it for what it was. Your mother may be feeling much the same way. Perhaps she's not really ignoring it, but trying to avoid it so that she doesn't shatter into pieces. Do all the things you can do on your own, try talking to your father bit by bit about what he wants, what will need to be done and how. Your mother may never be able to deal with anything related to your father's death, but things will get done, decisions made, etc eventually. At the time, I was angry with my grandmother, my grandfather had treated her like a queen and she didn't seem to care, but really, that was the problem, she was lost and scared to death. It's only now, 12 years later that she's opened up about what was going on inside of her at the time. Try not to be angry with her complete denial, it's almost certainly fear that's causing it, and frankly, who can blame her? While losing a parent is incredibly difficult, losing the person you've loved, relied on and spent most of your life intertwined with is something completely different.
My mother reacted much the same way. Unfortunately, it was due to dementia. My father had covered for her so well, that we were not aware of her condition, until he became ill. Please pay close attention to her...in the early stages it is hard for an untrained family member to detect. Thank goodness for those wonderful people from Hospice who alerted us to Mom's condition.