I don't want to visit my mother anymore.
By Carol O'Dell, Caring.com contributing editor
My mom has been in a care home for almost 15 years. She doesn't know who I am or who anybody else is. She sits in her wheelchair, not looking at me, and won't lift her head. My heart is broken. When I see her, I see me -- will I be like this, too?
I'm working two jobs to keep my home, I'm recently divorced (my husband cheated on me with my former best friend), and I just celebrated my one-year mark of surviving breast cancer.
I'm ready to quit visiting Mom. I know it sounds horrible, but I'm not sure I care anymore. I'm in therapy, and I'm desperately trying to work through what life's handed me. Surely I'm not the only one out there who feels like this. I need someone to know about it -- someone who maybe won't judge me.
So don't visit your mother. Give yourself a pass.
You may be surprised to hear me say that – I usually say that our elders and others we care for need us to keep a watchful eye. I strongly believe that we need to be their advocates, but you're in a unique circumstance.
Caregiving can be like fighting on the front lines of a war -- the rules are different when life gets this brutal. I'm going to say something strong: Your mom's life, in many ways, is over. Yours doesn't have to be.
Before you quit visiting, is there someone who would be willing to check on your mom at least once a week for a while? Ask. Tell your pastor or rabbi how badly you need a break, ask a relative or one of your mom's old friends, or call up your local Alzheimer's Association chapter and inquire about volunteers. Try to get someone else to visit your mom weekly for at least a few months.
I also want you to do two other things: First, write your mother a letter explaining why you won't be visiting. Say everything -- how much you love her, how much this scares you, and how you wish it could be different. Include all the dark things you don't even want to say out loud.
Next, write yourself a letter. Tell yourself how brave you are and acknowledge all you've been through. Write all those ugly things that roll around in your head all day -- the self-deprecating loop, I call it. Remind yourself what a good, faithful daughter you've been, and what a survivor you are. As caregivers and family members, we rarely get thanked or told we're doing a good job.
Then, burn the letters. Make it a ceremony, V-day -- V for victory. You finally said it all.
Now, stop visiting. Are you panicking yet? Does it make you pace with worry or lose sleep? You may find you don't actually want to quit going -- you may have just needed to say it. This may be more of a cry for help. Or you may be completely burned out. You won't know until you get to that first day when you don't go to see your mom -- your body will tell you how you feel.
We know deep down what we need, and a crisis isn't the time for others to tell you how to feel. So tell all those people and all those voices in your head to back off. Does it need to be forever? Maybe not, but you have to be willing to risk it. You need to see that you do indeed have choices and power.
Part of your stress has to stem from the fact that you feel powerless in all this -- powerless to help your mom, and powerless to prevent yourself from aging and possibly winding up the same way. I know that she doesn't have a choice either, but it doesn't help to suffer along with her.
Start spoiling yourself. Set the table at night -- for you -- and sip a glass of wine. Start treating yourself as lovingly as others should have treated you. I'm not talking about spending loads of money, but buy yourself flowers, get a new scarf. Connect -- or reconnect -- with other healthy-minded people. It's time to surround yourself with goodness.
You might find that not visiting Mom won't instantly change your life. Maybe she's not holding you back or draining you as much as you think. We hold ourselves back, too. That's why taking steps to take care of yourself will help guide you to the rich and fulfilling life you dream of.
There may come a time when the pressure is off and you'll consider visiting her -- because you want to. If that day comes, do so. But don't jump right back into your old routine. Why? Because it will feel like you never stopped. It's easy to start a new life -- it's much scarier and more challenging to keep it up.
In time, I believe that you'll begin to see your mom and yourself in a different light. You can love her just as she is and be at peace, not because things are perfect but because you've dealt with all life has handed you. You'll know that what you want for yourself is what your mom would want for you, too -- for you to live a good life filled with joy and hope.
WOW, what a compassionate response...especially, the part about it being okay to not see her mom and determining whether this is a cry for help, a need to release by expressing, or truly a need to step away while in order to sort out one's life.
Even though my wife is not as far along as your Mother, already I know your feelings must be the same as most caregivers. You should never feel guilty for any feelings that surface as you go along this trail. There are times when I feel that no one knows or cares about my wife or about me as a caregiver. Now you know there are many praying for you. When we are tired these negative thoughts creep into our minds. My wife has one longtime friend who never seems to tire of visiting her. If it weren't for her my wife and I would be alone. I just keep telling myself that if the situation were reversed, she would do the same for me. Keep reading these comments people write.......they can see you and me both through these negative feelings we get at times. God Bless you, Jean-Paul
I've told my children that if I get dementia or Alzheimer's that I want them to put me in a nursing home and I don't want them to come to see me. I want them to remember the good times we've had. Just tell me goodbye and go home. I am in a line dance class that performs at nursing homes and seeing the wonderful people who work there is why I am not worried about maybe having to live out my life in a nursing home.
One thing i will never forget about my dad, with alzheimers before he passed away a year ago.I walked in to see him and he was crying.The only thing that really help was when i reached over and gave him a hug. He grabbed me and sobbed on my shoulder. I could tell he felt comfort in my hug. After a few minutes he was fine. He didn't remember my name, but putting it in his words,he said "I know you are one of mine." Sometimes we forget the miracle of a touch or a hug, Our parents still have feelings and they still need the touch of a caring ,loving person wheather it be a child or a stranger caring for them.I know i will never forget thanks to my wonderful loving Dad whom i cherish every memory of him....God bless everyone who is a care giver to their love ones....
Hugs imadoglover
Carol, thank you for such a nuanced, skillful response. I agree with your point about exploring what it feels like to make the decision not to visit. Sometimes we DO just need to give voice to the desire, and may not actually need to take the action.
I feel the need to take a moment to thank the providers of this site and the people who participate, I have been reading this blog for about 4 months, it truly saved my sanity, it has improved my caregiving relationship between me and my father,(he has AD); assisted me in taking the best out of such a diffcult situation; gave me a deeper insight into things I couldn't grasp; your blog several times made me laught until I cried, and cried until I felt better. Something I hadn't been able to do and needed to do. Reading and feeling the other caregiver's pain allowed me to safety tap and deal with my own. It has given me the push I needed to find a doctor and start making my health a priority, I am starting to feel so much better, and most of all to know I wasn't alone, and there were other people out there dealing with the same problems,(and some much worse): because it wasn't that I was so inadquate, (which is what i thought) but this is just the nature of the monster, this is normal for us. I cannot find the words to adquately thank you and everybody else, you saved me, my life is better because of your courage and bravery in coming out and striping your life bare so we can come together, may God bless everybody here!
Hugs redhatprincess, doforanimals
Find another son or daughter who visits in your mother's facility and visit together. That way you will have someone to talk to, have a nice conversation about old times in front of your mother and try to include her. This may be the start of something good.
taking care of your Mom for some is in the heart and not felt as an obligation, although some do take it as such. its the love between Mother and daughter, unfortunately not everyone has had that relationship with their Mom, My Mom was and is my best friend, i agree there needs to be a brake and you need to take care of yourself never completly wash your hands of the care. sometimes you are in a situation where you don't have any help, you want to be there with your Mom or Dad and continue to care for them not realizing what is happening to you at that time, your not there because of obligation but out of love. and yes you can listen to it all, but what you do need to know is it is OK to take a break and care for yourself, it is not a bad thing to step away for awhile. and that there is help from caring people.
Number one Rule of Caregiving, Take care of yourself. You can do no one any good by hurting yourself. I am the "shoe on the other foot" so to speak. My daughter is my Caregiver. I have cancer. I love her. I would not want her to give up her health for mine. Take that break. I thought the replies you got were wonderful. I feel your Mom must have shown you love for you to have given so much back. Remember that love and know that she would not want you to be in so much pain. She would want you to be taking care of yourself. I am reaching the end of my life but my daughter is only midway. It would hurt me for her to be going through what you are. I have discussed these issues with her already. Please know that your Mom would want whats best for you too.
to oreoo, I have also been thru a time where i was left to care for my Mom alone, I am sorry to hear you went thru it alone too. My brothers and sister did their share while I was living in another state, 13 hours distance so when I moved home after my Dad passed away to care for her everyone left me, they stepped away for to long, never offering any assistance .now my sister and I have a great relationship because she realized she was so wrong walking away from the stress and from my break downs, she now knows how much i went thru but unfortunately my brothers still do not go and see their Mother or ask about her. she is now in a nursing home i live in the same town, my sister lives 1 hour away so it is the two of us we keep each other's humor and share in everything. I also was very close to seperating from my husband, I'm surprised we are still together, you are right about the support, and noone will ever know exactly how you feel but it feels good to have someone to vent with. I wish you all the best, and God bless your Mom. Do you know of the Alzheimer's Assoc. the web is www.alz.org they are a great help i wish i knew about them when i was going thru all this alone. lizzien
I have cared for my father long distance for 5 years while my brother and sister continued their life, then in his home for 2 years and now in my home for 1 1/2 years, I sacrificed my marriage(in my opinion if he was not supportive I didn't need him anyway)now my health is suffering but I am taking steps to change that while I still can, I have sacrificed financialy, my retirement savings has come to a halt, my social life is nonexistant, I can't work, the sacrifices are too numerous to list, but when the time comes and if I have to put him in a nursing home, I will do it without any guilt or reservation, I will not beat myself up, you have to walk a very fine line balanced between your health and theirs, killing myself helps no one, I continue to count my blessings, I also realize I can be my own worse enemy, You need to be your own best friend, because most of the time nobody else has any concept of what you have been through, learn to treat and love yourself the same way you would treat your best friend, give your self the same advice you would give her, the better you treat yourself, the better you will feel and the easier it will be to make the right choices for you and your mother. Listen to all of the advice, keep what works and discard the rest. God bless and boat loads of warm squeezy hugs.
The reason I care for my mother is that it is what my conscience tells me to do. I am considering placing her in a faith based nursing home, b/c my health and marriage are both faltering. I wouldn't even be considering it if my conscience wasn't clear about what I have done for her so far. My point is that no one can make you do anything you don't want to do- it should only be between you and your conscience. We can give our opinions until the cows come home- but for the record, I agree with you. You need a break- so give yourself one.
Please - laying 'daughterly obligations' at the feet of a woman who is overwhelmed and grieving at so many levels is really not fair. "Doing everything you can" is relative - she has done so by any measure already, moreso given her own health issues. She has hit her limit, at least for now, and needs time to heal herself. No where does the daughter or the author of the article suggest total abandonment, just time to heal herself. What value is there in killing herself today - possibly in literal terms - to ward off some 'future regret'. I know too many, women especially, who try to live up to cultural and religions laying on of 'responsibility' and 'guilt' because it was the 'daughter's obligation'. Those women end up tired, bitter and shells of themselves. Why? Because they are not given the tools and family support to protect and preserve a part of themselves for 'after it's over.' By the time it's over (which thanks to modern medicine can run into decades), they've had heart attacks, are 50+ pounds overweight because they eat for stress, or drink, and have lost personal and social relationships that renew and refresh the spirit. Sorry, but when love and care are given out of obligation rather than willfully and selflessly, it may (big underscore 'may') provide the patient with an acceptable outcome of care, but taints the sacredness of the caregiving process and devastates the caregiver.
Please don't give up. Do all you can now so you won't regret anything later. Once this is over you will emerge stronger, more confident and knowing that you did your best and fulfilled your daughter obligations to the very end.
Doforanimals, Thank you for sharing, always nice to know I'm not walking this path alone. I struggled for 10 years trying to be the perfect daughter (mother and wife), run a business and I always felt guilty for not doing enough in any area. It took cancer and a sexual assault to bring me to the realization that there is only so much emotional energy to disburse. I'm glad to hear that you also reached that conclusion. I'm happier, my mother is happier. It's like the oxygen mask on the airliner, we've got to take care of ourselves in order to help others. Take care and may you find peace in every day. :)
Patty58, that sounds like the identical situation I was in and somewhat resolved it the same way. You can push yourself so much and then you won't be there for your parent at all! Especially when along with the excessive demands of the parent, you have other serious matters in your life to deal with at the same time. And we've all heard the stories of the tireless martyrs that heap more guilt on us, which is the last thing we need. (Those disapproving looks if we haven't visited "enough" yet they aren't aware of all the behind-the-scenes work we're doing on our parent's behalf) Compromise. Cut the visits way back, but not entirely. Those of us who have had strained relationships with our parent have an even more difficult time with this situation. So in order to maintain our own health and sanity (for the sake of ourselves and our own family) we must compromise. Every family situation, and relationship to the parent is different. You must do what works best for YOUR situation, and not what someone else thinks you should do. YOU know best. NOT them.
Keeble, such a good response. It helped me, too. For each caregiver, we do the best we can at the time. When we can do better, we do. To lizzien, I would suggest that you re-read the original post. This dear one is at the breaking point. She is holding on by the thinnest thread and, when it breaks, who will take care of her and her mother? She needs to be in caregiver ICU, receiving support and encouragement from every source available. God help us all.
Hugs MikkiJC
Prayers snoopy728
To Keeble, What a sweet & compassionate (20/20 hindsight) answer. Truly.
My mother survived for about 5 years after her AD diagnosis, 2-1/2 years of which were in a nursing home. She died almost 19 years ago, and to this day, I am glad that I made myself drive 120 miles every weekend to see her. Sure, she didn't know who I was, but as one of the others commented above, she knew that I "belonged to her." She thought I was her baby sister Juanita, and that was good enough for both of us. During my visit, she knew "someone" was there and it gave her pleasure. Sure, 60 seconds after I left, she didn't even know I'd been there. And sometimes, I only had time to stay 30 mins. But I knew I'd been there, and for that brief moment in time, she knew "someone" had been there. When I was a kid and I did something she considered wrong, my mother would always ask me "how would you like it if someone did that to you?" She must have asked me that a thousand times or more. So, I spent the last years of my mother's life doing what I felt she would have done, had the situations been reversed. I figured that way, when all was said and done, I could live with myself, no regrets. With all that being said, YOU are the one who has to survive. Take some time off from visiting her, and don't feel guilty about it. You don't have to make the visits an all-day ordeal--make them shorter and see if that helps. Bottomline, only you have to live with your decisions, and anyone who doesn't like it, feel free to tell 'em to walk a mile in your shoes. Your mom's been sick for a very, very long time. Give yourself a break, cut yourself some slack--ponder the wisdom from all these people who've taken the time to counsel you. You are no good to your mother or yourself if you're dead or completely crazy. At the end of the day, all you need to be able to say to yourself is that you've done the best you could, and that's good enough. For whatever it's worth, that's my 20/20 hindsight from nearly 20 years after my mother's death. May God bless you and your mother, and give both of you strength and comfort. And bless everyone who's taken time to support you. There are no finer, more compassionate people anywhere than we who live (or have lived) the Alzheimer's nightmare.
I believe that often times a caregiver gets to a point where there is just nothing else to give, hence the "I don't want to visit my mother" comment. For a couple of months, my mother (in assisted living) was calling me daily, crying and asking for me to take her to the ER. She was taken there many times by either me or my husband. The ER said she cannot go there again for the same thing, that they have done all the tests ( 8 ER visits,3 hospital stays in 5 months) and are unable to find a physical cause for her discomfort. She called EVERY DAY about this, occasionally saying "just leave me here to die then", after her being at the ER only two days earlier. This is not the person my mother used to be. Yes, I got to a point where I just couldn't take it anymore so my husband stepped in when he could. I was on the verge of a breakdown. Finally she was put on an anti-anxiety medication (which she refused but was told she HAS to take) and has calmed down considerably. If I went to visit daily, even under these better circumstances I would again be close to a breakdown, so what I do is visit twice a week, do her laundry, pick up any personal items she needs and occasionally bring a meal for us to share. I send her cards, bring her snacks and take care of all the financial and administrative tasks for her. I do not feel guilty anymore, I am doing the best I can. If I did more, I'd have a breakdown then I wouldn't be there for her at all. Most importantly, I tell her I love her. To me, I think many people, including the person whose question was the start of the thread often need to just step back a little.....without feeling guilty!
Hugs redhatprincess
NancyM, Guilt seems to go with being a caregiver. There are lots of good articles on dealing with it. Here's just one: http://www.rd.com/living-healthy/healthy-ways-to-deal-with-guilt/article16121.html. In the winter of 2002, my mother-in-law was living with us (she had Alzheimer's and we were just becoming aware of it). Her behaviors led to my husband (the one who is now homebound) being hospitalized a couple of times and, finally, having a total breakdown and ending up in the psych ward. That turned out to be a good thing. He got diagnosed, we were forced to deal with Mom and they both were better off in the long run. During this time, my own Mother, who lived 3 hrs. away, was hospitalized. I was running myself ragged, going to see my Mother every weekend, getting my MIL settled in an assisted living facility, and taking care of my husband. My psychologist advised me to stop going to see Mom every week. I had three brothers who lived where she was and were taking care of her. But, because of guilt, I felt I had to be there too. I had to make a conscious decision to release Mom to the care of someone else. It was hard, but everything worked out for the best. Mother passed in Sept. 2003, my MIL in Oct. 2007. Both had good care to the end. I guess I would say to you, allow yourself to feel what you're feeling and, then, let the guilt go! It's only hurting you. God bless you.
are you kidding me?! This is your Mom she is not dead yet! Please, she needs you now more than ever. She needs you to hold her hand, touch goes to the heart. She took care of you now its your turn give her some respect! My grandmother died from AD my Mother also has it and is in a nursing home, she doesnot know my name but knows I belong to her, you can see it in her eyes, there are good days and bad days. but let me tell you something, My grandmother 96 in the nursing home one day out of the blue said "don't ever leave me" and I believe she knew it was me she was directing that to. God only knows but thats what I held on to. your visits do not have to be long 10 min goes a long way. we all have our own lives and need to take care of ourselves, but don't walk away from her. YOU are her advocate not your priest. take a rest but don't leave her and shame on you caring.com I know i've been thru alot too, it will always be stressful just know when to take a day off or two, and you don't have to stay with her for hours at a time again short visits and not every day, but don't leave her for completely, I know it is no live for her but her live is over when God decides. concentrate on what she still has. Be an advocate for the AlZ Assoc. maybe as i have done it will help you. God Bless
This helps me so much even though my mom still knows who I am. I struggle with feeling guilty if I don't visit her more than a couple times a week. She doesn't remember if I've been there or not, so twice a week is plenty. I just have to remind my self that it is enough! I am waiting for a spot in an assisted living facility for her and that is the next guilt trip I'll travel. But I try to remind myself that she needs to be moved there. It's such a tough decision to make! I agree completely with Carol's comments. We all have to take care of ourselves.
HI, I can understand your broken heart over your mom, with the way her condition has escalated over time. It is an insidious disease & so very sad. I had to enter my mother into a nursing home in Dec. 07 with dementia also & it has escalated. She's gone into a series of seizures also. She's very confused about everything in life. It tears my heart out. She speaks of having had lunch with her parents, living in another state, etc, etc. Although she still remembers me at this point, I 'think' I'm prepared for the day when she doesnt. I know it will hit hard. I recall a story somewhere in the back of my mind of a husband that faithfully went to visit his wife that could no longer communicate in any way & she didnt remember him. He was asked why he did that. He replied with that although her mind is gone, he himself still remembers & he loves her, so on that alone, that is why he continued to visit. I thought that was such deep love & that was his motivation for continuing. Although we are all different & handle situations differently, I think when the day comes for me, regardless of how my mom has progressed, I am still going to visit as regularly as I can. My lifes memories are vivid & I myself, would feel as if I was abandoning her. I will be there until her last breath, but I do not say this to make you feel bad at all. We all have to decide what we need to do ourselves. I wish I could lift your pain. God bless.
I also agree 100%. You've done all you can and it's time to take care of YOU. It must be especially difficult since she no longer knows you or remembers what you do for her. You've done a lot for you mother and you don't have anything to feel guilty about. Stressful events are like a rain barrel that has overflowed, a little may evaporate over a short period of time but it doesn't take much for it to overflow again. Take some time to let the level of your "rain barrel" to go down a bit and don't feel guilty for it! :)
for whatever it's worth, I agree 100% with "redhatprincess" Hugs and warm fuzzy feeliings for you.
My heart goes out to you. I totally agree with everything Carol wrote. You are going through such trials and you need to be kinder to yourself. If I may share one thing I experienced when caring for my mother-in-law, who was in a facility for the last five and a half years of her life and had Alzheimer's, maybe it will help you. When she first went to the facility, she knew who I was and was aware of what was being done for her. By the last couple of years, she didn't know me from any other stranger who came to her room. For a long while, I did her personal laundry because I wanted to. Now that doesn't sound like much, until you add it to caring for my homebound husband, working a full time job and trying to have a life. My psychologist helped me to see that, where it had once been a gift to her, now that she had no earthly idea who did her laundry, it was not a gift but instead a burden - a burden that I did not need. So, with some reluctance, I gave it up and found that the earth kept right on spinning on its axis and the sun came up every day. It was a good lesson in letting go of things that don't add to the quality of life - for me or the ones I'm caring for. Bless you for what you have done. Most won't understand your decision but I do and God does. May you have peace.
MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU.....
I FEEL YOUR PAIN, I HAVE BEEN WHERE YOU ARE, AND NO ONE KNOWS YOUR PAIN UNTIL THEY HAVE BBEN THERE,A PART OF ME DIED WHEN MY DAD PASSED AWAY A YEAR AGO THIS MONTH WITH ALZHEIMERS. IT IS A HORRIBLE DISEASE.MY DAD BECAME SO FRAGILE HE WAS LIKE A LITTLE CHILD. HE WAS IN A NURSING HOME AN HOUR AWAY, BUT I VISITED HIM EVERY WEEK. I HAD TO PUSH MY FEELINGS ASIDE AND CARE FOR HIM.I WOULD NEVER CHANGE A THING, FOR WHEN THEY ARE GONE YOU LONE TO SPEND JUST ONE MORE DAY WITH THEM. BUT I HAVE NO REGRETS ,WELL MAYBE ONE, I WISH I STILL HAD HIM BUT IN HIS RIGHT MIND. FOLLOW YOUR HEART ,,,,
My heart goes out to you, I understand much of what you have been through as I have also suffered multiple traumas. My guess is you feel that you have been knocked down, you start to get up and someone or something knocks you down again, throwing a extra kick in here or there. No one around me understands even 10% of what I am experiencing, though they think they do. I'm guessing your world is similar. Following is my story: My mother, whom I love dearly has been an increasingly emotional challenge for me over the past 10 years since my Dad died in 1999. Six months ago, after numerous hospital stays I finally got my siblings to agree (they don't live locally) that she cannot live home alone anymore. As you can guess, everything was falling on my shoulders...she wasn't eating, kept falling, etc. Thankfully she has now been in an assisted living apartment since August and has been diagnosed with dementia. Visits and phone calls are typically quite draining, however I try to focus on the fact that I've done all I can for her and am grateful she is now in a safe place and her daily needs are being met. She does frustrate me quite a bit as she is extremely repetitive. It's the same few sentences over and over and it's always a complaint that cannot be remedied. It's always a struggle when I visit however I make it a point to tell her I love her very much when I leave, and also arrive with a goody in hand. Yesterday it was a devil dog for each of us, she really enjoyed it. :) I also take care of her laundry, as I know it helps make her feel loved. With this, I hope that it offsets the days I get frustrated with her. As you know, it certainly isn't a walk in the park. Like you, I am also a breast cancer survivor! Currently two years out here. Most people do not understand what having cancer does to a person's sense of well being, even after they are cancer free. We all know we are going to die one day, but when diagnosed with cancer I felt like someone was showing me the door. About four months after my cancer treatment was done, I was hospitalized overnight due to chest pain. Unfortunately I was also drugged and sexually assaulted on the overnight. The cancer and assault resulted in post traumatic stress disorder. In coping with this, I needed to feel safe and told my husband I knew about a couple of times he cheated on me when our son was young. I thought I'd feel safe and he would reassure me that he loves me and wants to stay in our 30 year marriage. Istead he said "we're over" as calmly as saying he was going to the hardware store. I also found out there was another time he cheated, with my (now ex) sister in law when we were staying at my brother's house for the weekend. Shortly after finding this out, I had to go to my nephew's wedding, the son of my brother and ex sil my husband had sex with. We are still working on our 30 yr marriage (living separately) but it gets harder to function every day, especially since we are also in business together. As you probably also experienced, I just didn't see all this coming. I completely understand your not being able to take anymore as I have been there also since the cancer diagnosis. During my cancer treatment, my mother who was still living at home would continually call me, crying because she's afraid she had breast cancer. It was difficult to hear it manifest that way, as I desperately needed support however I know it's not her, it is the dementia which has been presenting as fear and panic. It didn't make it any easier for me internally but it helped me from feeling angry towards her. About 4 months ago I started experiencing a pins & needles feeling throughout the right side of my body. I've been checked for various things, but it is being attributed to stress which I agree with as when I take a xanax, it goes away. Like you, I am also seeing a therapist to cope with all this. She said the tingling (and a few other physical symptoms) is my brain screaming that things need to change. I have been told by numerous physicians that it is time to take care of myself because if I don't, I won't be here in a year and none of the other things will matter. My life is still extremely stressful, but I take time for myself. I used to phone my mother daily and visit 3 times per week, also taking her to doctor appts. I now call every other day and visit twice a week. I'm working on finding someone to take her to some appointments so it isn't all on my shoulders any longer. According to my therapist, I have spent my entire life putting others before myself, now at 51 yrs old, I need to start taking care of myself. I'm not superwoman, and I no longer try to be. I don't know where my marriage is going, except to say I haven't seen much improvement over 10 months so I guess that speaks for itself. Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry to hear of all you have been through and also relieved to know that I'm not the only one out there dealing with multiple traumas, one layered over another. My therapist gave me a test to take regarding stress levels, 300 or over is a major concern, I scored 579! You'd probably be right up there also. We'll make it.....WE WILL SURVIVE, WE WILL THRIVE!!!! *hugs* When my days become too much to handle, I'll think of you and know I am not walking alone in this struggle. Please know that you are not walking alone either. Take care.
Prayers Oreoo
Regret is debillitating because the only master it serves is guilt. Admonitions to "do all that you can" ignore the fact that life events such as aging, death, illness, divorce can rub emotions raw and add layer on layer of fatigue and dispair on the body and soul. I'm sure some of these comments are meant to encourage and to perservere, but for those who are hanging on just barely, they can come back to haunt in the quiet of their minds. And that can leave even the most dedicated caregiver feeling guilty that they could have, should have, done more even when any rational outsider would say they were selfless and loving to the end.
Oh wow...no one is judging you poorly, I am sure of that. I don't want to visit my mother anymore and SHE LIVES WITH ME...so I understand your pain and frustration. My mother has no idea who I am, generates about 5-7 loads of laundry a day, and is an unsanitary MESS as far as bathroom habits go. I envy you that she is even in a home. It could be a lot worse (as far as her care goes). All that being said, you have been through some horrific experiences (they say that divorce is second in life altering pain to the loss of a family member and yours was particularly painful involving your "best" friend) Thankfully you have survived cancer!!! I must say that I do agree with Princess7 though...in that you don't want any regrets later. Maybe visit less often. Have you thought about animal therapy? They say that helps bring them out of their shell....maybe petting a cute and cuddly puppy placed on her lap together would be beneficial and improve your visits. After I went through a horrid divorce, I saw a therapist for several months. She had just lost her mother and told me that regret is the single most debillitating emotion. That stuck with me, so I thought I would pass it on. Big hugs to you!!!!!! Karly
Hugs sop832
Carol O'Dell's response was one of the best in years. KUDOS!
I am a 86 year old man I hope my advice might help a little, perhaps you can just look into her once in a while suppose she knows your there but unable to respond
I think this writer has done more than enough not to feel regrets - and she had plenty of her own ordeals to deal with, and needs to, or she will not have the physical, mental or emotional strength to deal with her own issues. All of the "trials make you stronger" and "you'll treasure these moments" is a lot of hooey if you don't make it yourself. Geriatric specialists at most good facilities know where you are right now; they've seen it so many times. You're not taking a break because you don't care; you are because you do. If your mom could, she would tell you to take care of yourself. She was not there to share your grief about your job loss, your marriage and most importantly, your own health battles. If she was close to you, she would have been your shoulder. If she was like most mothers, she would blame herself for the stress that got you sick and lead to your marriage issues. Just as we say to our loved ones "it's okay to let go", your mother would tell you "it's okay to let go. Don't forget me, but you have your life left to live." Take the advice of the author of this article, and give yourself a pass.
The fact that your mother wouldn't know you from Hilary Clinton makes a major difference here. The ONLY thing you can do, hence your only responsibility, is to make sure she is properly cared for. Being a martyr without any benefit to her is counterproductive. When I rushed back across the country to my mother's death bed (the doc had cleared me to get back to my job the day before), it was my responsibility to carry out her wishes and have her removed from life support, as my father has alzheimers. I tried for about 10 minutes to see if there was any recognition of my presence on her part. There was not. I stayed with her by myself while the priest gave her the last rights. I could not sit in the room while the respirator was disconnected. Being of no use to her, I did not want to have awful memories to fight off in the future. I came back in after the disconnect and she was still fighting. At that point I returned home to be with my father and wait for the call which came 4 hours later. It's been over two years and I've been taking care of dad ever since. I'm not haunted because I didn't stay by her side when she passed. She didn't know I was there. Your mom doesn't either. Do what you can to save your own life, God knows you have enough challenges there.
I work in long-term care. Many times we see this situation and to compensate for this with families, our DON created a new program we devote 60 minutes to on Thursdays. After we leave the floor for regular shift, we take one hour to call each residents family to give a report. It allows many family members to take a break and is a small "out" for those who need it, like you are describing. Of my 18 patients, 12 ask me who I am every morning and I see them 6 days a week. I can not imagine the heartbreak of having my parent ask that. This program allows those who suffer this heartbreak to remain connected but at a distance. We started this program due to a terrible traffic accident one of our family members suffered while trying to drive thru tears.If your facility does not have a program in place, ask the desk nurse to give you a call once a week.
Hugs Judithmft
Wow! Terrible situation; very good advice. You have already done so much more than a lot of people could. While my hubby was dying of cancer and my son was sent to Iraq, I thought I could not take it anymore. And, I hated it when people told me "my trials would make me a stronger, better person". But it's true; there is life after trauma and I am a stronger better person. (My son came back unharmed and he didn't kill anyone so he is relatively intact.) Please listen to the advisor's advice and keep your chin up; this too shall pass.
No one can tell you how to feel- only you can decide if you've done enough. In my opinion, you have done what you could, let your conscience be your guide.
As a former Nursing Facility director of nursing I would also suggest that this lady contact the nursing director. Inside the facility that I managed we had a system where someone from the supervisory staff would pay closer attention to the members whose family were "taking a break". We then would make weekly phone connections with the family keeping them up dated on any changes. It was not a formal service but something the nurses volenteered for. I hope that it helps, and God bless you we (nurses) understand.
Please do everything you can for your Mom so that you won't have any regrets later.
I agree with "so tired" beautiful!!! My heart goes out to you. Take care of yourself. You have my blessings, we feel your pain and we love you. Big squeezy HUG!!!
I think this is a beautiful, detailed answer. I hope it brings you some comfort and ideas of how to take care of yourself and your mother. No one deserves what you are going through and anyone of the problems would be overwhelming. I am praying for you both. so tired
Prayers Oreoo