I don’t want my fiancé to stay with my parents over the holidays.
By Carol O'Dell, Caring.com contributing editor
My fiancé is coming home for the holidays with me this year – and I’m seriously thinking about staying in a hotel instead of at my parents’ house. I don't want him to meet them for the first time with us staying there. Their house smells musty, and it's not as clean as it used to be. All we do is sit around and watch television for hours on end. My dad is wheelchair-bound due to an accident that happened years ago and left him paralyzed from the waist down with a colostomy bag. A care aide visits five days a week for eight hours a day, but it still feels so dark and depressing there.
How do I break the news to my parents that we'll be staying at a hotel and that we're also going to do a bit of sightseeing while we're in town? I know I need to visit with my parents and help them out some, but can't this visit be an exception?
It sounds like you’re a bit embarrassed and uncomfortable about your parents’ situation. That’s perfectly normal when introducing someone new, and it's a lot for your fiancé to take in at one time if you're nervous. So yes, it’s okay that this visit is the exception – so long as you don’t turn your back on your parents for good. Your fiancé needs to get to know all of you. And if he’s the real deal, then he’ll find a way to accept your family.
Approach your mom and dad in a casual way ahead of time. Let them know that you and your fiancé plan to bunk at a hotel for this visit. (You have told them you’re engaged, haven’t you?) Explain this will be less stressful than if they felt they had to tidy up or entertain. Explain, too, that this is a special trip for you, bringing your guy home for the first time, and that you’ll be coming and going more than usual because you want to also show him your town. Invite your folks to join you for some of these outings. Assure them you’ll still have lots of time together.
And emphasize that you’ll visit again soon with a focus just on them and on helping with their care needs -- and keep your word.
Also talk candidly with your fiancé about your parents’ situation before you go. He deserves to know what he’s getting himself into. Don't overworry about his reaction; remember, he has family, too, and caregiving days eventually come to both sides of a family. But do hold off on the complaints for now. Sure, you have lots of issues with your parents (the non-stop TV, the musty smells) but going on about them is unnecessary and could sound like you're being ugly. Better to vent those to a girlfriend or someone who’s walked this caregiving road with you for awhile
During your visit, give everyone chances to get to know one another in pleasant circumstances. Visit for a couple of hours at a time, maybe for something that has a natural time limit, like a brunch or dinner. Do things together: Ride around and look at Christmas lights, rent a holiday movie, piece together a puzzle, or make popcorn balls. Your fiancé may bring out a freshness and happiness in your parents.
Try to squeeze in a little alone time with each parent to be sure they don’t feel like you’re avoiding them. Take a walk to the mailbox with your mom or sit and chat with your dad.
Will it all go perfectly? I’d be surprised if it did! But it will be good enough, if you go in with a smile and a “welcome to my wacky family” mindset. Be real and show that you really love each other. Talking openly about your loved ones is a great way to start this new relationship on solid ground. What you really hope for is that, years from now, you have a spouse who loves you and your parents, and gives you strength and support in all you do. That starts today.
Ms. O'Dell has a wonderful mindset on this situation. I just wanted to interject some ideas from the "other side of the fence". I am a Mom, I am also in a wheelchair. I have a son who has a fiancee that is currently 3 months pregnant. My husband & I both have always had two sets of parents in my having his parents as a second set & he having mine as a second set of parents. That may seem strange as everyone seems to think that in-laws are supposed to be "evil". I have never understood the mother-in-law jokes etc. Back to why I am writing you something, my son's fiancee was told that she was going to be killed along with her bastard child by her own mother. This caused her, my son's fiancee, to obtain a protection from abuse order from the courts against her mother. Now, due to the fact that she is not the owner of the home her mother is living in this left us with no other option but to allow her to come live with us. This meant she had to cope with my disabilities, my caregiver who comes 8 hours a day & Parents who truly care about her well-being. Unfortunately, we are currently living in a very small environment. This was fine for 3 of us but is not going to work out well with 4 and one on the way. My house is always in a state of clutter but not dirty. I have problems with incontinence that I didn't want her to know about but it is kind of hard to hide everything dealing with my disabilities from someone living in my home. She has adapted well and is happy here, but I am sure will be much happier when we find a larger home. All things considered, If this gentleman loves you he will be fine with your folks. You are a product of both of them and seeing where you come from is as important as you seeing where he came from. Trust me on this, it might take you time whether it be out of fear, shame or just embarrassment but it will all be fine. Follow Ms. O'Dell's advice as it seems sound and like a fairly simple way to help everyone involved. You are in my prayers.
Yes, you should stay in a hotel. Our unadulterated initial judgment is often the direction we need to go. However, and it is not clear from the little that has been described, if your parents are responsive to making you and your fiancé feel welcome. They may be willing to clean up or at least agree to have you clean up a little; so the mess and smell is not so severe. An example...Up until dementia struck, my father was fastidious about his bathing and grooming and then he stopped bathing. However, when I told him I'd like him to clean up because we were going to see an attorney who would help us make sense of his affairs; so he wouldn't have to worry so much about the details. (It had been five months since he had showered.) Surprisingly, he said, "For you, I will." He did not realize how dirty he looked or how much he smelled. (I approached this kindly.) Stay in a hotel. Enjoy some time with your fiancé and sightseeing (in the place where you were raised?). See how it goes with your parents and how your fiancé reacts. Then maybe your and your parents will have an opportunity to discuss options for your next visit. Keep us posted how it goes. We'll all benefit!
i agree, great advice. besides, everyone has these embarassing family members. they don't reflect badly on you, if you feel okay about you. congratulations on the fiance and it's never too late to retrain the parents in what they expect of you.
Great advice. Now that the writer is an adult in a romantic relationship, it's the perfect time to establish new bonds and boundaries as a couple. It's OK to stay at the motel, do the town, enjoy adult activities without being all tied up in everyone else's business. Congrats to the couple who recognizes the need for their own lives.